Undertow (Dragonfly)

by Moore, Leigh Talbert

  Yes, we were friends. Only friends. And Meg was waiting when I crawled into bed. It was our last night on the island together, and I wanted to get started on my resolution to focus my attention on her. I kissed her shoulder and slipped my hand around her waist. My wife. She wasn’t wearing anything, and my hand moved from her bare midriff higher to her soft breast. She stirred and rolled into my arms looking for my mouth. I kissed her again, sliding my hand between her legs, finding her most sensitive spot and gently massaging, coaxing. I kissed her slowly until her soft moans told me it was time for me to replace my hands with my body, rocking with her, into her.

  This was right. This was me remembering what I was doing, why Meg was here. This trip was my first step in trying to make things better between us.

  March 10, 19--

  She lied to me.

  Over and over. She looked me in the eye, kissed me, let me make love to her, pretended to care about my feelings, and every time it was a lie.

  The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to break something.

  Even worse, she completely ignored my feelings, my reasons for waiting. What I’d said about missing Will growing up. How it made me feel guilty. She didn’t care about that. She didn’t care about any of it.

  And now we’re going to have twins. Two more mouths to feed and bodies to clothe. And where will we put them?

  Nevermind. Those details we could’ve worked out—if we’d made this decision together. Her mother would’ve let us move into her big empty house if we’d asked. And we had the money. But none of that mattered.

  What mattered was she made the deliberate choice to ignore how I felt, to completely ignore me. And not just once. She’d done it every time. Every time I’d been loving her, trying to make things better, she’d been lying to me.

  We’d talked about this so much. I’d given her good, solid reasons why we needed to wait. I was encouraging. I told her there would be plenty of time for more babies. As many as she wanted. I didn’t say no. I only said wait. Just wait.

  I’m so angry, it’s hard to put my feelings into words.

  My head felt like it was pounding, and every time I looked at her, a fist of anger tightened in my chest. She tried to make up, to smile at me, but all I could see was a little girl who never grew up. A little girl who wanted to play with dolls and wear her hair in pigtails while she dressed in her favorite play clothes and fixed her play husband meals.

  I’ve been busting my ass trying to make these last pieces of the plan come together. I’m dealing with old men in suits who treat me like I’m a kid. I’m working overtime to be taken seriously. And then she goes behind my back and does this. In my own home, in my bed. The one place where I should feel safe.

  Twins.

  John and Lucy.

  She said their names as if that would make it all better. As if I would forget that we’d been having this conversation nonstop for almost nine months.

  I did everything I could to make her happy. The Mexico trip—she was probably doing it even then, pulling out all the old positions, using me like one of the stud horses on Dad’s ranch. The thought made my fist tighten.

  Then when we got back, I stopped working late. We started eating out more. I’d listened to what she’d said about how she was feeling, and I tried to make it better. But she couldn’t do the same for me.

  I couldn’t even look at her now. I didn’t want to touch her. If Lexy hadn’t been in the other room when she told me, I’d have thrown something. I had no intention of hurting Meg, but I didn’t know how to get her attention. I didn’t know how to get her to wake up and understand I was being serious. After Lexy left we said a lot of things, and I meant every one of them.

  I kept my voice calm, focusing on what she’d done. “I can’t believe you lied to me.”

  “Billy, I—”

  “No.” I didn’t want her excuses. “Nothing you can say will make this right.”

  She blinked and looked down. “I’m sorry.”

  “I appreciate you saying that, but you lied to me. I trusted you. I explained everything to you, and you said you understood.”

  She was crying now, but even her tears didn’t move me. “I know,” she said. “I don’t have a leg to stand on. I just… I just wanted…”

  “Please stop talking,” I said, my jaw clenching on its own. “There’s no way you can make this right.”

  Her blue eyes blinked large at me, but all I saw was a selfish little girl. “Don’t you want to have more babies?” she said.

  “That’s not the point,” I shook my head. “That was never the point. The timing wasn’t right, and I told you that.”

  “What if it was an accident?” she cried.

  “But it wasn’t an accident, was it.”

  “You act like I robbed a bank. I got pregnant. That’s all.” She crossed her arms and turned her back. “You get to run around playing with your skyscrapers and building your towers, and I just have to sit here and do nothing. Wait for you to have time for me.”

  My voice was quiet. “I said it was going to be this way. I wanted to wait.”

  “And I could wait three or four years, but we’re up to five years now, Billy.” She was crying again. “It’s never going to change is it? You’re always going to be working all the time. You never know when to leave that office.”

  “We’re right in the middle,” I argued. “I never said how long it would take, but you knew how much we had to accomplish. We’re still living in this damn cottage for Chris’sake.”

  “I can’t help that. All I know is Will’s in kindergarten, and he’ll be in first grade before long. He won’t even know his little brothers and sisters if we wait for you to finish conquering the world and come home.”

  “So that’s it,” I said. “You’re giving up on our dreams?”

  She threw out her hands and began to pace. “When were they ever our dreams? It was always your big plan and what you were going to show everybody.”

  “And the house on the island?” I said, reminding her of what she had wanted. “The money, the prestige. Those things never mattered to you?”

  “Not enough to give away my family. Or wait until I’m too old to try and have another baby.”

  I groaned through an exhale. “You’re twenty three. That’s younger than most girls who’ve even started having babies. And this is all way off the point. You lied to me.”

  She rolled her eyes. “And you just insist on making this the worst thing that could ever happen to us.”

  “Lying to me is pretty bad.”

  “Fine!” She cried. “I get it. I’m a terrible wife. So what do you want to do? Divorce me?”

  “Don’t be dramatic.”

  “I don’t know what else to say. It’s done now.”

  “And I just have to deal with it.” Saying the words made my stomach burn with anger. “Why couldn’t you just get a part time job? Work at the hospital again? Volunteer at school?”

  “I didn’t want to work at the hospital. It reminded me too much of Daddy.”

  “What about volunteering at the school?”

  “I didn’t think of that.” She looked down and pushed her hair behind her ear, and it was clear she still wasn’t taking this seriously.

  “I can’t talk to you anymore,” I said, going to the door. “I’ll be at the office if you need anything.”

  March 15, 19--

  I’ve slept at the office a week now.

  Alex came in the second morning and saw me, and I have to give her credit. I half expected her to rush to Meg’s side immediately, ready to tell me how unreasonable I was being. But she didn’t. Instead she sat on the couch beside me, two coffees in hand.

  “Sleeping at work?” Her voice was gentle. “That’s terrible for those thousand-dollar suits.”

  I sat up and took one of the steaming cups. “Thanks. I haven’t felt like going home.”

  “Don’t be mad at her,” she said softly. “I mean, it was wrong of h
er to do that, but she’s going to get her share of payback when those twins arrive. I think she’s just as worried as you are now.”

  Her dark eyes blinked to mine and she smiled. I studied her pretty face. First we were friends, and now we were allies?

  “It just really burned me,” I said. “I specifically asked her not to do it, and she did it anyway. It’s like I can’t even trust her now.”

  “Well, she can’t get pregnant again. You should go home and kiss and make up.”

  I shook my head and looked down. “I’m too angry.”

  “But you love Meg, right?” She leaned down and tried to catch my eye. “Those babies won’t be here for at least six months, and a lot of these projects are almost done. It’ll work out.”

  I glanced at her. “Maybe they can stay at your house.”

  “Whoa, hang on,” she laughed. “I’m being supportive over here. I’m not crazy.”

  I smiled then, but I was still mad. At least I wasn’t brooding anymore.

  Still it didn’t make a difference. I tried, but I couldn’t go home. I thought about our conversation, and Alex was right. I had to forgive Meg. I just couldn’t figure out how when she didn’t seem to understand how much she’d damaged my ability to trust her. To love her.

  Maybe I was thinking about it too much.

  Last night Alex stayed late to talk to me again. She tried to take the blame for it all. She tried to convince me it was her fault that Meg had tricked me—that she’d told Meg to do it.

  At first I was angry at both of them, but when I saw Alex’s worried face, the tears in her eyes, I knew the truth. She might’ve said the words, but she could never have acted on them. The thought might’ve crossed her mind in a moment of frustration. But she would never have actually done it herself. And she was stunned by the knowledge that Meg would. That Meg did.

  I looked into her tear-filled eyes and I knew. She would never have held me in her arms, kissed my lips, and lied to my face.

  April 5, 19--

  It’s been more than a year since that night in the office.

  It’s been less than a month since that day on the boat.

  I never expected it to happen when I gave everyone the afternoon off, but looking back, I should’ve seen it coming a mile away. I should’ve realized it could happen after Tango Sol. I should’ve known it could happen after the showdown over the twins.

  I set myself up for the fall, and I walked right into it.

  I was furious with Meg and carrying the twins had been difficult for her. We hadn’t slept together since she told me. Even after they were born, when she was feeling better and we might’ve made up, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let it go. I wasn’t trying to punish her, but whenever I looked at her, resentment burned in me.

  A year had passed.

  One year.

  That amount of time makes you wonder what it’s all about. It makes you feel like a free agent or something. Like nobody even cares any more. Meg was back to her old self, but I wasn’t back at her side. I didn’t want to be.

  Then I thought about how it happened. About Alex on the boat, wearing my shirt over her bikini. Her long, brown hair swaying in the breeze.

  What was I thinking when I’d suggested we go for a sail, just the two of us? I don’t even know now. It seemed like I thought it would be innocent. It was the first time we’d been out on the boat as friends. Back in the day, we’d always been at odds, and she’d always been frowning on my boat with me. Now everything had changed.

  I loved the water so much, and any time I thought of relaxing, it was there. I wanted her with me, smiling this time. When I’d playfully grabbed her, I never expected the look in her eyes. Her brown eyes that were so deep and warm. She wanted me. And in that look, all the feelings I’d been fighting for her swept over me, pulling me under.

  It was hard to think about what happened next. I was always so controlled, but I lost it then. I took her, and I could still feel her soft skin against my lips, her legs wrapped around my waist. She was as passionate and sensual as I’d imagined. With her on my lap, my hands moved from her silky hair down her smooth back to her waist and up to her small breasts. My mouth followed suit, tasting every part of her body I could find. I lay her back on the bed with my brain on fire. I didn’t even hesitate in exploring her, and when we’d come together, it happened too fast. We were both satisfied, but I had to hold her again. I had to go slower, to remember.

  The second time changed everything. She looked at me with those serious eyes, stroking my forehead, my face. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but I could see it in her expression. She loved me. And I loved her. I covered her mouth with mine and kissed her deeply, again and again. We truly made love. And we fell asleep wrapped in each others’ arms, my lips pressed to her forehead.

  I woke up and she was gone. And now she won’t see me.

  She’s right. I know she’s right. We can’t see each other. Not now. It had been too easy to pull her to me, and it could too easily happen again.

  I can’t lie. I want it to happen again. I find myself envisioning things…

  Things that would never work.

  I should never have lost control. Now the knowledge of what it was like to be with her, the memory of us together, is always in my thoughts.

  I should’ve let her go to Atlanta like she suggested. But I couldn’t.

  Somehow the knowledge she’s still here keeps me going.

  Driving to work this morning, I surveyed the massive structures going up all across Dolphin Shores Boulevard. It was the product of Bryant’s and my big gamble. We knew it was a sure thing, and now we were getting interviews from business magazines and leaders across the industry wanting our advice. A few more months, and we’d have more money than we’d know what to do with. We could even move the offices from that Brown Jones rental to the penthouse suites of Phoenician I.

  I noticed a white sheet on my chair as I unlocked the door and walked into my corner office. It was a cool morning, and I looked out across the intercoastal waterway as I opened the note. I recognized her swirling script. One sentence, and I dropped it to the floor.

  “I’m pregnant. –A.”

  April 6, 19--

  I stayed late last night to see her.

  I’d agreed she wouldn’t see me again, but not after that. When she walked in the door, I was struck by her beauty. It seemed even more intense, despite her apparent exhaustion. I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her. I wanted to smooth her hair back and make love to her. I wanted her to say she missed me as much as I missed her, that her insides ached like mine now that we never saw each other.

  But I couldn’t do that.

  She’d asked me to stay away, and I was taking a big chance being here now.

  “Alex,” I said softly.

  Her dark eyes flicked up. “I guess you got my note.”

  “I did.” I took a step toward her, but she turned to her desk and started unpacking her bag.

  “I didn’t want to see you. I just wanted you to know.”

  I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice, but I wasn’t sure I was successful. “What can I do?”

  “Nothing,” she answered quickly. “Or… I don’t know. Help me figure out what to do.”

  My heart beat a little faster at the invitation. “I’ll help you any way I can,” I said. “I’ll give you money. I’ll give you anything—”

  “I don’t want your money,” she said, looking down. “I don’t… I don’t know what I want. You needed to know, but I can’t have you in my life like that.”

  “I want to be in your life. I want us to be together.”

  She faced me then, eyes blazing. God, she was gorgeous. “Are you crazy? Have you completely forgotten about your wife and three children? What’s wrong with you, Bill?”

  I cleared my throat and looked down, rubbing my forehead. “I haven’t forgotten. I’ll take care of them. I’ll take care of them forever, but… I can�
��t stop thinking about you, about us. We have to be together.”

  “Because of what happened on the boat?” She shook her head. “That was nothing to base anything on. You were still angry, and I was drunk. Or stupid. Or both.”

  There was no way I was letting her dismiss it that way. I knew better. “It was a lot more than that and you know it.”

  “Well, that’s too damn bad. It’s too late for that. Years too late. There’s Meg.” She took a quick breath and shoved her hands in her hair. “Oh, god, I can’t stop thinking about Meg. But even if it wasn’t for her, you’re my boss. You’re married and you have three children. Can’t you see how this looks? It would ruin you. Have you really worked so hard to just throw it all away like that?”

  “I don’t care about those things.”

  “Yes, you do.” She dropped her hands hard. “Don’t even say that to me.”

  “Okay, yes, I care about my work and what we’re doing here. But before you came back that was all I cared about. I didn’t even know I could care about anything else until you.” The pain in my stomach made me reflexively touch my midsection. “God, Alex. Just seeing you makes me happy.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “Stop it! It doesn’t matter, and it’s not going to change anything.”

  I took another cautious step toward her. I was ready to beg. “Really? Do you really mean that?”

  “I am not going to be the person who destroys Meg’s home.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “She’s my best friend. My sister. I could never be happy if I hurt her like that. I could never be happy with you knowing what it cost her.”

  I released the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and slowly turned away. I walked to the windows to stare out at the darkness. I was beaten. I could never win this fight with her.

  “I know,” I said quietly. “I knew you would say that. I’ve been going over and over it in my mind, but I knew in the end you would always say those words.”

  Her voice was small. “I do care about you, and if things were different…”

  “But they’re not.”