Without a Mother's Love

by Catherine King

  ‘Please do not press me on that, Toby.’

  His voice remained low. ‘I shall not.You need not fear.’

  This only increased her agitation at her deception. ‘I cannot marry you.’

  ‘Of course you can,’ he argued softly. ‘My forgiveness for what you were was given when I hoisted you onto my horse that day by the canal. I do not wish to live without you and I must when Anna leaves.’

  ‘You will send me away?’

  He sighed. ‘You do understand what I mean when I say you should not stay in this house with me unless we marry? I desire you and I am not made of stone. You cannot stay unless you become my wife.’

  Livvy understood only too well. She was already thinking she would have to run away, leave under cover of darkness, and she did not want that. Were she in the next county she might have said yes to marriage with him. She cared not for the laws of the land - they had served her ill in her short life. But a ceremony here meant the church in the town, a vicar who might recognize her and know she already had a husband, alive and well and seeking her return.

  She swallowed and replied, ‘I - I . . . If you wish it, I do not seek your hand in marriage to give you the comfort you desire.’

  The horror on his face startled her. ‘Livvy! How can you even think of it? Would you give credence to the gossip? I am a mission leader! How can I betray my fellows in such a way? No, marriage is the only solution.’ He softened. ‘It is what I want for us. Please say yes.’

  ‘I cannot.’ She shook her head emphatically. ‘I cannot stand in the church and make the vows . . .’

  ‘Of course, I see. You are afraid of meeting with your past life in the town.’ He knelt by her side and held her hand tenderly. ‘Dearest Livvy, if you can bring yourself to agree to become my wife, to do this one thing for me, we shall be the first to have our union blessed in our chapel.’

  ‘Not the parish church?’

  ‘Why, no. As I said, we shall have notice soon from York that our chapel is registered for marriages. Our own Wesleyan minister will conduct the service. It will make me so happy.’

  A marriage with Toby? Was it possible? She had found a safe and caring home with him and Anna. She gazed at him. If only he were Jared she would not hesitate. She would have lived with Jared outside marriage, even had his child outside wedlock. If that was wicked of her, then so be it. It was the only way she could ever be truly happy. But that was impossible for her. Toby was a fine man and would make any woman a good husband. He was strong in spirit and kind in heart, and she wondered why he had not married. As his wife, she would have a proper name, a proper life.

  No one who went to the chapel knew her as Hesley Mexton’s wife. Chapel was for the artisan and labouring classes. She was Livvy Smith now, and Livvy Smith had not been married before. Toby knew she was not a maid and did not seem to mind. She would be protected from prying eyes and secure in a new life as Toby’s wife.

  She thought briefly that she would go to gaol if anyone found out. But, she considered rashly, it would be worth it to stay in this loving home. She put her doubts to the back of her mind and said, ‘Very well. I will marry you.’

  When he told Anna that Livvy had agreed to become his wife, she replied, ‘I am pleased for you and wish you both every happiness.’

  ‘You do not sound joyful.’

  ‘There is a side of her that we do not know. Do not expect too much.’

  ‘She has an inner strength, sister. When we are as one, she will open up to me, I am sure.’

  Anna sighed. ‘I hope so. Truly, I do.’

  Livvy wore her old day gown, and trimmed a straw bonnet with flowers. The minister, misreading her nervousness and uncertainty, assured them that the chapel was now registered with York and their marriage would be a proper one.They had a simple ceremony, which Anna attended with them. She left directly afterwards to go back to her own mission and Toby drove the trap, carrying his new bride, to the empty farmhouse.

  As soon as they were inside the door he embraced her tightly. ‘Thank you, dearest, for agreeing to marry me. We shall learn to love each other as husband and wife. Let us begin now.’ He led her upstairs to his chamber and the bed that they would share.

  Livvy took off her best dress and laid it carefully over the wooden ottoman. She knew what her duty was, and while he was disrobing she removed her undergarments and slid between the sheets.

  When he climbed in beside her he was wearing his night attire. ‘My dear,’ he exclaimed, ‘where is your nightgown?’

  ‘Is this not what you wish?’

  ‘Well, I - that is, I had not expected to see you.’

  She put her arms above her head and opened her legs.

  He owned to being shocked, but he had a burgeoning hunger for her and he quickly shed his own garment. He wished he had taken longer, for his pleasure was over far too soon. He lay there afterwards, thinking how little she had responded to him. His memories of lovemaking as a young man were of eagerness and girlish thrills from the ladies. They had sought union as much as he. He was older now. But Livvy was not. Yet she had been willing. Perhaps he had rushed her, he reasoned. He must be patient. Tonight he would be better prepared, less anxious, and they would learn to enjoy each other in ways that only married people could.

  But that night she was no different.The same passive offering and lack of passion. When it was over she sat up, drew her nightgown over her head, turned her back on him and went to sleep. He lay awake, fretting. There seemed to be no desire on her part. Livvy was compliant with his wishes, but she should expect more from him for herself, and he did not know how to encourage her.

  If she did not warm to this part of their marriage how could he ever hope that she would love him? Would she tire of him and seek a more youthful husband? He did not believe that. Livvy, his adorable young wife, was a dispassionate and cold woman in the marriage bed. It shook him to the core.

  Livvy was pleased he had got it over with quickly. Her previous experiences had been with rough, greedy men who called themselves gentlemen but did not behave as such in the bedchamber. Toby was different. He was vigorous, yet kind and gentle in his manner and his murmurings. He had said he did not mind if she preferred to wear her chemise or nightgown while he lay with her, so she did.This part of her new marriage would be tolerable if nothing else.

  For nothing else was all she had.

  ‘The coal stocks are low, Father.’ Jared stood in the office doorway at his father’s forge. He filled the space, blocking out the light and casting his shadow over the large oak desk.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going on at Mexton Pit, these days,’ his father complained. ‘The barges used to arrive regular as clockwork, but now I never know when to expect one.’

  ‘The new seam is good, isn’t it?’

  ‘Oh, aye. As good as Swinborough’s.’

  ‘And the miners are back on full pay?’

  ‘What’s left of them. A lot of ’em moved on after the old manager died.’

  ‘Well, it should be here, then! We can’t run the steam engines without a regular supply of coal. If Mexton can’t ship it, we’ll go elsewhere.’

  ‘Calm down. I expect it’s young Hesley, having one of his turns.’

  ‘He never goes to the mine. He leaves everything to the manager.’

  ‘That’s the trouble. They said at the lodge he dismissed the man.’

  ‘What? He was young but he knew about mining.’

  ‘There was a difference of opinion over the way he ran the pit. From what I hear Hesley wanted him to run the mine as he tried to run the sugar plantation.’

  Jared gave a hollow laugh. ‘When all his workers were slaves? The man’s mad.’

  His father remained silent.

  ‘Can’t something be done about him, Father? He shouldn’t be in control of anything if he’s drunk and filled with laudanum.’

  ‘It’s his mine, son.’

  ‘It’s as much Olivia’s. It was her money that saved
it.’

  ‘Don’t start on about his wife again.You couldn’t find her, and Hesley doesn’t want her. Wherever she is, she’s probably better off than she would be with him.’

  ‘If she’s still alive,’ Jared muttered bitterly.

  ‘Don’t say that. She’ll be with the governess. You’ll see.’

  ‘That’s what worries me!’ He stopped and took a deep breath. He had searched tirelessly for Olivia but it wasn’t his father’s fault that she had disappeared. ‘What are we going to do about this coal, Father? Shall I put in an order at Kimber Deep?’

  ‘No, son. Why don’t you ride over to Mexton Pit and find out what’s going on there? See if Hesley’s found a new manager yet.’

  Jared decided his father was right. Nobody was holding the reins at Mexton. What was Hesley thinking? He could sell all the coal he could mine, and for a good price now.

  Jared had not ridden to Mexton Pit for years. As he walked his horse slowly along the towpath he remembered Tobias Holmes and his sister with affection, but Olivia had kept him away from their mission.The new pithead was a couple of miles from the old one and the coal had to be carted further to the canal for transport to the forge. Kimber Deep had its own rail lines for drawing coal carts to the barges, but the Mexton cart track, laid with stone excavated from the new shaft, was already lined with ruts and littered with pot-holes. There was some activity at the engine house.

  ‘Halloo!’ he called. A working man came out to him. ‘Are you in charge?’

  The man pushed back his cap. ‘You might say that. What’s your business?’

  ‘Is Mexton about?’

  ‘Who’s asking for him?’

  ‘Tyler. He supplies coal for our forge.’

  ‘Then you’ll know he’s badly.’

  ‘Not the master, his grandson. Is he about?’

  ‘He’s never set foot in this place and never likely to.’

  ‘Who do you answer to, then?’

  ‘I keep the records and Jessup in town has the other papers. He sends one of his clerks to pay the men.’

  ‘Well, your shipment is overdue.’

  ‘That’s as may be.’

  Jared dismounted. ‘I see you’ve a steam engine now.’

  ‘When it’s working. I do me best, but t’ old manager that left knew more about it than I do. Horses are more reliable any day.’

  ‘Shall I have a look at it for you? I worked with the engine at Kimber Deep.’

  ‘They ’ave a proper engineer to keep it going. And that isn’t you, sir. You leave my engine alone.’

  Jared let the matter drop. ‘When d’you think you can get a barge of coal down to us?’

  ‘End of the week, I reckon.’

  Jared led his horse to the water trough. The Mextons were feckless. They needed a better steam engine and twice the number of miners. He remounted and rode back to the town, arriving at the Red Lion as the carrier came through. He recognized one of the passengers straight away.

  ‘Sarah?’

  She looked up from checking her bag as it fell from the cart. She had hardly changed, he thought. Pretty and personable. Plainly dressed in a simple bonnet and cloak. ‘Jared Tyler! My, how handsome you’ve grown!’

  ‘You too. Teaching must suit you.’

  ‘It does.’

  ‘Where is your position?’

  ‘County Durham. And you, are you still at Kimber Deep?’

  ‘With my father at the forge.’ A thought occurred to him. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve come across a teacher by the name of Trent, have you?’

  Sarah shook her head. ‘Can’t say I have.’ She frowned. ‘Although now you come to mention it, I believe I have heard . . . What’s her Christian name?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Trent . . . I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere.’

  ‘Where? Try to remember,’ he said anxiously.

  She looked at him steadily. ‘It may come to me later. I must go home now. My mother is ill.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. I hope she recovers.’

  ‘Thank you.Why don’t you join our Sunday meeting in the barn this week?’

  Jared agreed. If Sarah remembered and he found the governess, he might find Olivia too.

  Chapter 25

  ‘Who’s there?’ Harriet was used to being alone in Anna’s cottage outside the asylum now. But night had fallen and she was not expecting a visitor.

  ‘Open the door, Harriet. It is I. I am come home.’

  ‘Anna!’ Harriet leaped to her feet, drew back the bolts and turned the key. She grasped her arms and pulled her into the kitchen. ‘Praise be! Where is your box?’

  ‘It will be here tomorrow, with supplies for the mission. The post was delayed, and I did not wish to stay a night at the inn so I walked.’

  ‘You must be tired. Come, sit by the fire. I’ll fetch a log.’

  The wood was damp and the flames hissed and spat. Harriet lifted the heavy blackened kettle and shook it. ‘There is a little warm water left. And I have honey.You won’t believe the gifts I have received from the asylum governor’s wife! But more of that later. Are you quite well?’

  ‘I said so in my letter, did I not?’

  ‘But that was weeks ago and - and you have stayed away for so long.’ Her voice dropped. ‘I always fear the worst.’

  ‘Dearest Harriet, it is not my health that has kept me away. There is much to tell you.’ Anna flopped into the fireside chair and undid the bow on her bonnet. ‘I should really like a drink of warm water and honey.’

  Harriet stirred in a little elderflower cordial, too, and handed it to her. ‘You have not had any attacks while you have been away?’

  Anna reached out to take the mug. ‘I have not.You need not worry. I had the weakness when I was young. The physician who attended me then said I would grow out of it and I did.’

  Harriet would have preferred it if she had not been the one to cause Anna’s relapse. But she had recovered and not had another. ‘Drink,’ she urged.

  Anne moulded her hands around the warm stoneware mug. ‘Delicious.’

  ‘Is - is Tobias well?’ Harriet asked tentatively.

  ‘Very. Never better.’

  ‘He will miss your help now you are here.’

  ‘Indeed he will not! That is what I have to tell you. He is married!’

  Harriet felt as though her heart had stopped as she absorbed this news. The room was silent. She could not hear the crackling of the fire or the soft whistling of the wind through the shutters. The darkness of the room deepened so that she could no longer see her friend sitting opposite her. She was conscious only of a tiny glow, an ember at the edge of the fire. Her vision centred on it as she tried to focus her thoughts.

  Tobias had married. He had found someone else to love. Someone other than her. If she had harboured thoughts of them ever becoming more than friends, those hopes were now extinguished. He had never said anything to her to encourage her affections. He had not needed to. He just had to be there. As he was. A gracious man, who cared more for others than he did himself, and she loved him. The silence continued. It was probably not for very long but it seemed like an age to Harriet. She could think of nothing to say.

  ‘Yes, I was rendered speechless at first, too,’ Anna added. ‘I had believed he would not marry, that his calling took all of his attention. But, you see, my dear, we must never make up our minds too quickly about our fellows.’

  Why not? Harriet screamed silently. She had known from her first meeting with Tobias that she loved him. From the way he had hoisted his sister’s box onto the carrier’s cart and taken his leave of her - nay, of them both - with such tender affection. She’d thought his affection for her had grown. She knew it had. But not in the way she wished.

  She was his second sister, that was all. Where Anna was the elder, she was the younger, and she had basked in that, never having experienced such regard before in her life. But she loved him as a woman loves a man who is her husband,
not her brother, and she had continued to hope that that kind of love might be returned.

  ‘Harriet, my dear, you are upset.’

  ‘I - I . . . Well, no. That is, of course I am pleased for Tobias. It is such a surprise.There has been no betrothal, no celebration.’

  ‘No, my dear. Miss Smith is a private, shy person, and she was content to wed in the chapel, which has given us all a great deal of pleasure.’

  The daughter of another mission leader, perhaps, whom he had encountered at a chapel meeting. ‘Has he known her for long?’ she asked.

  Anna shook her head. ‘He is more than forty, my dear, and has met many suitable ladies in his time. He made his decision almost as soon as he met her. She - she is very beautiful.’

  As though that explains everything, Harriet thought. Unconsciously she stroked her hair, tucking in a few loose strands, and looked down at her plain skirt. She was not beautiful, she was presentable. Cleanliness and tidiness had always been important to her. What was beauty, anyway? Tobias was beauty to her, but clearly she did not inspire the same feeling in him. A deep sadness seeped into her heart.

  ‘Miss Smith is agreeable, too?’ she asked.

  ‘She is Mrs Holmes now, my dear. I find her a little withdrawn but she is very hardworking. Prodigiously so. She spends her days washing linen and scrubbing floors, even digging the garden in fine weather. Do you know? She reminds me of you in her ways. Clean and tidy, and so very thorough in everything she tackles.’

  Perhaps she was a pupil at Blackstone, Harriet thought miserably.

  ‘She will make him a very suitable wife. And, well, he is like a youth again in his demeanour,’ Anna finished, with a smile.

  This served only to deepen Harriet’s sadness. She wondered if she had been right to confess her past to him. Had it made a difference to his affection for her? She would never know. She heaved a great sigh. From now on she could be no more than a younger sister to him and would have to be content with that. But she was tired of being content with her allotted role in life. She pasted on a smile. ‘Then I am happy for him.You must be exhausted, Anna. I have kept you from your bed. I shall tell you news of the asylum in the morning after you have rested.’