by Louise Hall
“What about you?” India asked. “How do you think your biological father leaving affected you?”
Cate drummed her fingernails on the arm of the sofa. “Shouldn’t we be talking about my panic attacks?”
“You don’t think that there’s any correlation between the two things?”
“No, I’ve dealt with my feelings about my…” Cate gritted her teeth, “biological father. That’s over with now.”
“How did you do that?”
“Whenever I start to think about him, I picture putting those thoughts in a sturdy metal box and locking it up with a big, chunky padlock.”
“So you avoid them?”
“Why would I volunteer to think about a man who left his pregnant partner and their three young children?”
“I think your panic attacks are trying to tell you something, Cate.”
“Yes, they’re trying to tell me that I had a really traumatic experience giving birth to Lola and I’m terrified that it’s going to happen again.”
“OK,” India checked her watch. “Time’s up for today.”
“Ugh,” Cate frowned, “I know you’re my boss but I really hate it when you do that.”
“I’m not your boss when we’re in here; I’m just your therapist.”
“How did your appointment go this morning?” Kian asked when they were getting ready for bed that night.
“It was confusing.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm, India’s got this really strange idea that my panic attacks might have something do with my biological father leaving.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Kian shrugged, pulling back the duvet.
“What?” Cate spluttered.
“You don’t need to look at me like that,” Kian smiled, “I’m just saying that there’s a lot of similarities between the feelings you’ve got about your biological father leaving and your panic attacks. I’ve told you a thousand times that it’s bullshit but I know deep down that there’s still a small part of you that believes that it’s your fault that your biological father left, like you weren’t good enough. I think that’s why you try so hard to please everybody because you feel like you’ve got to make up for it somehow.”
Cate sat down on the bed, “I hate that. I hate that somebody I’ve never even met has that much power over me.”
“The panic attacks that you’ve had have always been about the same thing, haven’t they? You don’t think that you’ll be enough. You didn’t think that you’d be a good enough mum to Lo and now with this new baby, you’re worried that you won’t be able to give birth safely.”
“Come here,” Kian tucked her into his side. “I’m sure the feminist in you is probably going to want to smack me about the head when you hear what I’m about to say next. I know I’m perpetuating loads of stereotypes but for me, a mum’s job is to love and nurture their child and a dad’s job is to make them feel safe and secure. Irene did the most incredible job bringing the four of you up all on her own but you never had the security of a dad and Erin’s right, you’ve each dealt with that in your own ways. Remy is one of the toughest people I know. Ben wants to try and protect you all. Liv…”
“She genuinely believes that she’s the reason why he left, like deep down in her DNA she’s never going to be good enough,” Cate said sadly.
“And you think that you’ve got to be perfect to make up for the fact that…”
“If it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have left.”
CHAPTER 14
“So…? Sara raised an eyebrow, “have you got something you’d like to tell me, Cate Warner?”
They were stood in the players’ lounge, waiting for their husbands to join them after a hard-fought victory against Southampton.
Cate tapped her finger on her lips, “I don’t think so, nope.”
“Come on,” Sara pleaded, “I can tell from your husband’s proud swagger that he’s knocked you up again.”
“Sara,” Cate frowned.
“Mummy,” Lola asked, “what does “knocked up” mean?”
“It means that she’s going to have a baby,” Noah said.
Lola looked up at her with wide eyes, “you’re going to have a baby? When?”
“Not right now, sweetheart,” Cate smiled, “but in a few months, you’re going to have a little baby brother or sister, yeah.”
“You made my wish come true,” she hugged Cate, “thank you Mummy.”
“I’m so sorry,” Sara nudged Cate, “I didn’t realise that you hadn’t told Lola yet.”
“It’s OK,” Cate said, “I hadn’t exactly planned on telling her that she was going to be a big sister in the middle of the players’ lounge at Rovers Stadium but as long as she’s OK with it, that’s all that really matters.”
“To be fair, she took it a heck of a lot better than Noah did,” Sara gestured to her young son, “he just sat there in total silence looking completely horrified at Jack and me. It was really freaky.”
Matteo was the first of the players to come into the lounge. “Hi Cate,” he made a beeline for where they were stood, clearly relieved to see some familiar faces.
“Hi,” she gave him a hug, “you did amazing today. Your parents are going to be so proud.”
His parents couldn’t travel easily because his dad had been confined to a wheelchair ever since he’d damaged his spine in a car accident when Matteo was just eleven years old.
“Hey,” Kian came up and joined them, “you think just because you’re a first-teamer now that you can move in on my wife, Di Vela?”
“No, I was just…” Matteo stuttered.
“Relax,” Cate patted his arm, “he’s just teasing you.”
“Seriously though, you had a good game today, man,” Kian nodded at his young team-mate. “I still think that you should have crossed the ball to me instead of trying to score in the 70th minute.”
Matteo nodded, “I know.”
“Daddy, I’m going to have a baby brother,” Lola announced.
“Are you now?” Kian raised his eyebrows at Cate.
“Sorry,” Sara interjected, “that was totally my fault.”
“I think we should take Matteo out to celebrate,” Cate suggested. He’d made his first-team debut today and he didn’t have anybody to celebrate with him.
“You didn’t take me out to celebrate when I made my first-team debut,” Kian mock-pouted.
Cate giggled, “I was twelve. Would you have wanted to celebrate with a Happy Meal at McDonald’s?”
“Yeah, I guess that might have been a bit inappropriate.”
“I think we went to Nando’s to celebrate Jack making his debut,” Sara said, “the cheeky bugger forgot his wallet so I had to pay. It’s a good job I’m not with him for his money.” She looked up as the door opened again, “speak of the devil.”
“Hey there, gorgeous,” Yoakey wrapped his arm around Sara’s waist and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Daddy,” Noah tugged on Yoakey’s hand, “Miss Cate’s knocked up just like Mummy.”
Sara winced and Cate blushed as a few of the other players and their families turned around and stared at them.
“I think that’s our cue to get out of here,” Kian said. “Where do you want to go?” he asked Matteo.
“I don’t mind,” Matteo shrugged.
“You should all come back to ours,” Yoakey suggested. “I haven’t whipped your asses in pool for a while.”
Sara frowned, “unlike you two old-timers, Matteo might want to go out into Manchester tonight and take advantage of his newfound fame with the ladies.”
“Yeah, I’m not really into the whole groupie thing. I like more normal girls.”
“Good luck with that,” Yoakey slapped him on the back so hard he spluttered. “You’re a professional footballer, mate.”
“How did you two meet your wives then?” he asked Kian and Yoakey
Kian chuckled, “I met Cate in the maternity ward, I think she was maybe a cou
ple of hours old at the time.”
“It always sounds really creepy when you say it like that,” Cate frowned. “He was only five by the way.”
“I met Sara at primary-school,” Yoakey grinned. “She used to sit in front of me and every time she turned around, she’d smack me in the face with her braids and one day I got so annoyed that I hid some scissors in my desk and the next time she did it, I chopped a couple of them off.”
“I was so angry, I challenged him to a fight in the school playground and when I had him pinned to the ground – because even at six, I had some serious moves,” Sara continued, “he kissed me.”
“Look at those two,” Yoakey gestured towards Lola and Noah, who were huddled together, looking at Noah’s games console. “When they’re older, they’ll be able to say, we met because our daddies both played for Manchester Rovers.”
“Not happening,” Kian frowned.
Cate laughed. “Yoakey’s absolutely convinced that Lola and Noah are going to fall in love and get married one day.”
“Hey,” Yoakey pouted, “what’s wrong with my boy?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Kian scowled, “but my little girl isn’t dating until she’s at least 35.”
“Yeah, right,” Yoakey laughed, “we’ll see about that. Mr “I met my wife in the maternity ward when she was just a few hours old”.”
“Well, that’ll set the tongues wagging,” Sara teased as she and Cate walked on either side of Matteo from the tunnel across the forecourt to the player’s car park. Kian and Yoakey were following close behind with Noah and Lola.
There were lots of flashes as the Rovers fans waiting behind the metal barriers took photos of the players leaving the stadium.
When Cate looked back, Lola was stood quietly by Kian’s side while he signed autographs, completely unfazed by all the noise and bright lights. She’d only ever known her daddy as a professional footballer. Whereas Cate didn’t think that she’d ever get used to all the attention. When they were at home, it was so easy to forget that Kian had such a high-profile job.
“Look at you, you’ve only just made your debut,” Sara teased Matteo, “and you’ve already got two gorgeous, young ladies on your arm.”
“Are you trading me in for a younger model already, Sara?” Yoakey teased, catching up with them in front of Kian’s Range Rover.
“Maybe.”
“Who do you want to ride with, man?” Yoakey asked Matteo, twirling his car keys around his finger.
“I was thinking Cate could come with me and Lola and Noah could ride with you three boys,” Sara suggested.
“No way, I see enough of these two ugly mugs at work all day,” Yoakey protested but Sara had already snatched the keys out of his hand and jumped into the driver’s seat of his brand-new silver Bentley.
“Shotgun,” Matteo chuckled, sliding into the front passenger seat of Kian’s car.
“Aw man,” Yoakey grumbled as he folded his large body into the backseat with Noah and Lola.
“See you at home boys,” Sara waggled her fingers at them.
“I’m so sorry about outing you back there,” she said to Cate when they were stuck in traffic. “I didn’t even think that you might not have told Lola yet.”
“It’s OK,” Cate shrugged. “I’m probably being paranoid but after what happened last time… I don’t want her to get too excited, just in case.”
“Oh sweetheart, you can’t think like that,” Sara patted her hand.
“I know,” Cate could feel another panic attack just bubbling below the surface. She rolled the window down a little to get some fresh air.
They drove past a stall selling Rovers merchandise and she could see a navy-blue and white flag with Kian’s image printed on it fluttering in the breeze.
“Do you ever worry about what it’s going to be like for Noah when he grows up, like will he always be compared to his dad?”
“I guess,” Sara cocked her head to the side, thinking it over. “I suppose it’s inevitable that there would be comparisons with Jack if Noah decided that he wanted to become a professional footballer when he’s older. There would be a lot of pressure on him to be as successful as his dad but at least he’d have Jack there as somebody who’s been through it all to help him deal with it. Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, the boy is football-crazy right now but who know what’s going to happen several years from now?”
“Would you want him to be a professional footballer like Jack?”
“I know it’s a cliché but I just want him to be happy,” Sara said. “What’s with all the questions, hon?”
“We’re not going to find out for sure until they’re born just like we did with Lo,” Cate said, “but I’ve got this really strong feeling that we’re having a boy this time. After seeing all those people waiting outside the stadium just now, it suddenly dawned on me that if we do have a boy, they’ll be Kian Warner’s son. It’s different with Lo; she’s a girl so nobody’s going to expect her to be a mini-Kian.”
“If they are a boy, they’ll be Kian’s son but they’ll also be yours too,” Sara smiled, “they could just as easily be an adorable book nerd with zero interest in sports. You can’t worry about every little thing or you’ll drive yourself crazy.”
Cate laughed, “um, hello, have you met me before? I think Little Miss Worry-pants is actually my middle name.”
“That’s true,” Sara laughed.
“On a scale of one to ten, how annoyed do you think Yoakey’s going to be that you made him ride with Kian, Matteo and the kids just now?” Cate changed the subject. They were stopped in a queue just behind Kian’s Range Rover.
Sara laughed, “at least a hundred but it’s good for him to be brought down a peg or two. You know what it’s like, as a professional footballer they’re surrounded by so many people telling them how amazing they are, it’s our job as their wives to give them a reality check every once in a while so their heads don’t get so big that they can’t fit through their own front door anymore.”
CHAPTER 15
“Ugh, I hate you,” Sara cursed when they arrived at Villa Park. Cate didn’t usually go to mid-week games but it was Kian’s birthday today and otherwise she wouldn’t get to see him. He’d stayed with the rest of the Rovers team at a hotel the previous night.
She was crazily nervous; she’d never tried to surprise him before. He didn’t know that she was going to be at the game tonight; she’d got her ticket through Yoakey. He also didn’t know that she’d booked a room for them in a hotel in Birmingham. Apart from Sara and Yoakey, the only other person who knew what she had planned for tonight was Kian’s sister, Sinead; she’d volunteered to look after Lola. Sinead had just found out that she was pregnant with her first child.
“Hang on a sec,” Cate said as her phone vibrated, it was Kian. She got back in Sara’s car and shut the door, hoping that he wouldn’t be able to hear the noise of the crowds outside.
“Hey angel,” Cate knew that she was lucky. She still got a thrill from hearing her husband’s voice.
“Hey,” she grinned. “Where are you?”
“We’re almost at the ground.” Cate saw the navy-blue team coach driving slowly through the crowds and ducked down. She’d left her car back at the hotel in Birmingham; Sara had given her a lift to the ground.
“Why are you calling me then?” she laughed.
Kian dropped his voice to a whisper, “I really fucking wish you were here.”
“I know,” Cate had to bite down hard on her bottom lip to stop herself from blurting out that she was in fact only a few feet away from him. The coach had stopped in front of the ground. The security team were doing a final check to make sure that the crowds were safely penned behind the metal barriers before giving the driver the all-clear that he could open the doors. She could see Kian’s shadowy figure towards the back of the bus.
“Can I talk to Lo?” Kian asked.
“She’s outside with Jimmy,” Cate lied. “I can call her?” Lola had al
ready wished him happy birthday when they’d Skyped before she went to school that morning. She knew Kian wouldn’t be able to wait for Lola to come back inside. There was a burst of light, which told Cate that they’d opened the doors and the team were getting ready to disembark.
“I love you,” Cate said quickly. “Break a leg.”
Kian chuckled, “that’s just for actors, angel.”
When she was sure that Kian was safely inside the ground and wouldn’t see her, Cate got out of the car. “I thought you’d fallen asleep in there,” Sara teased.
“Ha,” Cate stuck her tongue out. “I didn’t want to ruin the surprise, that’s all.”
“I do hate you though,” Sara hooked her arm through Cate’s. “How are you still so skinny? I swear as soon as that test came back positive, my stomach inflated like a fucking balloon. Look at me. I’m the size of a freaking house. I begged the doctor to tell me last week that I’m at least having twins but he said no, I’m just fat. It’s not fair.”
“Shut up,” Cate nudged her friend, “you look just as gorgeous as ever.”
As they found their seats in the families’ section, Sara couldn’t stop sniffing. “Ugh, I miss drinking so much.”
Cate felt her phone vibrate against her hip. She checked the caller ID. “It’s Liv,” she said to Sara. “I’m going to go upstairs.”
“I’ll come with you,” Sara stood up. “It’ll give me chance to do some passive drinking.”
“Liv?” Cate felt a sharp twist in her gut; she missed her sister so much. Since she’d left Manchester without even saying goodbye, Liv had faithfully kept her promise to Kian, calling Cate every Saturday night but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t just the physical distance between them; it felt like they were growing apart. Liv was building a new life wherever she was, a new life which didn’t involve Cate.
“Stop it,” Liv giggled at something on the other end of the phone.
Cate felt an irrational urge to punch her sister in the face. How dare she be so happy?
