by K E Osborn
“Yeah,” I glance back to Mylee to see her sleeping soundly. “I’ll head out to talk to them. Let her rest. Might see if they have any ideas about what we can do about this Everett problem we seem to have while I’m at it.”
MYLEE
Trax and I are sitting in the emergency room, my bay seems to be one of the larger ones, and I can’t help but feel lucky in this situation. The club knows Rebecca Kline, one of the head doctors here, so my treatment has been exceptional. I can’t complain. Even though I hurt all over and I’m beyond tired, I still feel a sense of love and warmth from the Defiance MC. Knowing Torque and Sensei came to check in not only on Trax but me too, makes me feel like I’m a part of their family, even if I’ve only been here for six weeks. I love this club, I love the people, and I have to admit the idea of staying here is kind of the only thing on my mind right now.
Trax sits on the edge of my bed looking down at me as he gently strokes my arm. The adoration in his eyes is insurmountable as I stare back knowing exactly how he’s feeling. We could have lost it all today, in the blink of a damn eye. One or both of us could have died, or been severely injured. I guess we need to be thankful we came out with nothing more than a few deep scratches.
Trax opens his mouth to say something as the curtain slides back, and Kline walks in making him stop as a pensive look crosses her face.
“Mylee, your blood work showed some results. So I’ve run some further testing just to confirm.” She looks to Trax, then back to me making my tensions raise a little higher. “Mylee, are you okay for Trax to be in here when I tell you what’s going on?”
Trax suddenly stands from the edge of the bed, obviously feeling the tension like I am as he looks to Kline shaking his head. He turns reaching out for my hand as I sit up a little taller.
Suddenly I feel like something’s really wrong. I grab Trax’s hand tight, mine shaking in his feeling scared. “Yes, I don’t want him anywhere, but here.”
Kline takes a step forward with a kind smile. “Mylee, the issues in your stomach, the tightness, the nausea, I ran a range of tests. The results turned back an above normal marker for the HCG hormone in your blood.”
“English, Bex,” Trax blurts out.
Kline takes a deep breath looking to Trax, then back to me, placing her folder to her side. “Mylee… you’re pregnant.”
Trax sharply inhales.
Instantly, I feel like my mind’s starting to fog over, thunderous storm clouds are rolling over my head as I clutch my hand to my chest finding it harder to breathe. The world’s caving in on me, and the room feels like the walls are seeping blackness. I shake my head back and forth in denial.
I never wanted this.
I never wanted kids.
I know bipolar disorder’s genetic even if the professionals don’t all agree that it is.
My mother passed it on to me. I vowed never to have children, so I wouldn’t pass it on to them. And now, I’m… pregnant?
This can’t be happening!
I burst into a torrent of tears as my body reacts before I can. The thunder clouds have swarmed in, and I’m not in control as my brain is swamped with a myriad of emotions. I throw my legs over the edge of the bed, trying to stand up.
I need to go.
I need to run.
But I’m so nauseous.
I stumble feeling dizzy.
I can’t breathe. Oh God, I can’t breathe.
“Mylee,” Trax murmurs, but I can hardly hear him through the ringing in my ears. The thought there’s a baby inside of my stomach right now, and I’ve doomed it to a life of living with this torment seeps into my veins. Guilt overwhelms me as panic sets in. I can’t do this. I can’t let another person go through this. Feel how I’m feeling right now—the pain, the anguish, the storm.
Oh God, the storm.
The feeling of arms wrapping around me does nothing to soothe me as I scream, attempting to thrust my hands out to the side.
“Babe, stop! Take a breath,” Trax calls out, but I can’t see, my eyes too clouded from the tears.
The force makes Trax break away as I thrash about, and I groan so loud my throat hurts. The storm is invading fiercely, so fast it’s all I can see, everything’s black. I want to turn back to find Trax, he’s my light, my home, but my head’s so muddled I can’t think straight. Everything’s a blur—my eyes, my thoughts. I spin, trying to search, trying to find my way through the fog. My hands rushing to my hair, pulling, sobbing, stumbling. But I can’t find my way, I’ve lost myself once more.
Arms wrap around me again, this time they hold me tight, locking me in a death grip as I try to fight against them.
I feel a sharp prick in my arm.
I let out a sob knowing exactly what it means—they’re knocking me out. It’s come to this, I’m that far gone. I’m back to that girl.
My muscles give way to the pain, not only in my body but also in my heart and mind.
I can’t cope—not with this.
I’ve been doing so well, handling my disorder, it’s been under control, but right now I’m slipping, deeper and deeper as my mind can’t cope. Trax’s hands move around my legs, lifting me into his lap. I fall, my body limp with no energy left to spare.
I simply let him move me as I slowly feel the storm winning.
Darkness is taking hold of me yet again.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
TRAX
She wasn’t coming out of it like normal, no matter what I did I couldn’t seem to bring her out of it. I turned to Kline while Mylee pulled on her hair, sobbing, stumbling around the room in a daze.
“Kline will you fucking do something?”
She turned to me bringing a needle up into my line of vision. “I plan to. You just have to hold her for me.”
My chest started heaving. “You’re gonna sedate her? What about the fucking baby?”
Kline marched up to me, a sad look in her eyes. “Trax, right now, Mylee and the baby are under a hell of a lot of strain, the best thing for them is to be sleeping.”
I groaned looking back to Mylee hunched over. “Fuck!” I rushed over to Mylee, grabbing her from behind, my arms wrapped around her. She thrashed in my grip, my heart leaped into my throat as I death gripped her.
I shook my head. It didn’t feel right. Everything in me didn’t want to do it. Knocking her out seemed severe, but Mylee was so out of it she was a harm to herself and our baby.
“Fuuuck!” I groaned as Kline moved in with the needle, her kind eyes looked to me sympathetically as she placed the injection into Mylee’s arm.
Mylee’s sobs sent a cold shiver through me, clenching my eyes tight feeling like at any second I might fucking break myself. Mylee’s body loosened, and she collapsed in my arms.
“Are you okay?” Kline asked.
“No,” I simply replied as Mylee’s limp body let me know she was fading off to sleep.
My heart’s racing a million miles a second. It feels like the wind has been knocked from me. Watching her fall apart was gut-wrenching.
Shattering.
Life altering.
Mylee’s pregnant.
I know what that means to her.
But, what does it mean to me?
I know her view on kids. I know she never wanted to inflict this life on them. I know this is going to shatter her.
I don’t really know how this happened? Sure, the first time we had sex we didn’t use a condom, but after that, we’ve been super careful. Mylee was going to get the morning after pill, so what happened? Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter, it has, and now we need to figure out what the fuck we’re going to do.
As I look back up to Kline, she exhales running her hand over the back of her neck. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure how she’d take the news.”
Shaking my head, I stroke Mylee’s cheek softly as I look down on her. “I have no idea how she’s going to handle this. It could set her off into a downward spiral, Bex.”
She sighs in understanding
. “I’ll have her psych informed of the situation if you think it’s best. Maybe have him come down and evaluate her? She has some decisions to make. Having a baby is hard. Having a baby when you have bipolar disorder brings a whole set of new challenges… her medications are something she will need to take into consideration as well.”
Running my fingers through my hair in frustration, I tip my head. “I know, and if I know Mylee, I’ll have a fight on my hands.”
Kline exhales. “There are no right or wrong answers in this, only what’s best for Mylee and your baby. But she has to feel supported in whatever decisions you choose, whatever they are…” Her deeper tone on those last few words brings me to a thought I hadn’t dare think.
What if she will want to terminate?
This life we created.
What if she wants to end it before it’s begun?
Shit! I might even have a bigger battle on my hands than the medications.
Kline squeezes my shoulder in support with a sigh. “For the record, when she wakes up, we’ll need to talk more about your options, but you need to be prepared for all the options, Trax. Not just the ones you want.”
All I can do right now is grunt.
“Can I get you anything? Pain relief? Valium?” she jokes on the last one.
Letting out a small laugh, I raise my brow. “Maybe a fifth of Jack?”
“Sounds about right. I think you should call Torque. Sometimes a brother is really handy in times like these.”
“How long will she be out?”
She sighs. “Couple of hours, at least, then we’ll need to see how she feels when she wakes up. She will be groggy but should be calmer. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling more like talking things through.”
“Cheers.”
“We should get her onto the bed,” she suggests.
I take a deep breath as I somehow stand up with Mylee in my arms. She’s a complete dead weight, but I don’t care, even though my shoulder’s screaming at me every which way.
I place her on the bed as Kline pulls a warmed blanket over her. “Okay, I’ll give you some time. Call Torque!” She turns walking out leaving me to call my brother and tell him what the hell’s going on. I walk over to the seat, grabbing and yanking it over, the metal legs screech across the floor, as I drag it to sit by the edge of her bed. I need to be as close to Mylee as fucking possible right now. I sit down, just taking a breath.
Reaching up, I grab Mylee’s hand.
My eyes drift to her stomach.
Mine twists slightly at the thought of what’s growing in there.
A part of me.
A part of her.
Ours.
Sniffing, I let out a staggered breath as I blink away the fucking tears.
I could be a dad.
I take a second to let that sink in. Heaviness wafts over me, and I glance up to Mylee, her face calmer now. The idea of us being parents together makes me… happy. I know it shouldn’t. I should be scared out of my brain. But the fact there’s a little peanut inside of Mylee right now, honestly, I don’t want to give that up. I know it will be hard, I know a life with Mylee is what I want, but to throw in a kid. Fuck!
Taking another deep breath, I pull out my cell and dial Torque’s number. I don’t even really know what the hell to say. Telling him over the phone seems like a shitty thing to do, but I need him here.
He answers quickly. “Trax, everything okay?”
Sighing, I have to find my fucking balls trying to hold myself together. “Ahh… can you come back to the hospital? I know you just left but the results are in for Mylee’s bloodwork.” I stop and take a breath then continue, “I’m a little rattled. I need to talk to you—”
“On my way,” he interrupts and doesn’t hesitate or barrage me with questions. He simply hangs up the cell, and I know he’ll be here soon.
Grabbing the back of my neck, I try to relieve the damn tension building. I place my cell in my jeans pocket then look back to Mylee. She’s sleeping so calmly. I’m not a fan of sedating her, but sometimes you have to do what’s necessary in order to bring her back.
What the hell am I going to do if she wants to terminate this pregnancy?
Being with Mylee meant never having our own children, but now faced with the option, I can’t imagine it any other way. I love her. She’s it for me, and I plan to tell her as soon as she wakes up.
I will stake my claim on her. I just hope this won’t be the straw that breaks her, and she pushes away from me for good.
Her moods can be so volatile, so unpredictable, but that’s no fault of her own. I don’t hold it against her. I also know her medications will probably be an issue. This will definitely be a problem, and the idea of Mylee coming off her meds is scary as fuck. She’s been doing so well, but being completely off meds while pregnant, and her hormones, could be epically dangerous. But if this is what has to be done, I’ll be there for her, every motherfucking step of the way.
Because that’s what love is.
And fuck, do I love this woman.
***
I sit staring at her for what seems like hours, but I know it’s only minutes. I have no idea of time right now, the world is moving, life’s going on around me, but I have no idea what to think, how to feel. I’m in limbo, not knowing how this is going to play out when she wakes up, and it’s damn near killing me.
The curtain pushes back, and Torque rushes into the room. He looks at Mylee who’s still zonked out, and he raises his brow as he puffs out air through his mouth. I glance at my brother, I’m barely holding it together. Torque scrunches up his forehead as he moves over to the bed pulling me into a hug, not a man hug but a real hug, a brotherly hug, surrounding me in a warmth I didn’t know I was so desperately craving until now.
Torque pulls back holding my shoulders looking me in the eyes. “Tell me.”
I gesture to the seats. “Bex did some blood work, and … umm… Mylee’s… fuck! She’s pregnant.”
Torque’s eyes open wide. “Holy shit! Trax, you’re gonna be a dad?” Concern’s etched on his face like he’s unsure of why I’m so frazzled by this announcement.
I shrug then look over at her, he follows my line of sight. “I don’t know. Mylee’s never wanted kids. Mylee has a genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder. Her mother gave it to her, and there’s a possibility it could be passed onto her children. She’s always said she would never do that to another human being. She’s always said that.”
Torque licks his bottom lip.
“You should have seen the reaction when Bex told her, brother. I’ve never seen her this bad. She fell apart. It took Bex and me to bring her down. I…” my voice gets caught in my throat as he reaches out, grabbing my shoulder in support. “Seeing her that way, knowing how much this will tear her up… part of me wants to take the easy route, but this baby is a part of her and me. I don’t know how I could live with myself knowing we could have had it all, and…” I close my eyes feeling it all getting too much.
Torque lets out a long breath. “Fuck… this is heavy. I’m guessing Kline gave Mylee something to knock her out?”
I tilt my head once opening my eyes to look over at her. “Yeah, she’ll be out for another hour or two.”
“Right… there’s a bar across the street. I think we need to get a beer, regroup, then come back when she wakes. You need a level head for this.”
“I can’t leave her.”
“Brother, you’re on the fuckin’ edge. You’re of no use to her the way you are. Bex’s here, she’ll call if Mylee miraculously wakes up early.”
My stomach knots at the thought of leaving her, but I know he’s right. She isn’t waking up anytime soon, and to be honest, I could do with a stiff drink. So we stand. He pats my back as I walk over to her and lean down gently kissing her forehead. “I’ll be right back.” I know she can’t hear me, but it makes me feel better. So I walk out of her room with my brother in search of something hard to keep me going.
; We step out into the emergency ward to find Kline.
“I’m taking Trax across to the bar for a drink,” Torque tells her.
“Excellent idea. Mylee will be asleep for a while, and if anything happens, I’ll call immediately.”
I crack my neck to the side feeling tension rolling through me. “Can you hold off calling her psych and stuff until I’ve talked to Mylee more about what she wants to do? I don’t want to step in or take over until absolutely necessary. I want to give her the chance to come through this, to make some of her own decisions. So can we wait for now?”
“Probably a good idea. We’ll assess her when she wakes up, but for now, you guys go. Have a drink, unwind. I’ll look after everything here.”
“Thanks, Bex,” I murmur. She winks at me as Torque and I head off.
We exit crossing the street, the bar almost dead for a Wednesday afternoon.
Torque’s quiet. Almost too quiet as we walk in and head straight for the bar. We take a seat on the stools, and I lean against the bar as the barman steps up.
“Couple of beers, thanks,” Torque asks.
“Actually, make mine a Jack. Neat and a double,” I correct.
Torque dips his head in understanding as the barman goes about pouring our drinks. After a few minutes, he places the beer in front of Torque and a small tumbler in front of me. I pick it up, throwing back the contents as Torque quietly sips on his beer.
Silence engulfs us, and I can’t help but wonder what my brother’s thinking.
Is he concerned for me?
Does he think I’ll make a good father?
Does he think Mylee should terminate?
The silence is deafening as I turn to Torque and I tap the bar. “C’mon, out with it. What are you thinking?”
Torque chuckles taking another sip of his beer then wipes the back of his mouth turning to face me. “Honestly? This could be so fuckin’ good for you. I’ve been watching you go down this path of self-destruction, you’ve been out for blood. Carnage. Chaos. But the minute Mylee and you got back together, it’s like something in you flicked, something changed. The Trax I knew, the brother that was kind and funny, was back. This past six weeks while she’s been with us you’ve been a different man. I know throwing a baby in the mix is gonna be fuckin’ tough, not to mention the pregnancy, and I realize her disorder will play up throughout. But brother, you being a father… I can’t think of anything you’re more suited to right now with Mylee by your side. She makes you… better.”
