Taken in Hand

by Lola Starr

  “See you later,” I said, standing up as well and giving him a hug and a big kiss.

  “Mmm. I’ll do my best to be home for dinner tonight. Save some of that sugar for me.”

  After he walked out of the kitchen, I plopped back down on the chair carelessly and winced at the pain. I was still sore from the night before. I tried to finish my plate of pancakes but was simply too upset to eat. There was nothing unusual in his behavior or any indication of anything wrong. Maybe he’s already decided to tell Gabrielle to get lost because he loves me. I couldn’t take my chances though.

  I quickly cleared the table and left the dishes in the sink to deal with later. I ran upstairs to get on the computer. He kept his current passwords taped to the inside of the desk drawer. I kept my eye on the clock as I logged into his work email. I knew I’d have to leave no evidence behind, and wanted to be done before he got to the office and noticed anything fishy.

  I searched for the name Gabrielle and got about half a dozen results. I opened the most recent one, dated the day before.

  Just confirming lunch tomorrow. The Bistro on Elm at 11:00?

  In the sent folder, I found Jackson’s reply confirming the meeting. I desperately wanted to snoop around more, but I didn’t want to take a chance being late for this meeting. It would take me a while to get ready and in place, so I decided I’d come back to the emails later.

  I showered and got dressed in a pair of simple khakis and a blouse. I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself so I had to blend in with the other diners. I left my hair down and chose a hat that went nicely with the outfit. I dug out a pair of big, round sunglasses I had bought the previous summer but had never worn. When I finally pulled it all together, I was happy with the results. Even without the sunglasses, there was nothing that would draw Jackson’s attention towards me.

  I grabbed my purse and headed out to the garage. The parking downtown was a nightmare and I wanted plenty of time to find a decent spot and still get situated at the restaurant before Jackson arrived. After driving around downtown for a half hour, I finally found an empty parking meter just a few blocks from the bistro. I pushed in a bunch of quarters, enough to cover me for a couple hours, and then made my way to the restaurant.

  Thankfully, it wasn’t too busy and I was able to be seated at a small outdoor table with a clear view of the inside. I sat with my back to the street but glanced towards the entrance obsessively, waiting to spot Jackson. I ordered a salad and hoped I’d be able to stall long enough at the table that I’d get a good look at this woman. I took a nibble of lettuce and glanced over my shoulder. I nearly dropped my fork. Jackson was right behind me.

  I quickly turned back around and waited a moment. I realized he hadn’t seen me and I took a deep breath. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I considered sneaking out before I got spotted but changed my mind when I saw Jackson sit down at a table with a blonde woman. She was facing away from me so I couldn’t get a good look at her from where I was. A fire burned in my stomach when I saw Jackson smiling broadly as they spoke, and I knew I had to get closer to them.

  I flagged down the waitress and asked to be moved to an inside table. There was a small table free just a couple yards away from them, and I got her to seat me there. As she walked away in an irritated huff, I continued to take small bites of salad as I glanced at their table. Now I had a clear view of her, but Jackson was faced away from me. She looked to be in her mid-twenties, a good 10 years younger than I was. Her skin had a healthy glow from time spent in the sun and from what I could see, her body was fit and toned all over. My heart sank as it occurred to me that this was what Jackson wanted. How was I supposed to compete with that? I strained my ears to hear the conversation Jackson and this lady were having.

  “I wanted to reassure you that I’m taking this very seriously,” Jackson was telling her as a waiter placed their food on the table. “I just wanted to get a solid plan in place before committing to an answer.”

  “So, am I about to get an answer?” Gabrielle said with a trace of a smile on her face. “I really didn’t want to rush you into something you’re not ready for, but I need to get things in place as well. I do need to know where we stand.”

  “Well, like I’ve told you before, this is exactly what I need at this point in my life. Going forward with you is the best thing for me. I just needed to find a way to do this without it being too hard on my wife.”

  “Is that a yes?” her face lit up with a broad smile.

  “It is,” he responded, as my heart fell. I have to get out of here. I gathered my things before slamming some cash down on the table for the waitress and almost running across the restaurant towards the door. As I left the table, I heard her gushing with delight but couldn’t stop to process what she was saying. Tears were already beginning to roll down my cheeks as I rushed down the sidewalk to get back to the car. Before I reached the corner, I was sobbing. She was young, beautiful and everything he wanted. I didn’t stand a chance, and I knew it.

  As I approached the car, I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my blouse. My hands were shaking so badly, I had trouble unlocking the door but finally managed it. I collapsed onto the seat and began to sob even harder. I’m about to lose everything. My head began to ache from crying so hard, and I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I desperately needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t think of anyone that I wanted to turn to. I didn’t want to tell anyone that my husband was leaving me for a younger, prettier blonde.

  I pulled onto the street and made my way towards the freeway. The traffic downtown was as crazy as ever, and my hysterical mindset just made things worse. I missed the street I was looking for and turned around to get back to it. But between the one-way streets and heavy traffic I ended up circling around downtown several times just trying to find my way. As I tried to figure out where I was, I noticed a sign for the freeway at the upcoming corner. I quickly changed lanes in order to make the turn before I passed it again. I got over just in time and the tires squealed as I sped around the corner—before rear ending the car that was sitting in a long line of traffic.

  I swore to myself as I put the car in park and got out to see the damage. My fender was crushed, but was still in better condition than the car in front of me. I had plowed into it so hard that the fender was smashed halfway into the trunk and shattered pieces of the broken taillights were spread across the ground. Just great. Could this afternoon get any worse? The universe answered in the affirmative as I looked up and saw Gabrielle step out of the driver’s seat.

  “Holy shit,” she exclaimed, staring at the damage with her jaw dropped. “This is a rental car! Do you know how badly you just screwed me over?”

  Good!

  “I’ll get my insurance info for you,” I said trying to stay cool as my entire body trembled. Of all the people to crash into! I grabbed my purse and started digging through it with shaky hands. I wonder if I should confront her. Maybe it’ll scare her away from Jackson. I debated with myself inwardly as I walked back towards her. She was on the phone, explaining to someone that she would be late. As she hung up, she shook her head in irritation.

  “Here’s my insurance information,” I said, handing her the card and trying to keep my voice steady. Say something! Confront her! She took a picture of the card with her phone and started to hand it back to me, but suddenly stopped and stared at it. She then looked up at me with wide eyes.

  “You’re Jackson’s wife!”

  “You’re one to talk about screwing other people over!” I snatched the card away from her and stuffed it back into my purse. My heart was pounding and I could feel my face getting red. I was vaguely aware of the honking cars all around us but didn’t care. This bitch is trying to steal my husband. “Do you ever stop to think about how your plans hurt other people? Do you even care?”

  She stared at me in stunned silence for a moment before speaking. “I...I’m sorry?”

  “You should be!” My voice was ra
ising and people on the sidewalk were stopping and staring. “Jackson and I have been together for 15 years. You were still a child when we got married. How can you just come waltzing into someone’s life and turn it upside down like this?”

  Her jaw hung open as she stared at me. I felt my eyes tearing up again. I couldn’t take much more of this. Determined not to let her see me cry, I rushed back to the car, backed away and pulled out onto the street I had come from. The tears fell as I drove, not even caring where I was headed anymore. Confronting her hadn’t made me feel any better. I was just as angry and confused as I was before.

  The downtown streets rushed by in a blur as I kept driving in a depressed daze. As I left the downtown area, the traffic eased up and I decided to pull over and give myself some time to think. I parked in front of a playground filled with young children screaming as their oblivious mothers chatted to each other. Jackson and I had tried for years to have kids and hadn’t been able. Now he’d have a chance with someone else. But what would there be in my future? I couldn’t imagine life without Jackson. We were so close, or so I had believed.

  I sat and watched the kids playing happily and wished my life were so simple and carefree. I was sure Gabrielle would tell Jackson what had happened and I could only imagine what kind of horrible conversation awaited me when he got home from work. I’d go to bed tonight knowing for certain that my marriage was over.

  My phone rang and, sure enough, it was Jackson calling. I let it go to voicemail. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. Even though it was silly, a small part of me still clung to the delusion that as long as we hadn’t discussed it yet, our marriage was still intact. I decided to head home, and prepare myself as best I could. I pulled away from the playground, away from the happy children and mothers who seemed to not have a care in the world, and drove myself home.

  Jackson made several more attempts to get through to me but I sent it to voicemail each time. I wanted to have this conversation face-to-face, where he could see the pain he was putting me through. I pulled into the garage to park and then went inside. The house was always so lonely without him. Now it would be like that all the time.

  I sat down on the sofa, turned off my cell phone, and lay down. Staring at the TV with no interest in what I was looking at, I realized I was both mentally and physically exhausted. Without even realizing it, I dozed off.

  I awoke to the sound of Jackson’s keys unlocking the door. It took me a moment to get my bearings and then the memory of what had happened that day came flooding back to me. He entered and immediately rushed over to me on the sofa.

  “Sabrina! I’ve been trying to reach you all afternoon. Are you alright?”

  “No,” I said defiantly, before breaking into tears once again. Dear Lord, what is wrong with me? I couldn’t keep things pulled together for even a couple minutes.

  “Were you hurt?” he continued, sitting down next to me and pulling me into his arms. “Gabrielle said you were behaving strangely. Did you hit your head?”

  At the sound of her name, I bristled and pulled away from him roughly. How can he just toss her name out like that in front of me? I stood up despite my shakiness and put my hands on my hips.

  “I know all about it, Jackson,” I cried. “I heard you and Matt talking in the basement last night. And I was at your little lunch date this afternoon, but you were too wrapped up in her to notice me!”

  “Gabrielle said she thought she had seen you at the restaurant but I assumed she was confused,” he said with a confused frown. “Sabrina, what on earth is going on with you? Why were you downtown?”

  “Stop talking about that bitch in front of me,” I hollered through my tears. “How can you do this to me? And out of nowhere, with no warning or anything? I didn’t even realize it was a possibility and you already made your decision without even talking to me about!”

  “Sabrina, please calm down,” he said slowly, standing up and looking at me with genuine concern. “I know it’s a big adjustment but it will be alright. Please sit down and try to relax. Let’s talk about this.”

  I couldn’t believe his response. I must be going crazy. “How can you say that? It will be alright?! Sit down and relax?! It’s anything but alright! Why are you doing this?”

  “Sabrina...I didn’t realize it would be so upsetting for you. I thought you’d at least be somewhat happy for me, even if it wasn’t the future we had planned.”

  I stared at him incredulously. My head was spinning trying to make sense of his reaction. I didn’t know which one of us was going crazier.

  “Why would I be happy about this? Are you happy? Are you honestly telling me that you’d rather be with her than with me? Does our marriage mean so little to you?”

  Now it was his turn to stare in disbelief. I watched as his worried frown slowly began to relax, as he blinked a few times and then gave a chuckle. I nearly hit him.

  “What is so damn funny?” I cried.

  “Sabrina...Gabrielle works for a law firm in San Diego. They’ve been trying to recruit me because they were so impressed with my work on the Lawson’s Contractors case last year. She came out here to offer me a position as a junior partner in their law firm.”

  “What do mean?” I was still so confused I couldn’t process what he was saying.

  “I accepted the position. We’re moving to San Diego. I knew it would be a hard adjustment and I wanted to give you some time to think it over as well, but I couldn’t let the opportunity pass by. I’m going to be a junior partner at Warren, Drake and Morris!”

  I was so stunned I collapsed onto the sofa. He wasn’t leaving me. My marriage wasn’t over. He sat down next to me as another look of concern came over his face.

  “Honey, you didn’t really think something was going on between Gabrielle and me, did you?” The look on my face answered for me. “How on earth did you get that idea?”

  “I heard you talking to Matt about not wanting to hurt me and how close I am to your mom and that I wasn’t expecting any of this....” My voice trailed off as the reality sunk in. I had been completely off base, about everything.

  “You’ve been worried about this since last night and you never said anything to me? Why didn’t you ask me when I came to bed last night? You just assumed I was having an affair and didn’t talk to me about it?”

  “I was too stunned. And upset,” I explained, growing uncomfortable once again. Saying it out loud made it all sound so incredibly foolish. “I wanted to find out the truth for myself.”

  “I would have told you the truth,” he said, his face beginning to frown once again. “How on earth did you know I was having lunch downtown today?”

  My heart sank as I realized I would have to explain all my sneaking around. I took a moment to collect my thoughts before trying to explain.

  “Well, when you left for work this morning, I decided to see if there was any evidence of you having an affair. So,” I paused a moment and gulped. This is going to be rough. “I went into your work email and saw a message confirming the lunch date today.”

  “You went into my work email?” his voice boomed throughout the living room. “Sabrina, there is confidential client information in there. If someone found out, I could lose my job. I could get disbarred, for heaven’s sake!”

  My stomach was in knots. Earlier today in my paranoia this behavior had all seemed completely reasonable. Now I could see how irrational I had been—and how much worse things might turn out because of that. I crashed into his recruiter’s car and yelled at her about ruining my marriage. A feeling of nausea came over me as I remembered the confused look on her face before I had peeled away. That whole incident might have cost him his new job.

  “Jackson, I’m sorry,” I tried to explain. “I was just so upset—I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

  “All you had to do was talk to me,” he said quietly, his head in his hands. “Why wouldn’t you just ask me? So, Gabrielle was right? You were at the restaurant. You went through all that trouble
to check on me and not once did it occur to you that the best thing to do was to simply ask me what was going on?”

  I sat there silently, almost in tears once again. I felt so ashamed of myself that I didn’t know what to say. I had gone completely overboard over a simple misunderstanding.

  “How bad is the damage to your car?” he said, standing up with a deep sigh. “Gabrielle said her rental car was almost totaled. I can only imagine how much this is going to cost us.”

  “There’s damage to the bumper,” I mumbled, avoiding his eyes. “I didn’t really look closely.”

  He walked out of the room without another word. I heard him opening the door that led to the garage. Several minutes later, he came back.

  “I’m going out to grab something to eat. I want you to go upstairs and go straight to bed. We’ll deal with this tomorrow, when I’m not as furious as I am now.”

  A fresh set of tears began to fall as I rose from the sofa to follow his instructions. I had lost count of how many times I had cried so far that day. I’ve never seen him so angry before. When I reached the bedroom, I slipped out of the khakis and blouse I had put on that morning and changed into a gown. In my crazy plan to protect my marriage I had damaged it terribly. Sobs began to pour out of me as I pulled the covers over my body. We had never gone to bed angry in our entire marriage.

  I turned the pillow over so I could lie on the side that wasn’t soaked with tears. He got recruited to be a junior partner. We had struggled so much during his years in law school and ever since, as he tried to build a strong foundation for his career. Now his hard work was finally beginning to pay off, but instead of celebrating his accomplishment, he had left the house in anger and I was in bed, alone. Why didn’t I just talk to him?

  From my spot on the bed I watched the sky slowly turn dark. There was no way I could sleep, not any time soon. Gosh, I hope they don’t revoke the job offer. It was terrifying to imagine how much worse things would be if that happened. Too weary to cry, I simply watched the ceiling as the lights from passing cars shone across it, then faded. It must have been a couple hours since Jackson had left, and I was nowhere close to being sleepy. Even if I was, the knot in my stomach would have prevented it.