Never the Bride

by Rene Gutteridge

  “I think I’ll give that back to You,” I whisper. “I want You to write the rest of my story.”

  twenty-seven

  He wasn’t joking when he said he came from a large family. I am standing in the middle of a nicely decorated living room. It’s modern and warm all at once. I see where Jonathan gets his love for architecture and home design.

  Swarming around me are people and children and pets. A parrot actually flies by. I feel like I’m the eye of the tornado as I watch it all. Coming toward me, like she is in complete command of this storm, is Jonathan’s mother. She is the picture of elegance, with perfectly bobbed hair, oversized earrings that offset her tiny frame, and a smile that is all tooth and gleam.

  “You must be Jessie,” she says, reaching toward me with a hand. I take it. It is smooth and soft, like she is much younger than she is, and it smells like cherries and almonds. That’s the same lotion my mother used to wear. “I am so delighted to finally meet you! Oh, you’re just a dream!”

  A more excitable and younger version of Jonathan’s mother is bouncing toward me, her shoulders lifting up and down. “I’m so excited to meet you! Jonathan’s told us a lot about you! We were all beginning to wonder if you really existed!” She pulls me into a hug. “I’m Laura, one of his sisters.”

  “And I’m Ruth, his mother. And this is our family. I hope we don’t scare you off!”

  “I love big families.” I smile, choking a little on my own emotion.

  “Come to the kitchen with me. I’ll pour you a drink and we can chat where it’s a little less noisy.” Ruth takes my hand and pulls me away from Jonathan, who smiles and nods.

  The kitchen is separated by two double doors, and strangely, it is very quiet. “Sweet tea? Seltzer water? Cola?”

  “Tea is fine. Thank you.”

  “Only adults are allowed in the kitchen. Love all those munchkins, but they can be a wild group. We had to set some boundaries when they all came along, so they’re not allowed in here. This is our quiet spot.”

  “Your kitchen is lovely,” I say, taking in the large center island, the enormous stove and fridge, and the window that looks out onto an acre of gardens and fountains. Right over the sink, I spot a framed picture, and it takes my breath away.

  Ruth looks at me. “Are you all right?”

  “Yes, yes. Fine.” I pick up the frame. It’s him. It’s him! It’s my imaginary friend who used to follow me around when I was a kid.

  Ruth looks over my shoulder. “That’s my Jonathan. Isn’t he a doll?”

  I clutch the frame. “I feel like I’ve known him my whole life.”

  “That’s what he said about you.”

  I carefully set the picture down. “How old was he in that picture?”

  “Nine.”

  The kitchen doors burst open, and kids flood in like a levee broke.

  Ruth smiles tolerantly. “Well, sometimes boundaries are meant to be broken.”

  The little ones tug at my hand. “Jessie! Jessie! Come out here!” The big ones are jumping up and down.

  “What is it?” I ask them as they guide me out of the kitchen.

  “You’ll see,” says a little girl with her hair tied up in ponytails. “We have something for you!”

  “Maddie, hush. Don’t say anything else,” an older boy says, catching my eye. “She sometimes talks too much.”

  I look down at Maddie. “I have that problem too.” She smiles, and she’s missing two front teeth.

  I have now been guided to the center of the living room. Jonathan is leaning casually against a bookcase, seemingly having fun watching all this chaos. A wall of children are standing in front of the coffee table, their hands clasped behind their backs, all wearing mischievous smiles.

  “What’s going on, you cuties?” I ask them. They all look at Jonathan.

  “Just a little gift to make you feel welcome,” he says.

  The kids part, and sitting on the glass table are two large glass containers of M&M’s. I can’t help but laugh. “Oh my! What is this, the twelve-pound bag?”

  Maddie says, “Jonathan says you love chocolate! Except he says you swell up like a—”

  Jonathan holds up a hand. “Juuusst trying to paint a complete picture of you to my family.” He smiles and shrugs.

  I laugh and pick up one of the containers. “So these are for me? I am going to bloom into ten cows!”

  Jonathan approaches me and puts a hand around my waist. “Do you know what today is?”

  “Obviously it’s my lucky day!” I say eying the M&M’s. I’m drooling.

  “We’ve been dating three months.”

  “Oh. Yeah. That.” I laugh. “It’s actually been three months and eleven hours.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So, is chocolate the gift for that kind of anniversary? Seems so extravagant.”

  He pulls me near. “You can’t help it, can you?”

  “What?”

  “You can’t keep your eyes off the chocolate.”

  I kiss his cheek. “But you’re a very close second, babe.”

  “Well, I suppose it’s not nice to give you the chocolate and then not let you eat it.”

  The little boy with glasses looks transfixed. “If you swell real big, can we call you Puff Daddy?”

  “Sounds a little masculine,” I say, scooping a few. “How about Powder Puff?”

  “Oooh! Yes!” says the little girl with the pixie cut. “That sounds like a cool superhero name too.”

  I start to throw a few in my mouth when a little hand grabs my arm. “Wait!”

  “What?” I ask, looking at her cherub face.

  “You should read it first.”

  “Read what?”

  “The M&M. It has instructions on it.”

  “Melts in my mouth, not in my—” It’s teeny tiny writing. White block letters. I hold it up, hoping for better light. “No!”

  “No?” Jonathan asks, his face dropping.

  “No, not no! Not no! No, I just can’t believe it! That kind of no!” I stare at the two words on the M&M’s: MARRY ME

  “So…is that ayes?”

  I throw the M&M’s in my mouth and jump into his arms. “Yews! Yews!” I manage to swallow. “Yes!”

  He kisses me on the cheek, then on the lips, and everyone in the living room applauds. Everyone except two little guys who are apparently very grossed out by the idea of kissing. I give them a quick wink. “Grab some M&M’s. It’ll help.”

  Jonathan slides a ring onto my finger. It is simple, delicate, with three tiny diamonds.

  “Perfection.” I wipe my tears.

  “Really?” He looks relieved. “It’s a little intimidating asking a woman to marry you who dreams up these amazing marriage proposals for a living.”

  I hug him tightly. “At the end of the day, it’s all about heart. You’ve just made me the happiest woman on earth.”

  “Your ears are, um…”

  “They’re turning bright red, aren’t they?”

  “Very Rudolph-like.”

  “What can I say? They’re happy too. Mostly about the chocolate, but they like you also.”

  Jonathan holds my hand tightly. “I have one more surprise for you.”

  “I don’t know if my histamines can take it.”

  He laughs. “You are so hilarious. Come on.” He guides me through the house with the entire family following us. We end up on the back porch. And I spot her immediately. She is walking through the grass toward us. I look at Jonathan, tears spilling from my eyes. “I knew you’d want her here,” he says.

  I run down the steps of the deck and wrap my arms around Brooklyn. We hold each other for a long moment. She whispers, “I am so happy for you. You deserve all of this.”

  “I love you, Sis.”

  “I love you too.” She takes my hand. “Come on. I hear there’s fine chocolate somewhere!”

  It is late at night. Brooklyn and I are finally home after spending the entire day at Jonathan’s famil
y’s house. My cheeks suffer one spasm after another because I can’t stop smiling. In the dim light of the kitchen, I can’t take my eyes off my ring. I try to imagine what Mom and Dad would’ve thought of it.

  “Here.” Brooklyn has come back into the kitchen. I didn’t even hear her. She slides a piece of paper toward me.

  “What’s this?” I look at it. It’s a check for ten thousand dollars. “Brook!”

  “For your wedding. I’m the last person on God’s green earth who’s ready to get married.”

  “I can’t take your—”

  “Shut up. Let me do this. There’s gotta be some benefit to giving up your entire young life to raise a blond, bratty sister.”

  “You are not a brat. Most of the time. And there’s a lot more to you than just hair. I’m sorry I—”

  “It’s all right. And let me do this. I mean, I do get the condo, because you, my sis, are finally getting a real house with your own master bedroom.”

  I squeal with excitement. I’m a squealer now. “I know. I know!”

  “With a queen bed and a hot guy in it. But first, you gotta let me tweeze your eyebrows.”

  twenty-eight

  I have imagined this day for nearly my entire life. It’s better than anything I ever could’ve written. I swear harp music is playing through my head. And seriously I feel a light breeze through the chapel, like a heavenly wind. I’ve spent the morning with Brooklyn, Malia, and Nicole, getting ready. Brooklyn has the magic touch. My hair is stunning. And I never knew makeup could do so much good.

  We are all standing around in the room used for changing, waiting for the wedding planner to tell us it’s time. “Hey,” I tell the girls, “can I have a moment alone?”

  Brooklyn eyes me. “You’re not going to sneak chocolate, are you? It’s too risky right now. Wait, you’re not having cold feet, are you?”

  “Not at all. Are you kidding me? I just want some time to reflect. To settle. This is my last moment as a single woman.”

  “You gonna miss any of it?” Nicole asks me.

  “No. I don’t think so. But it’s a strange feeling to work toward something your whole life and then achieve it. There’s sort of a blank slate in front of me now. I’ve never dared to dream beyond this day.”

  Brooklyn smirks. “You’re too deep for me, Sis. But yeah, take some time. We’ll be spying on the men.”

  Brooklyn and Nicole walk out, but Malia stays for a moment. “Hey. I just want to make sure you’re okay, that you haven’t changed your mind about walking alone down the aisle. You know Blake would be more than happy to do that for you.”

  “I know. He’s a sweetheart for volunteering. But no. I’ve been doing this on my own for so long, it’s okay. I can get there myself. Besides, I don’t want a stand-in. I want the real thing.”

  Malia squeezes my hand. “What are you going to do, having someone to take care of you from now on?”

  “Weird, huh?”

  “Good.”

  “Yeah. Good.”

  “Okay. I’ll leave you to your thoughts. You look stunning.”

  She walks out, quietly shutting the door behind her. I turn, staring into the long oval mirror before me. Organza drapes over the beaded lace. I wasn’t sure I could wear an empire waist, but it creates a perfect line around me. The chapel train is drawn up beautifully.

  Petite daisies seem to bloom from my hair. And they’re layered throughout my dress too. The designer created a masterpiece. Somehow I’ve managed to not look like a walking garden. I pick up my bouquet and practice holding it at the exact right level. I smile into the mirror and try to remember that I need to smile at my guests as I walk down the aisle. But I have a feeling I’m only going to have eyes for him.

  Something catches my attention in the mirror. I whirl around, grabbing my dress like I might need to protect it. Behind me stands an old man. I feel frightened until I look into His bright blue eyes. Underneath the slightly crusty very old appearance, two eyes dazzle and dance with life. Peace engulfs me. I would recognize Him anywhere now.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “Hi.”

  “You’re not borrowing Jonathan’s face anymore, I guess?”

  “No.”

  “Nice face you got there.”

  “I am an artisan.”

  I step closer. “And you’re dressed in a formal white tuxedo. Now that’s more like the God we all imagine, you know?”

  “I know.”

  I feel kind of shy, for some reason. “So I wasn’t sure I’d be seeing You around anymore.”

  “I’m always near. Remember that.”

  “I will.”

  He comes over and touches my hand. “I thought maybe you’d like someone to walk you down the aisle. A father, perhaps?”

  “You want to give me away today?”

  “Like a father should.” He grins. “You don’t want a stand-in, do you? You want the real thing.”

  I feel emotion tickling my insides. “It would mean the world to me.”

  “Just remember, I’m sharing you. Don’t forget about Me.”

  “I don’t know how to thank You. There’s not even a way to thank You. I could never have written this for myself.”

  “I know that too.”

  “When my parents died, a part of me died too. I didn’t know if I could ever find happiness.” I wink at Him. “You’re a great writer.”

  “I have good material to work with.”

  “So,” I say, wiping a tear that is threatening to drop down and ruin my makeup, “any last tidbits of wisdom?”

  “Yeah.” I see sadness in His eyes.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “These are not the last words I’m going to speak to you, but they are the last ones I will speak to you like this. Do you understand?”

  I don’t know if I understand.

  “You’re the bride. He’s the groom. You represent a lot to me. More than you know. You see, I have this dream. A dream a lot like yours, about a day when My Bride will come to Me. The day I will be the beloved Groom. A day when everything that is set right in heaven will be set right on earth.”

  The tears drop. I can’t help it. I never imagined Him having a dream, a dream that hasn’t been fulfilled. “You make a great groom.”

  God holds my hand and covers it with His other. “My voice will be quiet, like a breeze inside your soul. You will have to listen hard. You will have to shut out all the other voices.”

  I nod.

  “Today is a great day for you. But not all your days ahead will be great. There will be times Jonathan’s going to make you angry.”

  I open my eyes wide. “But You picked him for me.”

  “Yes, but you’ll wonder what in the world I was thinking. Jonathan never wipes off countertops, you know”

  I smile.

  “There will be times you won’t understand his choices, what he’s doing, why he’s doing it.”

  I stare at the floor, shaking my head. “Like You. That’s what you were teaching me, huh?”

  “You’ll wonder why you fell in love with him to begin with. But you’ll stay because you’ll know it’s right and you’ll know it’s real. And you will have learned to love unconditionally.”

  “That’s why You were so annoying!” I give Him a wry grin. “And I mean that in the most affectionate way possible.”

  God lets go of my hand and opens the door for me. “I like to think of it as engaging. Pun intended.”

  I walk through the doorway. “You know, it doesn’t escape my notice that this could have happened a lot sooner had I not gotten in Your way.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re gloating.”

  “I’m not. I just enjoy being right. It happens a lot.”

  I feel that breeze again, the one I felt in the chapel. “You were there, weren’t You, when Mom and Dad met. Did You do the borrowing-of-the-whole-face thing?”

  “Things never happen the same way twice.”

  I s
hake my head, wondering if I’ll ever get this down. “One last question: can You at least tell me if they’re okay?”

  “They’re more than okay.” He looks at his watch. “It’s almost time for Me to walk you down that aisle.”

  “Will they see You?”

  “Yes. They will see Me in you and Jonathan and your love for each other and others.”

  The girls see me and rush over. “It’s time! It’s time!” says Brooklyn.

  “All of you look so beautiful,” I say. “Thank you for being here with me on this day. And all the days leading up to this. I don’t know where I would be without all of you.” I glance behind me and don’t see Him.

  Malia takes my hand. “Let’s get you married.”

  We trail into the small foyer that leads into the sanctuary. The doors are closed. Two men in tuxedos, Jonathan’s friends, stand by each door, ready to open on cue. I hear the music play. My eyes swell with tears. I can’t believe, after all this time, it’s my time and my day and my life.

  I watch Malia, the first bridesmaid, walk down the aisle in a deep purple bridesmaid dress. Okay, yes, and matching shoes. I couldn’t resist. Then Nicole. Brooklyn takes her place and looks back at me, grinning. “You are beautiful.” Tears stream down her face. “And I don’t mean just on the outside.” She then turns and walks, her head held high, proud to be my maid of honor.

  The doors close so the crowd can’t see me yet. Jonathan’s two friends smile admiringly at me. I look to my right. I know He will be there. And He is, standing stoic in His white tuxedo. “This is it.”

  He nods. “This is it.”

  I feel His gentle arm at my elbow, guiding me as the two men open the doors for me. I step forward, right into the doorway. Most everyone is still watching Brooklyn as she makes her way to the front, but near the back is Blake. Alone? I smile brightly at him, and he smiles back, but with a hint of sadness. Perhaps he knows that I have a new best friend and new person to fill my heart. I want to rush to him, hug him, tell him to trust God. But I feel a nudge.

  “Well? What are you waiting for?”

  He knows that I never intended to run down this aisle. Nope. I was going to walk, take my time, make the guy wait.