Fabio stood in the shadows by the doorway and watched with a furious expression on his face. The insane, disgustingly dressed woman didn’t even notice him.
“It’s about time,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg snapped at Zach and me. “You’re late. You will be fined a thousand dollars for your first infraction. Second infraction will garner both of you a body boiling in a kettle full of snakes. Am I clear?”
“As mud,” I snapped, wiggling my fingers and giving Bob a nice full unibrow and a headful of hair. “The audience left.”
“WHAT?” Mae Blockinschlokinberg screamed so loudly I slapped my hands over my ears. “I paid a large sum to humiliate you people and create great art. You will reimburse me and add it to my salary.” Reaching into the pocket of her muumuu and whipping out the check that Roger had paid her, she shoved it in his face. “Write one for three hundred thousand, rabbit. This one is no longer acceptable.”
Sassy divebombed Mae Blockinschlokinberg and grabbed the check from her hand. Stuffing it into her mouth, she chewed and swallowed it. “You snooze, you lose, Mae Blockinschlokinbutthole. I ate your salary.”
“Spit it out,” the heinous woman screeched.
“Can’t,” Sassy told her with a laugh. “In an hour or so I could probably return it, but not sure you’d want it then.”
Mae Blockinschlokinberg advanced on Roger, hissing and spitting with fury. He squeaked and shrank back in fear. Zach moved quickly to cut her off, but to everyone’s surprise, Bob stepped up. His face was bright red with anger, and he huffed and puffed. With each exhale, his fluffy unibrow fluttered. In his distress, Bob began his shift, but not completely. His two front beaver teeth popped out and his tiny hands became furry with claws. In any other situation, I might have giggled. Right now, I was as proud as I imagined any mother figure would be.
“You go, Bob,” I yelled, giving him a thumbs up. “You’ve got this.”
Bob nodded and puffed out his little chest. His unibrow twitched and he gnashed his teeth. “You are out of luck, Mae Blockinschlokinshitbrick. We have no more checks, and it takes months to order a new batch with all of the paperwork and the lack of enthusiasm from the Assjacket Postmistress.”
“Wait,” Sassy said, hovering in the air on her broom. “I thought I was the Assjacket Postmistress. Am I? I can’t remember.”
“You are,” Bob confirmed with a wince. “You’re doing a wonderful job.”
“Thank you!” Sassy said, beaming. “I didn’t even remember that I had the job. Someone probably sent me the contract and it was in Canadian. Not to worry. I’ll get right to work as soon as I figure out what I’m supposed to do. Cool?”
“Lovely,” Bob replied.
Mae Blockinschlokinberg was boiling like she was going to blow. I considered zapping earplugs into my friends’ ears and singing again. It would be a hilarious and humiliating payback to see Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her posse hump each other, but something else was wrong here. There was a distinct lack of fabulous in the room.
“Where’s Zorro?” I asked, glancing around.
Mae Blockinschlokinberg smiled. It wasn’t pretty. She pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and waved it in the air. “He quit. Left a note and left town.”
“Bullshit,” Zach said, narrowing his eyes dangerously at the woman. “Zorro would not leave Assjacket without telling us.”
“Well, he did,” she informed him with sadistic satisfaction.
“Sassy,” I said, feeling sick to my stomach. “Zorro was supposed to be with you.”
“Wait. I thought he was with you,” Sassy replied, getting slightly hysterical.
“Why would he be with us?” I asked, snatching the note out of Mae Blockinschlokinberg’s hand. “You were supposed to find him and bring him to your house for the night so Zelda and Mac could bang in peace.”
Sassy pulled on her hair and flew right into the wall, sending a pyramid of applesauce crashing to the ground. “Shit,” she cried out as she slid to the floor and landed in the mess. The packets exploded, and we were all covered in mushy apple. “He wasn’t at the community center when I went looking for him. I figured he went back to Zelda’s. She said you guys were staying with Fabio. I didn’t think to clarify what you guys meant. I thought it was all three of you.”
Sassy began to cry. My stomach dropped to my toes.
“Bad things happen to those who destroy greatness,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg hissed, enjoying the unfolding drama. “Bad voodoo.”
“Shut your trap,” I snapped at her and scanned the note. “It’s Zorro’s handwriting. He wrote this.”
“What does it say?” Zach asked, looking over my shoulder.
“Says we never should have murdered the Queen,” I read aloud, confused.
“Oh my Goddess,” Sassy gasped out, covered from head to toe in applesauce. “You guys offed Freddie Mercury?”
“No, we didn’t off the greatest singer in the world other than Steve Perry,” I said with an eye roll.
“Read the rest,” Zach said.
I nodded. My hands trembled. “Willow and Zach, I am leaving Assjacket. I can no longer live with the guilt of killing our Queen. We never should have murdered her. We will pay. I’d suggest you repent as well. Zorro.”
“Who is the Queen?” Roger asked, perplexed.
“I don’t know a Queen,” I said, shaking my head. It was Zorro’s handwriting, but not his voice. He rarely got through a sentence without the word guurrlfriend in it. “Do you know a Queen?” I turned to Zach.
Zach’s eyes had dilated and his fury made everyone in the room take a step back except me. He was a deadly magical volcano about to erupt. Sadly, I’d seen him like this many times and it broke my heart to see it again. His fingers sparked ominously and the bellow of agony that left his mouth came from deep in his chest. The entire Assjacket Community Center shook on its foundation and more applesauce, along with a dozen boxes of chocolate chip cookies, exploded.
“Talk to me,” I begged.
Zach’s entire body was filled with rage. His eyes blazed. They were feral and unseeing. I didn’t need to ask who the Queen was anymore. I remembered now. The piece of shit who’d bought him and tried to destroy him had occasionally referred to herself as the Queen. I supposed that I’d tried to block the past out. However, it all came roaring back.
Fabio stepped into the room and put his hand on his son’s shoulder. “Who is the Queen, Zach?”
Zach’s eyes closed and he growled like an animal. “The Queen is Henrietta Smith. The unholy bitch who bought me and cursed me to a living hell.”
“Fuck,” Fabio snarled and pivoted around. “They’re gone.”
“Who’s gone?” I asked, my eyes still on Zach.
“Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her nasty little mini-mes,” Bob shouted. “I didn’t even see them leave.”
“They’re slugs,” Sassy said, digging through the applesauce frantically just in case they had shifted and hidden. “They probably shifted and slithered out. Too bad applesauce isn’t salted. That would have shown them.”
“That’s why she knew our names,” I whispered, putting the horrifying puzzle pieces together. “Mae Blockinschlokinberg came here for revenge.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Roger asked, gently putting his hand on Zach to calm him.
“When did that woman and her people decide to come here? Did you seek her out?” I asked.
“We did not,” Bob said, shifting back to his human form. “She sent word through a homing pigeon that she was going to grace us with her presence.”
“Before or after Zorro was set to do the show?” I demanded.
“After,” Bob said, wringing his little hands. “You think they kidnapped Zorro?”
My eyes filled with tears and I nodded. “Or worse.” Zorro was the easiest of us to capture, because he was the most trusting. Plus, he fainted when in peril. He was clearly forced to write the note. How he was forced, I could barely bring myself to think about. He’d already been
through hell in his life due to the horrifying beatings he’d taken from his pack for being gay and he was right back there now.
“Mac said they were staying in the woods on the outskirts of town,” Zach ground out, still on the edge of detonating. “Who knows the woods around Assjacket?”
“I do,” Fabio said. “Mac does as well. We can split into groups and find Zorro.”
“The trees can help as well. I can speak with them.” My level of fear and frustration almost strangled me. I would beat drums and dance naked in front of a whole stadium of man-titties if it meant getting my best friend back from Mae Blockinschlockinberg's evil clutches.
“My chipmunks know the woods too,” Sassy volunteered. “They’re not killers since they’re vegetarians, but my boys can kick some serious ass. I’ll call Jeeves and have him take our kids into the forest to search.”
“If they find them, tell them to secure Zorro’s safety,” Zach instructed tightly. “Mae Blockinschlokinberg is mine.”
“And mine,” I added.
Zach snapped back into reality and his eyes bored into mine. “Willow, this one is on me. It’s for all the people who aren’t here anymore. If Henrietta Smith has followers as it seems she does, it’s my responsibility to end them. I’ll like myself a whole hell of a lot if I put an end to this sadistic bullshit.”
I nodded. I understood. “Mae Blockinschlokinberg is all yours.”
“Thank you,” he whispered as he pulled me into his strong arms and kissed me like there would be no tomorrow.
I hoped that wasn't the case, but just in case, I kissed him right back.
“We'll get him back,” Zach whispered to me. “We've lost too much already. I promise we won't lose Zorro, too.”
I nodded and held onto hope. Zorro had done it for Zach and me, multiple times, and I wouldn't dishonor his friendship by giving up before we started.
“Mac and Zelda are on their way,” Fabio said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Bob and Roger, do you have any personal information on Mae Blockinschlokinberg?”
Roger bounced on his toes and nodded his head. “She filled out paperwork for taxes.”
“Excellent,” Fabio said. “As long as she didn’t forge anything or lie, we can trace her. If she leaves town, we can go after her. Have Simon the skunk hack into the government database and find out everything we can about this ghastly woman.”
“Simon hacks?” Sassy asked, surprised and impressed.
“He does. Don’t tell Zelda. She’ll think I taught him how to do it,” Fabio told her.
“Did you?” Sassy asked.
“Yes,” Fabio admitted. “But that’s neither here nor there. Right now, we have to find some slugs.”
“We’re here,” Zelda said as she and Mac poofed into the applesauce and crumb covered dressing room. “What in the ever-lovin’ hell?”
“I crashed into the wall and the applesauce exploded,” Sassy said, shaking the excess goop off her broom. “Did you know I was the Postmistress?”
“I think everyone knows except you,” Zelda told her as she scanned then sniffed the note I handed her. “Flowers.”
“What?” Zach asked, stressed to his limit. “What flowers?”
“The note has a scent,” she said, sniffing it again and wincing. “Old lady crouch and flowers. They’re near flowers.”
“What part of the forest has flowers in bloom right now?” I asked.
“Wait,” Zelda said, sniffing the note yet again. “Dang it. I can’t quite place the smell.”
“Let me try,” I said, reaching for the note. “I’m a dryad, and I teach botany. I’m pretty good at the nature stuff.”
“You go, Willow! You’ve got this,” Bob said sweetly, echoing my earlier sentiment to him.
Closing my eyes, I raised the note to my nose. “Goddess,” I muttered, then gagged. “Old lady crouch is rank.”
“You got that right,” Zelda agreed. “Can you smell the flowers?”
I nodded slowly and smiled. “Roses. They’re near roses.”
“I’m the only one with roses in Assjacket,” Fabio volunteered.
“Perfect,” Mac said, sounding every bit the sheriff of Assjacket combined with the King of the Shifters. “We’ll divide up and approach Fabio’s house from all sides. Poof in about a mile out and make your way in. I have backup already searching. I’ll redirect to the new location.”
“On it,” Zach said. “Willow and Fabio are with me. We’ll come up in front of the house.”
“Good call,” Zelda said, all business. “Mac and I will take the back side. Willow, how well can you manipulate the trees?”
“Very well,” I said. “How about you?”
“All the fucking trees in the world are my minions,” she said with an eye roll. “Between the two of us and Mac’s unbelievable and seriously sexy affinity with manipulating nature, we should be set if we need the trees.”
“What can Mac do?” I asked, curious.
Mac grinned. “Mac can open the earth and send Demons back to Hell.”
“Sweet Goddess in a tutu,” I said, bowing my head in respect. “Mac’s insane.”
“With a fine ass to boot,” Zelda added, pointing to her mate’s nice rear end.
“And my mate Jeeves is a kangaroo Shifter with a huge package who kicked the Demons back to hell after Mac with the fine ass opened the earth,” Sassy announced with pride.
Mac shook his head and smiled. “I’ll have Jeeves gather the chipmunks and come up on the right,” Mac said, texting his adopted kangaroo son.
“I’ll take care of that and meet up with them,” Sassy said, with her blonde applesauce covered hair blowing around her head like a witchy badass. “Oh, and just so no one gets confused, I’ll be speaking British during the battle. Make sure no one shouts orders in Canadian or I'll fuck everything up.”
“Noted,” Mac said, closing his eyes for a brief moment.
“I’m out.” Sassy took off on her broom like a bat out of hell.
Fabio turned to Bob and Roger. “Find Simon and have him hack all the information he can find on Mae Blockinschlokinberg. We might need it.”
“Simon hacks?” Zelda asked, eyeing her father suspiciously. “Since when?”
“Since Fabio taught him how,” Roger volunteered then covered his mouth with both hands. “I don’t think I was supposed to say that.”
“Umm… nope,” Fabio agreed with an apologetic shrug to his daughter. “If it helps, Simon asked. I was simply being cordial and taught him.”
Zelda narrowed her eyes. “Is it useful right now?” she asked.
“Very,” Mac said with a curt nod. “Also, very illegal. I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear any of this conversation. We’ll talk about it after we apprehend the slugs.”
I still couldn't get over that Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her posse were slug Shifters. On the other hand, it made perfect sense that a slug would have some kind of affiliation with Henrietta Smith. After all, both creatures were bottom-feeding bitches.
“What about the left side of the house?” Zach asked, getting back on topic. “Will that be covered or should we create smaller groups?”
“Shifters,” Mac said, texting the instruction out on his phone. “My brother will pull a crew together and take the left.”
“Are the cats back?” I asked. They were incredible in battle. Any magic thrown at them bounced right off and flew back at the attacker.
“They’re on their way. And I think they found the investor,” Zelda said.
“Doesn’t matter,” Zach told his sister. “Sassy ate the check, so the investor’s money is safe.”
“I’m not touching that,” Zelda muttered.
“Probably smart,” I told her. “She offered to poop it back out, but I don’t think Mae Blockinschlokinberg was too keen on that.”
“Again,” Zelda said with a laugh. “Not touching it.”
“Ready?” Fabio asked, looking at both of his children with pride. “It’s
time to salt some slugs.”
“Never been more ready in my life,” Zach said. “Let’s move.”
Chapter Fourteen
The woods surrounding Fabio’s property were dense. A foreboding wind blew and the sky darkened ominously. The trees swayed and groaned. My stomach wasn’t happy.
“Is a storm expected?” Zach asked quietly as we made our way through the thick underbrush looking for anything suspicious.
“Wasn’t in the forecast,” Fabio said, looking up. “However, Sassy is in charge of the forecast, so…”
“Sassy certainly has a lot of jobs,” I commented, touching as many tree trunks as possible to see if there was a message for me that might help. I was almost sure my wooden friends had something to say, but I couldn’t figure it out.
“We had an Assjacket job fair, and Sassy beat everyone to the sign up,” Fabio said, chuckling while thoroughly searching every inch of the forest floor. “I think she thought she was signing up to win something. She threw a shitfit when it was suggested she might want to let the others have a shot. In the end, we decided that the buildings in Assjacket meant more than division of the jobs.”
“Sassy blows up buildings?” Zach asked, scanning the area with deadly precision.
“And then some,” Fabio replied dryly. “Her mate Jeeves has been an outstanding influence on her, though. He’s the nicest man in the Universe. Loves her to a distraction.”
“I was under the impression that kangaroo Shifters were extinct,” I said.
“Jeeves is the last one,” Fabio whispered, motioning for us to get low. “Do you smell that?”
It was faint, but it was there. “Old lady crouch,” I whispered, wrinkling my nose. Sniffing the wind, I made a calculation. “About a quarter of a mile straight ahead.”
“There’s a stream there,” Fabio informed us. “Land is marshy and wet. More of a valley than flat ground.”
“Sounds right for slugs,” Zach muttered as his eyes and hands sparked with barely contained magic.
“Tamp it back, big guy,” I said, touching his arm. “If you set the forest on fire, you’ll announce we’re here. That’s bad theatre. We’re going for more of a surprise entrance. You feel me?”
Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight Page 12
