Without a Mother's Love

by Catherine King

  ‘Loved?’

  His chin dropped and he shook his head. ‘It is difficult to keep loving someone who deceives you.You never truly returned my love, did you?’

  ‘I tried.’ Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered his kindness and patience.

  ‘You pushed me away. Constantly.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ She did not know what else to say. Or do.

  ‘I don’t think you ever wanted me as a husband, did you?’

  She remembered Hesley making similar comments in the early days of their marriage. She must be honest with Toby now. She had always been compliant but had not known what else he had expected of her. Sadly, she shook her head.

  He seemed to calm himself and continued, ‘I am truly sorry you lost our child. I thought you would grow to love me eventually. But it was not to be. I see that now.’

  ‘Do you know what will happen to me?’

  ‘You will have to go abroad.’

  Olivia felt panic rise in her breast. She did not want to leave the Riding and her friends, no matter what they thought of her actions.

  ‘Jared has offered to take you,’ he went on.

  ‘He has?’ she responded hopefully.

  ‘But he cannot. He has the coal mine to run now. Harriet will explain it to you.Your - your husband is very ill.’

  ‘I want to stay here.’

  ‘Do not be stubborn about this, Livvy.The word is out in the village as to who you are. If you don’t leave soon it is only a matter of time before the magistrate hears and sends the constable to arrest you. Jared is asking Mr Withers’s advice about this on the pretence of it being for one of the hurriers at the pit.’

  ‘But it wasn’t a proper wedding,’ she protested, ‘in the parish church.The minister who performed our chapel ceremony has gone to Africa, hasn’t he? Only you and I are left.’ When she saw how much these words hurt him, she covered her eyes with her hands and fell back into her pillows. How thoughtless she was! She had not meant to be so unkind.

  His frown deepened. ‘We cannot deny that a ceremony took place. Chapel marriages are legal now and recorded in a special book kept for the purpose.’

  ‘A book?’ She did not remember there having been a book at their wedding.

  ‘It’s in the law that allows our chapels to celebrate marriages. They have to be recorded.’

  ‘Who keeps the book?’

  ‘That new lawyer, Jessup. He deals with all the legislation for the parish.’

  Jessup. The name triggered memories and she went quiet. If he had behaved like a gentleman that night and not insisted on his winnings, she might never have left, might never have met Toby and never have been in this situation.

  Jessup owed her, she thought, and she wanted revenge. Before she went to gaol. She wanted to expose him for what he was. She did not know how, but she would think of something. She wondered where he kept his precious book.

  ‘Did you hear what I said, Livvy?’

  ‘I was drifting a little.’

  ‘We must part for ever now.’

  Although she did not love him, she felt a slight constriction in her heart.Toby had treated her with tenderness and respect. She met his eyes and said, ‘I am very sorry I betrayed your trust and hurt you so much. I was - I was quite desperate at the time.’

  He nodded. ‘I do understand. I shall not visit you again. If you decide not to go abroad I shall speak up for you at your trial.’

  ‘Thank you, Toby.’

  ‘Stay here with Harriet until you are strong enough to travel. She will care for you and keep me informed. Jared will be at the pit every day if you need anything.’ As he left the room he half turned and spoke over his shoulder. ‘Do think again about leaving England.’

  But Olivia’s thoughts were elsewhere, with Jared. She knew with certainty now that she did not want to be apart from him. Just seeing him again had told her so. When he had held her in his arms, for those short, sweet moments, he had confirmed what she had known all those years ago. She loved him and she wanted to be with him for ever.

  She wondered if he felt the same. She had thought he did until Toby had interrupted their embrace, and now she fretted about her past behaviour.What would Jared think of her? Would he still want her now that she had lived with Toby as his wife? She could not bear it if he spurned her.

  She had made it so easy for him to reject her. She was a bigamist who would soon be tried and gaoled for her crime. Why should he even speak to her? She almost began to sob, then tried to pull herself together. She could not run away from her life any more, and did not wish to. Her conversation with Toby had given her an idea. She didn’t know if she was brave enough to see it through, but she did not want to be parted from Jared. Or from Mexton Pit. It had been expanded and run on an inheritance that was rightfully hers. But her plan meant confronting Jessup and she wasn’t sure she could do that.Yet she had to. If it meant winning her freedom, she had to.

  Jared, also, tried to persuade her to run away. She was still in bed and regaining her stength quickly when he came to talk about her future. He bowed formally as he entered her chamber. She yearned for him to touch her, to hold and kiss her, but he sat in a chair several feet from the bed.

  ‘I know your marriage to Toby took place in the chapel,’ he argued patiently,‘but it was lawful.The chapel is registered with York and the recorder was there to witness the ceremony.’

  ‘Recorder? What recorder?’

  ‘The lawyer who keeps the register. Jessup.’

  ‘He wasn’t there.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘But did you not sign your names in his book after the ceremony? ’

  ‘There was no book.’

  ‘He should have been there with his register.That is the law now.’

  ‘Well, he was not.’

  ‘How can you be sure?’ Jared persisted.‘Do you know Jessup?’

  She wished she didn’t, but replied, ‘Oh, yes. I know him. No one else was there.’

  ‘I do not think it will make any difference. He probably wrote the record afterwards, and who will argue with him?’

  ‘I will. And Toby said he would. He did not sign any book either.’

  He smiled at her sympathetically. ‘The book is evidence that the ceremony took place. It will be at your trial. You cannot do anything about it, Olivia.’

  There was an uneasy silence.

  ‘I don’t want to go to gaol,’ she said eventually.

  ‘You could live in France. English people have settled there, soldiers and camp-followers who stayed on after Napoleon’s defeat.’

  ‘I won’t go without you, and you cannot leave the pit. It needs you. Mexton folk need you. I shall not run away.’

  ‘But what will you do?’ Jared pleaded.

  Olivia gazed out of the window and wondered.

  Chapter 32

  It was the end of the day, cold, dark and damp. The glow of lamplight in windows was as welcoming as the smell of soup or stew wafting across the street. Jessup’s offices were in a new stone building close to the town centre. The upstairs chamber was used as a courtroom.

  Olivia had been on edge all day. She was frightened of Jessup, but she had to do this. And she could not ask for help. She could not involve her friends in such a risky venture. She had waited until after dinner, until Harriet had gone to have tea with Anna in the farmhouse, before she left.

  Now, her heart thumping, she approached Jessup’s office cautiously, her face hidden by her cloak hood. She stayed in the shadows and watched his clerks leave one by one.Through the window she saw him move from his desk to close the shutters. She slipped inside, giving a saucy wink to the youth who was letting himself out to go home, and turned the key in the lock behind her.

  ‘Who’s there?’ The door to his office opened and a shaft of light fell across the passage.

  ‘Mr Jessup?’ She kept her voice light.‘I must speak with you, sir.’

  ‘W
ho are you? What do you want?’

  ‘May we speak, sir?’

  ‘Where is my clerk?’

  ‘He has just left, sir.’

  He held the door wide open. ‘Come into the light where I can see you.’

  When she saw him she wavered. The memory returned of his brutality and her humiliation, raw and real. She breathed in deeply to quell her fear, and as she did so, her eyes narrowed and her mouth set firm. When faced with difficulties she had always done what she’d had to to get through and now was no different. Somehow, she found the strength to step forward.

  When her hood fell back he was astounded. ‘You? So the rumour is true. You did not leave the Riding.’ His tone was disrespectful and mocking. ‘You know that the constable will be after you before long.’

  ‘That is why I am here.’

  ‘I cannot help you. I represent the law, madam, not the law-breaker. ’

  ‘I am told you keep the register of marriages that take place in the chapel.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘May I see it?’

  ‘Certainly not.’

  ‘But I wish to inspect the entry you made for my marriage,’ she continued firmly,‘and the date when you attended the chapel.’

  ‘That won’t help you.You went through the ceremony, which makes you guilty.’

  ‘But you were not present, were you? And you should have been. Where were you? There was a race meeting at Doncaster that day. Were you there with Hesley?’

  ‘And if I was?’

  ‘You will not want the magistrate to know that, will you? If you show me the book I shall know that you were present in the chapel. Otherwise I did not see you there, sir.’

  She smiled sweetly and let her cloak slip from her shoulders. She had chosen her gown carefully. It was the day gown she had worn when she had escaped from Hill Top House and kept for Sunday best. It was made of good cloth. It covered her well with extra lace at the neckline - but it fitted her closely, too, and he noticed.

  ‘Show me the record, and I need not say that to the magistrate, ’ she repeated, undoing the ribbons of her bonnet.

  ‘Why would you not tell him?’

  ‘I have little to gain, whatever the outcome. I prefer to have you as my friend rather than as my enemy.’ She leaned forward and lengthened her neck to show the swell of her breasts. Jessup had been greedy for her body once and she hoped he would remember. ‘You have influence, sir, with the magistrate.’

  He gave a short laugh. ‘You are offering me your body? You were a cold fish last time.’

  ‘It was a shock, sir. I did not know you and was not willing. Not at first . . .’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘But now I am sure I shall be different.’ She pulled at the lace covering the swell of her breasts. It came away in her hand.

  He walked around the desk. ‘Here?’ he asked. ‘Now?’

  She straightened. ‘Show me the book first.’

  He laughed again and went to a cupboard, selected a heavy ledger and laid it open on his desk. ‘There. Recorded, signed and -’ he sneered again ‘- legal.’

  Her signature certainly looked like her own. And Toby’s. She supposed Jessup must have copied them. It would have been easy enough for him to get hold of originals. There were few other entries. Most couples, even chapelgoers, still celebrated their marriage in the parish church where the vicar kept his own register.

  As she examined the damning evidence of her crime, he took hold of her neck and bent to search under her skirts.

  She stepped away from him. ‘A kiss, sir, is all that I meant. I need a little more in return for - for what you want.’

  ‘You are in no position to bargain.’

  ‘There is the matter of your wager with Hesley. It was not the behaviour of a gentleman with responsibility for keeping parish documents.’

  ‘Who will believe an adulteress and bigamist?’

  ‘Does it matter if they don’t? The town matrons will ask questions and I have no reputation to lose.’

  After a short silence he asked, ‘What more do you want?’

  ‘I need your help before the magistrate, sir.’

  ‘You are guilty, madam. You will go to gaol.’

  ‘But you would not wish me to be there for a long time?’

  ‘Why not?’

  She inhaled steadily to slow her hammering heart as she unhooked the fastenings that held her skirt in place and it slipped down over her full petticoats. ‘Tonight will be only the beginning.’ Her hands moved to the buttons on her bodice. ‘So many of these, sir. Will you help me?’

  His fingers fiddled feverishly and she could feel his breath fanning her face.‘You are offering to become my mistress when you are free again?’

  ‘If you will speak to the magistrate on my behalf. Quietly, beforehand.’

  ‘That will not keep you out of gaol.’

  ‘But my stay need not be so long. And when my sentence is over I shall be available for you.’

  Surely he could hear how loudly her heart was beating as he loosened her bodice. She faced him in the lamplight, noticing the darkened gleam in his eyes as he contemplated her body. She wriggled her hips and her overskirt slipped to the floor. ‘Is there . . . somewhere more comfortable?’ she murmured.

  ‘The supper rooms upstairs, where the courts are held.’

  ‘How perfect! During my trial we shall be reminded of the pleasures to come.’ She paused. ‘When I am free.’

  She took a backward glance at the book on his desk, at her cloak, skirt and bodice lying abandoned on the floor. Her mind was in turmoil but she noted that he locked the door after him. She saw also that he needed a key for the upstairs room, which he left in the lock. He had hung his office key on a hook by the door. He carried a lamp up the stairs, went into the chamber and placed it on the large, polished oblong table. There were chairs around the table and couches against the walls.

  ‘Close the shutters,’ she asked, and as he did so, she took her chance.

  Swiftly she retreated, locking the door behind her and retrieving the office key from its hook. She sped downstairs with both keys in her hand. She heard him shout and thump on the door and knew it would not be long before someone else heard him and investigated. In her haste she fumbled with the office lock, losing precious seconds.

  The room was darker than the stairs had been. She focused her eyes as best she could, found her cloak, wrapped it round herself and rammed her bonnet over her hair. Swiftly, she crossed to the desk, closed the book, wrapped it in her bodice, then her overskirt, and fled out of the building, locking the front door behind her and clasping three heavy keys in her hand.

  Jessup had already opened the shutters and was wrenching at the windows. She ran for the shadows of an alley and melted into a doorway to pull on her skirt and bodice, leaving many buttons unfastened. Quickly she made her way to the canal and, with all her strength, flung in the keys and the book. The keys plopped and disappeared quickly.The book gave a satisfying slap as it hit the water, causing ripples to spread around it.

  She panicked as it seemed to float, but, slowly, it sank beneath the oily black surface. She felt a pang of guilt for those couples whose entries she had destroyed. But she was desperate and hoped they would forgive her. Without the book how could anyone prove there had been a marriage? There had been no other witnesses. No one, she hoped, who would speak against her in favour of Jessup.

  There was no evidence for a trial.

  Chapter 33

  ‘What were you thinking? Taking Toby’s trap into town on your own!’

  Livvy was sitting by the fire, reading a news-sheet that Anna had brought. She called regularly, returning Harriet’s visits to the farmhouse. Livvy did not join them there. She respected Toby’s wish not to see her again and welcomed this time to herself, to read and to think. And, on this occasion, to go into town.

  She had fretted all the way back to Mexton about the repercussions of her visit to Jessup’s office. Perhaps she had made the situation
worse for herself. But word was out in the town about Hesley’s state of mind and of how Jessup had neglected his affairs while he was supposedly looking after them. She guessed he had a reputation to salvage.

  Jared came to see her on his way home from the pit. He called when he was able to get away early enough, bringing her small luxuries. A book, a piece of lace or a length of ribbon and, once, a tiny porcelain pot of the lightest salve she had ever used. He said it came from London and Adam Harvey had recommended it for ladies’ complexions in the colder months. He was waiting anxiously when she got back from town and came outside with a lantern to take the horse.

  ‘Toby said I might use his pony and trap when I was well again,’ she replied. ‘He brought it over himself.’

  ‘You have spoken with him?’

  ‘No. He did not come into the house.’

  ‘I was worried about you, Livvy. It is well past dark.’

  ‘It is not late. Night falls early at this time of year.’

  ‘All the more reason for you to make haste.’

  ‘I am home and safe now, am I not?’

  ‘Where is Harriet? She should have gone with you.’

  ‘She’s at the old farmhouse with Anna and Toby. She visits them often and helps them in the mission.’ She paused. ‘As I used to.’

  Jared handed her the lantern and she watched him secure the horse beside his own. She didn’t want him to be angry with her. She wanted him to take her in his arms. But since Toby had returned and uncovered her disgrace, Jared had seemed distant. She hoped he would not start giving her orders, as Hesley had done. When she handed back the lantern and he had helped her down, he said, ‘I’ll return the pony and trap for you.’

  ‘There is no need. Toby will walk back with Harriet and collect it.’

  ‘He is a good man, Livvy.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You used him badly.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Will you not think again about leaving the country? I could arrange to go with you. Until you are settled.’

  She would have liked that more than anything in the world. But she shook her head and said, ‘You’re needed at Mexton Pit.’