by Lacey Silks
This is good. It means I’m closer to Carter.
If I could only make a dash for it, I knew I could take him. I knew he couldn’t catch me because I’d run from him enough times. But he’d kept that knife too close to my stomach and my chance to vanish, was disappearing.
Once we entered the woods, my knees started shaking uncontrollably.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
“What do you think?”
“That’s not an answer.”
“Don’t you smart mouth me, now.”
“I’m not gonna let you.” Not without a fight.
He grabbed me by my arm and spun me around. The back of my head hit a tree as he pressed his stinking body to mine, holding the knife at my throat.
“I’d rather die than to have you touch me ever again.”
I pushed my neck forward and felt the sharp blade cut through my skin. It didn’t even hurt. He tilted his head to the side, and a bemused smile spread across his face. I could barely look at him.
“You may get that wish, baby. You think we’re here by coincidence? Nothing’s a coincidence.”
I followed his gaze to the billowing smoke over the tree tops.
“You set that fire?”
“Had to get your attention somehow. Had to make sure we had some privacy.”
“You’re mad.”
“No. I just know what I want. Fuck! Looks like we’re running out of time.”
His attention shifted to the side as if he heard someone. My heart was beating so fast that I could barely hear anything over it, until a familiar voice sounded.
“Hello, is anyone there?” Carter’s voice called out.
Before I could scream, Father covered my mouth with his hand. The smell of the fuel on his skin irritated my nostrils.
“Well, damn, that puts a damper on things, doesn’t it?” His breath stunk and my need to hurl grew.
Even if I wanted to reply, I couldn’t. My mouth was still clasped. He pressed his body so hard to mine that I couldn’t move. I closed my eyes and felt tears spring from their corners.
“Change of plans, baby.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a stained rug. “Wipe your hands in this.”
I shook my head, and he pressed the knife harder to my throat.
“Hello?” Carter called out again.
“Do it, or he’ll become part of our little secret. I’ll tell him how you like it. He’ll know that you’re a slut.”
God! Why was he torturing me? I could never understand how a father could be so mean to his own child. It hurt more than the actual rape itself.
I took the soiled rug and wiped my hands. It was greasy and dirty, and its foul gas smell hit me seconds after I was done.
“You’re going to own up to the fire. Tell him you did it. He’ll cover for you, and they’ll stop looking for me. Nod that you agree.”
I nodded.
He slowly slid his hand away from my mouth, reached into his pocket, and then threw both a lighter and the dirty piece of cloth to the side. “I won’t be far. Take blame for the fire, or I’ll tell him what a little slut you are.”
As he backed away, I wiped the tears off my cheeks, removed my sweater, and tied it around my neck to cover the knife wound.
Carter couldn’t know the truth. No one could. I was absolutely mortified about the idea of anyone finding out what had happened to me five years ago. It all felt like it had happened only yesterday. I could still hear the rip of my panties and dress, feel the grasp of his fingers on my hips, feel his hands on parts of my body no fifteen-year-old should have felt her father’s touch. I felt a pinching pain in my knees at the memory, and shame filled me all over again.
“Hello, is anyone there?” Carter called out again, and I pulled in another sniffle.
“Molly?”
As soon as Carter came into view, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, acutely aware of the stench of fuel that now covered me. He ran up to me and I folded into his welcoming arms — arms I knew I would not feel again for a long time.
“Molly, what are you doing here? What’s the matter?”
He cupped my face first, then slid his hands down my shoulders and arms to take mine into his, and then lifted them to kiss them. My heart nearly broke.
Carter’s lips never touched my skin. Confusion filled his eyes at the familiar smell of fuel.
I couldn’t even speak. I was afraid if I did, I’d break down, because deep inside, I knew that I was about to break our friendship and our trust – all to protect my secret.
“What is this?” he asked.
Desperate not to break down right there, I bit my lip hard.
“You did this?” He looked back to the edge of the forest in the direction of the burning barn.
I wanted to scream no. I wanted to tell him the truth; but I knew that Father was lurking somewhere near, and I knew that he was listening. And so I kept silent.
“Answer me, Molly. Did you set the barn on fire?”
I felt my body tense as his voice bounced back after few seconds. Maybe the truth would work. Maybe it was better to get this over with.
“I… I…. No. I didn’t.”
I shook my head. Carter let go of my hands and searched the forest floor, where Father had conveniently thrown a lighter and the soiled rug. “What’s this?” he asked.
All I could do in response was shrug.
“I don’t believe you.” He shook his head in bewilderment. “They’ll match the fuel from your hands to that in the barn.”
How could he not believe me? Did he not know me at all? He would believe me if I explained what happened, though part of me didn’t want to tell him. Part of me wanted Carter to have faith in our friendship and our words. A true friend didn’t need proof; but this was different. I was about to confess to starting a fire to a man who had just this morning had told me that he was going to finish his training as a firefighter. It would break his heart. I would break his heart, and I couldn’t do it.
Just as I was about to spill everything, from the corner of my eye I saw Father peeking from behind a cluster of shrubs. He waved his index finger at me in warning, and I recoiled.
“Fine. I did it.”
I couldn’t stand the look of surprise, confusion, and disappointment on his face, and I shut my eyes. He had to believe me.
“Why?” he asked.
If he knew the truth, I’d lose him. I’d wipe years of friendship away. The only hope I had was that with time, I could maybe heal what I’d just broken. I got myself together on the inside and gave him the second biggest lie of my lifetime.
“For the same reason that I cut my wrists. I’m sick, okay? I do these crazy things from time to time. Why do you think it’s hard for me to come back to town? I don’t have happy and colorful childhood memories, the way you do. Not the kind you do or anyone does. I can’t help it when I come back. All these emotions take over, and I didn’t take my medication today because I was in a hurry to get to Nick’s funeral.”
“We all have problems, Molly. Wait – what medications?”
This could work. He could believe this, and I’d keep all my secrets stashed deep inside me.
“I’m getting help, but it’s not always easy.” I looked toward the shrubs again, but Father had disappeared. Still, I knew he was near. I knew he was listening.
“What kind of help?” he asked.
“At the hospital. Are you going to tell them?”
He couldn’t. Carter would keep my secret because that was the kind of friend he was. He’d keep it, no matter how much it killed him on the inside.
“Don’t ask me to hide this. You know how I feel about arson.”
Please believe me. Please drop it. I had one additional piece of ammunition I could use against him. One that would ensure he didn’t speak about today to anyone else.
“I won’t be able to become a nurse. I won’t get my license. I’ll be forced to come back here and live in Hope Bay, and I
’m not sure that I can handle that.”
He gritted his teeth. I saw the anger rise on his face. Disappointment and sadness beamed from his eyes.
“Molly, this doesn’t make any sense.”
This was it. He’d never talk to me again.
“Please. You have to believe me. I did this. Not anyone else. But I promise that I’m getting better. I’ll pay for any damage, just as long as what happened here can stay between the two of us.”
He looked so confused. I could tell that he didn’t want to believe my words, but he did. My own heart hurt at the pain I saw him in at the moment. He trusted me, but I had no choice.
“Good luck with your studies, Molly.”
I gasped as he turned on his heel and left. If there was one silver lining to watching him leave me in the forest, it was that my father was gone as well.
Dear Carter:
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I can’t even imagine how much you hate me right now, but thank you for keeping my secret. It means a lot. I know I don’t deserve your friendship because of what I asked. It wasn’t fair of me to even ask you that, but that day wasn’t fair in so many ways, I can’t even count. But we can’t change the past, can we?
If there was even one moment in time when you trusted in us, I want you to think back to that moment. Think back, and hold on to it, because I swear to you on Your life (yes, I said Your life), since that moment you’re thinking back to, nothing between us has changed. In fact, our friendship has strengthened.
I have to tell you something you cannot mention again. Not to me, not to anyone. Please. We can’t change the past and what happened (God, how much I wish I could!), but I need you to know the truth.
I know it won’t be easy to believe me now, but I didn’t set that fire.
I had to pretend that I did, and I can’t tell you why. And I can’t have you mention this again. Please. I wouldn’t be able to take it. And because I trust in you, I know that you won’t. That’s why I’m giving this letter to Nathan to pass onto you.
I need to find myself and learn to love myself before I can let anyone into my life again. I know it might not make any sense to you, but I need the next few years on my own. I will still come by to see Mackenzie and my brother, but I won’t stay in town. I can’t ever stay in Hope Bay again.
Again, I’m sorry.
And Carter, you’re going to be one of the best firefighters this town, or world, has ever seen.
Your Friend Always,
Molly
CARTER, AGE 25, PRESENT
A scent is released when two souls connect. I know it to be true, because I’m a firefighter, and I know my smells. When I see you, Molly, that special spark is lit and I feel my soul burst into flames.
“Fuck this. This isn’t me. I’m not a poet!” I crunched the piece of paper in my fists and threw it into the fire pit.
“You’re trying too hard, Carter.” My best friend Jo laughed and set the glass of wine on the table, lifting her legs up onto a chair. She had beautiful legs.
“Maybe I was only meant to be an uncle.”
“And you’re a wonderful uncle to Mackenzie. I don’t know what I would have done without you. But to be honest with you, you need a life.”
Was that a tremble in Jo’s voice? Her eyes were glossed over and her lids looked heavy. Jo had that half-pasted-on smile on her face that would be permanent until the wine in her veins dried up. And now I had a feeling that the wine was beginning to control her — meaning that Jo was about to lose control — and I couldn’t let her do that.
She lifted her feet to her chair, pulling her knees up to her chest, revealing one of the more enticing parts of her body.
Shit!
She must have really had too much to drink. Joelle’s skirt slid down her thighs and exposed her white panties. I eyed the quarter-full bottle on the table, for a second wondering whether I should pour the rest into her glass.
You need a life, I repeated in my mind. How pathetic was that? What I really needed was a woman to sink into, because my balls were ready to pop like an overblown balloon.
“Have you noticed the gas stove acting up?” I asked.
“No, but I can ask Nick to have a look at it. He said he did a lot of appliance maintenance when in the Navy.”
Appliance maintenance. I puffed a breath of bewilderment.
I was a firefighter. If there was anyone who knew anything about stoves, it was me.
“I know what you’re doing. Now that Nick’s back, you want him in your life instead of me.” It felt like it was only yesterday that we had been at Nick’s funeral, and now he was back – wrongfully mourned, but alive, because of some clerical mistake the Navy had made with his name. I hoped someone got fired over that one.
“You and I both know that we’ll always be just friends.”
Just friends. I’d heard that one before.
“Are you going to remind me about one of my many embarrassing moments until the day I die?”
If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn’t have tried to kiss Jo at our school camping trip. That, and keeping a close eye on Daisy when the tornado hit our town seven years ago. Oh, and maybe not being a dick to Molly five years ago. The list was long.
Oh, yeah, let’s not forget that about a week ago, before Jo’s long lost love came back from the dead, we’d kissed to test the waters of our friendship. What happened after the kiss? Nothing: nada, zip, zilch, zero. Not even a fucking twitch in my pants.
My courting options were pretty damn limited these days. Besides, the one that got away had sent me a fucking cryptic letter that forced me to fall silent about her very existence. She didn’t want anything to do with me, but it had been five long years. I’d seen her from time to time, but I’d kept my distance and didn’t ask any questions. I gave her the years on her own she’d asked for, though I kept wondering whether she’d changed. Was that Molly I knew from our childhood the same one she’d promised in the letter? I had so many questions for her but couldn’t ask them.
“Carter, my heart is still with Nick, and your… ”
“What?” I asked.
“Are you even listening to me?”
“I am. Sorry.”
“You seem so broken, Carter. I’m worried. Do you think you’ll ever get over Daisy? I really think it’s time to take that next step.”
I wanted to. I thought I was over her. I really fucking wanted to be, but the woman I was interested in and had my eyes set on since childhood asked for time. And I had to honor her wish. As far as Daisy was concerned, I’d come to realize that she would always have a piece of my heart.
“Part of me thinks I’ll never love again. Not the way I loved Daisy. It was so innocent and pure. But then I see Molly, and everything changes. She’s different, and she gets me. I know she cares for me, but I’m not sure that I deserve it.” I sighed. “I’ve been a dick to her, and I can’t change the past. And she needs time.”
“What do you mean, she needs time? How do you know?”
I sighed, rubbing the side of my fishing shorts where the letter I’d received after Molly had admitted she set the barn on fire, was neatly folded, acquiring years of life’s wisdom in my pocket. Except after re-reading it many times, I didn’t feel any smarter than I had been five years ago. If she didn’t set the fire, then who did?
“I know she needs time because she sent me a letter. I’ve never read anything that cryptic in my life.”
“A letter? How come you never mentioned it?”
“Because she asked me not to mention it, and here I am breaking a promise.”
“Where is it?”
I reached inside my pocket and pulled out the white paper, with darker creases at its edges. She unfolded the letter gently and read, until tears formed in her eyes.
“You thought she set that barn on fire?”
I then went into detail how I’d found Molly in the forest. Our secret was safe with Jo.
“Are you stupid?”
“What?”
“This is a cry out for help, Carter.”
“What do you mean?”
“Argh! Men! Don’t you get it? For whatever reason, she was forced to lie to you that day.”
“You can’t say anything to her.”
Jo lowered her voice.
“Carter, I won’t. I promise. Now, why haven’t you done anything about this letter? I know she asked you to give her time, but I don’t know, Carter. Something’s not adding up. Of course Molly didn’t set the fire.” She then gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. “I bet you it was that scummy father of hers. I never liked him. For whatever reason, he got to her. I just know it.”
I narrowed my brows. Was she right? I knew Molly didn’t get along with her father – in fact, she hated him – but she didn’t disrespect him in public, the way he’d always disrespected his entire family.
“Come on, there’s no one else as crazy as him in town, and you know it.”
“Even if that’s true, what do I do?” I asked, like a coward.
“You have to go see her!” She stood up, pointing her finger up to the sky, like a patriot. When she swayed on her feet, I shot up and caught her around her waist, setting her down on her chair. Yes, Jo was definitely getting on the tipsier side.
“I’m afraid that I struck out one too many times with Molly. She’s just so… perfect.”
Yes, I wasn’t too proud to admit that I was afraid she’d reject me again, just like she had before when I’d broached the subject of dating. But then again, she hadn’t been ready then. After that, she wanted time. And now Molly was on her own, becoming a doctor, from what I’d last heard from her mother. I was proud of her and delighted that she’d reached the dreams she sought. Did it hurt me that she completely avoided me when she came to town? Hell, yes. Was there anything I could have done about it? I thought so, because I had tried, and failed. And I didn’t want to fail any longer.
“There’s no such thing as perfect. And there’s nothing wrong with loving Daisy. I never forgot Nick when I thought he was dead, and now that he’s back I’m confused, but I understand what it’s like to love someone who passed.”
