Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You
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1 Impassioned Monologue Nate Delivers After He (in More or Less a Single Motion) Soaks His Face and Hair, Twists off the Couch, Falls onto the Floor, Bounces Back up, and Jumps onto the Middle of the Couch, Where He Now Stands with Arms Outstretched and Toes Hanging over the Front Edge
1. “Here’s the thing about diving,” he says, “the greatest thing about diving: You can’t think about it. Not really. Because of gravity. Which won’t let you. You can think about it before the dive. You can. You have to. But once you get on the board, that’s what I figured out. I remember, at the New Trier meet, I was like, either this is going to happen or it’s not. Either I’m going to nail this fucker or I’m not. The one-and-a-half with a twist. Remember that, D? I kept fucking it up, because I thought I needed to remember, to remember to do the twist. The one-and-a-half I had down. And so there’d be that moment in the dive, happened at ETHS and Highland Park, when I’d be like, Now! Twist now! But then I’d fuck the whole thing up. Because you can’t think it, you’ve got to just do it. And then I was like, Holy shit. I was like, Eureka, bitches!
“Because I got it, I finally got it. Don’t think it, just do it. But it wasn’t even that simple, because then I got more than that too, because even after I got it, I fucking un-got it. Un-fucking-got it. Because two weeks later, where was it, at Glenbrook South, I blew it again, not because I was thinking about it, or not because I wanted to think about it, but because I got scared and my brain, my brain, thought about it. It said, ‘Don’t be scared, just remember what you need to do.’ And I was like, ‘No, you—you brain.’
“Because, whatever, forget my brain, because that meant it wasn’t just a problem of thinking or not thinking, it was also a matter of being scared. Or that thinking and being scared are kind of the same thing, when you think about it. You know? Damn, I should write that down. That was the heart of the whole thing. Because I knew what I needed to do. I knew. I knew way more than whether I might remember, you know? But diving is scary; it is. You jump up, you twist and flip and spin around and give yourself about twenty chances to fuck yourself up pretty good. Way safer just to sit in the stands and watch. You might do a belly flop. Hell, you might crack your head open on the board.
“Greg Louganis—a gay man, by the way, super gay dude—Greg Louganis, one of the best divers that ever lived, he whacked his head on the board at the Olympics. The Olympics! It’s a real and present danger. But what are you going to do? Either you’re going to jump or you’re not. And if you’re going to jump, then just jump. Jump and get out of the way, you know? Get out of your own way.
“Man, I should have dived more high. I would have been unstoppable. Could have gone downstate. Still, whatever, all-conference. Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet.
“Hey, what do you guys want to do for dinner?”
7 Suggestions Floated for Dinner and the Reasons the First Six Were Shot Down
1. China Palace (Nate)—That place is nasty (Kyle). No, it’s not (Nate). Whatever, we can do better (Kyle).
2. Sluggo’s Sliders (Kyle)—Darren is a vegetarian (Nate).
3. Ichiban (Nate)—I’m sick of sushi (Kyle).
4. Namaste (Nate)—Just because Darren’s a veggie doesn’t mean dinner has to suck balls. Sorry, Zoey (Kyle).
5. Campus Pizza (Kyle)—Yeah (Darren). Cool, but let’s go out (Nate). Yeah (Darren). Why, man? They deliver (Kyle). I don’t know, Darren and Zoey are here, what’s the point of staying in all night (Nate)? Yeah (Darren). Because I’m lazy (Kyle)? C’mon (Nate). And look, it cleared up (Nate). It is pretty nice out (Darren). We’re going to go out later, let’s just hang here for now (Kyle). No, screw that, I don’t really feel like pizza anyway (Nate). Pizza sucks (Zoey). Yeah (Darren).
6. El Jefe (Nate)—Seriously (Kyle)? What (Nate)? We have two guests, including a lady, and you’re going to eat Mexican (Kyle)? Oh, you’re an asshole, man (Nate). You’ll thank me later, dude, or at least these two will (Kyle).
7. Abu Adam (Nate)
3 Interjections Made by Kyle during Nate’s Impassioned Monologue, the First after “Eureka, Bitches!” the Second after “No, You—You Brain,” and the Last after “Get Out of Your Own Way”
1. Eureka in the house!
2. College is for thinking.
3. That’s a metaphor.
11 Miracles Darren Wishes His Mom Could Perform While Speaking to Him on the Phone (Even Though She Called Nate, Who Immediately Tossed His Phone to Darren Like the Thing Was About to Explode)
1. Make dinner (spaghetti and red sauce, broccoli, and ice cream for dessert) appear.
2. Make two pairs of underwear, two pairs of socks, his Gap jeans, a couple of T-shirts (including the Paris one), and maybe another hoodie appear.
3. Get Zoey some clothes too. Whatever she wants.
4. Let him know how much he should be worried about Nate, if at all.
5. Give him just a general preview of any drastic steps that might be taken once Darren gets back home, a preview that makes it clear that there won’t actually be any truly drastic steps.
6. Make Zoey want to kiss him. And drive him to school every morning. And quit smoking. And talk more like she did outside before that SUV showed up, because she has said exactly two words since they came back inside.
7. Promise him that if he gets drunk and/or high this weekend (which he probably will, he just has this feeling), it will be fine.
8. Make it so Darren and his dad already went to all the therapy sessions his dad is going to want him to go to with him to talk about being gay and whatever else.
9. Keep the sky clear like this for the rest of his visit.
10. Make Nate realize he should cut his hair, or at least shave. And study more, if he’s not studying enough.
11. Promise Darren another five or six miracles at least, because there’s definitely more stuff he wants, but it’s hard to think of what they are when he’s talking to her and trying to make sure she’s not too worried or suspicious, which is pretty much impossible, even though she kind of sounds resigned to the whole situation and is probably relieved that Darren isn’t talking the way a giant stoner would.
4 Different Things Darren Sort of Feels Like He Is with Regard to Nate and Zoey
1. THE LITTLE RED RIBBON TIED AROUND THE MIDDLE OF THE ROPE DURING A TUG-OF-WAR
There’s an old wooden chair over by the window that Zoey’s sitting in, which is pretty far away from the couch, where Nate and Kyle are hanging out. There’s maybe enough space on the couch for Darren, but he winds up just standing in the middle of the room, about halfway in between everyone, hoping someone will help him figure out what to do next.
2. AN INTERPRETER
“Darren,” Nate nearly moans from the couch, “will you ask Lady Z questions?”
“What?” Darren asks, rather annoyed. “What are you talking about?”
“You know,” Nate says, nearly giggling. “Questions, about stuff.”
Zoey is looking at a book, either choosing not to acknowledge what’s going on or having suddenly lost her sense of hearing.
“Uh,” Darren says, “why don’t you ask her yourself?”
“Because you’re her bud, man. You speak like fluent Zoey-ese, right?”
“Zoey-ese,” Kyle adds, which is weird, because Darren was sure he was asleep.
“Zoey,” Darren says, trying to sound friendly, “you speak English, right?”
Zoey looks up from her book, her brow a little wrinkled. With his hands and arms, Darren tries to apologize. Or maybe he just begs. She goes back to the book.
3. WHATEVER THAT THING IS THAT’S ACTUALLY BETWEEN THE ROCK AND THE HARD PLACE
“Darren, man,” Nate says, “tell Lady Z that she’s kind of rude.”
“Shut up,” Darren says.
“What? I’m just trying to make small talk with her.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Lady Z,” Nate sings. “What is your secret?”
Zoey looks up from the book and does not appear
pleased. Darren uses his hands, arms, shoulders, and face to communicate something along the lines of, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do either.
Zoey puts the book down, walks to the bathroom, and shuts the door. She doesn’t slam it, but she doesn’t not slam it either.
“I forgot to put the seat down, Lady Z, sorry!” Nate says.
“Dude,” Darren says, and walks over to Nate. “You gotta stop it, seriously.”
4. A NEGOTIATOR
“Hey,” Nate says, more or less ignoring Darren. “How about a little Rock Band?” Nate nudges Kyle in the ribs with his foot. Kyle groans. “Kylie Boy, how about a little Rock Band?”
Kyle sits up.
Darren doesn’t say anything, just looks at Nate and waits for an explanation.
“You know,” Nate says, “maybe she’s one of those ‘I sing because I can’t talk’ type ladies.”
“Maybe she’d talk if you weren’t one of those ‘I’m a giant douche bag’ type guys.”
“Go ask her what she wants to sing,” Nate says.
“She’s in the bathroom.”
“So go ask.”
Darren walks over to the door. “Zoey. Zoey. Hey. What do you want to sing on Rock Band?” No response, shocking. “Zoey, c’mon, come out.” Darren turns back to the couch, which is now empty, since Nate and Kyle are getting ready to rock.
3 Plastic Instruments Nate, Kyle, and Darren Play While Intermittently Trying to Convince Zoey, Who Came Out during Their Second Song (“Manic Depression,” Jimi Hendrix), to Sing with Them
1. Guitar (Nate)
2. Drums (Kyle)
3. Bass (Darren)
4 Remarkable Events That Occur Before They’re Done with Rock Band
1. Zoey actually agrees to sing. She doesn’t announce this, she just gets up off the couch and picks up the microphone. The guys laugh and holler like this is some kind of huge victory.
2. They actually find a song she’s willing to sing. Which takes a long time, because Zoey says, “Whatever,” in response to the first eleven suggestions they make. At which point they just toss the little catalogue/booklet thing at her so she can decide.
“ ‘Precious’?” Nate asks when she shows him. “What the hell is that?”
“The Pretenders,” Zoey says quietly.
“Don’t know it,” Kyle says.
Zoey looks at Darren, who asks, “Is it hard?” Zoey shakes her head no. Darren says, “YouTube.”
Everyone goes to Nate’s room to watch it on his computer, which has all these ridiculous stickers all over it. The guys nod their heads and every once in a while check out Zoey, who may be mouthing the words and almost smiling.
They listen to it a second time and then go back to the game.
3. Zoey actually sings. At first she holds back, but then it’s like she starts forgetting to hold back, to the point that Darren realizes that she’s heard this song at least one hundred times, and if he hadn’t been in her car before she probably would have been singing some of those other songs, and definitely not holding back. He wonders if this somehow has something to do with why she’s such a fantastic driver.
4. Zoey goes a little nuts at the end. More than a little nuts, actually. Because near the end of the song there’s this “fuck off ” in the lyrics (which the Rock Band people didn’t even include in their version), but that Zoey definitely includes. Then she includes it more than once. And in this way, that involves her kind of ignoring the fact that everyone else is still playing the song. The next thing Darren knows, she’s just screaming. It’s maybe a little bit the kind of screaming that singers scream in certain kinds of punk or heavy metal songs, but honestly, it’s pretty much just her screaming.
Darren stops playing and watches her as she keeps screaming. There isn’t all that much to see, because she’s got her back to him and the rest of the band. But she’s definitely still screaming. She’s not screaming any words, and she’s not shrieking, either, the way you might expect a girl to if you told her to scream. She’s just screaming, really throaty, and like she means whatever it is she’s screaming. Eventually Kyle and Nate stop playing, but she keeps going for another few seconds, which feels like a very long time under the circumstances. Darren feels really bad for her throat.
Then she stops. And turns to them. And throws the mic at Nate. She doesn’t hurl it at him, but she definitely doesn’t toss it at him either. Then she goes back to the bathroom.
“Cool tune,” Kyle says after she closes the door.
“Damn,” Nate says. “Lady Z can bring it.”
“No lie,” Kyle says.
A few minutes later Zoey comes out of the bathroom. Darren is unable to find any trace of what just happened on her face, including in her eyes, even though she looks at him and must know that he’s looking for some sign from her that all that just happened.
Darren walks over to her and says, “Hey.”
Zoey stares right at Darren for a few seconds, like she’s trying to decide if she should punish him or something, but instead she says, “Your brother.”
“I know, but he’s all right, you’ll see, it’s just that—”
Zoey takes a step closer and whispers in Darren’s ear, “He doesn’t have a mark.”
7 Arrangements Darren, Nate, Zoey, and Kyle Form during Their Nine-Block Walk to Abu Adam
1. Kyle, Nate, Darren, Zoey
2. Kyle, Nate/Darren, Zoey
3. Kyle, Darren, Nate/Zoey
4. Kyle, Nate/Zoey/Darren
5. Kyle/Nate, Zoey/Darren
6. Nate, Kyle, Zoey/Darren
7. Nate, Kyle, Darren, Zoey
4 Highly Valuable Possessions Darren Would Be Willing to Give Up So That They’d Be Heading to Hill Auditorium, Where Their Band (the Planets) Would Be Scheduled to Play a Sold-out Show, with Kyle on Drums, Nate on Guitar, Zoey on Vocals, and Darren on Bass
1. His good name
2. His left nut
3. His actual bass
4. The approximately $3,800 still remaining in his bar mitzvah account
30 Questions Darren Would Like Nate to Answer for Him If They Were Different Kinds of Brothers in a Different Kind of Situation
1. What do you think of Zoey?
2. Is smoking cigarettes that bad?
3. Is smoking cigarettes better or worse than smoking pot?
4. Should I smoke with you later?
5. Will I?
6. And what about drinking?
7. Are you going to be high all day tomorrow?
8. Are you high most of the time now?
9. You aren’t getting such good grades, are you?
10. Should I go here (if I get in)?
11. Do you think I’d get in?
12. If I don’t get in here, where should I go?
13. Wisconsin?
14. Did you know Dad was gay?
15. What do you think about Dad being gay?
16. Do you ever think you’re gay?
17. Do you ever think I’m gay?
18. If I were gay, would I definitely know it by now?
19. Is Dad being gay going to be a huge deal forever from now on?
20. Is that why Mom is the way she is these days?
21. How would you explain the way Mom is these days?
22. Do you remember that Mom and Dad are divorced or do you sort of forget about it most of the time you’re up here?
23. Do you think about the fact that I have two beds and two dressers and two rooms and two places to remind me that Mom and Dad are divorced?
24. Why did Maggie Block do that to me this morning?
25. Do you think Zoey’s parents have any idea where she is?
26. What do you think about all her piercings?
27. Are you happy?
28. Will I ever be?
29. Will you make sure the rest of this visit is fun?
30. Are things always going to be this way?
4 Dinners Ordered at Abu Adam While Darren Starts Getting This We
ird Feeling Like the Evening Is Getting Away from Him, Something That Is Not Helped by His Dad Deciding to Text Him, Even If It Is Just to Say, Hope Everything Is Okay up There. I’m Sure You’re Busy, but Let’s Try to Find Some Time to Talk Tomorrow. Love Ya.
1. Falafel sandwich with hummus and extra tahini, cherry Coke
2. Chicken shawarma sandwich, cherry Coke
3. Falafel sandwich with hummus, cherry Coke
4. Falafel sandwich with hummus, no tomato, cherry Coke
8 Words Zoey Says during the Next Ninety Minutes
1. Yeah
2. Okay
3. Eleventh
4. It’s
5. Okay
6. No
7. Maybe
8. Whatever
10 Relatively Unboring Five-Minute Stretches from the Three Different Mostly Super-Boring Parties the Four of Them Attend
1. 9:48–9:53 p.m.
They get to the first party, which is being held in a reddish-brownish house not that far from Abu Adam. The person who opens the door (Trevor?) smiles warmly when he sees them, plus he walks like a marionette while going back into the party. Inside there are only eight or nine other people, just sitting on couches, except for a guy who’s teaching another guy how to juggle. Some indie rock song Darren doesn’t recognize is playing not too loudly, plus there’s a big plate of undercooked brownies on a really beat-up coffee table in the middle of the room. When Darren is introduced to the guy (Vin or Von) teaching the other guy (Cooper) how to juggle, Vin or Von catches all three beanbags, smiles a lot with half his mouth, raises his eyebrows, and says, “Wow, Nate Jacobs’s little brother,” as if meeting Darren is the most important thing that’s happened to him all day.
2. 10:00–10:05 p.m.
The guy (Cooper) who was learning how to juggle (but wasn’t getting any better and didn’t really seem to be paying attention to Vin or Von) gives up, goes to the kitchen, and comes back with a few cans of beer, which he places on the table not far from the brownies. Nate picks up two and throws one to Darren. Darren catches the can, opens it, and takes a sip. It’s really nasty. Just kind of bitter, and maybe spicy, too. He tries hard not to register this on his face, but if Nate’s silently laughing expression is any clue, he didn’t do a good job hiding his disgust. Still, he forces himself to take another half-dozen sips before giving up, which Zoey seems to notice, looking at him over her own can while taking a sip herself.