Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You
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4. THE EXPERT SPEAKS
Later on they’ll interview some dude who’s an expert on creative couples. Because there’s an expert for everything. He’ll be talking in front of a huge bookshelf, of course. And he’ll just look crazily smart, with intense eyes and black-framed glasses and probably a beard or something. And it will say his name at the bottom of the screen, along with “author of ” and then the name of some book that will make it clear he’s an (maybe the) expert on the subject. And right away he’ll be talking, excitedly, using his hands like crazy.
“There are, of course, no shortage of famous creative couples, creative pairs,” he’ll say. “Lennon-McCartney is probably the best-known example. But what’s truly remarkable about the Jacobs-Lovell case is, well”—he’ll laugh—“there are a number of remarkable features. One, the two of them worked, have worked, continue to work, and excel, in two fairly distinct fields. Jacobs in music, Lovell in the visual arts. For more than two decades now. Two, they each made truly astronomic leaps at around the same time, in their late teens and early twenties. Three, their work was, in many senses, about the other. Four, even after each was quite famous, they continued working in close proximity to each other, Lovell traveling with Jacobs’s band, Jacobs writing and recording in a studio literally attached to Lovell’s studio. And, most of all, five, they have been a couple, a romantic couple the entire time. And their relationship has survived!” The guy smiles and shakes his head. “There’s truly no precedent for this.”
5. THE HAPPY ENDING
Of course there will be a bunch of other stuff in the middle of the movie. But the best part will be near the very end, after all the history has been shown and all the experts talked to. It’ll be in their house or apartment or whatever, which will be super cool and awesome (because obviously they’ll be totally loaded) but without being too fancy or anything. Funky art on the wall, though probably not Zoey’s stuff. Plus some pretty kick-ass furniture. Maybe they’ll even have a kid or two; yeah, they probably will, but the kids won’t be in the movie.
The point of this scene would seem to be the two of them somehow explaining how they’ve been able to be so creative separately while staying in love at the same time. Like maybe the filmmaker will even ask them point-blank at the beginning of the scene. But neither of them will answer the question at all. They won’t even try, really.
They’ll just be laughing, or giggling, even. Zoey will be really happy by that point. Will have been for years. Not all the time, because how can you be happy all the time, but she’ll smile this great smile of hers a lot, plus she’ll have this amazing laugh that Darren, the sixteen-year-old Darren, still hasn’t heard.
But okay, the point is, they won’t answer the question. Instead, Darren will be playing a ukulele, trying to get Zoey to sing some harmony with him, but she’s pretty bad with harmonies when it comes to singing. Of course, it won’t matter, because the whole point of the scene is just to make it clear that they’re still totally in love. Totally crazy about each other. Everyone else is trying to figure out their secret, but the two of them couldn’t care less. And between their love and them not caring about the rest, it’s sort of like anyone who sees the movie will be super jealous of them but will still like them anyway.
4 Voice Messages Waiting for Darren on His Phone
1. UNCLE CRAIG AND AUNT MARGIE
[“Happy Birthday” sung in some kind of harmony that might be intended to be funny]. Craig: Hi, Darren, we hope you have a sweet, sweet sixteenth, kiddo. We put something in the mail, but it might only get there Monday. Love ya. Eli! Come here and wish your cousin a happy birthday. Is he coming? Yes or no? Okay, well, looks like Eli will call you later. Have a great day. Bye-bye.
2. HIS MOM
Happy birthday, sweetie! I hope you’re having a wonderful, special day so far. I cannot believe you’re sixteen. My God, my baby’s sixteen. Unbelievable. Anyway, I’ll be getting in around noon, I’ll call you then. And I have a special present for you, and it’s not a night at that motel near the Denver Airport, trust me. What a dump! Okay, I love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much. Happy birthday!
3. RACHEL
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Darrr-rren, happy birthday to you. OMG that you’re sixteen. And boo that I’m not there. Or that you’re not here. Completely unfair. So, okay, you won’t believe this, or maybe you will, but I’ve been working on something for you. I better get it done by this afternoon. Just check your e-mail in a few hours. Okay? Okay. Oh, and remind me to tell you about Monica yesterday. Crazy. And check Facebook. Okay, okay, I know I’m rambling. Happy birthday. I miss you!
4. NATE
[Somewhat incoherent message delivered in a few different voices, including (probably): sultry female, generic foreigner, and urban gangster type]. Good morning, Darren Jacobs, you sexy bastard. I’m calling to [unclear] you a happy, happy, happy sixteenth birthday. I’m getting so hot just thinking about what a man you must be today, oh God. And I thinky so many, so many [unclear] hug and kissah your face to tell you I’m loving you, so many! [three to four seconds of unclear noises, definitely not speech, possibly beat-boxing] Because, straight-up mofo, we’s gonna bring it today to celebrate your motherfucking sixteenth, bee-utch! So call me. Love, your brother. I’m out.
4 Text Fragments Delivered in Quick Succession
1. Crazy idea. Any interest in picking me up at airport? Should get in at 12:17. Won’t be too much traffic this time on Saturday. You can just GPS O’Hare from our house. Takes about 30
2. min. United flight 839. OK if you don’t want to. I can take cab. Really. But thought might be fun on your 16th to do some driving. If you got license already. Sure you did. Will pay you $30 plus
3. tip. Seriously. And more time together then. Can take my car or Nate’s. Text me if you can do it. Didn’t check bags, so should be outside bit after 1230. Terminal 1. Just follow signs for
4. arrivals. The Dawg House on way home! Love you very much. Excited to see you. XO.
10 Pros from the Pros and Cons Deliberations over Whether He Should Pick Up His Mom That by around #5 Have Already Overwhelmed the Cons
1. It will make his mom very happy.
2. Thirty dollars plus tip.
3. It’s sunny, so the roads won’t be a problem.
4. She said there won’t be much traffic, either.
5. Plus, highway driving is actually easier overall than city-street driving, assuming you can merge onto it without crashing into another car and dying.
6. He’d be a moron not to take Ray’s car on the highway while he’s got it.
7. If he doesn’t kill himself and/or destroy Ray’s car, it might make him a more confident driver, which he’d really like to be.
8. It’s not like he’s got a lot planned today, other than heading over to the house to see Nate, so it’s something to do.
9. She might even say it makes her proud, something that always embarrasses him when she says it, but he still sort of likes it when she says it.
10. The Dawg House.
4 Recurring Developments in Darren’s Various Fantasies about Zoey (and Him, Too)
1. It becomes much easier for him to picture her talking freely once she gets to around age twenty-five.
2. She removes most of her piercings during college, which isn’t to say he’s sure she’s actually going to college.
3. The older she gets, the happier she gets.
4. And the same with him, now that he thinks about it.
3 Reasons Darren Does Not Turn Right on Red at the Corner of Gross Point and Touhy
1. There’s a sign that says, NO RIGHT TURN ON RED 7 A.M.–7 P.M.
2. Darren doesn’t really like turning right on red even when it’s legal, because if, for some reason, he doesn’t notice a car coming that way, then he’s going to get into an accident that will definitely be his fault (something that would be about three hundred times worse in Ray’s car).
1 Douche Bag Who Clearly Feels Differently about Darren’s Decision Not to Turn Right on Red at the Corner of Gross Point and Touhy
1. The douche bag behind him, who honked quickly once, then waited maybe two seconds, then honked about five more times, with the last one going on for about three seconds. Plus, Darren could see when he looked in the rearview mirror, the guy is super pissed.
3 Forces Nevertheless Allowing Darren to Resist Any Urge to Turn Right on Red at the Corner of Gross Point and Touhy
1. THE LAW
It’s 12:12 p.m., dickwad.
2. THE PROTECTION PROVIDED TO HIM BY RAY’S INFINITI G37
Big, metal. Doors locked.
3. DARREN HIMSELF
He doesn’t like to turn right on red, okay?
9 Transformations to the Scene at the Northwest Corner of Gross Point and Touhy by 12:14 p.m.
1. The light turns green for cars heading Southwest on Gross Point.
2. Darren begins turning right onto Touhy.
3. The car behind Darren drives around Ray’s Infiniti G37 but still turns right (meaning he passes Darren inside the actual intersection).
4. The guy driving that car points at Darren and says extremely unkind things to him very loudly.
5. Darren raises his left hand and the attached middle finger.
6. The car once behind Darren pulls in front of Ray’s Infiniti G37.
7. This car stops suddenly.
8. Darren slams on the brakes just in time.
9. The guy gets out of his car, which is some kind of Chevy, and starts walking toward Darren. The guy does not appear to approve in any way of anything Darren has done since around 12:11 p.m.
8 Physical Characteristics of the Guy Now Standing Just on the Other Side of the Driver’s-Side Door to Ray’s Infiniti G37
1. Five feet six, maybe five feet seven
2. Late twenties or earlier thirties, probably
3. A little heavy, or maybe just really stocky
4. Straight black hair, almost shaved on the side; plenty of hair product
5. Big red cheeks
6. Maybe Latino, could even be Asian, almost certainly not black, probably part white
7. Clean-shaven
8. Wearing a tan button-down shirt and a brown leather bomber jacket with three patches
8 Exclamations, All of Which Darren Can Hear Pretty Clearly Despite His Window Being Up, the Music Playing Kind of Loud, and the Other Cars Driving Past, One of Which Even Honks
1. Fuck you, motherfucker!
2. Flip me off again, c’mon! I fucking dare you!
3. Put your fucking window down, dick!
4. Fuck you!
5. C’mon out, bitch!
6. Learn how to fucking drive!
7. Faggot, in your faggot car!
8. Fuck you!
6 Strategies Darren Assumes in Order to Withstand This Guy’s Onslaught, Which Now Includes Him Banging on the Window and Trying to Open the Door
1. Keep hands at ten and two on the steering wheel.
2. Quickly look to see that the doors are locked, but definitely do not relock them, for fear of accidentally unlocking them.
3. Otherwise just stare straight ahead.
4. Don’t say a word.
5. Wait for the guy to go away.
6. Pray for a cop to drive by.
2 Exclamations Darren Screams at the Back of the Guy’s Chevy Caprice as It Tears Off, Because for Some Reason the Guy Gave Up, but Not Before Telling Darren to Fuck Off One More Time and Punching the Window Kind of Hard (It Didn’t Break, Thank God)
1. It’s my birthday, you dick!
2. You fucking dick-fucker dick!
5 Reappearing Images from Various Nightmare Scenarios That Escort Darren down Touhy Avenue for a Mile
1. The guy yanking open the somehow-unlocked door.
2. The guy grabbing Darren right below the collar and dragging him out of the car in such a way that Darren pretty much falls to the pavement, except for his legs, which are still inside the car.
3. The guy kicking Darren in the chest and calling him a faggot.
4. The guy going absolutely bananas with a crowbar on the trunk and roof of Ray’s car.
5. The guy climbing onto Darren, pinning his arms under his legs like they do on “The Ultimate Fighter,” and then just whaling on Darren.
2 Consequences of Darren’s Inability to Stop Imagining the Nightmare Scenarios
1. He’s not really paying full attention to his driving.
2. He’s definitely not paying any attention to the GPS lady.
4 Mostly Short-Term Commands Darren Tries to Obey from the Side of Touhy Avenue Just West of Dee Road, Where He Has Pulled Over
1. Calm the hell down.
2. Figure out how to get to O’Hare, since he definitely missed a few turns, even though the GPS lady could totally give a shit about the asshole in the Chevy and has already figured out a backup route.
3. Make sense of how it could be that he was driving completely fine even though he wasn’t really paying attention.
4. Call his mom and let her know he’ll be there soon, which he should have done back at Poochie’s, and if he had, then just that little thirty-second delay would have prevented him from crossing paths with the dickface in the Chevy.
8 Factors Possibly Explaining His Mom’s Failure to Notice That Darren’s Voice Sounds Different, Which It Must
1. Her enthusiasm and excitement, because she’s thrilled he’s picking her up and can’t wait to see him.
2. Her insistence on singing him a little snippet of the “Happy Birthday” song, even though he only listens to a couple of lines before saying (annoyed and impatient), “Mom.”
3. It’s pretty noisy on her end of the line.
4. Her dropping the phone at one point.
5. The quality of their phone connection in general, which isn’t great.
6. Her interrupting him to ask, “So, are you up for the Dawg House?”
7. Her just sounding kind of distracted, which isn’t so weird, considering she’s getting off a plane or walking toward baggage claim or going to the bathroom or whatever she’s doing exactly.
8. Him trying to sound normal, and possibly succeeding.
10 Responses Nate Has to Darren’s Story and Subsequent Real-time Freak-out
1. Dude, I cannot believe Ray’s letting you drive his car, that trusting, benevolent homosexual.
2. Never flip someone off when driving, my man, it’s just not worth it.
3. Take a deep breath, birthday boy, it’s all going to be okay.
4. And the faggot thing was pretty uncalled for, considering the situation.
5. That would have been totally killer if you had actually rolled down the window enough to tell him it was your birthday, cause there’s a slight chance it would have made him realize what a huge cock he was being. Because how mean can you be to someone if you know it’s their birthday, you know?
6. Let it all out. It’s okay. Let it all out.
7. Yep, there’s definitely no shortage of tough-guy dicks out there.
8. I bet you would have kicked his ass if it came to that. Because, who knows, maybe God gives you extra-awesome fighting skills each year on your birthday. Would be cool to test that one out in a safe environment.
9. Were you going to invite me to the Dawg House, weenus? Forget it, it’s cool. I agreed to come in to help with the lunch rush and I’m already late. Chuck didn’t show up again, the reject.
10. Exploit the Infiniti for me, okay?
4 Extended Silences in Darren’s Conversation with His Dad, Who Calls Right Before Darren Starts Driving Again
“Hey.”
“So, how are you enjoying the car?”
“Uh, it’s okay.”
“Wonderful. Listen, how would you feel about . . .”
1.
“Huh?”
“I’m supposed to see Dr. Schrier toda
y.”
“And?”
“And I thought perhaps you’d like to join me.”
“Today?”
“Yes, today. At two thirty. I realize it’s not the first thing most people like to do on their birthday, but . . .”
2.
“But what?”
“Your anger, Darren—”
“What?”
“You had an outburst in the car, which I can understand. But an outburst is still an outburst.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to talk about it. That’s all. And today is—”
“No thanks.”
“You sure?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, I understand. But can I count on you to come with me on Tuesday? It’s been a while since we’ve met with Dr. Schrier.”
3.
“Darren?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you hear me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well?”
4.
“Can we talk about this later, Dad?”
“Sure, I suppose it can wait.”
“Cool. Talk to you later.”
2 Alerts Darren’s Phone Now Displays
1. MISSED CALL FROM RACHEL M
2. VOICE MAIL FROM RACHEL M
2 Additional Requests Darren Makes of His Phone Before Hitting the Road Again
1. Please tell me about the weather in Belén, New Mexico. (Okay, it’s forty-eight and sunny.)
2. Please send this message to Ben Zwiren via a certain popular social media site: Well, so what should I do? Because I’ve got to do something. (Message sent. Anything else, sir?)
5 Indications That Darren May Not Be Fully Over the Incident at the Corner of Gross Point and Touhy