Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You
Page 21
1. Lights the candles
2. Places her hands over her eyes
3. Just stands there like that for maybe six seconds
4. Inhales deeply
5. Holds her breath
6. Exhales rather dramatically
7. Inhales deeply
8. Holds her breath
9. Exhales even more dramatically
10. Removes her hands
11. Smiles in a way Darren still doesn’t understand
1 Person Darren Realizes Would Maybe Appreciate This Moment More Than Anyone, with the Candles Flickering and His Mom Standing There, Breathing Slowly, and Rachel Being Attentive and Respectful and Maybe Even Grateful, but Somehow in a Way That Isn’t Obsequious at All, and Even Nate Looking Off to the Side Pensively, Like the Whole Damn Picture of the Four of Them Is God’s Advertisement for Shabbat or Something
1. His dad
4 People Apparently About to Participate in His Mom’s Little Pre-Meal Activity, Which Involves Answering the Question “What’s One Good Thing—and It Can’t Have Anything to Do with School or Work—That Happened to You This Week?”
1. His mom
2. Nate
3. Darren
4. Rachel
2 Participants Who Get to Go Before a Nice Little Argument Leads to His Mom Saying, “Forget It. I Try to Do Something Nice, Something Special, and This Is What I Get. Great.”
1. HIS MOM
“Fine, I’ll go,” she says. “Hmm. I had a good week. Not great, but it was good. What to choose from? Had a nice coffee with Karen yesterday. No. Had a great talk with the new project manager at—”
“You said it can’t have anything to do with work,” Darren says.
“You caught me. I’m so awful. Okay. Hmm. All right, I know. You’re going to laugh, or roll your eyes, you two. But so what? I met my son’s friend Rachel. Who I didn’t even—never mind. I met her, and well, you’ll understand this when you’re older, I was so relieved. No, that’s not strong enough. I was so grateful, yes, grateful, at what wonderful taste he has in people. No, I mean it. Why are you covering your face, Darren? Do you guys remember, I’m sorry, Nate, but do you remember when Nate brought, what was his name, Ricky Dubrowski?”
“Rich, Mom,” Nate says. “Rich Dubrowski.”
“Ugh! I’m sorry, but ugh. I got so worried about you, Nate, when you brought him home. Of course, I can say that now, since that was the last time you did that.”
“He was kind of douchey,” Darren says.
“Whatever,” Nate says.
“But so, it’s just nice to meet you, Rachel. And have you as our guest.”
“Thank you,” Rachel says. “Thank you very much.”
2. NATE
“Well,” Nate says. “That was lovely and extremely embarrassing for around fifty to seventy-five percent of the table. So, my turn. Okay? Excellent. The best thing that happened to me this week is my mom reminding me I’m not in school, nor do I have a job, just before serving me a lovely Sabbath meal.”
“Nate,” she says.
“It’s such a special time of week, when we take a break from all the zaniness of our many important academic and professional obligations.”
“Nate.”
“It feels so good to have someone remind you, as part of her new-and-improved observance of the Sabbath—”
“Nate!”
“Dude,” Darren says. “C’mon, cut it out.”
“Fine,” Nate says, tearing off some challah. “I got tickets to see Wilco next month. D, you should come with. Their guitarist is insane.”
5 Things Nate Offers Darren after Dinner up in Nate’s Room While Rachel Helps Their Mom down in the Kitchen
1. MARIJUANA
Nate pulls open his underwear drawer and takes out an Altoids tin.
“You want some weed?” Nate asks.
“No, man,” Darren says. “That’s cool. I don’t think she smokes. Plus my cold and everything.”
Nate doesn’t put the tin away. Instead he begins to prepare a bowl for himself, which, Darren assumes, he will smoke somewhere else sometime this evening.
2. ADVICE
Without looking up, Nate says, “I would like to strongly encourage you to . . .”
“To what?” Darren asks, leaning his head out the door, as if it’s his job to make sure Nate doesn’t get busted.
“To take advantage of the present situation.”
“What does that mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Nate stops what he’s doing and says the next three words with slow emphasis, “You enormous moron.”
“What?”
“What do you mean, what? Rachel. You. Empty house.”
“What?” Darren approaches his brother. “What? So you want me to have sex with her or something?”
3. PROTECTION
“That’s one option, and I have the necessary protection in this drawer right here if that’s the path you choose.”
“I’m not going to have sex with her.”
“And why not?”
“Because.”
“Because. Excellent reason.”
“I’m serious.”
“Okay, okay. I’m just saying, do not let this evening pass you by. She is, as far as I can tell, ready and willing.”
“Whatever.” Darren plops down on Nate’s bed, a position that still affords him a decent view of the hallway.
Nate is nearing the end of his preparations. “And do not let thoughts of you-know-who stand in the way.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re not dumb and she’s not your girlfriend and she’s not here and Rachel is and I can’t even believe I have to explain any of this to you.”
“And what if I like Zoey more than her?” Darren whispers loudly. “Then what?”
“Do you dislike Rachel?” Nate asks as he puts away the tin. After closing the drawer, he rolls his chair over to Darren. “Is she unfriendly? Unkind? Unattractive? Uninterested? Unworthy? Un-ready to roll?”
Darren doesn’t say anything.
4. A SCENARIO TO CONSIDER
“Worst-case scenario: You seize—no, wrong word—you welcome this opportunity with open arms, but you don’t enjoy yourself. Then, at least, you know. But you do not, under any circumstances, let this just pass by watching some lame On-Demand movie.”
“What, so I should just like use her or something?”
“Use her?” Nate buries his head in his hands. It may be a bit theatrical, but only a bit. “How would that be using her?”
Darren stands up. Checks the hallway. “Because I’m just doing stuff with her to do it?”
“D, she wants you to do it. It’s like leasing with an option to buy.”
“What the hell does that even mean?” Darren starts heading back toward the kitchen.
5. AN IDEA THAT MAY LEAD TO A BRIGHT MUSICAL FUTURE
“Hold on,” Nate says.
“Huh?”
“You should get her to move here.”
“Move here?”
“I mean, I know it’s not happening, but we sounded good together. Am I right?”
“Yeah.” Darren continues down the hallway.
“Her keyboards. Not to mention a female voice.” Nate catches up to Darren. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. The three of us, if I could find us a half-decent drummer, we’d get gigs no problem. But screw it, because regardless, we’re going to have a band soon. I’ve been thinking about it. We’re pretty good already, me and you, and with the right drummer, I mean, think about it.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve been writing some songs—”
“You have?” They’re on the stairs.
“I have. They’re not ready yet, but they will be soon. And they’re good. I mean, you and Mom might think I don’t have a plan—”
“What are—?”
“But I figure we can get some weekend gigs, and then I can do something stupid part time, plus I met this guy
last week, at Trey’s, said they’re looking for someone to do music reviews over at The Reader. Doesn’t pay much, but it’ll add up. College is bullshit anyway. In like twenty years, practically no one’s gonna be going. Total rip-off.”
2 People Who Are Gone within Thirty Minutes
1. Nate
2. His mom
5 Conclusions Darren Quickly Draws After Rachel, without Warning, Kisses His Eyes When They’re Downstairs on the Couch
1. It’s not particularly sexy.
2. But it’s sort of mind-bogglingly kind.
3. No, it’s loving—nurturing, even.
4. Something on her face says, I want to care for you.
5. She’s kind of amazing if you stop and think about it.
6 Articles of Clothing Darren and Rachel Quickly Put Back On at 8:47 p.m., Right After Darren Says, “Crap, I Think My Dad Is Out Front,” but Before Hurrying Upstairs, Because They Were Watching a Lame On-Demand Movie in the Basement, at Least Officially They Were, but Then Someone Started Texting Darren, Who Ignored the First Couple Texts, for Obvious Reasons, but Then by the Third Sort of Had to Check
1. Darren’s pants
2. Darren’s hoodie
3. Rachel’s bra
4. Rachel’s sweater
5. Rachel’s pants
6. Darren’s socks
3 Text Messages from His Dad That Darren’s Phone Received between 8:18 and 8:46 p.m.
1. You home? Hoping to bring something by for you soon.
2. On my way. If you’re not there I’ll just leave it by front door.
3. I’m here. You watching TV downstairs?
2 Incomplete and Likely Misleading Introductions Darren and His Dad Make for Each Other
1. DARREN’S INTRODUCTION OF RACHEL TO HIS DAD
Darren’s hand is on the front doorknob before he realizes that within about three seconds his dad will maybe somehow know what Darren was recently up to, and that’s even if Rachel stays out of sight, which he’s pretty sure he told her to do when they were rushing up the stairs, but maybe he only whispered it, who knows why.
“Hello,” his dad (wearing a gray sport coat and peach-colored button-down) says after Darren opens the door.
“Hey,” Darren says, stuffing his hands deep into his pockets, as if that might somehow conceal all the naughtiness he was recently participating in downstairs.
“How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“Did you take something?”
Darren nods. “Yeah. Mom gave me some pills.”
“Good. That’s good,” his dad says, and then raises a brown paper bag he must have been holding all along. “I made you some soup.”
“Thanks.” Darren takes the bag.
“My destined-to-be-FDA-approved chickenless chicken soup.” His dad smiles.
“Cool,” Darren says, hoping to say good-bye already. Only, his dad clearly notices something, or someone, over Darren’s right shoulder.
“Hi,” Rachel says, still a good distance away.
“Hello,” his dad says, his smile now amused and curious.
Darren does nothing for maybe two seconds, hoping that somehow none of this just happened. Only here’s Rachel, cheeks still blotchy and dyed-black hair all bent in the back, standing right next to Darren.
“Hi, I’m Rachel,” she says very clearly. She actually extends her right hand to his dad, as if the thing hadn’t been literally wrapped around Darren’s pecker less than two hundred seconds earlier.
“Nice to meet you. Howard,” his dad says. “Darren’s father.”
“I’m a friend of Darren’s,” Rachel says. “From camp.”
“Oh,” his dad says, as in, Isn’t that nice?
“Yeah,” Darren begins to catch up, “from Minneapolis. Only her, this other friend of hers, Krista, got sick, so she’s—”
“Darren offered to put me up for the night,” Rachel says, laughing.
His dad laughs. “Sounds great.” Then he steals a glance at Darren, who, maybe because he was trying to be anywhere but this doorway, just noticed that the car idling in front of the house is not his dad’s. The light isn’t great out there, but someone’s sitting in the driver’s seat. A guy with a beard. In a sport coat himself.
2. HIS DAD’S INTRODUCTION OF RAY TO DARREN AND MAYBE RACHEL
His dad notices Darren noticing, so he turns around a bit to look at the car himself.
“Ray,” he says to Darren. “A friend.” Darren maybe lowers his eyebrows a bit or tilts his head, because his dad repeats himself. “Just a friend.” Darren’s eyes dart over to Rachel, who is still wearing the warm expression of a moment earlier, though it now appears a bit frozen and so seems warped as well.
“All right,” Darren says, for whatever reason.
“Well, you two have fun,” his dad says, and begins walking away. Then he stops and turns around, his face undecided about something. Darren takes a couple of steps toward him, feeling some blunt urge to get his dad to say whatever it is he may be thinking about saying. Only his dad just tips his head up at the mailbox affixed to the house’s outer wall instead. “You forgot to bring in the mail.”
“Oh,” Darren says, turning around and grabbing it.
“Bye!” Rachel calls out.
“Nice to meet you,” his dad says.
When his dad opens the car door, Darren gets a better look at the driver. Definitely has a beard and glasses. Seems younger than his dad, though it’s hard to be sure. They don’t touch, but the car sits there for another five or ten seconds before driving off. His dad had Ray drive here, whoever the hell Ray is; his dad had him drive to the house he used to live in, and now he’s telling this bearded guy about Darren, and maybe Rachel, too, and whatever it is he thought they were doing before he came by to deliver his fucking soup.
7 Questions Not Exactly Answered
1. “How long have your parents been divorced?”
“My dad’s gay.”
2. “He is?”
“. . .”
3. “Darren, are you serious?”
“I think that might have been his boyfriend or something.”
4. “Are you okay?”
“I think my dad has a boyfriend.”
5. “When did you find out?”
“I think he did that on purpose, have that guy bring him over. So I’d see.”
6. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“He does that kind of weird shit.”
7. “What kind of weird shit?”
“I’ll be back in a sec.”
5 Thoughts Darren Has While Peeing in the Upstairs Bathroom
1. Did the driver have glasses? Maybe he didn’t. Definitely had a beard.
2. They were going out. At the least. That guy and his dad. And swinging by your old house to drop off soup for your son is definitely not the kind of stuff you do on a first date. Whether you’re gay or not.
3. Rachel would love to talk to Darren about this. She’d listen like nobody’s business. And then, whether or not their talk helped at all, she’d give him a chance to explore his heterosexuality with her. As reassurance or consolation or diversion. Or all three.
4. If Ray is who Darren thinks he is. If he is. Then what? If he is, if he is, if he is. That’s as far as Darren can get with that thought. No, maybe he can delete the “if.” But then that’s truly it. Beyond that his brain just sort of shuts down. Like some appliance designed not to overheat and explode into flames. If he is, he is. He is if he is.
5. Oh right, the mail. Holding it in his other hand the whole time while he was pissing.
25 Letters Not Written in the Top Left Corner of the Third Envelope Darren Looks At, Which Is Addressed to Him (and Has the Words “Mailed from Belén, New Mexico” Printed over by the Stamp)
1. A
2. B
3. C
4. D
5. E
6. F
7. G
8. H
9. I
11. K
12. L
13. M
14. N
15. O
16. P
17. Q
18. R
19. S
20. T
21. U
22. V
23. W
24. X
25. Y
6 Sections of the “Letter” Darren Reads After Zipping His Pants Up, Washing His Hands, and Pacing Back and Forth in the Bathroom for a Full Minute
1. The date (September 14)
2. An absolutely amazing drawing of two forearms with that design on them, the hands attached to these arms holding each other, their fingers intertwined
3. Right below the drawing, in this cool block font, “Having a mark means you’re super special, but it kind of sucks a little too.” And then below that: —Darren Jacobs
4. The initials ZL in the bottom right-hand corner of the page
5. On the back, the sentence, They asked us to draw a “fond memory.”
6. Under this sentence, Zoey
39 Extremely Urgent Questions Darren Would Like Answered ASAFP
1. Seriously?
2. That’s it?
3. What the hell?
4. What does this mean?
5. Who the hell is “they”?
6. And did her putting “fond memory” in quotes mean that she doesn’t really remember it fondly?
7. And doesn’t she remember that we didn’t even hold hands then?
8. Or ever, actually?
9. Does she think we did?
10. Did we?
11. Why did seeing my name written out by her make me feel like that was the first time I’d ever seen my name in my whole life?
12. How in the world does this get here the day I send her my letter?
13. And the day Rachel is here?
14. Is all this some kind of sign?
15. And if it is, what kind of sign is it?
16. Why didn’t she include a return address?
17. Why didn’t she tell me anything else?
18. Doesn’t she realize this is like a form of torture?