by Louise Hall
“No,” Kian shook his head. “I knew I couldn’t stop her from leaving. I was just trying to make sure that she’d be OK.”
“If you hadn’t given her the money,” Cate said quietly, “maybe she wouldn’t have left?”
Kian hated seeing his wife in so much pain. “Yes, she would.”
He let go of her wrists and laid her down on the daybed, tucking the wedding quilt around their entwined bodies. “I know you’re hurt, angel,” Kian said softly. “It fucking hurt when you said that you didn’t want to use my name when you applied to university but I didn’t try and stop you because I knew that it was something you needed to do. Liv needs to do this, Cate. Even though it hurts a lot, you’ve got to let her go.”
CHAPTER 12
Kian chuckled as he held the car door open for Cate. She couldn’t stop looking at the sonogram picture they’d just been given at the doctor’s office.
“I feel like I should be more blasé about this,” Cate said, “since it’s our second child but I don’t know, there was always so much drama when I was pregnant with Lo that I didn’t really get chance to savour these little moments.”
“I get that,” Kian nodded.
“Look,” Cate laughed, showing him the picture again, “that’s our baby.”
“I know,” Kian smiled. He gently rubbed her belly over the top of her t-shirt, “and the doctor thinks that everything looks good.”
Before he could start the engine, Cate’s phone rang. She was still so obsessed with the sonogram that she didn’t check the caller ID before she answered. “Hello?”
“Cate?”
Cate quickly let go of the sonogram and it fluttered down to her knee. “Liv?” She reached across and tightly squeezed Kian’s hand. “Oh my goodness, where are you? Are you OK?”
It was the first time she’d spoken to her sister since she’d left.
“I’m OK,” Liv said quietly. “I’m not going to tell you where I am. I need to be on my own for a bit to figure things out but I don’t want you to worry about me, OK? I’m fine; I’ve got a job at a bakery and a place to stay.”
“So you’re going to be there for a while then?” Cate bit her lip, trying really hard not to cry. “You’re not coming home again any time soon?”
“I can’t,” Liv’s voice cracked.
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” Liv said, “but apart from you guys, there’s nothing left for me back in Manchester. I need to do this; I need a fresh start, Cate.”
Cate looked down at the sonogram again, “we had a scan today.”
“Is everything OK?” Liv asked tentatively. “Did you find out what you’re having?”
Cate squeezed Kian’s hand again, “the doctor thinks that everything looks OK so far. We didn’t find out the sex though; we’re going to wait until he or she is born like we did with Lo.”
“That’s good…”
“What do I tell Lola?” Cate asked, a huge lump forming in the back of her throat. “Every night she asks me when you’re coming home?”
“I’ve got to go,” Liv said quickly. “Tell her… tell her that I love her loads and I’ll call you both on Saturday.”
Before Cate could say anything else, Liv hung up the phone.
“Come here,” Kian said gently, holding her against him as she broke down in tears. “It’s OK, angel.”
“She isn’t coming home, Kian,” Cate sobbed. “I’ve lost her.”
Her tears had barely stopped when her phone rang again, it was her mum. “Ben’s just told me that Liv isn’t staying with you anymore.”
“That’s right. She left a few days ago.”
“Where’s she gone?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Irene shouted, forcing Cate to hold the phone away from her ear. “A couple of months ago she got so drunk that she almost burned down a church. We need to start calling the hospitals… Anything could have happened to her. I can’t believe you’re so calm about all of this.”
“I promise you the last thing I feel right now is calm,” Cate said. “I’ve just talked to her and she won’t tell me where she is but she says she’s OK, she’s got a job there and a place to stay.”
“That’s not good enough. She can’t just disappear like that. You should have demanded that she tell you where she was.”
“How was I supposed to do that, Mum?”
Kian could tell that Cate was getting really upset again so he took the phone from her and got out of the car so he could continue the conversation with Irene.
When he came back, Cate was still crying. “I was so happy when I first got in the car,” she said, looking again at the sonogram. “What kind of a messed up family am I bringing this new baby into?”
“Hey,” Kian tilted her head back so she had to look at him. “We’re this baby’s family, you, me and Lo and we’re not messed up, are we?”
“Well, you and Lo aren’t,” Cate attempted a joke.
Kian smiled, “you’re not messed up, angel and neither is Liv, she’s going through some stuff right now and she’s dealing with it the best way she knows how. I think that what happened at Ryan’s wedding was a huge wake up call for her; she’s not the same girl who got drunk on vodka and climbed on the back of Jax’s motorbike. Your mum was angry because she’s worried about her, that’s all.”
“Do you think that we should hire a private detective to find out where she is?”
“If I thought for even a second that she was in any real danger, I’d already have done it, angel.”
After they’d picked Lola up from school that afternoon, Kian drove them to the local nature reserve, Mill Lake. It was a particularly special place for Cate and Kian because it was where they’d had their first clandestine dates.
They’d brought a loaf of bread with them so that Lola could feed the ducks.
“Mummy, look!” Lola tugged on Cate’s hand as they got out of the car. “There’s some baby geese over there. Can we go and see them?”
“OK,” Cate said, “but not too close. The mummy geese are very protective of them.”
Lola was fascinated as they watched the young goslings, with their dark-green and yellow fluffy down, wobble about on their little legs.
After the bread was all gone, they left the geese alone, and walked along the pathway on the opposite side of the lake. “This is where Daddy used to woo Mummy,” Kian smirked as they passed their favourite bench.
“What’s wooing?” Lola asked.
“It’s how I got Mummy to like me,” Kian explained.
Cate leaned in close and whispered in his ear, “nope, that was your firm butt.”
He and Cate each held one of Lola’s hands and swung her high up in the air between them. “That was fun,” Lola giggled, “again.”
“Wow,” Cate marvelled as they stopped on the small bridge leading across to the tower. “I haven’t been here in the daytime in forever. I’d forgotten just how beautiful it can be.” The late afternoon sunlight glistened on the crystal-clear water gently tumbling down over the smooth rocks.
After they’d played endless games of pooh sticks, it was starting to get dark so they walked back along the pathway to the car park.
When they got home Kian decided that after all of the drama with Liv, Cate needed cheering up so he offered to make her favourite tofu po’ boys for tea.
“Ew,” Lola said as Kian removed the thick slab of firm tofu from the press. “That looks gross.”
Unlike Cate, Lola and Kian were both meat eaters.
“Hey, we don’t turn our cute, little button noses up at food in this house,” Kian said, ruffling Lola’s hair.
While he was washing the lettuce leaves and slicing the radishes, Lola helped Cate make the panko coating for the slices of tofu. “Oh my goodness,” Cate murmured as she opened up the bag of smoked paprika, “that smells amazing.”
“I like this one better,” Lola held up the jar of oregano
, “it smells like pizza.”
When they were ready, they sat at the kitchen counter to eat them. “What do you think?” Kian asked Lola after she’d taken a couple of bites.
“They’re really yummy,” she replied, licking a bead of mayonnaise from the side of her lip.
Cate laughed, “I’ll make vegetarians of the both of you yet.”
“Mummy?” Lola asked as she climbed into bed later that night. “When’s Auntie Liv coming home? I miss her.”
“I know, sweetie,” Cate kissed her daughter’s forehead. “But she’s having so much fun on her holidays that she’s decided to stay there for a little while.”
After Lola had gone to sleep, Cate and Kian tiptoed out of her room. “You didn’t tell Lo that Liv’s going to call you on Saturday?”
“I didn’t want to get her hopes up in case it doesn’t happen,” Cate shrugged.
After they’d finished cleaning up the kitchen, Kian asked Cate, “what do you feel like doing for the rest of the night?”
“I feel bad because you’ve given me such a perfect day today but I’m so tired, all I really feel like doing is getting into bed and going to sleep,” Cate said, trying really hard to stifle a yawn.
“Why would that make you feel bad, angel?” Kian slung his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head.
“You’ve been so amazing; you deserve some you know…” Cate blushed.
Kian laughed, “I didn’t do any of that to get sexual favours, you know. I did it because I’m your husband and I happen to like taking care of you.”
“I know but still…”
“Why don’t you go upstairs and get ready for bed and I’ll finish up down here?”
“OK.”
“Angel?” Kian said when Cate was halfway up the back stairs.
“Yeah?” she turned.
“I know we joke about it a lot and don’t get me wrong, I really fucking love having sex with you but going to sleep at night and waking up the next morning with you still in my arms is enough for me too.”
Cate smiled, “I love you.”
When Kian walked into the bedroom a few minutes later, Cate was stood in front of the mirror with her t-shirt bunched up underneath her breasts, looking at her swollen belly. “Do you think I’m carrying lower this time than I did with Lo? It’s supposed to mean we’re having a boy.”
Kian shrugged, “to be honest, your bump looks so fucking sexy that it makes me a bit of a Neanderthal, all I can think is “my woman, my baby.” He jokingly beat his chest.
“Just a bit of a Neanderthal, are you sure about that?” Cate teased.
“Hey, you love that about me.”
“I do,” Cate admitted. “So it’s your birthday next month and you still haven’t told me what you’d like.”
“I’ve got everything I need right here,” Kian came up behind her and gently rubbed her belly, “you, Lo and the new baby.”
“Ugh, that’s sweet but I still want you to have something to unwrap. It’s your birthday.”
Kian raised an eyebrow, “you could get me lingerie. I’d definitely enjoy unwrapping that.”
Cate laughed, “is there something you want to tell me?”
Kian smirked, “I think you already know how much I enjoy undressing you.”
Cate rolled her eyes, “seriously though, you are the worst to buy presents for.”
Kian chuckled, “says the woman who says, “oh, just an Amazon gift card will be fine” every birthday and Christmas.”
“Hey, I love my Amazon gift cards,” Cate giggled, climbing into bed.
Kian lifted up his arm so she could snuggle up against him. “How are you feeling about everything, you know with Liv and then your mum?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. I’m really glad she called; at least I know she’s safe. I want her to be happy, I really do but selfishly I’m going to miss her. When our families first found out that I was pregnant with Lo, Liv and your mum were the only ones still talking to me. When you and I were separated for those 6 months, I couldn’t have got through them without Liv. She’s always been there for me and now suddenly all I’m going to get is a phone call once a week just to check in.”
“It won’t be like that forever,” Kian tried to reassure her.
“How do you know?” Cate asked. “She didn’t sound like she wanted to come back to Manchester any time soon. She and Lola are so close, is this new baby even going to know who she is?”
CHAPTER 13
“You need to wake up, angel,” Kian tucked a loose strand of inky-black hair behind his wife’s ear. “They’re going to start arriving soon.”
There were no Premier League matches for the next ten days because of the international break and so Cate and Kian had decided to host a barbecue for their friends and family and invited Matteo Di Vela. Kian had quit playing for England after the debacle of the last World Cup.
Cate’s panic attacks were becoming much more frequent. She didn’t want anybody to know that they were getting worse so when she’d felt the start of another attack earlier that afternoon, she’d lied to Kian and said that she was going upstairs to have a nap before the barbecue.
She dragged herself out of bed and quickly changed into a red, knee-length dress, which was loose enough to hide her burgeoning bump. They’d only told their immediate families about the pregnancy so far – even though the specialists that they’d been to after Lola was born had all assured them that there was no reason why Cate couldn’t have a normal, healthy pregnancy this time around, she still wasn’t quite ready to tell Lola yet just in case anything happened.
Since they only had to walk across the courtyard, Ben and Erin were the first to arrive.
“Congratulations again,” Erin whispered as she gave Cate a hug. Cate wished that she could be more like her sister-in-law; she’d suffered through so many heartbreaking miscarriages but she wasn’t letting any of that sadness dim her excitement about being pregnant again.
After she’d made sure that Erin was settled with a glass of lemonade and some snacks, she surveyed the long, wooden table that they’d set up on the patio. “I think we might need more glasses.” Kian was on the other side of the patio setting up the barbecue.
Ben followed her inside the house, “do you need any help, sis?”
“I don’t know. I’m still kind of annoyed with you.”
Ben rolled his eyes, “what have I done now?”
“I totally saw that eye roll, you know,” Cate frowned. “I’m worried about Liv and I feel like if you hadn’t been so hard on her maybe she wouldn’t have taken off like that.”
“You know that’s ridiculous, right?” Ben insisted. “I mean, you heard what she said that night. Liv’s issues go a hell of a lot deeper than me just being pissed off that she wasn’t looking for another job.”
“I know but…”
“Is everything OK in here?” Erin asked. “Yoakey and Sara have just arrived.”
Since England’s two matches during the international break, against France and Belarus, were just friendlies, the manager saw it as an opportunity for him to look at some players who’d so far only been on the fringes of the England squad and so Yoakey hadn’t been called up this time.
“It’s fine,” Cate shrugged. “Thanks for letting me know.”
Later that night, after all of the other guests had gone home, Erin helped Cate carry the dishes from the patio back inside to the kitchen.
“Do you think Matteo enjoyed himself tonight?” Cate asked. “I really wanted him to relax and have a good time.”
She’d gone with Kian to watch Matteo play for the Rovers under-21s a couple of times and he definitely had that stereotypical fiery, Latin temperament out on the pitch so she hadn’t known quite what to expect when he’d first arrived at the house but off the pitch, he was completely different. He was quiet and respectful and she could tell how much he loved his family because his eyes lit up when he was talking about them. Like Cate, he was
the youngest of four children; with a brother and two sisters.
“I do,” Erin nodded. “He was a little shy to start with but then he seemed to come out of his shell. I think it’s really good that the manager asked Kian to look out for him.”
“I know, it shows just how far he’s come,” Cate nodded. Before she and Kian had started dating, he’d had a reputation as a bad boy footballer who appeared in the gossip pages almost as often as he did on the back pages of the newspaper. “I’m so proud of him.”
“Were you and Ben talking about Liv earlier?”
Cate sighed, “I know it’s not fair but I can’t help thinking that if Ben hadn’t had such a go at her about losing her job that maybe she wouldn’t have left.”
“I know it’s not really my place but I think maybe you need to cut Ben some slack. I know that you and Liv think that Ben and Remy had it easier in a way because they were older when your biological father left but that’s not true. Your mum is the most amazing woman, I’m seriously in awe of everything that she’s achieved but boys needs their dads and from the age of five, Ben didn’t have that. He was only a little boy but he had to become the man of the house.”
“I guess.”
“Do you remember what a big shock it was when Eamon died and Kian had to step up and look after Jean and Sinead? Ben’s had to do that since he was just five years old. I think the reason he got so angry with Liv is because he’s worried about her – he feels like it’s his job to protect you, Liv, Remy and Irene.”
“I never really thought about it like that.”
At her appointment the next morning, Cate mentioned the conversation she’d had with Erin to India. “What do you think about that?” India asked.
“I guess I feel bad,” Cate admitted, “because I’ve always thought of Ben as being this normal, straightforward kind of guy, you know like not having a dad around while he was growing up wasn’t really that big of a deal to him.”
“My other sister, Remy, she’s always been super-tough and it makes me wonder if that had something to do with our biological father too. She has the most memories of him out of all of us but she never, ever talks about him.”
