Like a Love Song

by Nikita Singh

  Maahi put the phone down and continued staring at the ceiling, listening to strange music, acutely aware of her breathing—slow and even.

  2

  When the sun came out, Maahi, for the lack of anything to do, took another shower. She got dressed for class and went downstairs to the mess. It was still early and she didn’t see many people on her way there. She served herself some scrambled eggs and a slice of toast and took her plate to a table by the window. She looked out at the dirty blue sky waiting for sunlight to make it brighter. It looked dry and dead against the green grass.

  ‘Oh, hey! You’re Maahi, right?’ a small, round man with square spectacles asked her.

  ‘Hi, yes. Dev?’ She saw him around all the time, but had only spoken to him once before.

  ‘That’s me. Can I sit with you?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘How’s it going? Up so early,’ Dev commented as he sat down opposite her, also looking out of the window.

  ‘So are you.’

  ‘Fair. I have to finish the assignment early; we’re planning to go out for Prateek’s birthday later in the evening. Are you coming?’

  Maahi hesitated. ‘I actually … I don’t know anyone.’

  ‘Then you should definitely hang out with us. You’ll meet everyone,’ Dev said. He spotted someone entering the mess and called out, ‘Hey Priyanshi, here!’

  ‘Morning!’ the curly haired girl called back, walking towards them. ‘What’s up? Hi, I’m Priyanshi.’ She stuck out her slender hand to Maahi, flashing her electric-blue nailpolish.

  ‘Maahi.’

  ‘I was just telling Maahi that she should come with us to Prateek’s party tonight.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Priyanshi said, visibly excited. ‘You should totally come. It’s going to be a lot of fun. I’m getting kind of sick of all these boys anyway. I’d love to have another girl around.’

  Maahi smiled. ‘I’ll try to make it.’

  Priyanshi brought her breakfast to the table and as they ate together, the rest of their friends joined in. Before Maahi knew it, an hour had passed and she found herself laughing with them. Her new friends. It was a strange group, with people from so many different states—Dev was from Bihar, Priyanshi from Gujarat, there were two boys from Uttar Pradesh and a girl from Maharashtra. Yet, for the first time since she had moved to Bangalore, Maahi didn’t feel out of place, because they were all out of place, and being outsiders, they somehow gelled together. The thought was relaxing. She wasn’t the only one lost, grappling to find a place for herself.

  ‘Are you enjoying Bangalore?’ Priyanshi asked her.

  ‘I think so. The weather is much better than it is back home,’ Maahi said, it was the only thing that came to her mind. She hadn’t seen much of Bangalore yet, and found herself unequipped to comment on anything else.

  Dev laughed. ‘I know what you’re talking about. It’s a very welcome change for me. If there’s one thing I don’t miss, it’s the excessive humidity in Patna. In fact, every time I feel homesick, I remind myself of that. Works every time.’

  ‘But it’s no longer summer,’ Maahi pointed out.

  ‘Oh, it’s always summer there. Except when it’s winter—just these two extremes. God, I have goosebumps just talking about it. Look.’ He pointed at his arm. Maahi couldn’t spot any goosebumps. ‘The terror.’

  ‘He’s just being dramatic, like always,’ the girl from Maharashtra said.

  ‘Don’t worry, you’ll tune it out after a while,’ Priyanshi added.

  Maahi grinned and said, ‘I don’t mind.’

  ‘HA!’ Dev punched the table with his fist. ‘Not everyone is as judgemental as you guys, see? Maahi, will you be my new best friend?’

  Maahi didn’t know how to respond to that. She just sat there blushing while the others asked Dev who his current best friend was. Priyanshi pretended to be hurt when Dev refused to answer and the Maharashtrian girl said she knew it was her. Maahi could see herself being a part of this. She liked how childish they all were, and felt less burdened about appearing mature. She could be the awkward, shy teenager in the corner and wouldn’t be forced to pretend to be confident and outgoing. She had only just met them, but she already liked them.

  The guys from UP got up and Maahi checked the time on her phone. No messages or missed calls. She hated when that happened, particularly when she had kept her phone away for a few hours, expecting him to call or text. Maybe he was still asleep, she reasoned. He did go to sleep at five in the morning, and it was only ten. She missed him, but resolved not to call or text before he did. He had a long day at work the previous day and needed to catch up on his sleep. She didn’t want to disturb him. She was also mad at him, but didn’t want to admit it, even to herself. Being mad at someone when they couldn’t help the situation was childish, and she was no child.

  ‘Let’s go,’ Dev said, shaking her out of her thoughts.

  Maahi got up, and the world swayed. She was more under- rested than she had believed. She placed her palm flat on the table for support, staying very still, waiting for it to pass.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Dev asked, studying her face.

  ‘Yes … yes.’ She didn’t elaborate. She breathed out deliberately before picking up her bag. ‘Ready?’

  They walked out of the mess together, towards the IT building. Maahi didn’t hear much of what they were saying at first, lost in her thoughts. But then she forced herself to be present and listen. She didn’t speak though; they were walking fast and Maahi was losing energy. She missed her mom’s cooking.

  With three consecutive classes, the day went by faster than she had expected. She attended all of them, sitting with the same people in every class, for the first time since she’d been here. They were halfway through the third and final class of the day when she got a text.

  Kishan: I miss you, baby. I want to see you. :*

  Maahi didn’t respond to it straightaway. She placed her phone face down under her book and looked up towards her teacher. But no matter how hard she tried, she could no longer concentrate on what he was saying. She didn’t take her eyes off the green board, staring at it unblinkingly until a tear escaped the corner of her eye. She told herself it was fatigue, that she was having trouble breathing because she didn’t drink enough water. Dehydration—that’s what it was. She collected the sleeve of her shirt at her wrist and quickly wiped the teardrop with it. She shouldn’t lose fluids when she was already short on them.

  She got another text a little later.

  Kishan: I’m sorry. I know I messed up. But I’m really sick. :( :(

  When the class ended, they met up with Prateek, the birthday boy. They decided to go back to their rooms to change and meet again in an hour to leave together. Priyanshi walked with her to their hostel.

  ‘I like Nizami sir. I think he’s a really good teacher,’ Priyanshi said.

  Maahi nodded.

  ‘Maths is hard for me, you know? I’m not bad at it, but I don’t like it either. To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m doing here. Everyone was taking PCM after tenth class, so I took it too. I like chemistry, physics is okay too, but maths—ugh. I managed somehow. If not for group study, I would’ve failed. After twelfth, everyone was going for engineering, and I did the same. Now here we are.’ Priyanshi sighed. ‘Do you like it?’

  ‘Hmm?’ Maahi looked up from her phone.

  Kishan: Can you come over to meet me? Please? I need you. ;(

  ‘Do you like maths?’ Priyanshi repeated.

  ‘I guess. It’s alright.’ Maahi shrugged.

  ‘I don’t know, man. It’s not bad, but I can do without it. Nizami sir is making it much easier for me though. I really like him.’

  ‘Yes, he’s good.’

  ‘Are you always this quiet? I feel like I’m talking too much.’

  ‘No, no. It’s okay.’

  Priyanshi laughed. ‘You’re so sweet. You can tell me if I’m bothering you. I usually bother people. It’s kind of what I do
.’

  ‘You aren’t bothering me. I’m just … not feeling that well.’

  ‘Really? What’s wrong? You do look a bit off. I was just telling Dev in class.’

  ‘It’s nothing serious. My head hurts.’ Even as she said it, Maahi realized it was true.

  ‘Oh, no. Do you think you can still make it to the party with us?’ Priyanshi asked. ‘Shit, don’t answer that. I’m so selfish for asking that the first thing after you tell me you don’t feel well.’

  ‘No, it’s okay. But I don’t think I’ll be able to come today.’

  ‘Yeah, you don’t look so good. You should rest. Some other time though?’ Priyanshi kept a steady hand on Maahi’s arm. They had reached the front door of their hostel.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ Maahi said weakly, feeling bad about lying to her and cancelling at the last minute.

  Priyanshi patted her shoulder before leaving. ‘Feel better.’

  ‘Have fun.’

  Maahi walked slowly to her room, her emotions oscillating. She was still angry at Kishan, but she couldn’t help but worry about his health at the same time. She left her books in her room and locked the door behind her. She pulled out

  her phone.

  Maahi: Leaving from hostel now.

  Kishan: Can’t wait to see you!!

  Maahi took her time walking to the bus station. The evening sun was kind to her, and she enjoyed the fresh air. She had grown quite fond of her college campus and planned to walk more. Kishan went to the gym every day, no matter how hectic his schedule got. Maahi envied his determination to stick to this healthy routine and maintain his lean physique. She saw her campus as an opportunity for a fun workout, but hadn’t had a chance to take out time for a morning jog.

  When she reached Kishan’s apartment, she felt much calmer than she had all day. She texted him from downstairs, so he was waiting at the door when she got out of the elevator. Kishan was wearing a pair of burgundy shorts with a checked shirt open down to the fourth button. His eyes were swollen and his hair was a mess.

  ‘What’s with your hair?’ Maahi asked.

  Kishan kept one foot behind the doorframe to keep it unlocked and leaned forward towards her. Maahi rose on her toes to give him a small hug, but Kishan kept holding her. He released a long breath into her short hair and pulled her tighter into his chest. Maahi arched her neck back in order to breathe. She closed her eyes as he held her, and felt the rest of her anger dissipate.

  ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ Kishan said. ‘I feel so shitty about that.’

  ‘No,’ Maahi said quickly, placing her palm against his beard. ‘No, it’s okay. How are you feeling now?’

  Kishan released her and shrugged. ‘Not so bad, not so good.’

  ‘You aren’t warm. Do you have a headache?’ Maahi followed him into his apartment and closed the door behind them. It was a one bedroom with lemon-yellow walls that contrasted with the orange ones on opposite sides of the room. Kishan hated those walls with an intensity that Maahi found amusing. He had chosen the apartment for its location and overall convenience, and had intended to repaint the walls from the very beginning, but hadn’t had a chance yet. Maahi sometimes thought that even though he complained, he secretly liked them.

  ‘Yeah,’ Kishan said, looking around the small living area that was bare of furniture except the two plastic chairs next to the open kitchen, and a giant bean bag opposite his flat screen TV. The bean bag was the most disgusting thing Maahi had ever seen—brown, furry and smelling like stale potatoes. She liked everything else in his apartment. She was envious of Kishan because he got to live by himself. She had always wanted to live alone, but had to share her room at the hostel with a roommate. ‘This hangover is killing me. I called out from work, but they still gave me shit to do. Been working from home all day. Sucks.’

  ‘Hangover?’ Maahi asked mildly. She followed him to his bedroom, which was in its usual state of disarray. ‘Did you drink last night?’

  ‘Mm?’ Kishan ruffled the comforter on his bed and laid it back flat over the sheets. ‘Better.’

  ‘I asked if you drank last night,’ Maahi asked again, watching Kishan as he climbed on the bed and rested his head against the headboard.

  ‘Oh, yeah. Didn’t I tell you? Yeah. Come here, snuggle with me.’ Kishan wiggled two fingers at her. It reminded Maahi of how her mother used to tickle her as a child. She would curl her index and middle fingers inwards, like a hook, and tickle her from a distance. Even though she didn’t actually touch her, Maahi would feel ticklish and giggle uncontrollably. It was strange how that particular memory flashed into her head.

  ‘You didn’t tell me,’ she said calmly and sat down on the bed, facing Kishan.

  ‘Really? Weird. After you brought me lunch, word got around that it was our anniversary. My colleagues insisted we go out for a couple of drinks after work to celebrate. So we went to this happy hour place on M.G. Road. It was a little far but they also serve north Indian food, so we had these amazing starters and in-house brewed beer—’

  ‘You must’ve passed right by my college, going from your office to M.G. Road.’

  ‘Well, yeah, actually. And I thought of you. I even told my friends that this is where you go to study,’ Kishan said, smiling broadly. He slipped down under the covers, flat on his back. He patted the bed. ‘Get in now!’

  Maahi removed her sneakers and lay down on her stomach, on top of the covers. She propped herself up on her elbows and looked at Kishan sideways. ‘You could’ve asked me to come with you.’ Her voice was low. She managed not to let her displeasure show.

  ‘But you can’t drink. You’re not legal yet, and trust me, this place wouldn’t have let you in.’

  Maahi kept quiet. The age difference between them bothered her sometimes. She wished she were just a couple of years older. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, but there are all these rules you are made to follow, rules that come in your way. For the whole first year that they had been going out, they had to restrain themselves. She could never let go, let it happen, even when it felt natural. When it felt right. She had been seventeen, he had been twenty-one. It was true love for them, but it was a felony in the eyes of the law.

  ‘Do you feel bad?’ Kishan asked.

  Maahi nodded. ‘Kind of. I mean, it was our anniversary after all. You celebrated it with your friends, without me. I just think it’s not … I don’t know. I don’t mean to sound … I don’t know.’

  ‘No, I totally understand. Hell, I wanted to spend it with you too, of course. I never intended for it to get so out of hand.’

  ‘You kept telling me you were on your way!’

  ‘Because I kept trying to leave, but someone or something kept holding me back. By the time I was able to get out, I felt like shit. Had to call a cab and go straight home and pass out, you know?’

  Kishan was watching her closely. It made Maahi conscious about the pimple on her left cheek. She curled her lips inwards. ‘Yeah,’ she said. But she didn’t know. She had lived with her family her whole life, in a protected and conservative environment. What did she know about going out drinking with friends, passing out and waking up with a hangover? ‘I don’t know why you have to be such a responsible grown-up and leave me out of everything.’

  ‘What? Are you serious right now?’

  ‘I don’t mean it like that. But I also want to do these things that I never got to do in Vaishali, with my parents always around. Now that we’re here, so far away from home, I thought I could try and see … And you’re here, so I know I won’t get into any trouble.’ Maahi wasn’t sure if she should’ve said anything. She didn’t find the look on Kishan’s face particularly encouraging.

  ‘Well, we can do something here, at my place. Or we can go out somewhere where you can get in. I didn’t know you felt that way.’ Kishan’s tone was clipped and Maahi felt like a spoiled child asking her parents for things they didn’t approve of.

  ‘I just want to spend time with you, do
fun things. That’s all I want.’

  ‘We’re spending time together now … and I can think of fun things for us to do, if I really stress my brain…’ Kishan winked.

  ‘Like what?’ Maahi giggled.

  ‘Like, you know?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Do you want me to spell it out for you?’ Kishan ran his fingers up her spine.

  Maahi sank her head into the mattress and hid her face. She could feel her ears get warm. Kishan’s hand came to a rest at the base of her neck. He caught hold of a handful of hair and pulled. Maahi’s face came up, and she met his eyes. He held her gaze and moved in, resting his mouth against her open lips. He swiftly turned her over on her back and moved on top of her, their lips pressed together.

  ‘Do you still need me to tell you?’ Kishan whispered.

  ‘I thought you weren’t feeling well,’ Maahi breathed.

  ‘Well enough for this. You.’

  Her face split in a shy smile. She looked away from him.

  ‘For you, always,’ Kishan said. He placed his fingers under her chin and turned her face towards him. ‘Look at me.’

  As Maahi looked into Kishan’s eyes, she forgot all her agitation from before. She was in the moment, loved and adored by the only man she had ever loved. The only man who made her feel like she was more than what she was, that she was better. It made her want to be more, to be better, for him.

  3

  ‘Ma, don’t say that!’ Maahi exclaimed.

  ‘It’s true! He never listens to me. I don’t know what to do about it. If he keeps being friends with those boys and riding those fast bikes … God knows he’s going to end up in a ditch somewhere one day. I’m telling you, he never listens to anything I say. He never takes me seriously,’ her mom cried.

  The Internet connection wasn’t very strong at her end, and Maahi could make out only vague, hazy expressions. But she hardly needed clear image quality to know what her mom’s face looked like at that moment. She had seen that face uncountable times. Her younger brother Sarthak had a penchant for being a pain in their mom’s neck.