Like a Love Song

by Nikita Singh

  Rohit: NO. You’re kidding, right?!

  Rohit: Are you SERIOUS?!?!

  Rohit: YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!!!!

  Maahi turned off her phone and slipped it under her pillow before falling face first into bed. She was in no mood to be judged.

  That night, when Maahi went to bed, she didn’t sleep until the break of dawn. Her eyes kept filling with hated tears, ruing the years they had lost. The wasted time they would never get back. She missed him for all the years she had forced herself to not miss him. She forgot about the horrible things they went through when they were together. All she could remember were the good times. All she could think about was how much she missed those days and how much she wanted them back.

  19

  Maahi had five missed calls from Laila. As she looked at it, her phone buzzed again; it was Laila again. She really needed a break—just one day off, away from everything, to find her balance, make sense of what was happening to her. But apparently, that was way too much to ask for.

  She sat on her bed for a long time after she woke up. Her brain stopped operating; she wasn’t thinking anymore, she was simply sitting there, glancing at her phone every time it lit up. Laila kept calling. She had several texts from several people.

  Kishan: Good morning. :*

  Laila: Hey, is your phone off?

  Laila: Pick up!

  Laila: Not again, Maahi. Swear to god…

  Rohit: Hey, you okay?

  Laila: Ugh, if you’re still sleeping, trust me I’m going to kill you

  Laila: WTF DUDE

  Sarthak: You home? Laila Di called

  Laila: Where TF are you

  Rohit: You know you can talk to me…

  Kishan: Just wanted to let you know… I’m thinking about you, baby!

  She thought about how Siddhant never called her anything except Maahi. He would say her name with different inflections. After a while, she thought maybe she was waiting for him to call her, or send her a text message. And then she started waiting for it. It didn’t happen.

  Maahi spent the whole day in bed. She figured no one was home, since no heads peeked in through her door. Siddhant didn’t text her, Kishan didn’t text her again, Laila’s calls and texts eventually ceased. She got a couple of calls from Sarthak too, and she tried to remember the last time she’d seen him. He had to leave for Mumbai in a week and was busy meeting his friends before that.

  Feeling worse than ever, she sat there, contemplating her next steps. Was she really still in love with Kishan? He certainly seemed to believe so. She couldn’t deny that she felt something when she was with him, when he kissed her. Her face grew hot, remembering the kiss. Would she never stop loving him? Should she? Maybe they were meant to be together. Maybe she was trying to build something with Siddhant forcefully, something that wasn’t there.

  The more she thought about it, the deeper she pushed herself into depression. She loved Siddhant, she really did. She could picture spending her life with him, but did she really ever love him the way she had loved Kishan? The innocent, selfless way, worshipping the ground he walked on, wanting nothing more than having him in her life, needing him like air? Can you ever love someone the same way you did when you were seventeen? They say a girl never forgets her first love. She was finding that to be true.

  Exhausting herself, she finally gave up and lay down on the bed. She put a pillow over her head and called Laila. It was five in the evening, she knew Laila would be pissed at her, but she needed her right now; she needed her advice. She couldn’t do it alone anymore.

  ‘Maahi, what the fuck!’ Laila screamed on the phone.

  ‘Hey, I’m sorry…’ Maahi said slowly.

  ‘Where have you been? Are you okay? I was just on my way over. I called Sarthak, but he didn’t know where you were either.’ Laila’s voice was shrill, loud enough to be heard clearly even over the noise of traffic.

  ‘I’ve been at home. I don’t … I don’t really know where to begin…’

  ‘What? What are you saying, Maahi? We had to check out the equipment today. I was forced to do all of that alone. I have short-listed a bunch of appliances. I’ll send you the details. Could you please, please look them over so we can finalize and place the orders?’

  ‘Laila, I don’t think I can,’ Maahi said, her voice cracking. ‘I don’t feel so good—I don’t know what’s happening.’

  ‘What happened? Are you sick?’ Laila asked. The noise from behind her was subtler and Laila wasn’t panting. Maahi guessed she had stopped walking and found a quieter place to talk.

  ‘No, I just need a couple of days off. There’s so much happening…’

  ‘Are you kidding me? Get your shit together. I’m begging you.’

  ‘I only need one or two days…’

  ‘Do you realize how much work this is? How can you expect me to do this alone?’

  Tears overflowed Maahi’s eyes. ‘I don’t … I’m not expecting you to do it alone. I just need a day to breathe. There’s so much—I met Kishan last night and I’m so confused—’

  ‘Okay, stop,’ Laila cut her off. ‘I literally don’t have any time for this right now. You and your childish games … Ugh. Maahi, what is this?’

  They were both quiet for a moment. Maahi wanted to talk to her, to tell her, but she knew Laila was in the middle of a thousand things, things she should’ve been in the middle of with her. She felt guilty about that. Laila spoke before she could say anything.

  ‘You know why I didn’t ask you to open this bakery with me?’ Laila said slowly. ‘I had had this idea for the longest time, but I never brought it up. It was because I wasn’t sure you were ready. I don’t blame you for that—you’re young and still trying to figure things out. We all are. I didn’t want to get you into something you would regret, or something that might come in the way of your personal development. But then you brought it up. You said you wanted this. You were passionate about it and I bought it. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see. You weren’t ready.’

  Maahi sobbed quietly, her hand on the speaker.

  Laila sighed, and then continued, ‘I love you, Maahi. You know I do. But I don’t think you see how important this is to me. If you can’t do this, there’s still time to back out. We haven’t used much of the funds yet, we’ve only paid rent for the space, and the website designers. Actually, the accountant and some other expenses … But it’s better to stop now than later, with more of it down the drain. We might find ourselves in a situation where there’s no out. There’s one now, and I’m offering it to you.’

  Maahi sniffed and cleared her throat. She removed her hand from the speaker and said, ‘You’re offering me an exit from Cookies + Cupcakes?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But … this is my dream.’

  Laila breathed out. Maahi could picture a mixture of a smile and a snort on her face. ‘You think it is. Think harder. Take some time.’

  Maahi thought about it for a second and nodded, then realized she was on the phone. ‘Okay,’ she said bleakly. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Nah. You take care and call me if you need me, okay? You don’t have to make this decision alone.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  They hung up. Maahi got off the bed, only to sit on the floor and cry, her whole life a mess. When she couldn’t handle it anymore, she went to the bathroom and stood under the shower. She expected to feel better, somehow lighter when she stepped out, but wasn’t gratified.

  Maahi: I need to see you.

  Siddhant: Come over tonight?

  Maahi: No, this can’t wait.

  Siddhant: Are you okay?

  Maahi: No, I need to talk to you. Please, this one time, just say yes.

  Siddhant: Okay, let me see what I can do. Where do you want to meet?

  Maahi: Can you come over?

  Siddhant: What about your parents?

  Maahi: No one’s home. And I don’t care.

  Siddhant: I’ll come as soon as I can. Is everything alright?<
br />
  Maahi: I don’t know.

  Maahi slumped down on her bed and lay down, her wet hair on the bed sheet. She was in her navy sweatpants and a white T-shirt that had turned greyish over washes. She had got that T-shirt back when she was in high school. It had an image of Darth Vader printed on its front and no matter how much her mom hated it, Maahi couldn’t throw it out. She hadn’t even seen Star Wars.

  Siddhant was there sooner than she had expected. He must’ve left immediately after her texts. Maahi got up and checked her reflection in the mirror. The old T-shirt hung loose on her skinny shoulders, her eyes were hollow, with dark shadows underneath, and her half-dried hair was a tangled mess. She pushed it away from her face and went out to open the door for Siddhant.

  She smiled as she said hi, a vacant smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

  ‘Hey. What’s going on?’ Siddhant asked, entering.

  ‘Come with me,’ Maahi said, holding his hand and pulling him to her room. ‘Sit down, I need to talk to you.’

  Siddhant let her guide him and sat down at the edge of her bed. He looked up at her, his eyes searching. He didn’t look so well either. His eyes were sunk in, missing their usual gleam. His hair and beard were in a mess again. Maahi touched a strand falling over his eyes and pushed it back, letting her fingers linger in his hair.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked.

  Maahi pulled her hand back and sat down next to him on the bed. She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to form words, somehow construct sentences that would aptly deliver how she was feeling. And, maybe, in the process decipher what she was actually feeling.

  ‘You’re really scaring me now. Has something happened?’ Siddhant asked. Turning towards her, he held both her hands in his. ‘Maahi, talk to me.’

  She sniffed and looked away. ‘I told you about Kishan, right?’

  ‘The asshole ex-boyfriend? Yes.’

  ‘He’s not an asshole! He’s only human. He was dealing with some things back then and fucked up.’

  ‘O—kay,’ Siddhant said, confusion evident on his face. ‘I know only what you’ve told me, and the way you’ve told me.’

  ‘Right. But I was wrong. I judged him wrong—arrived at conclusions about him that aren’t true. I shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘And this is relevant because…?’

  ‘He’s here. He’s in Delhi,’ Maahi said. She gulped and looked up at him, trying to find the courage. She did what she tended to do in situations of stress and panic, and blabbered, words stumbling over each other to escape her lips. ‘Kishan moved back to Delhi some time ago. He tried to get in touch with me, but I hated him! I didn’t give him a chance to talk to me at all. Then he kept trying and I thought, fine, I’ll just talk to him generally once and that will be it. Only, it wasn’t. We started talking, and I finally started seeing how things happened from his perspective. I always framed him as the bad guy when it wasn’t completely his fault. It was the circumstances.’

  Siddhant was still holding her hand. His fingers tightened and loosened their grip on hers.

  ‘I started talking to him again. He’s a good guy, Siddhant. I judged him unfairly. I was in love with him for such a long time … long after we’d broken up. These things don’t just go away. When I met him again, I realized that things were exactly the same as before. I had only learned to live without him. I hadn’t stopped caring about him … He’s not a bad person.’

  ‘Okay. Now that we’ve established that your ex-boyfriend is a good guy, will you tell me why we’re talking about him?’ Siddhant asked.

  Maahi looked around the room, her eyes darting from one object to another, not finding a resting place. She shook her head and said sullenly, her voice barely a whisper, ‘You haven’t been around.’

  They paused in that moment, looking at each other, as Siddhant’s face changed, going from confusion to comprehension to disbelief to impassiveness. It only took a second. Maahi saw it happen, and something caught in her throat. He released her hand and turned away.

  ‘It was one kiss. He kissed me, and I didn’t kiss him back,’ Maahi rushed to explain, then added quietly, ‘but I didn’t stop it either.’

  ‘And it’s my fault.’

  ‘It’s not your fault! I’m just saying that you haven’t been around. Which is true—you haven’t. With so much going on with the bakery and my parents and everything, I’ve been so stressed and worn out and I try to turn to you but you’re never there. But then I feel bad about turning to you in the first place and I want to talk to you about it, but you said your career is so important to you and you don’t want anything to distract you. I don’t want to be what that girl was for you…’

  ‘Maahi, don’t,’ Siddhant said sternly. ‘I’ve never seen you as a distraction.’

  ‘You have! You told me yourself! When we first started seeing each other—after that Mario Kart date. You told me your primary focus is your work.’

  ‘And I meant it. I have quite literally been working on my career ever since I was born. I had only known you for a few weeks. How can there be a comparison? And I still somehow found my way back to you. Those few weeks away from you were enough for me to realize how much I needed you in my life.’

  ‘But what about since then? You’ve been so busy. You’ve always put your work before me!’ Maahi cried, her frustration flowing.

  ‘I’ve just started off. I don’t know what you expected this would be like, but this is the reality. I can’t stop being a doctor. I can’t help my schedule. I knew what I was getting into. And I thought you did too,’ Siddhant snapped.

  ‘I understand the life you’ve chosen. I’m not stupid.’

  ‘Then stop trying to blame me for what you did!’

  ‘I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m trying to talk to you, have a conversation with you, tell you that I’ve needed you several times over the past few weeks and you’ve never been there,’ Maahi said. Tears were flowing down her cheeks now, seeing Siddhant’s distress and knowing she was the one responsible. Yet, for some reason, fighting it.

  ‘You think I haven’t needed you? You think when I get home after one rough day after another, I don’t wish you were there? You’ve been busy too—but I don’t hold that against you. I admire that you’re so driven and hardworking, and I want nothing more than to see you succeed. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. Just because I don’t go around crying about it—’

  ‘That’s mean!’

  ‘No. I’m telling you how I feel. I love you and I miss you and I care about you, and I want to spend time with you. Why do you think I’ve been telling you that we should talk to our parents all along? Because I was sure. I was ready. But I can see now that you weren’t. You kept saying it’s because you needed time to set up your business, but I can see the real reason why you were holding it off,’ Siddhant said. He got up and ran his hands through his hair. ‘It’s because of this guy … Kishan.’

  ‘No! No, it’s not like that. It’s because I didn’t want to stir things at home. They’re okay after such a long time. You have to trust me,’ Maahi said restlessly.

  ‘You’d understand how that’s a little hard for me to do right now.’

  ‘But I’m telling you the truth. And we don’t have time to get married right now anyway. And I’m only twenty-three!’

  ‘And I’m twenty-six. I never intended to get married so early either. But I just … I thought when it’s real, I’d know. With you, I thought I knew. I’m sorry you felt pressured. I was simply suggesting telling our parents and getting engaged, so we could stop sneaking around.’ Siddhant sighed. ‘Anyway. None of that matters anymore.’

  ‘What does that mean?’ Maahi asked, scared to find out.

  ‘Do you have to ask?’

  ‘I never meant to hurt you, Siddhant. You have to believe me. That kiss … I understand if you never forgive me. But you have to trust me—I never intended for it to happen. I would never intentionally hurt you. I’m so confused. Meeting Kis
han, there are all these feelings rushing back—it makes me wonder if I always had feelings for him, maybe I was trying so hard to supress them, I fooled even myself. We’ve known each other so well, we’re so familiar. I don’t know what to think of any of this. And then there’s you.’ Maahi paused. She got up and stood in front of him. He looked straight ahead, his jaw clenched. Maahi touched it lightly and said, ‘I love you so much … but—’

  ‘I have to go,’ Siddhant said suddenly. He looked away from the wall he was staring at and took a step back.

  Maahi took a step further. ‘Siddhant, please … I’m really sorry…’

  ‘I can’t do this.’

  ‘Please, listen to me—let me explain.’

  ‘I think I’ve heard enough,’ Siddhant said. He looked at her. ‘I can’t stand here and listen to you tell me why you love me, but. I refuse to do that.’

  Maahi wiped her tears and gasped for air. ‘I never meant—’

  ‘I don’t have time for this!’ Siddhant suddenly lost control and snapped. ‘I should’ve never let it come to this … never should’ve gotten into this…’ He looked away from Maahi and shook his head.

  ‘Don’t say that!’ Maahi cried. ‘What we have—’

  ‘We have nothing. That’s what we have right now. You made sure of it.’

  ‘But I love you!’

  Siddhant snorted and turned away, but not before Maahi saw his clenched jaw shivering ever so slightly and his bloodshot eyes, dark and vacant, releasing a single drop of tear. He wiped it away angrily and opened the door to walk out.

  For a second, as she watched his back disappear behind the door, Maahi’s heart sank. She saw him walk away, and it struck her. She might never see him again. He would never want to talk to her after what she’d done. When Siddhant walked out that door, he was walking out of her life. She felt crippled with the pain in her gut. She bent inwards, holding her arms together, clutching tightly against her stomach, trying to physically salve her pain.

  20

  Maahi heard her mom’s voice in the living room. She quickly pushed her hair back and ran her palms through her face before rushing out. Papa was sitting on the couch, taking off his shoes and Ma was by the dining table, a glass of water in her hand. Siddhant, who was by the door that connected Maahi’s room to the living room, paused midstride.