Can't Forgive You (Second Chance Diaries Book 2)

by Emma Vikes

  “Logan?” My voice echoed throughout the house, seemingly bouncing throughout the quiet room.

  When I reached the kitchen, I spotted him sitting by the counter, a box right in front of him. I recognized the box and my heart dropped to my stomach. Even without seeing the label of Amy’s name in bold letters, I knew the contents it held. The box contained most of Amy’s things when she was an infant.

  When I was pregnant with Amy, there had been several random moments when I would consider contacting Logan. It was like a random burst of energy that would force me to pick up the phone and dial his number from memory. But each time, I came to my senses and didn’t go through with it. Other times though, I would sit down and write a letter.

  I threw out most of the letters but there was one that I kept. I figured I could give that letter to Amy when she asked about her father. I wouldn’t give it to her for her to read but to give to Logan, so he would believe her. At that time, I never imagined there would come a day when my path with Logan would cross again.

  I was screwed.

  “Logan,” I said slowly, trying my best to remain calm despite the fact the churning anxiety in the pit of my stomach was coiling into a ball, “I can explain.”

  Logan pursed his lips and leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at me with a steady green gaze. “You better do a fucking good job at explaining why you kept my child from me, Olivia.”

  I blinked, moving forward and setting the takeout on the table. I took a seat across from him and put my hands together. Whatever effort I made to ease my mind off of our conversation last night and prioritize Julija’s decision to settle went down the drain. I’d always known there would come a day when Logan would know the truth.

  But I’d always imagined that it would be far into the future and I never wanted to think about what to say when confronted for an explanation. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I wanted to tell you but at that time…” I let my voice trail off and I saw the hurt in his eyes when he understood what I meant.

  “At that time, I decided to break up with you?” The exasperation in his tone was clear. “Olivia, you could’ve chased after me and told me the truth! Or you could’ve come out of the blue to tell me that you were carrying our child!”

  “And then what?” I whispered, my eyes shining with tears, remembering the fears I had at that time. “You’d stay with me and we’ll raise Amy together? You’d work your ass off to provide for our little family?”

  “You know that I would’ve done that in a heartbeat.”

  I looked away. It was something I had known at that time. I knew knowing about Amy would’ve changed Logan’s mind. Logan may have been a heartbreaker but he wasn’t irresponsible. But there was this possibility that always nagged me at the back of my mind. Logan could stay with us but I knew he would still want to reach for his dreams. “Even if it costs you your dreams?”

  The pain in his eyes was evident when he looked away. “I would’ve moved mountains and valleys for my child, Olivia. Even if I had to take care of the two of you, I would’ve figured out a way to reach the dreams I’ve always had.”

  I swallowed hard. “You’re not even a hundred percent sure about that.”

  He scoffed and got out of the chair, pacing the room, running a hand through his hair over and over. “So what? Did you decide to choose for me? What, Olivia? Did you decide that since I broke your heart, I wasn’t man enough to be a father?”

  “You weren’t even man enough to stay and commit.” I said the words without even realizing the weight of it and how he would take it.

  Logan stopped pacing and stared at me. My words stung and hurt him. They broke his heart in the same way he’d broken mine. “So you did it out of revenge?”

  I jumped out of my seat, hastily correcting that, “No! God, no, Logan! Of course not! I just…I thought…I meant what I said in the letter! I didn’t want the day to come that you would turn your back on Amy and me to reach for the things you wanted! I didn’t want you to break her heart!”

  Logan closed his eyes and then slowly sank to the floor. He sat with his knees pulled close to his chest and his back resting against the cupboards under the sink.

  When he opened his eyes, the pain in them broke my heart. I’d never seen Logan as vulnerable and raw as he was in this moment, the hurt written all over his face.

  “I deserved the truth, Olivia. I lost nine years with Amy because you were afraid of a stupid ‘what if’,” he said the words so quietly.

  The truth behind them echoed to every crevice of my being.

  My tears wouldn’t stop falling and my heart throbbed in pain. Not once did I ever consider the weight of my decision. I only thought I was doing both of us a favor. I thought I could spare Amy from heartache. I never realized I was putting her into heartbreak too, by withholding the chance of her knowing her father.

  It was a perspective I’d never considered until now and it felt like it sucker-punched me. I’d always assumed I was doing the right thing for everyone. Only now did it occur to me that I was only doing the right thing for myself. I had been selfish, not just with Logan but with Amy too. I withheld her the right of knowing who her father was when I could’ve given that information freely.

  “Logan…” I called out his name but he refused to look at me. I knew that it might not mean anything anymore but it was the only thing I knew to say. “I’m sorry.”

  When he looked at me, he seemed to have shared his pain with me and I could feel it. The pain over the years that he lost with Amy and the chance to be a father to her. I had robbed him of that opportunity.

  I wanted to say more to ease what he felt but I didn’t know the right words.

  Logan looked down, burying his face into his knees.

  When his shoulders began to shake, the sight of him crying broke my heart even more. I felt helpless as I watched him grieve the lost time he had with his daughter. Not sure whom I should blame this for.

  I was still crying when we both heard a car pull into our driveway.

  Then, the front door opened and Amy came bustling in the house. “Mom! Logan! I’m home! Coach canceled the afternoon practice!” she called out from the hallway.

  I tried to wipe the tears from my face. “We’re in the kitchen, slugger!” I tried to bring some cheer into my voice but I couldn’t mask it.

  Logan pulled himself up and dusted himself off, smoothing his expression into a blank one.

  Amy reached the kitchen and looked at the two of us with inquisitive hazel eyes. “Hello.” Caution and uncertainty rang in her voice.

  I tried to flash her a smile but I think it might’ve looked more like a grimace.

  Amy didn’t seem to notice as she approached us. “I’m starving! Do we have lunch? Oh, Logan, here’s your money. I didn’t get to use it.”

  As Amy approached Logan, he could only stare at her.

  My heart raced in anxiousness. If Logan blurted out to Amy that he was her father, I would even be more at lost than I was right now. It was one thing to explain the truth to Logan but it would be another to explain it to Amy. She was still young but she was old enough to be hurt.

  I promised myself I would never hurt her.

  Logan flashed her a small smile, one that didn’t even meet his eyes as he pushed her hand away a little. “I told you that it’s yours. You don’t have to give it back just because you didn’t use it, Em.”

  Amy was peering at him curiously, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

  I’d always admired Amy for being smart but there were moments when I wished she wasn’t so quick-witted. “Did you two fight?”

  A moment of silence passed between the three of us.

  I approached Amy and placed my hands on her shoulders. “Why don’t you go change and we’ll have lunch?” I wanted to pretend nothing was wrong even when that wasn’t entirely the case.

  Amy remained immovable as she stared at Logan and then back at me. “You were crying
too.”

  I swallowed, unsure of what to say. “It’s…it’s nothing, sweetie.”

  But Amy knew that I was hiding something. She turned to Logan, thinking she could pry the answer out of him. “Logan?”

  His face remained blank as he ran a hand through his hair. “I should go.”

  His announcement was sudden and it took me by surprise.

  “What? You said you were staying for the weekend!” Amy sounded upset when she said it.

  The hurt in her voice took another shattered piece of my heart and broke it even more.

  Logan looked at her.

  I could tell he was trying his best to compose himself. A part of me knew what he was trying to do and I felt grateful for his consideration.

  “I’m sorry, Em. Something came up and I can’t stay anymore. I’ll…I promise that we’ll hang out again soon.” He glanced over at me when he said this but he no longer looked like he was asking for permission. It was more of a statement. She was his child and he no longer needed my permission to take her out or do anything with her. He wanted me to acknowledge his role in her life.

  Amy was pouting but nodded. “You promise?”

  Logan nodded and held up his pinky. Amy eagerly looped hers with his and they stamped their thumbs together. Then, Logan pulled her into him in a tight hug and closed his eyes as she buried his head in his shoulders, holding him tightly. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

  I inhaled sharply at his words.

  When they pulled away, Amy stared at him. “You already promised to spend time with me again. You don’t need to apologize, even more, Logan.”

  Logan tried to smile but it still didn’t reach his eyes. “I know. I just wanted to say it.” He stood and stared at me. I waited for him to speak but he didn’t. He was angry at me for keeping something as big as this from him and I deserved it.

  I deserved every bit of his anger. I had robbed him from being a father and I didn’t have the right to have him say anything to me.

  Amy had wandered upstairs.

  I took the box from the table and followed Logan into his room.

  He was packing his things hastily into a backpack. “Logan.”

  But Logan looked at me for a moment and then shook his head. He grabbed his things and pushed past me, heading straight to the front door.

  As I watched him leave, I felt like I was being hit with a wave of déjà vu, feeling my heart breaking the same way it did when Logan first turned his back on me.

  But this time around, he didn’t turn his back on me without any explanation.

  This time, he left because I broke his heart.

  18

  Logan

  “You look like a mess,” Colton commented as I sat up from the couch in his apartment. I wasn’t sure what happened last night. I remembered calling Colton and telling him that we should have a drink and that I would pay for it. After he arrived, I think I ordered both of us hard liquor and I might’ve blacked out right after that because I could no longer remember anything that happened.

  “What happened?” I asked, my voice groggy. My head kept pounding and I winced.

  Colton threw me something and then placed a glass of water on the coffee table. He sat on an armchair, his arms crossed over his chest as he regarded me carefully.

  I took the medicine and downed it with water, grimacing my headache.

  “You called me to come to meet you and have a drink with you. When I arrived, you ordered us a bottle of Jack Daniels and then you downed the entire thing,” Colton recounted with a frown, “I’d only drunk about three glasses and then you wouldn’t stop blubbering like an idiot.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle. I sniffed, noting that the room smelled like breakfast and when I looked at Colton, he nodded.

  He motioned for us to head to the kitchen “I didn’t want to give you another headache for my cooking, so I ordered McDonald's for breakfast.”

  I followed him while grinning. I took the one he offered me and began to scarf down the breakfast.

  Colton remained silent as I ate and he wasn’t even picking at his food.

  I paused and looked at him. “Are you that pissed that you had to take care of me? Don’t worry. I’ll buy you a bottle later and you can knock yourself out.”

  Colton lowered his fork and sighed, leaning back on his chair. “Don’t you remember anything?”

  I smirked at him. “No. As long as I didn’t do anything stupid, it doesn’t matter.”

  “You tried to call Liv.”

  I almost choked on my food at this statement. I tried to play it cool. Colton wasn’t thrilled when he found out that I broke it off with her. He almost punched me after he knew about it. He was so mad at me for breaking up with her, he didn’t talk to me for a week. But then he got over it and as much as I knew he hated me for breaking her heart, he didn’t dwell on it much longer.

  “Did…did I?”

  Colton shook his head. “No. I took your phone from you before you could. I don’t want you bothering her when you said you were done with her.”

  I wasn’t entirely sure how to accept that. It was a good thing Colton stopped me from calling Olivia. I didn’t want to land myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in. But then again, there was this part of me that wished he hadn’t stopped me. A part that missed Olivia and wanted her back despite the fear our relationship brought to me. “Thanks. Now, I owe you a bottle,” I said, smiling at him to ease the tension that seemed to surround us all of a sudden.

  But Colton was still staring at me.

  I knew he wasn’t done with the conversation as much as I hoped that he was.

  “You told me something when I took your phone for you. It was when you were begging me to give it back.”

  My blood ran cold with anxiety. “What did I say?”

  “You told me that you loved her.”

  It felt as if my whole world suddenly came to a stop. I stared at him. “I was drunk, Colton.”

  His eyes held such curiosity as he said, “And drunk people are the most honest ones.” He leaned closer to the counter, looking at me with wonder. “And you also said that you love her so much that you were scared of it. You couldn’t bear the intensity of your feelings so you had to get rid of it. But we can never get rid of what we feel, can we?”

  I scoffed and shook my head. “I was drunk and out of my mind. What I said didn’t mean anything. Besides, because I said that, would you let me get back together with her after you claimed that I shattered her heart?”

  Colton stared at me with a flicker of wonder in his eyes, a curiosity about something I couldn’t pinpoint what. It took him a while to answer my question and he shook his head slowly, a small and sad smile playing on his lips. “No, Logan. You’ve done enough damage to her. But a piece of advice that you might need in the future when the universe allows you to cross paths again, I hope you find your courage. I hope you find the courage to love her like she deserves because you’re gonna need it. You’re gonna need a lot of it.”

  The sunlight slipped through the drapes of the living room of my house and it was enough to force me to wake up. With a sigh, I tried to cover my eyes and bury my head under a throw pillow but it was no use. The pounding headache was hard to ignore and I knew I needed something to relieve the pain.

  With a sigh, I pulled myself slowly into a sitting position. The living room was a mess and it took me a while to find my phone. It had slid under the sofa and when I’d checked the time, I had about thirty minutes to myself before the housekeepers arrived. I sighed and rested my head against the couch, unable to force myself to get up and find medicine for relief.

  It took me nearly ten minutes to finally find the will to get up and head to the medicine box I had in the kitchen. I took out the bottle of aspirin and quickly downed it with water. I sat down on the counter, my head in my hands as I tried to straighten my thoughts. But the only thing that jumped out of it was the dream I had of Colton.

  It wasn
’t a dream. It had happened and I had just remembered the conversation we had at that time. It had been maybe seven months since Olivia and I broke up and Colton had just started to talk to me again after being mad for breaking Liv’s heart. But at that time, I always felt like Colton became wary around me like he was walking on eggshells.

  He knew.

  And he didn’t tell me. Maybe Olivia told him to keep it a secret or maybe he had the same conclusion about me as her. The thought made me angry. I hated that they thought I wouldn’t hold myself accountable for what I had done. I hated that they thought that I would suddenly stop raising my daughter, just so I could reach my goals.

  But what I hated most was that I understood why.

  The reason why I turned my back to Olivia was that what I felt for her might cause an issue with my goals. The possibility that I would choose her over my dreams was huge and I didn’t know what to do with that. It scared me so much that I decided to let her go. Olivia must’ve thought of the same thing.

  The idea that I would walk away from them scared her as much as the idea of me choosing love over dreams scared me.

  With frustration, I pulled at my hair. I could now hear the clicking of heels against the hardwood floor. When I looked up, I saw Clara glaring back at me with a scowl on her face.

  “I didn’t tell you that you could come back yet! I told you that I needed more time to smooth things over but what do you do?”

  I sighed. I knew that going back home wouldn’t be the wisest decision but I couldn’t stay with Olivia and Amy anymore, especially when I could barely control my emotions. It broke my heart to leave the way I did, especially when I saw the look in Amy’s eyes. I had disappointed her and what made it worse was the fact that I was her dad and I was disappointing her.

  I wished I could tell Clara about Amy but I knew now wasn’t the time. The case already filled a lot on her plate. I couldn’t add to it even more. Besides, telling her would require telling her about Olivia too and I wasn’t sure how she would handle that. Olivia was my lawyer and the last thing I wanted to happen was for an issue to arise to affect that.