Ariel’s Antics

by Robyn Peterman

  “Are ye sure that’s what ye want?” Pirate Chronos asked, raising a brow.

  “Yes,” I said. “It’s what I want. How long will it last?”

  “Ten minutes. Ten minutes that ye will never get back. Ten minutes that might haunt ye for the rest of yer immortal life. And ye will owe me a favor.”

  I grinned and shrugged. “Not a problem. How about I put in a good word for you with Bony Velma Dustface?”

  A burst of delighted laughter came from the God of Time and he nodded with approval. “That will do just fine, little Mermaid.”

  “Umm… this is sounding a little iffy,” Keith pointed out.

  “You want to see my rack?” I asked him.

  “I do,” Kurt volunteered right before Keith walloped him in the head.

  “Of course, I want to see your rack,” Keith said as Kurt shook off the blow and flipped off his brother. “What does seeing your rack have to do with negotiating with a Kraken?”

  “We need to live in order for you to see my rack,” I told him.

  “I see where you’re going with this,” Keith said. “You have a plan?”

  “Do you trust me?” I asked.

  “With my life,” Keith replied.

  “Then as soon as the Pirate freezes the slimy buttholes, you and Kurt go touch them. I don’t think they’re mad. I think they’re hurting,” I said.

  Keith and Kurt’s eyes grew wide and an expression of enormous relief crossed their handsome faces.

  “We don’t have to pull on the mac daddy of our magic,” Kurt said, so relieved his knees buckled. “We won’t drain the ocean and kill everything we love. This is fucking great.”

  “Best damned day of my life,” Keith said staring straight at me. “Let’s do this.”

  “On three,” Pirate Chronos yelled over the wind. “One. Two. THREE.”

  Gods, I hoped I was right.

  I wanted the very thing that I’d told Pirate Chronos to freeze. I wanted time—time with my true love. Time with my family. Time to have more adventures.

  And only time would tell if I would get my wish.

  16

  Keith

  I’d never witnessed anything like it and quite honestly I hoped I never witnessed it again. The atmosphere felt like a living death—no joy—devoid of everything I loved about the ocean. Pirate Jackoff aka Pirate Chronos aka the God of Time began to glow so brightly I had to shield my eyes. He grew in size and his short, scraggly, grey beard was suddenly long, white and curly. His pinchers morphed to hands, his eyes sparkled an eerie silver and his breeches were replaced with flowing golden robes.

  Of course the robes were pressed…

  Thankfully his weird speech pattern stayed the same. There was only so much change I could handle at the moment.

  “Holy shite,” I whispered as the grumpy old Pirate’s face turned into a clock. Fucking weird didn’t even begin to describe it.

  Chanting in a language I would never understand, the Pirate called on time to cease. And it did. The surface of the ocean stilled to the point it resembled glass. The wind halted and there was no sound other than that of our breathing… and the wailing of the Krakens.

  It was now or never.

  “Kurt, shift to your seal. Dive over Joan’s volleyball shark net and stay with me,” I instructed. “When we get to the first Kraken, we’ll shift back to human and touch it.”

  “That’s gonna be difficult,” Kurt said. “Treading water in human form sucks ass.”

  I agreed, but there was no other way. In order to detect injury we needed our hands.

  “You guys want a mini island or six?” Joan asked with her eyes alight with excitement.

  “You can create a mini island?” I asked, impressed and immensely turned on. My Mermaid was a well-endowed genius.

  “I can do lots of stuff, Selkie,” she said with a giggle as she clapped her hands and six tiny islands popped up out of the water—palm tree included. One right in front of each of the wailing and frozen Krakens.

  “Dang it,” Kurt groused. “I want a freakin’ Mermaid who has a fantastic rack and can make islands.”

  “Get in line,” Pirate Chronos said with a laugh. “Get yerr arses in gear. Time is ticking—pun intended.”

  He was right, annoying pun and all.

  “Ready?” I asked my brother.

  “Always.”

  We dove over the railing together and let our seal bodies come out to play. The feel of the cool water as it hit my skin was magical. I heard Joan gasp and laugh with joy as she saw my seal for the first time. I was fucking glad mine was bigger than Kurt’s. Wouldn’t want my Mermaid to be disappointed.

  Swimming though the still water was surreal. Kurt kept up with my pace and we landed with a belly flop on the first island. Aquaman would be proud. Jason Momoa had nothing on us. We shifted back to human at the same time. Of course, we were naked. The thought of my Mermaid ogling my backside brought on a rather embarrassing side effect.

  “Dude, this turns you on?” Kurt asked, looking alarmed and pointing at my Johnson.

  “No, rusty bulge spasm. My Johnson is very aware that my Mermaid is checking out my ass,” I said, flipping him off.

  “Oh. Okay. I got worried there for a second,” he said, returning the bird. “Sorry.”

  “No problem,” I told him and then gasped in surprise. “Sweet Poseidon in a tutu, Krakens are fucking huge.”

  “Understatement,” Kurt mumbled.

  “Okay. Let’s do it,” I said, inching toward the Kraken.

  “Since I haven’t done this yet, what exactly are we doing?” Kurt asked, looking wildly uncomfortable.

  “Honestly, I’m not a hundred percent sure, but when I touched Don Guido I could sense everything that was wrong with the randy little shite. And then I just sent energy to the problem areas.”

  “So you didn’t have to touch the balls?” Kurt asked.

  “Nope. No nard cupping.”

  “Thank Poseidon’s hairy scrotum for that,” Kurt said, sending a thumbs up to the sky. “I was going to pass on the job if it required sac scratching.”

  “I feel you,” I said with a shudder. “I say we touch the Kraken together. That way we can compare notes.”

  “Isn’t that cheating?” Kurt asked.

  I wanted to head butt him, but a violent wrestling match—while very satisfying—would waste precious time.

  “No. Not cheating. And even if it was do you care? We both cheated our way through school and turned out just fine.”

  “Good point,” Kurt said with a grin and a nod.

  “Thank you.

  “Welcome.”

  “Touch the Kraken. Now,” I told him.

  And we did. It was slimy and slightly stinky, but mostly it was fascinating.

  “Hello from the outside,” I called out.

  “Adele?” a gravelly voice called back.

  “I don’t sound like Adele,” I snapped. “I’m a dude, you fatass.”

  “Sorry my bad. I thought you were singing Hello by Adele. I love Adele,” the Kraken said in a freaky voice that would leave me with nightmares as he continued to whimper.

  “No worries,” I assured the Kraken, cautiously patting his slippery skin. “Do you have a name?”

  “Do you, lowly Selkie sludge?” he shot back.

  I rolled my eyes and Kurt just grinned. “Look dude, you do not want to play that game with us. We will burn your bulbous butt wherever the hell that is. We are the Insult Masters. You feel me, steamy wedgie loaf?”

  “Good one,” the Kraken growled. “Mind if I borrow that?”

  “Umm… no, go ahead. Have at it.”

  “Why am I frozen?” he demanded, grunting and groaning.

  “Precaution,” Kurt informed the Kraken. “We want to talk and you look awfully hungry.”

  “We have no beef with you,” the Kraken bellowed. “Free us now or you will be sorry. The Great Kraken will grind you up and make panko bread crumbs out of you.”
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  “Is that like the Great Pumpkin—you know the big orange head that doesn’t really exist?” I asked with a disrespectful smirk.

  “No one can insult the Great Kraken,” he screamed and then cried harder. “Free us NOW.”

  “No can do, gunky dude,” I told him and moved my hand carefully over his slimy skin. Damn it, I couldn’t feel anything.

  “It’s Norm,” the Kraken informed us.

  “It’s normal?” I asked, not following.

  “No, my name is Norm.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked trying not to laugh. It was all kinds of wrong for a Kraken to be named Norm.

  “No, Selkie dumbass. I told you. It’s Norm. Are you hard of hearing?”

  “Nope. I can hear you and all your buddies crying like weenies loud and clear. I’m gonna guess they can hear you all the way to China with your blubbering.”

  “You’d be blubbering too if you have to deal what we have to deal with,” Norm grunted.

  “Found it,” Kurt whispered with wide eyes, clearly shocked that my method worked. “It’s the feet.”

  “They don’t have feet, nardbucket,” I whispered back.

  “I meant the goopy things hanging off their bodies—looks kind of like legs. That’s where the pain is.”

  I focused on Norm and let my energy flow through his gigantic frame. Sweet Poseidon on a week-long bender, Kurt was right. Something was very wrong with their tentacles.

  “Eight minutes,” Pirate Chronos shouted from the deck of the ship.

  “Eight minutes till what?” Norm asked, narrowing his squishy black eyes at us.

  “Eight minutes until… umm… tea. Pirates are very anal about tea time,” I lied, starting to get a bit stressed. Could we heal six fatass weirdos in eight minutes?

  “No one ever invites us for tea,” Norm lamented, starting to cry again.

  I glanced over at Kurt who just shrugged in confusion. The Krakens were nothing like the vicious killers I thought they’d be. They were immense, smelly, blubbering weenies.

  “Dude, you’re kind of huge and have a real shite reputation for eating pretty much everything you come across,” I pointed out.

  “And your hygiene is a little iffy,” Kurt added.

  “I see what you’re getting at,” Norm sniffled.

  “Look man, if you want to get invited to tea you have to stop killing stuff. You feel me?”

  “That’s all it would take?” Norm asked surprised.

  “Well… sure,” I said, looking over at Kurt who was trying not to laugh. “You want to share where you freaks were going today?”

  “Will it get us an invite to tea?” Norm inquired.

  “Can the Krakens come to tea?” I called out to Pirate Chronos.

  “What did ye just say, Tar Stain?”

  “I said… can the Krakens come to tea?” I repeated.

  “That’s what I thought ye said. Aye, they can come as long as they bring a dish. I’ll have no welchers at me table,” the Pirate said, not missing a beat.

  “The Pirate said yes,” I told Norm. “But just a heads up. The old freak rakes his carpets so if you slime on his ship your ass is grass.”

  “Thank you, Tar Stain.”

  “That’s not my name, buttwash.”

  “It’s what the Pirate called you,” Norm said as he began to cry again. “And it fits you well.”

  “Fine,” I snapped. “You can call me Tar Stain. However, I got you your invite to tea so now you better tell me where you big ass nards are going.”

  “To eat an island,” Norm stated as if that was not a big deal.

  “You can’t eat a fucking island,” I told him. “That’s exactly why no one likes you guys.”

  “But the Great Kraken said it will heal the pain if we eat the Mystical Isle,” Norm growled.

  “Who in the clam shells is the Great Kraken?” I asked.

  “He’s our leader. Actually he’s not a Kraken at all. He’s a Sea Slug with little man complex, but he got voted in so we have to follow his orders,” Norm explained.

  Unbelievable. These huge idiots had been following orders of a Sea Slug? Wait. A Sea Slug? The chances were slim, but…

  “Is his name Joe Pesci?” I asked.

  “How did you know?” Norm roared. “No one knows the name of the Great Kraken outside of our species.”

  “You’re leader is a dong,” I told him. “A good for nothing badonkadonk sniffer that made my brother and me have to take home ec three fucking times and we still flunked.”

  Norm stared at us in shock. It was time to go in for the metaphorical kill—so to speak.

  “Look Norm, I’m very aware that you have a foot issue. I might be able to help you with that, but if I do you can’t eat anymore fucking islands.”

  “And you can’t follow the orders of a dong sniffer anymore,” Kurt added.

  “You can stop the pain?” Norm whispered as huge tears the size of my entire body rolled down his punched in face.

  “Yep,” I said, hoping like hell I was telling the truth. Don Guido was small. I wasn’t sure I could help a creature this big, but I was certainly going to try. “Pain free, but you have to turn your bulbous, odiferous lives around. Today.”

  “You can help all of us?” he asked, sounding so much like a small child, I wanted to hug him. The only thing holding me back was his funky odor. Well, that and there was no way in Poseidon’s Seven Seas I could get my arms around him.

  “We’ll do the best we can,” I promised. “Do I have your word you will not eat the Mystical Isle and you’ll stop worshiping that grizzly fudge twig, Joe Pesci?”

  Norm looked to his comrades and they all nodded.

  “Good,” I said doing a few quick push ups to get my blood flowing. “And just so you know, I can put that pain right back times ten worse if you jackholes go back on your word.”

  “We can do that?” Kurt whispered.

  “No clue,” I muttered back. “It just sounds good.”

  “You’re fucking brilliant,” he said with a huge grin.

  “Hold that compliment until we’re done here, dude. I hope you say the same thing in about five minutes. Here goes nothing.”

  Together my brother and I touched each Kraken and let our energy flow through them. One by one, we removed the searing pain from the great beasts. The gasps of joyous and grateful surprise were only drowned out by one thing.

  Our laughter.

  “What the fuck?” Kurt screamed as he rolled around on the tiny island laughing his fool head off and slapping at his feet.

  “Forgot to tell you,” I wheezed out, laughing so hard I was sure I was going to hurl. “The side effect is that it’s ticklish.”

  “Holy shite,” he choked out as he fell into the ocean, unable to quell his hysterics. “This completely sucks butt.”

  “Agree,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes and punching myself in the head so I would stop laughing.

  No luck.

  “We are at your service now,” Norm said, no longer crying. “Are you all right Tar Stain?”

  “Fine,” I choked out, now only chuckling. “And by the way the name is Keith. Keith the Kraken Whisperer with the outstanding Johnson.”

  “And Kurt the Kraken Whisperer—the one who can boink for three days straight,” my brother yelled as his head popped out of the water.

  “We are indebted to you. Forever. There are more of us. Will you heal them too?” Norm asked.

  “We will, but with the same conditions. You feel me?” I asked, finally calming down.

  “We will take a rain check on the tea,” Norm said as the ocean came alive again and time rolled forward. “We must have a little chat with the Great Kraken, Joe Pesci. He is no longer our leader.”

  “Tell him the Keith and Kurt told him to fuck himself for lowering our already shitty grade point average,” I said, saluting my new friends.

  “Will do, Kraken Whisperer with the outstanding Johnson. Thank you.”

&nbs
p; With that the Krakens sank underneath the waves and swam away.

  “We did it,” I shouted and blew a kiss to my beautiful blue haired Mermaid.

  “I love you!” Joan squealed.

  “I love you more,” I shouted back.

  “Not possible,” she yelled.

  “You guys are gross,” Kurt said, crawling out of the ocean and punching me in the head.

  “Just wait, pompous crotch jockey. Your turn is coming,” I said, returning the favor and kicking his legs out from underneath him.

  “I sure as hell hope so,” he said wistfully.

  I sure as hell hoped so too. I’d never been so ridiculously happy in all of my three hundred years. I wanted the same for my brother.

  17

  Ariel

  “Is my Johnson fabulous or what?” Keith asked with a shit eating grin on his gorgeous face as he strutted around my bedroom in his birthday suit.

  “Your Johnson is fabulous,” I agreed with him as I flopped back on my bed with a very satisfied smile on my face.

  “Right?” he asked, admiring himself in my seashell framed mirror. “However, your rack beats my Johnson any day of the week. And I mean that. You’re knockers are a fucking work of art.”

  My true love was never going to be a poet, but I didn’t care—not one little bit. His words were appalling, but the sentiment was beautiful.

  We’d been holed up in my suite the entire day. Neither of us could wait a second longer. The sexual tension was so intense, I’d almost jumped him on the beach before we’d made it to the lodge. Thankfully I spotted Thornycraft, Bonar and Upton headed our way and I thought better of playing hide the Johnson in front of our paying human guests. Seeing Upton lick his nards had been enough trauma for our vacationing residents.

  Without saying hello to anyone, we’d hightailed it to my bedroom and got down to business. Kurt and Pirate Chronos had promised to bring everyone up to speed on the Kraken issue and that was more than fine with me.

  “May I tempt you with my Johnson… again?” Keith asked as he jumped on the bed and caged me with his big beautiful body.

  “You may,” I said with a giggle as I traced his dimples with my finger. “I didn’t know I could be this happy.”