by Lacey Silks
A small hand ruffled through my hair. I twisted Mac in my arms and tapped her little nose with my finger.
“How are you doing, Mac?”
She smiled at me and replied in gibberish, then added “Okay,” at the end. It was her new favorite word.
“Your daddy was a hero, you know that? And your uncle’s going to make sure you never forget him.”
It was only a week ago that we’d celebrated Mac’s first birthday. Jo had been looking forward to Nick’s return next month; instead, she received a visit from two police officers carrying a folded American flag.
“Okay.”
Jo was sitting on a chair, completely still. She had no more tears to shed, and despite the glowing tan she’d been sporting last week, today she looked pale and catatonic. Jo hadn’t spoken since she’d collapsed on the living room floor. I hadn’t seen her blink or breathe either, although I was pretty sure that was impossible.
She was dying on the inside, and my heart ached for her, wishing I could ease her anguish. When I looked at her, the pain reflected in her eyes was my own. The distress her body showed resembled mine after Daisy passed. Except we had never had the chance to share a child.
I understood what she was going through. I knew how much she was hurting, and I felt her heartache. I knew what it was like to have no tears left, to feel empty on the inside, lost and without hope. Every single fiber in her body must have felt like it was torn away from bone and ligament. And the worst part was that Nick hadn’t even known that he had this amazing little girl, whose tiny hand rested on my cheek, waiting.
My heart squeezed, and I turned toward her palm, kissing it.
“Dada.” Mac pointed to the casket.
“Yeah, that’s your daddy’s resting place now, Mac. He’s in heaven, looking over you. Always,” I whispered in her ear, and kissed her gently on her cheek, wondering how much she’d miss out in life by not having a father. That hug he’d give her when she learned to ride a bike, all the high fives they’d share after she swung a baseball bat and hit the ball, evenings by the outdoor fireplace counting the falling stars or watching satellites slowly sail across the night sky – they’d never happen. He’d never teach her how to skip stones, either.
Jo and Nick liked to watch the stars and skip stones.
I made a mental note to take Mac to the beach more often, and let go of a heavy breath.
Nick wouldn’t be there to celebrate any of Mac’s milestones, ward off boys with tattoos, and one day walk her as a beautiful bride down the aisle. But then again, there were fathers not worthy of the name, like Molly’s. Fathers who looked at their daughters worse than they’d look at cattle. I’d seen it many times. It was a good thing he was away this summer. I had a feeling if he weren’t, Molly would have never come back to Hope Bay.
She sat beside Jo, holding our friend’s hand. I caught her stealing a glance my way a few times. Her eyes were sad and full of compassion for Jo and her family.
The leaves ruffled above us as Mac slid off me to place a single rose on the casket.
Jo still didn’t move.
Not even when Mac did the unthinkable – knelt near the opening and kissed the wood. She then waved her hand, saying, “Bye, Dada.”
Her first small sentence.
Jo still didn’t move. I wasn’t an expert, but I was beginning to believe that my friend would be lost there for a while.
The mood at the wake wasn’t any better. Jo sat like a mannequin in an arm chair, her hands resting on the sides. I was pretty sure she got up to go to the bathroom once, and then just came back and sat in the same chair.
“This is not good.” Molly came to my side.
“No, it’s not. I’m not sure she’ll be able to get past this.”
“You did.”
“No, I didn’t. Not yet. It gets a little better over time, but you have to learn how to live all over again. You lose all faith, all optimism, all strength, both physical and emotional. You go through phases, and if you’re lucky, each one will be a little easier to cope with. First, you pretend that you didn’t lose the closest person you had in life. Coming back from something like that is not simple. I wouldn’t have been able to do it if it hadn’t been for you. I’ll make it my job to make sure that after a few months, this moment will be in the past, and Jo will begin to realize that she needs to look to the future.”
“Carter, I’m—”
“It’s okay. I mean, she has Mac, right? She’ll be okay with our help.”
The sound of my beating heart drowned out the room. I never thought I’d be at my best friend’s funeral, while my other best friend had her heart ripped out of her chest.
“Yes, she will be.” Molly touched my arm, smoothing her hand over my skin.
“What?”
“We’ll make sure that Jo will survive this. Are… are you okay?”
Was I? I wasn’t sure. Today was difficult, I couldn’t argue with that. My mind was spinning with… everything, especially stupid philosophical quotes. I couldn’t stop thinking that I’d been given a chance to do something more with my life, because I’d been spared. Why me? Was it to help Jo? And then I saw Mac come up to Jo and kiss her on the cheek. That was the moment I knew what I had to do: become a man.
I shook stupidity off.
There was no time for self-pity. I’d survived it once; I could do it again, and I could help that little girl and her mom to get past this.
I was my own man. I would make my own decisions.
“I think I’m ready to work at the firehouse.”
“Where’s this coming from?”
“I need to use this life better – like you, Molly. I want to help people, and putting out fires is the only thing I really know how to do.”
“It’s not the only thing. You fix cars, and you’re good with Mac and animals. Definitely don’t take up bull riding, though. That’s not your forte.”
I chuckled, and for the first time since hearing about Nick’s passing, I felt a glimmer of light escape from my lips.
“I’ll keep that in mind. What about you? Do you think a change is coming in your life?”
“I hope not. Things are good now. I think I’m the happiest I’d ever been, so I’m not sure I want too much change right now. I need to stay focused on my studies.”
“What about a small change, like going out to dinner with me? After all, I won that bet on the bull.”
“I remember. Given the mood in town, would you settle for something quiet?”
“Sure. What did you have in mind?”
“How about I cook for us? Your place,” she said.
What? She was asking to come over to my house?
“No way.”
“What?”
“Sorry, that didn’t come out right. I meant to say, how about we cook for us?”
Her cheeks flushed a sexy pink, and her freckles became more prominent. When I looked at her, life made so much more sense.
“Is tomorrow too soon?” I asked.
“That sounds perfect. I’m going to talk to Jo now, although honestly, I’m not too sure what else to say.”
“I think we’re all doing everything we can. She’ll get through this, I know she will. She has to, for Mac.”
As soon as Molly left, I felt hollow in my chest.
Just then, my father rushed out of the kitchen. His gaze flew my way, and I froze. I recognized the flaming FIRE look in his eyes and crossed the room toward him, whispering to Molly on my way, “There’s a fire. I’m going in to help.”
“Oh my God. I’ll head out to the clinic to see if Doctor Burke needs help,” she said.
I nodded and shot out the door, following my father and a few other firefighters. Every minute that passed counted. I jumped into my father’s old car and turned the ignition. The engine coughed like an old hack but didn’t disappoint. In the distance, smoke was rising up over the horizon, and a skin-crawling sensation passed through me.
The blaze from an old
abandoned barn was shooting flames up to the sky. The firefighters on duty must have arrived moments before us because they were rolling out fire hoses.
“What can I do to help?” I asked my father.
“The grass is dry at the back. Start digging a trench. We don’t want the fire to spread.”
I grabbed a spare shovel and ran around the barn to the back. Heat radiated toward me as I pushed the spade into the ground. Flames rose from the rooftop just as the hose was turned on at the front. A couple of men joined me at the back, and we made quick progress. I moved closer to the woods. Sweat was pouring down my back, and by the time I reached the edge of the forest, the flames were beginning to lower as well. I set the spade aside and noticed a red canister thrown away in the bushes.
“Shit.”
The smell of gas filled the air. It didn’t take me long to realize that someone had lit the barn on purpose. I followed a trail of freshly used tissues and ventured further into the woods until I heard a shuffle.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” I called out, and received a small sniffle in return. “Molly?”
She pulled her hand underneath her nose. Her eyes were swollen, and she looked like she’d been crying. I ran up to her and took her into my arms. “Molly, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to the clinic. What’s the matter?”
I took her hands and lifted them to my mouth to plant a comforting kiss on her palms, but stopped short as an intense smell of fuel hit my nose.
Her mouth opened, but she didn’t utter a word.
“What is this?” I asked.
She bit her lip down, and kept it there.
“You did this?” I asked.
She kept silent.
“Answer me, Molly. Did you set the barn on fire?” This time, my voice echoed back.
“I… I…. No. I didn’t.” She shook her head.
I took a few steps to her left, where a lighter had been dropped. “What’s this?” I picked up the orange lighter and showed it to her. She shrugged her shoulders and whispered, “I don’t know.”
“I don’t believe you.”
But Molly simply pulled in another sniffle. Her eyes filled with more tears, but she forced them back. “They’ll match the fuel from your hands to that in the barn.” I added.
She blinked once more, pearl-sized drops rolling down her cheeks, and looked me in the eye with resentment. “Fine. I did it.”
“Why?”
She shut her eyes for a moment. Her face slowly transformed into someone else’s, someone I’d never seen before.
“For the same reason that I cut my wrists. I’m sick, okay? I do these crazy things from time to time. Why do you think it’s so hard for me to come back to town? I don’t have happy and colorful childhood memories, the way you do. Not the kind you do or anyone does. I can’t help it when I come back. All these emotions take over, and I didn’t take my medication today because I was in hurry to get to Nick’s funeral.”
“We all have problems, Molly. Wait – what medications?”
“I’m getting help, but it’s not always easy.” Her gaze skidded from one side to the other, which made me pause.
“What kind of help?” I asked.
“At the hospital. Are you going to tell them?”
Was she expecting me not to? Because I wasn’t sure that I could. This was wrong. All of it. Her motive was stupid for setting a damn barn on fire. Something inside me nagged that I had to tell Captain Clark the truth. I had to tell someone. But was this the truth?
“Don’t ask me to hide this. You know how I feel about arson.”
“I won’t be able to become a… a nurse. I won’t get my license. I’ll be forced to come back here and live in Hope Bay, and I’m not sure that I can handle that.”
Fuck!
I didn’t want to be the one who took away Molly’s chance of becoming a nurse.
“Molly, this doesn’t make any sense.”
“Please. You have to believe me. I did this. Not anyone else. But I promise that I’m getting better. I’ll pay for any damage, just as long as what happened here can stay between the two of us.”
She was confusing me. I didn’t know why, but it felt as if she was already saying goodbye. I felt even worse than I had this morning at the wake. My heart wasn’t being torn into pieces, it was being shredded, before being set aflame.
My chest burned, my head ached and the sorrow flowing through my veins made my limbs feel like they weren’t my own.
“Good luck with your studies, Molly.” I turned on my heel and left.
That wasn’t part of the plan I’d had this morning, and it certainly didn’t help me become a man. Coward.
MOLLY, AGE 20
As soon as Carter left with his father, I ran to Doctor Burke’s office in town.
“Can I be of any help?” I asked.
“I’m going to head on over to the fire. I don’t suppose we’ll get many people here because everyone is heading for the barn, but in case there’s an emergency… yes, please stay here, Molly. You can call me if you need me.”
“I will.”
While Doctor Burke headed toward the fire, I took over the reception area of his office, praying no one would be hurt. A herd of townspeople passed by the window as they made their way toward the commotion a mile or so to the east. My seven-year-old brother opened the door to the office.
“Molly, there’s a fire. A barn is on fire!”
“I know. What are you doing here? Where’s Mom?”
“She’s at the grocery store. She said to come here where it’s safe.”
“You don’t want to go home?” I asked.
“No.” He shook his head. “Mom saw Father wandering around town.”
My stomach swirled, and my heart stopped for a few seconds. He wasn’t supposed to be back. Not yet. Had I made a mistake by coming back to Hope Bay? He didn’t know that I was back, did he?
“When did this happen?” My voice shook and my palms started sweating.
“She was looking for you too, but by the time we got to Auntie Jo’s wake, you were already gone.” Even though they weren’t related, Nathan had always referred to my best friend as his auntie.
“Oh… did she say where she saw him?”
He shook his head.
“But she said it was safe here,” he repeated.
“Yes, of course it is. Do you want some pencil crayons?” I asked, not wanting to raise the level of his fears. Ever since my mother had thrown Father out of the house, she’d been protecting Nathan, and so would I. She was afraid Father would get to him the same way he got to me, except she didn’t know just how much Father had hurt me. I did, and I’d do anything to keep my little brother safe.
Nathan had a knack for arts and crafts, and his eyes grew wide when I showed him the new coloring book I’d bought but hadn’t had a chance to give him. I took him to the back room, where he settled into his drawing groove. He looked so innocent. I could have stared at him all day long, but the front door chimed and so I went back to see who’d come in.
Holding a case of water and some muffins Jo’s father had packed for the wake, Mrs. Gladstone pushed the door open with her wide behind.
“Let me help you with that.” I grabbed the case from her and set it beside the counter.
“I thought people would come here with injuries.”
“Let’s hope we won’t have too many of those.” I smiled.
“That fire is blazing hot.” She placed her hands on her hips and gave a tired exhalation.
“Have you seen Carter? Is he all right?”
“Oh, dear. I didn’t even get that close to the action. The sheriff blocked off access. Too many kids were interested in the commotion. Even Betsy won’t stop mooing. Can I use the bathroom before I go back to see if they need help?”
“Go ahead. Nathan and I are the only ones here.”
“Thank you, dear.”
As soon as she left, the front door opened again and my heart
stopped. The perfectly executed smirk on his face gave me the chills, and I felt weak in my knees.
“Wh… what are you doing here?”
“Is that the way to greet your father?” With three long steps, he was at the counter. Grateful there was a half-wall between us, I backed up against the file cabinet.
“Get out, now.” I pointed to the door.
“This is a public place.”
“You hate Doctor Burke. Why would you even—”
“We don’t have a lot of time, baby. Unless you want me to say out loud what kind of a slut you are, so that everyone here hears you, you’re going to step out and away from this desk and come outside with me. Now.”
Shit!
I didn’t care about his name calling, but I also knew that his threat wasn’t empty, and I’d do anything to ensure my little brother in the back would be spared hearing any of his vulgar comments… or worse. Deep inside, I was afraid he’d use Nathan to get to me.
I set down the pen I was holding and stepped around the counter. He reached for the front door and kept it open for me. My legs were shaking. Actually, my whole body was shaking, on the inside and out. A distinct smell of fuel filled the air. As soon as I was outside, I felt him behind me as he whispered in my ear, “Now be a good girl and turn left.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
A sharp pinch jutted into my ribcage. I lowered my gaze to the knife he was holding there.
“Unless you want to spread your pretty little legs for me out in the middle of the street, you’re coming with me. Or do I have to go back into the clinic to grab your brother, so he can convince you?”
Crap!
I looked around the empty street. Everyone by now was at the fire, and those who weren’t, had stayed behind at the wake.
“Keep walking. Turn left at the corner.”
I followed the pressure of his guiding hand at my lower back, secretly wishing he wouldn’t touch me, while planning an escape in my mind. As we got closer to the woods, each of my steps became less certain than the previous one. The smell of smoke intensified, and I noticed that we were heading closer to the fire.
