The One You Fight For (The Ones Who Got Away)

by Roni Loren

  Shaw ran a hand over his face, his head beginning to hurt. “Yes, I’m aware. You’re the one who told me to get back out there and sleep with someone.”

  He gave Shaw an are-you-kidding-me look. “Yes. Someone. Not…not her. She’s—”

  “I know who she is, man, believe me,” Shaw said grimly.

  “And you don’t think that’s messed up? You don’t think this could be a major problem?” Rivers linked his fingers behind his neck and squeezed—a stress habit he’d had since college. “I didn’t want to let her in the gym tonight because I didn’t want you guilted into this charity thing. I didn’t want you anywhere near this type of situation. But it never crossed my mind that you’d freaking sleep with her. After all this work to keep you hidden? And what if she finds out who you are? Do you have any idea how that will make her feel?”

  Shaw took a deep breath, trying to rein in the anger that wanted to lash out. “She knows.”

  Rivers’s eyes went round. “She… What?”

  Shaw held the eye contact. “I told you I wouldn’t sleep with anyone who didn’t know my real name. She knows. I told her.”

  Rivers lowered his head as if this information was too much to take. “Jesus Christ. All this work to get things set up here, and you’re going to blow it all up before we even get started.”

  Shaw’s jaw flexed. “She’s not going to tell anyone who I am.”

  Rivers scoffed, his head snapping up. “Not right now, but what about when you end things? What about if you mess something up? Piss her off? What then?”

  Worry tried to creep into Shaw’s mind, but he shoved it down. “She’s not like that. She knows this is just…a temporary thing. She’s not looking for something more. She knows I’m in hiding and plan to stay that way.”

  Rivers shook his head, a sad look in his eyes. “Damn, brother. I know you’re lonely and that this woman looks like a good solution. But this is a really bad idea.”

  “Riv—”

  “No, I’m not trying to be a dick, but there are millions of other women in the world. You shouldn’t mess with this one. It’s like playing with matches while sitting on a gas tank.” He sat on the back of the couch as though he was suddenly too tired to stand up. “What do you think her friends would think if they knew who you were? Her family? You think they’d be fine with her bringing you home to Sunday dinner?”

  A sick feeling twisted Shaw’s gut. “Of course they wouldn’t. But what they don’t know won’t hurt them. This isn’t a get-invited-to-Sunday-dinner situation. It’s just…a hookup.”

  Even as he said the words, he felt like a Grade A asshole. This didn’t feel like a hookup. Not at all.

  Rivers shook his head. “A hookup is simple. A good time with a clean exit. No one gets hurt.” He glanced toward the closed bedroom door. “There is nothing close to simple about what you’ve gotten yourself into. You said yes to the charity thing, didn’t you?”

  Shaw didn’t answer.

  “Of course you fucking did,” he said with a scoff. “That’s how you got her into bed.”

  Shaw’s fists clenched. “Watch it, Riv. You ever imply again that I tricked someone into my bed, we’re going to have a problem. And if you make Taryn sound like someone who would fuck me because I did her a favor, you’re gonna get punched.”

  Rivers stared at him for a long moment and then let out a breath. “Right. I’m sorry. That was out of line, but you gotta realize this terrifies me, man.” He braced his hands on the edge of the couch, his knuckles flexing. “I haven’t forgotten how things were before. I worried I’d get a call one day that you were dead. Because I didn’t trust that you would care enough not to drive too fast or drink too much or watch your back on a dark night.”

  Shaw looked down, the words like little pieces of glass in his skin. He hated that he’d made his best friend worry with those kinds of thoughts. Hated that he couldn’t say those worries had been unfounded.

  “I know things aren’t ideal in this situation,” Rivers continued. “But it’s a whole lot better than what it was. I’ve seen glimpses of the guy I used to know. I’ve caught you smiling with your clients and sneaking in morning gymnastics routines. You’ve made jokes. Bad ones but jokes, Shaw.”

  Shaw smirked.

  “I don’t want this to blow that up. One bad move, and she’s going to tell someone who you are. Or she’ll slip up by accident. Everything we’ve worked for here will be gone.” Rivers snapped his fingers. “Like that.”

  The last words punched Shaw right in the gut.

  Everything we’ve worked for. Meaning he’d ruin Rivers’s dream in the process. If word got out about who Shaw was and that he was part owner, no one would want to spend their money there. It’d be over.

  Shaw could handle a lot, but he couldn’t bear the thought of taking Rivers down with him. He nodded. “I won’t let that happen. I’ve got this handled.”

  Rivers gave him a pointed look but finally a nod of acquiescence. “Fine. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.”

  Shaw snorted. “Right. You would never ever do such a thing.”

  “Never.” A quirk of a smile played at the corners of Rivers’s mouth. “Just be careful. Please.”

  Shaw put a hand on Riv’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “I will. Thanks for trying to save me from a stroke…and for everything. But right now, it’s time to get the hell out.”

  “Your hospitality skills are sorely lacking.”

  Shaw flipped him off.

  Rivers pushed to his feet and let Shaw lead him to the door, but a real smile finally broke out on his friend’s face when he turned to face Shaw. “And may I just say…dude.”

  “What?” Shaw asked.

  “You are fucking loud. Tell that woman to ball gag you if y’all are going to have round two. A guy needs his beauty rest.”

  Shaw laughed. “Don’t even give me that shit, McGowan. Let’s not forget I was around for your kinky experimentation phase junior year. I’ve heard things I cannot unhear, Daddy.”

  Rivers bit his lip at that, a slight tinge of pink chasing up his neck. “Yeah. Okay. We’re even.”

  “Not even close. But I assure you a quiet night for the rest of the evening.”

  Rivers stepped out into the hall. “Tell Taryn I’m sorry for barging in. It just never crossed my mind that you’d have a woman in there.”

  “Will do. Good night.” Shaw shut the door on his best friend and then leaned against it, his heart beating too fast and Rivers’s words chasing around in his head like angry dogs.

  This was a bad idea. Shaw knew it. Had known it going in. Knew it now.

  He opened his eyes and looked to his bedroom door, imagining Taryn in there, sleepy and soft and tucked under his sheets.

  He knew it. Right now, he didn’t care.

  Being with her felt good. It’d been a long, long time since he could say that about anything. He pushed away from the door, turned out the lights, and headed back to the bedroom.

  * * *

  The sound of the door woke Taryn from her dozing. She turned her head, sleep making her thoughts slow. Shaw’s expression was unreadable when he slipped back inside. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “S’okay.” She sat up, dragging the blanket up with her to cover her breasts. “Everything all right?”

  Shaw ran a hand over the back of his head, making his messy hair messier, tension wafting off him. “Yeah. Riv said to tell you he’s sorry for bursting in here. He’s not used to worrying about me having…company.”

  “It’s fine. A little embarrassing but no major harm done. We’re all grown-ups.”

  Shaw walked over to the side of the bed and stared down at her, hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, expression pensive.

  She suddenly felt like Baby Bear being found in a bed she wasn’t supposed t
o be sleeping in. This was a first date. Yes, they’d had sex, but sleeping over was a whole other thing. She’d never actually slept at a guy’s place before. “Um, I better get going. It’s late.”

  Shaw’s face shifted into one of displeasure. “It’s the middle of the night. Your car is at the gym.”

  “I can take an Uber back to it.”

  “The hell you can.” He sat on the edge of the bed beside her. “If you want to leave, I’ll drive you.” He put his hand on her knee on top of the blanket. “Do you want to leave?”

  She sat up taller, the question feeling loaded. “We agreed to keep this casual.”

  “Right, but casual is whatever we decide we want it to be. I’m tired. You’re tired. I don’t want you driving all the way to Long Acre this late. It makes more sense for you to stay. But if sleeping here with me tonight feels like too much, I can crash on the couch.”

  She put her hand over her face and shook her head, smiling. “We sound ridiculous. Sleep on the couch? You were just inside my actual body a little while ago.”

  “I’m very aware of that. Acutely aware, actually.”

  “I’m naked right now.”

  “Yep. Very aware on that count, too.” She could hear the amusement in his voice.

  She looked up at him. “Here I am, worrying that sharing a bed with you tonight might be crossing a line, and you’re sitting there offering to sleep on the couch in your own place. What is that?”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I just don’t understand why everyone puts these labels on everything. It makes it more complicated than it needs to be. A kiss on the mouth means this. Sleeping over means that. Your penis was in my mouth, Shaw.”

  His eyelids went half-mast. “Keep reminding me, professor, and neither of us may be getting any sleep at all.”

  She smirked. “All I’m saying is that I shouldn’t feel weird sleeping beside you tonight, right? We should get some rest…next to each other…in the same bed. And not make a thing of it.”

  He leaned over and cupped her cheek. “There is no thing to be made. I want you to sleep here. You want to stay. End of story. I’m going to take a shower, if you want to join me in there, and I’ll dig out a spare toothbrush because it’s not gentlemanly to leave a lady with penis breath.”

  She laughed and touched her fingers to her lips. “I have no such thing.”

  “Better let me double-check.” He caught her wrist, dragging her close to kiss her. The kiss was one that didn’t ask for more, just a simple, sweet I’m-glad-you’re-here kiss. All her worries softened around the edges.

  This didn’t have to be a big deal. They’d just be sleeping.

  After a little naked time in the shower.

  No. Big. Thing.

  Chapter

  Twenty

  Early the next morning, Taryn blinked in the golden light peeking through the blinds and, for a moment, didn’t know where she was. A shot of disoriented panic went through her, but when she heard soft snoring next to her and felt the heat of the man behind her, her mind came back online, the night replaying in quick, colorful highlights. Shaw. Singing. Sex. Shower. Sleeping.

  She relaxed back into the pillow, relishing the soft bed and cozy warmth of having Shaw next to her. The pillow smelled of him, whatever shampoo or deodorant he used—masculine and fresh. It was the scent that had perfumed the steamy air of the shower last night when they’d touched and kissed and soaped each other until the water ran cool. She had a silly urge to bury her face in the pillow and inhale. She squinted at the clock on the bedside table to check the time, her vision blurry without her glasses. She didn’t have anywhere to be this morning—her usual Friday class had been taken over by another professor—which felt strange, but also a little decadent.

  Shaw must’ve felt her movement because he reached out with that long arm of his and gathered her against him. “Not time yet,” he mumbled into her neck. “Early.”

  She snuggled into him, letting his body spoon around her. He’d ditched the sweatpants for a pair of soft boxer shorts, and she was still wearing his T-shirt, but there was nothing else between them. Just sleep-warm skin and soft breaths. Her backside was pressed up against his crotch, and she felt the firmness there, the morning or her presence arousing him. But it wasn’t an urgent nudge or an invitation. He nestled her closer like he just enjoyed feeling her against him.

  So this was what she’d been missing out on those times she’d left a guy’s house or sent one home from hers after sex. Maybe this was why people put labels on things. In a lot of ways, this felt so much more intimate than when they’d had sex last night. Now she knew what he wore to bed. What he smelled like after a shower. What brand of toothpaste he used. That he liked to cuddle and sleep late. He now knew that she wrapped her hair in a silk scarf at night to save her curls from becoming a flattened-out disaster. He knew she needed two pillows or she’d never fall asleep. She’d learned that he snored and liked to keep a hand on her while he slept, never completely disconnecting.

  She knew she was the only woman who’d slept in this bed.

  And was the only one who knew his real name.

  That thought sent a ripple of anxiety through her, making her belly dip. That felt like a lot of pressure. On one hand, she could feel special. He wasn’t inviting anyone else to his bed. On the other hand, was he so interested in her because she was the only woman who was an actual possibility right now? If he was able to live openly as himself and not Lucas, would she factor in so high on his radar? She’d basically propositioned the guy. What if it was a “yeah, this one will do” situation?

  Ugh. Second-guessing was the worst, but her brain was prone to analyzing things to death, a researcher’s cross to bear. Maybe she shouldn’t have slept over. Maybe they should make some rules. Maybe they’d moved too fast too soon. Maybe…

  Soft lips pressed against her shoulder, yanking her from her panicky thoughts. “You smell good,” he mumbled.

  She smirked. “I smell like you.”

  “Mmm.” His hand traced over her thigh with featherlight touches. “That’s the best way to smell. Means I got to rub all over you.”

  “Ha. Like a dog marking his territory?” she teased.

  His hand cupped her behind the knee, bending her leg so he could fit his knee behind hers, bringing her in even better contact with his hardening erection. “You’re not territory, but marking you with my scent? I’m not going to lie. That’s kind of hot.”

  She laughed, but the sound caught halfway in her throat because his fingers slid down and touched the increasingly aware spot between her legs. He groaned when he discovered her warm and slick.

  “You are so damn sexy,” he said against her ear as he expertly teased her with lazy strokes, making her fingers dig into her pillow. “Thanks for staying. It’s a helluva way to wake up.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. I’m glad you’re here.”

  With those words, the anxieties she’d awoken with melted away. I’m glad you’re here. Maybe she shouldn’t pick everything apart so much. Maybe she should try simple for once, accepting things at face value. They enjoyed each other. He’d wanted her to stay. She’d wanted to stay. Now they could have a little more time to indulge.

  He rocked against her slowly, rubbing his cock against her, only the thin layer of his boxers between them as he used his fingers to drive her to the brink and then easing her back before she could go over. Up and down. Back and forth. Tiptoeing on the edge. She was writhing against him by a few minutes in, desperate for more of him.

  “Shaw, please…”

  “Please what?” he asked, his voice full of gravel, his own arousal evident.

  “I want you. Now.” But then a mood-killing thought hit her. “Hell.”

  “What?”

  “No condoms.”

  He groane
d. “I am such a stupid, stupid man.”

  “Where are the ones you had? We could check the expiration date. I think they have pretty long lives.”

  He moved his hand away from her. “The drawer beside you.”

  Taryn pushed up on her elbow and reached over, yanking the thing open. She had to squint without her glasses but could see enough to determine what things were. There were remote controls, ink pens, extra batteries. Come on. She kept digging. A big, black bottle of something rolled forward. The label had bold red letters on it, easy to see even without her glasses on. Lubricant. She couldn’t help it. She snorted like a kid who’d found something naughty.

  “What?” Shaw asked warily.

  “Nothing.” Her voice was innocent. “That’s just…a lot of lube, my friend.”

  Shaw groaned dramatically and rolled onto his back. “Mental note: Don’t ask anyone to dig through your bedside drawers. I’ll just lie here in my humiliation now.”

  She laughed and peered back over her shoulder at him. “Don’t worry. I’ve got my own secrets in my bedside drawer. Plus, now I’m picturing your really dirty alone time and am even more turned on.”

  He smirked and ran a hand over the erection tenting his shorts. She found it unbearably sexy, the way he handled himself, lazy and confident. “You might be watching that show live and in person in a minute if we can’t find a condom.”

  That wasn’t a totally unappealing idea. Shaw sliding his hand over his cock, getting it slick and shiny, watching her watch him give himself pleasure. Hot. But right now, her body was aching for him. She needed that condom. She went back to rifling through the drawer and finally found the crinkled box in the back of the drawer. Hallelujah. She pulled a foil square out of the half-full box and lifted it to her face to read the date. “November. We’re good!”

  Shaw pumped a fist in the air. “Praise the gods of prophylactics!”