Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight

by Robyn Peterman

  “For Bob and Roger,” I repeated and waited for him to move. I was here for Zach and would approach the house when he was ready.

  “I’m good,” Zach said, nodding to Fabio and striding forward. “Gonna let go of some shit.”

  I just hoped letting go of shit didn’t involve blood or broken bones—or Goddess forbid, getting mowed down by a car. But while warlocks were strong, dryads packed a pretty powerful magical punch. However, we were here to get a name, not play happy families. Even so, I loved Zach and had very strong feelings of like for Fabio, so I was also going to make sure, whatever happened, everyone saw tomorrow in one piece.

  The interior of the house was as lovely as the exterior—hardwood floors with colorful Persian rugs. The furniture was overstuffed and comfortable. The windows stretched from the floor to the ceiling and the natural light was fabulous. The only oddity was an enormous disco ball that hung from the ceiling in the foyer. It was garish and hilarious, but somehow fit in perfectly.

  “How much?” Fabio questioned.

  “They paid Mae Blockinschlokinberg two hundred thousand dollars,” I told him then gasped in disbelief as Fabio snapped his fingers and a mountain of money appeared.

  Loads of cash—all hundred-dollar bills—sat atop of the distressed oak kitchen table that seated twelve. There was far more than two hundred thousand.

  The sunlight streaming through the windows illuminated and framed the stack of bills as I gaped at them in shock. I’d never seen so much money in my life. As soon as we’d told Fabio the horrible story from beginning to end, he was on it. No questions were asked other than how much money we needed.

  Zach cleared his throat and stared at the bills. I was fairly sure he had never seen that much cash either.

  “Actually, Zelda’s dad,” Zach said. “We’re only looking for a name.”

  Fabio pushed the pile over to Zach’s and my side of the table and shook his head. “I have no clue who could have been stupid enough to invest that much money in the Assjacket Community Theatre,” he said with a laugh.

  “Umm… you’re about to invest that much right now,” I said, pointing at the cash. “I mean, we’ll pay you back, but it might take a decade or ten.”

  “Absolu-tree not,” Fabio said with a smile, charming me with his Puntreelish. “I don’t need it or want it back.”

  Zach stared at the man who was the mirror image of himself. “Can I ask where you got this kind of money, Zelda’s dad?”

  Fabio grew wildly fascinated with his cuticles. I almost laughed. This entire family was an intriguing hot mess.

  “Is that a literal question or a figurative one?” he queried.

  Zach looked down at the table to hide what I thought might be a smile. “Literal.”

  Fabio ran his hands through his hair until it stood on end. It was clear he was contemplating how much to share. The moment was as achingly important to him as it was to Zach. I knew it even if Zach didn’t want to acknowledge it. Fabio had been hiding in the woods trying to get close to Zach for a month, for the love of the Goddess.

  It might have been easier if he’d actually come out of the woods and spoken to his son, but warlocks were an odd bunch.

  “Mmkay,” Fabio said, sitting up straighter in his chair in an attempt to look professional and sincere. “Is lying acceptable or would that be a problem for you?”

  “Are you serious?” Zach asked, squinting at Fabio.

  “Of course not,” Fabio insisted, laughing way too hard. “I was joking… kind of.”

  “Did you procure it… umm… legally?” I asked with a wince, trying to help Fabio out.

  “Interesting you should ask… Could you define legal?” Fabio inquired politely, looking like he was constipated.

  “Again,” Zach said, tilting his head and examining Fabio like he was a science experiment gone wrong. “Are you serious?”

  Fabio expelled a long breath, propped his elbows on the table and rested his forehead in his hands. “Unfortunately, yes,” he muttered sadly with his face hidden. “I’m not the father you may have dreamed of, Zach. I’m not exactly responsible parental material. However, I want it to be very clear I had no clue I’d knocked up your rancid excuse of a mother. I was a little wild back in the day. But back to the matter at hand, I must admit, I’ve had numerous run-ins with the law over minor, inconsequential, ridiculous and teeny-weeny infractions.”

  “Such as?” Zach was now smiling, but since Fabio’s face was still hidden, he had no clue.

  “Well, there was a minuscule bit of gambling and the occasional identity theft of those who abused power. It was delightful to bankrupt asshole dictators and spread their wealth amongst the people they’d screwed over. Kind of like an orgasm without the sex,” Fabio admitted. “Oh, and grand larceny, but for a good cause.”

  “Good cause?” I asked, liking the man even more. His methods were certainly questionable, but his heart was in the right place.

  “School busses,” he whispered. “For a community that had none.”

  “How many?” Zach inquired, staring at the top of his father’s head.

  “Twenty-five,” Fabio whispered. “And I might have manipulated the lotto a few times.”

  “So that you won?” I asked, surprised.

  “Oh dear Goddess, no!” Fabio said, looking up at me aghast. “Using magic for personal gain is a huge no-no. For others who needed it. And of course, I have a wee collection of what one might refer to as hot credit cards. I’ve also been known to procure the latest fashions before they actually hit the market, but I leave an IOU or brownies.”

  “You leave brownies?” Zach asked, obviously unsure if Fabio was sane.

  He wasn’t, but that was part of the charm.

  “Not the little girls in the brown uniforms,” Fabio assured us quickly. “The chocolate kind… with nuts.”

  Zach coughed to hide his laugh. “Anything else I should know?”

  Fabio sighed dramatically. “Yes, I suppose there is. I’m an excellent cook, and I find women’s yoga pants very comfortable. I’m in a committed relationship for the first time in my life with Baba Yaga. She’s completely off her rocker and prone to blowing up things, but I am besotted—hence the appalling disco ball in the foyer. Also, I find a good explosion to be excellent foreplay.”

  “Keep going,” Zach said, unable to hide his perplexed amusement.

  Fabio gained confidence from Zach’s tone and barreled on. “Your sister loves my pancakes even though she offends them with an obscene amount of syrup. I spent a decade in the circus in between running from the law and being a man-whore. Juggling was my specialty—balls and women. Baba Yaga, aka Carol, put an end to that. She's threatened to remove my balls if I stray but, quite honestly, I never will. Mostly, before I found happiness, I tooled around aimlessly and gambled. I’m an outstanding card cheater… And then, one day, it all got very old and I searched for meaning.” He took a breath. “At over two hundred years old, I realized I had very little worth to show for my existence on the Goddess’s green earth. When I found out about your sister, I was thrilled and then devastated to learn what she had gone through in her life. It took a bit to get close, including a few near-deadly car mishaps and then an embarrassing reveal of my man-junk, but I paid for her therapy. So, there’s that.”

  Zach said nothing, but his body relaxed. He watched Fabio and waited for more.

  “I blamed myself for Zelda’s horrific start in life… and I blame myself for yours,” Fabio said quietly.

  “But you didn’t know about us,” Zach said and then pressed the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

  Defending the man who he didn’t want in his life wasn’t in the game plan, but Zach was a good person, whether he believed it or not. He was very much like the warlock sitting across from him, minus the criminal record.

  “I didn’t know,” Fabio agreed. “But it doesn’t alleviate the guilt. It never will. I’m so sorry.”

  I said nothing. It wasn’t my pla
ce, but my heart hurt, and I wanted to hug both men so badly my fingers tingled. So much pain because of one horrible woman who’d raised Zelda in an awful manner and who had sold Zach as a baby to an abomination.

  Fabio went on. “I understand if you can’t accept me, and I don’t blame you. I’m not exactly a prize. But I just want you to know that if I could have traded places with you, I would have in a heartbeat. And if Henrietta Smith wasn’t already dead, I would have taken obscene pleasure in ending her with my bare hands.”

  Zach’s mouth was slightly open as if he wanted to speak, but no words came out. Fabio gave him a sad smile and pointed to the money.

  “Most of it is legal,” he said. “Please take it. I don’t want it back. It’s just a tiny gesture. I would be pleased if you would use it. It can’t make up for the past, but I can ease your future and keep Bob and Roger safe. Plus, I’d be horrified if you had to be a grunting kidney.”

  Zach laughed.

  It was a gorgeous sound.

  And the look on Fabio’s face was one I wouldn’t forget. He literally glowed with pride at having made his son smile.

  “Look… umm… Fabio,” Zach said, stepping way out of his comfort zone. “I’m sorry too and while you might have a criminal record, I have much worse. If you knew what I’d done in my life, you wouldn’t be so excited to have a relationship with me.”

  I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to, so I didn’t. “It wasn’t you. It was her—Henrietta Smith,” I insisted, wanting to cry in anger and frustration. “You were cursed, sold and used. Your choices were taken from you.”

  Zach put his hand over mine and squeezed it gently. Closing his eyes, he let out a choppy breath. “People died and I did nothing. I watched. She killed and I abetted.”

  “Bullshit,” Fabio said. “I call bullshit.”

  Zach eyed him angrily. “I don’t care what you call. Shifters, witches and warlocks died and I did nothing,” he ground out through clenched teeth.

  “Were you capable of defending them?” Fabio demanded, standing his ground.

  “Does it matter?” Zach snapped. “Hundreds are dead.”

  “It matters,” Fabio shot right back, equally as harsh. “What was done to you would have destroyed a lesser man. It tears at my soul to know what you lived through, but you are not to blame. Henrietta Smith was a deranged and sorry excuse of a fake witch who followed a sham religion not recognized by the Goddess. What she did is on her, not you. Never you,” Fabio said firmly. “You are as much a victim as those she destroyed.”

  “Fairytales are lies and very hard to swallow,” Zach said, sounding so much older than his years. “Yes, it’s true I was helpless to stop her. But a lifetime of watching needless death takes a toll.”

  “Let that shit go,” Fabio said, staring at Zach with an intensity that was captivating. “If you need to pay a self-imposed penance, pay it. For every evil atrocity that woman did, do something kind, loving and semi-legal to replace it. And no… it will not bring her victims back, but it will slowly make the Goddess’s Universe a more beautiful place. Do good in the memory of those who can’t. You’ve already started.”

  Zach rubbed his temples and eyed his father. “You’re quite smart for a criminal.”

  “Thank you. I try,” Fabio replied with a charming grin. “It’s a wondrous and strange thing… I love you, Zach. I can’t explain it correctly, but I look at you and I see a beautiful, virtuous man.”

  Zach tensed at Fabio’s admission, but he didn’t punch him. I took it as a good sign.

  “Then you need glasses, old man. I’m not worthy of your love,” Zach said flatly.

  “My choice to give,” Fabio said. “Your choice to accept.”

  “Can’t yet,” Zach admitted. “Working on a relationship with myself. Willow is next in line. You’re in fourth place behind Zelda.”

  Fabio grinned and clapped his hands. “I’ll take it and you will take the money. Please take the money.”

  I shook my head in agreement with Zach. “Honestly, Fabio, the money doesn’t help until we know who the investor is,” I told him. “Besides, even if we pay him off, there's no guarantee he won't want retribution for the community theatre not producing the play. But thank you. It’s such an incredible and kind offer.”

  “Willow is right,” Zach said. “Do you have any idea who might have put that kind of money up?”

  Fabio’s brow wrinkled in thought. “I truly don’t,” he said. “However, once we discover who he is, the money is ready if he'll take it.”

  “We?” Zach inquired with a raised brow.

  Fabio grinned. “If you’re dealing with someone who’s fond of cement shoes, I would think having a criminal like myself on your team might be helpful.”

  Again, Zach laughed.

  Again, Fabio beamed.

  My smile grew so wide it hurt my cheeks.

  Zach sobered and focused on Fabio. “I’m not sure what kind of relationship we can have,” he said slowly, clearly finding his words as the thoughts came. “But I would like to start as friends.”

  Fabio’s breath caught in his throat and his sparkling green eyes teared up. “I would like that very much. Also, if you’d like to run me over with a car, I’m in. It did wonders for your sister.”

  “Thank you, but I’ll pass,” Zach said with a chuckle. “I thought I wanted to punch you before I came, but…”

  “Let’s go,” Fabio bellowed joyously, jumping up from his chair. “We can duke it out in the front yard. It will be good for the soul.”

  “Umm… I don’t know,” I said, wondering how they went from being friends to kicking each other’s asses.

  “Seriously?” Zach asked, excited. “You’ll punch back, right?”

  “Of course,” Fabio said. “I’d be honored to have a smackdown with my son. We’ve missed out on so much.”

  “So much violence?” I asked, still not thinking this was a great plan.

  “Yes!” Fabio said. “A father should teach his son how to fight. A little blood and a few broken bones are a byproduct of the love warlocks share. Very stupid and manly, but quite fun.”

  “Sounds great,” Zach said, grinning.

  “Outstanding! We can heal each other afterward,” Fabio said, ushering us through the kitchen and out the front door. “And if the injuries are too much for male warlock healers to handle, we’ll call your sister. Zelda will definitely take blackmail photos, but she’s the strongest healer witch in existence. If she balks, I’ll withhold the new Berkin bag I procured for her.”

  “Good plan,” Zach said, following Fabio out of the front door as I stood rooted to the floor in shock.

  “Come along, Willow,” Fabio called over his shoulder. “A good time shall be had by all.”

  “Coming,” I muttered, forcing my feet to move. Warlocks were batshit crazy.

  “Oh, and I’d be quite honored if you two would stay for dinner and spend the night,” Fabio offered, looking wildly unsure of Zach’s reaction. “I’ll cook and there are many spare bedrooms to choose from.”

  “Willow?” Zach asked, as unsure as his father. “Does that sound good?”

  Staring at Zach, I knew he wanted to accept, but wanted me to go first. Not happening. I winked at him and let him swim in the deep end on his own. “Your choice.”

  He eyed me askance for a second and then smiled. He had my number and I had his.

  “Yes, Fabio,” he said. “We will take you up on the offer.”

  “I’ll let Zelda know!” Fabio shouted with such an overabundance of joy it made me giggle.

  It was perfect. Sassy was bringing Zorro to her place, and we would stay with Fabio. Mac and Zelda would have an evening with no company present. They could have a nookie night all over the house.

  “Shall we?” Zach asked his father, his eyes glittering with excitement and his fists raised.

  “Yes,” Fabio replied, getting into an attack position and grinning back at his son. “We shall.”

&nbs
p; The fight would be seared into my brain for eternity. As the two warlocks beat the living crap out of each other, they laughed like children having the time of their lives. Even the trees enjoyed the show. They swayed and rustled their leaves with glee. Of course, it was clear that the brawl was all in good violent fun…

  The joy and excitement the men shared as they traded blows was strangely beautiful—albeit in a bloody and profanity-filled way. But their bond strengthened with each powerful punch. In the end, the two battered warriors held each other, laughed like idiots, and healed each other’s broken bones and bruises.

  All in all, it was a successful visit. We didn’t have the name of the investor, but we knew we had the money to pay him back if push came to shove. I felt calmer than I had earlier. Hopefully, the cats were on their way home and Mae Blockinschlokinberg would accept her firing without a countersuit or counterattack.

  And of course, until that was a go, we’d go on with rehearsals.

  Let the shitshow continue.

  Chapter Eleven

  The day dawned bright and sunny and my mood matched. Fabio’s home was as magical as Zelda’s. I was pretty sure I never wanted to leaf Assjacket. With so much love and so many wonderful people, it was perfect. Even the crazy was wonderful and glorious.

  “Oh my Goddess,” I said with a mouthful as I stacked two more pancakes on my plate. “These are delicious.”

  “Thank you,” Fabio said, taking a small bow. “I can make more. And I must say, it’s a real pleasure to watch you two enjoy my pancakes without a vat of syrup on them. Zelda’s palate is just horrid.”

  Patting my full stomach, I laughed. “I’m good with these. I’m about to pop.”

  “I’ll take a few more,” Zach said much to Fabio’s delight.

  We’d stayed up talking till the early morning hours. It had been a wonderful night mixed with laughter and tears. Zach had spoken more candidly about his past. I learned things that made me feel ill. I didn’t think my hatred of Henrietta Smith could eclipse what it already was, but I was wrong. Fabio looked as if he'd been shredded from the inside out as he'd listened to his son recount his tortured past, but it was healing for Zach. Both Fabio and I would have listened to the very same stories over and over for the man we loved.