Zach nodded and pulled back his power with effort. “I feel you right here,” he said, touching his heart.
My smile came automatically. “I feel you right here too,” I replied, touching my heart. I also felt him in other places, tingly places, but that conversation could wait until later. Right now, we had to find our BFF.
“Stop it,” Fabio said. “You’re both going to make me cry. If I cry, I get blotchy. I want to look my best when squishing slugs.”
“You’re nuts,” Zach said with a grin. “Truly insane.”
“And you have my genes, boy,” Fabio said, giving Zach a fatherly slap on the back. “Good luck.”
“Don’t need luck,” Zach replied. “I’ve got my mate and my father with me.”
Both Fabio and I were stunned to silence. He'd called me his mate and acknowledged Fabio as his dad. Two things that, up until now, I wasn't sure would ever happen.
Fabio cried first. I was a close second.
“Umm… I meant that in a good way,” Zach said, running his hands through his hair and biting back his exasperation.
“Happy tears,” I blubbered. “I didn’t think you’d recognized our connection.”
Zach pulled me close and rested his chin on my head. “I’ve always known, Willow—from the first moment I saw you. I simply wasn’t free to act on it. Being cursed has some massive disadvantages.”
“This is one of the best days of my life,” Fabio said, sniffling and pulling himself back together. “I mean, I know we have to kill some shit and save Zorro, but to hear the word father come out of your mouth was like an orgasm that blew the top of my head off without the sex. I don’t even care if my face is blotchy.”
“Your way with words is…” Zach said, searching for something to say that wouldn’t be insulting.
“Beautiful,” I supplied. “Graphically inappropriate and slightly gross, but beautiful.”
“Thank you,” Fabio said, joining our hug.
“Welcome,” I said, kissing his cheek. “But now's not the time. Zorro first, group love-fest later.” I pointed up ahead at an oak I didn't recognize, but its rustling leaves were chittering for my attention. “I’m going into the tree. I think it wants to tell me something. And I can slip up to the top and see what’s going on. You two stay right here. I’ll be quick.”
“And careful,” Zach added sternly.
I grinned. “The trees are my home. It’s my safe place.”
Walking into the trunk of the closet and tallest giant oak, I let my body go and my magic consume me.
Being inside of a tree gave me a feeling of wholeness. It was warm and comfortable and smelled like spring and cookies. My body became a blur of golden and bright green sparkles. Gravity had no hold on me in this state, and I vibrated and shifted colors with the heartbeats of the trees.
“Hi, I’m Willow. Do you mind if I enter and take a peek around? My dearest friend is in danger, and I need to borrow you to see what lies up ahead.”
“I’m Nancy Lee,” the lovely oak replied with a wiggle of pleasure. “I’d be honored and tree-lighted to be of assis-tree-ence, little dryad.”
“Thank you, Nancy Lee,” I said. “Sponge Bob is my tree father. I’ll share your good deed with him.”
“Ohhhhhh,” Nancy Lee squealed. “Sponge Bob and I go way back to saplings. He is quite a looker, your father. So leafy and green.”
I giggled. “Thank you, I think he’s beautiful too. Do you, by any chance, have a message for me?
“I’m not sure, but do you have time for a joke?” Nancy Lee asked, sounding hopeful.
Trees and their punny jokes… “Yes,” I said. “But just one.”
Maybe I was wrong about the message. Odd. However, I’d still be able to see the lay of the land and what was happening.
“I rarely get a visit from a dryad,” Nancy Lee explained as she rustled happily. “It’s ex-tree-mely exciting! So, would you like a G rated joke, a PG13 or an X-rated joke?”
“PG13 would be fine.” Nancy Lee was a wild one.
“What did the oak tree say when she lost her friends on Spring Break?”
“I’m stumped,” I told her. I’d heard the joke a million times, but there was no way I was going to hurt her feelings by ruining her punchline. Trees took their jokes very seriously.
“Where my birches at?” Nancy Lee said as her big wooden body rocked with laughter. “Get it? I replaced bitches with birches. I’m just so silly!”
“You are silly,” I said with a giggle. “I’d like to go all the way to your highest limbs, if that's okay. Would you give me a branch up?”
“With pleasure, Willow,” Nancy Lee said. “Do you have a funny joke? It will be easier to shoot you to the top if I’m laughing.”
“Of course,” I told her. “Umm… how about this one, why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?”
“Tell me,” Nancy Lee squealed, already giggling.
“They keep dropping their needles.”
Nancy Lee shook with laughter from her roots all the way to her highest bough. “Keep going. More! PG13 please.”
I felt myself being sucked up higher in the tree. Keeping Nancy Lee in stitches would get me to the tippy top even faster. My fear for Zorro made it hard to joke, but we needed to find him fast before Mae Blockinschlokinberg did anything heinous to him—if she hadn't already. So, if telling Nancy Lee a few zingers would launch me to the highest vantage point in the shortest amount of time so I could locate my BFF, then zingers it was.
“Ask and you shall receive,” I promised the oak.
Nancy Lee’s laugh was so high pitched, I could feel it in my stomach.
It tickled and made me giggle. “What did everyone say about the drunk Christmas tree?”
“I don’t know,” she said, quaking with anticipation.
“They said it was lit every night.”
On a peal of Nancy Lee’s uproarious laughter, I shot straight to the top of the tree. Getting my bearings, I let my mind open up so I could see beyond the safety of Nancy Lee.
And what I saw was devastating.
“No,” I whispered. “No, no, no.”
Zorro was slumped over the edge of a huge black cast iron kettle. His face was obscured, but there was blood-encrusted his blond hair. His pink assless chaps were filthy and torn. My anger made me short of breath. My need to protect my dear friend overwhelmed me.
The minions shoved him the rest of the way inside the cauldron and stacked firewood beneath it as Mae Blockinschlokinberg sipped on a glass of dark red liquid. The bile rose in my throat. Oh Goddess, no. The slug was doing what Henrietta Smith had done to stay young and powerful—drinking the blood of magicals—the blood of Zorro. Very soon, she would join Henrietta Smith in hell.
Mae Blockinschlokinbitch was about to die.
“What is it, my dear?” Nancy Lee asked concerned.
“My best friend Zorro,” I cried out. “They’ve put him in a kettle and are getting ready to start the fire. I have to leaf. Now.”
“As you wish,” Nancy Lee said and shook her wooden body with such force I was certain Zach and Fabio would be buried in her leaves. “Take this. It will make you stronger.”
“Take what?” I asked, as I freefell back to her trunk. Was this the message I had been looking for?
“Close your eyes, little one,” Nancy Lee instructed kindly. “It will only hurt for a moment.”
“Hurt?” I asked, confused as I followed her directions and squeezed my eyes shut. A burning sensation shot through my body like a hot knife through butter. “Holy shit.”
I felt Nancy Lee’s magic enter me and mix with my own. My power fought hers until it decided it was a gift—a very powerful gift. As soon as I gave in to the invasion, the pain disappeared.
My head wreath tingled, and I felt breathless and wild. I wasn’t exactly sure what Nancy had given me, but there was no time to ask.
“Thank you, Nancy Lee,” I said as I burst from her trunk and back to Zach and Fabi
o.
“You’re welcome, Willow. It’s fated, my dear. May the forest be with you,” she whispered.
“We have to poof,” I insisted frantically to Zach and Fabio who were eyeing me strangely. “Now.”
Neither man moved an inch.
“What?” I asked.
“You,” Zach said with wonder in his voice. “You’re glowing. You’re ethereal.”
“Quite fetching,” Fabio agreed. “Like an angel from the Next Adventure. What exactly happened in the tree?”
“Nancy Lee gave me a little power boost,” I said sharply. Zorro didn't have time for me to explain more. “While the compliments are flattering, we have to poof. Immediately. Those batshit crazy freaks are about to boil my bestie.”
“Fuck,” Zach snarled.
“We could poof, but we’d be at a disadvantage if we landed in the stream or popped in with our backs to the slimy monsters,” Fabio said. “How fast can you run?”
“Like the wind,” I told him.
“As fast as my mate,” Zach said. “Can you run, old man?”
Fabio grinned. “I can leaf your asses in the dust.”
“We’ll see about that,” I challenged, taking off at a sprint that rendered me invisible to the human eye.
The boys were right behind me.
Everything would be okay.
Everything had to be okay.
The alternative was unacceptable.
Chapter Fifteen
“Stay low,” Zach instructed tersely.
We were crouched in the bushes, casing the scene. Mae Blockinschlokinberg had more than just the handful of mini-mes who had attended rehearsals with her. At least twenty slug Shifters wearing black socks and beige sandals scurried around, readying the fire about to be set under the kettle where Zorro was held captive. The excitement at the impending death of an innocent was macabre and all kinds of wrong. Zach’s eyes had narrowed to slits. He was reliving his nightmares… except this time he was awake and could possibly end the horror.
“Oh my Goddess,” I choked out and pointed to a pile of dead bodies that had been drained of blood and left to rot. “Are they from Assjacket?”
Fabio squinted at the travesty then his chin dropped to his chest. “No, not Assjackians. However, they were someone to others once.”
The squatty minions were tucking kindling in between the logs under the cauldron to make the fire easier to start. Zorro’s head tipped back when they jostled the pot with their clumsy efforts. His face was streaked with blood and I couldn't tell if he was breathing.
Knots formed in my throat as I forced myself to stay put. Only fools rushed in, and I couldn't be a fool while Zorro's life was on the line. “We have to get over there. We have to stop her.”
“This ends today,” Zach hissed his agreement.
“Is Zorro alive?” Fabio whispered, worried.
I put my ear to the forest floor and nodded. I could hear my friend’s heartbeat. It was weak, but it was there. It gave me hope. “Barely, but yes. Mae Blockinschlokinberg has been drinking his blood.”
“Dead bitch walking,” Zach growled in a tone that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
“I’ve sent an enchanted ping to the others so they know our location,” Fabio said. “There are too many of them, and not enough of us, right now. If we go in now, they'll be able to get to Zorro before we have a chance to stop them. Let’s hold off on an attack until everyone has the area surrounded.”
“I’m good with that unless they light the fire,” Zach said, his eyes glued to Mae Blockinschlokinberg, who greedily gulped more of Zorro’s blood from the chalice she gripped with both hands. “When that happens, I move whether we have backup or not.”
“What da fuck are youse guys doin’?” a voice whispered from behind us. “Playin’ hide and seek?”
Zach and Fabio jerked around in surprise and almost blasted the three furry dummies into their Next Adventure. Quickly, shoving the cats behind me, I raised my hands to stop an unnecessary shitshow. We had enough deadly problems on our hands.
“It’s Zelda’s cats,” I whispered.
Fabio blew out a long slow breath, and Zach clenched his fists at his side. The tension was so explosive, it was like a time bomb set to go off at any second.
“Guys, you really shouldn’t sneak up on people who can send you into the Next Adventure,” I whispered, turning around and chastising the cats.
“Good advice, sweet cheeks. Weese got nine lives, but I think weese are down to three,” Fat Bastard said, peeking through the bushes to see what was going on. “Holy shee-ot. Thems is slug Shifters.”
“And they have Zorro,” I said. “Those slugs are disciples of Henrietta Smith. They’re murderers.” I gestured to the heap of dead bodies. “We’re getting Zorro back and ending this shit for good.”
“Them slimy mother humpers spit venom,” Boba Fett informed us with a shudder. “Youse get slimed and youse is a goner.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Zach demanded, pressing the bridge of his nose in frustration at the new information.
“Nope, I ain’t banging no body named Serious,” Boba Fett said, shrugging his furry shoulders then grabbing his tiny balls. “I’ve been tryin’ to bang a sweet little calico named Marta, but she don’t seem to be impressed with my Johnson.”
Fat Bastard whacked Boba in the back of the head. “Dat’s not what he meant, numbnuts,” he huffed. “To answer the question, yes. Them slugs is poisonous.”
“You’re sure?” I asked. Venom spitting mollusks added a new wrinkle to our rescue plan.
“I always tell the truth even when I’m lyin’,” Fat Bastard assured me with a wink.
“Mmkay,” I said, squinting at him. We didn’t have time for games or riddles right now. “What exactly does that mean?”
“Nothin’,” Fat Bastard said with a chuckle. “Just like sayin’ it. Youse people have a plan?”
“Not exactly,” Zach admitted. “The new intel makes going in and ripping off Mae Blockinschlokinberg’s head a little trickier.”
“I like the way youse think,” Jango Fett chimed in. “Hows about we run some interference and youse do the rippin’?”
“As long as youse stay away from the filthy, fuckin’ disgusting, mother humpin’, shit stinkin’ mouths of dem slugs youse should be okay,” Fat Bastard advised.
He’d left himself so wide open, but I wasn’t about to point out he had a filthy mouth himself. There was no time.
Zelda, Mac, Sassy, Jeeves and four of the strangest looking little guys poofed in behind the cats. The strange looking ones had to be Sassy’s adopted chipmunk sons. Chewing gum a mile a minute, they were tiny in stature and wearing matching plaid rompers. All four had sweet smiles and a shock of wiry brown hair that stuck straight up on their heads that marked them as brothers.
“These are my boys,” Sassy whispered with pride. “Chad, Chip, Chunk and Chutney. You won’t understand a thing they say, but they won’t hurt you. They’re vegetarians.”
Zach shook his head to clear Sassy’s info right out of it and leaned over to his sister. “The slugs spit venom. We have to stay clear of their mouths or we’re goners according to your cats. There’s also a pile of dead victims. I'm assuming Mae Blockinschlokinberg has drained and drank their blood. No telling how powerful she might be with all the magic she's consumed.”
Zelda began to spark.
Zach put his hand on his sister's and calmed his twin. “We can’t help the ones who are gone. But we can save Zorro, and we can sure as hell make sure this never happens to anyone else.
My heart pounded as my worry for Zorro increased. Zach took my hand as well. “We'll get him back. I swear it.”
I nodded. I wanted more than anything in the world to save my BFF. But I knew Zorro wouldn't want us to rush in at the expense of more lives. “It’s the venom I’m concerned about,” I said. “I've never heard of poisonous slugs. What happens if they spit on Zorro? Or us? What kind of venom is
it?”
Zelda glanced over at Mac.
He swore under his breath. “I’ve heard of venomous slug Shifters, but in all my years I've never seen proof they actually existed. Fat Bastard, you’re positive?” Mac questioned.
“Youse bet,” he said with a nod. “Howevers, it’s lookin’ to me that Willow might have a few new qua-leaf-ications that might help save the day. Might be a little ex-tree-me, but it’s not es-tree-onage.”
“Of course, my cats speak tree,” Zelda muttered.
“Wait. I can do something to end this?” I asked, surprised. Maybe my siren abilities were the answer. “Do you want me to sing and send the slugs into an orgasmic tizzy? Will that make them goo themselves to death?”
“I could think of worse ways to die,” Sassy mused.
“Umm… not gonna to touch that,” Zelda said with a groan. “But when all this shit is over, I’m touching everything.”
“Whiles I would find a humpin’ slug show very arousing,” Fat Bastard said with a waggle of his kitty brows. “Dem broads is immune to their own venom. I was talkin’ about the sap.”
“Sap?” I asked, confused.
“What sap?” Fabio demanded.
“Look at dat freakass magical glow,” Fat Bastard said, pointing at me. “The dryad is full of it.”
Zach’s eyes narrowed. “Did you just insult my mate?” he demanded.
“Absofuckinlutely not,” Fat Bastard replied, putting his little paws in the air. “Youse been in a tree lately named Nancy Lee?”
“I have,” I said, still not following.
The crazy cat chuckled. “Dat tree is a hoot,” he said. “If that wooden broad was a cat, I’d get jiggy with her in a hot sec.”
“Does that pertain to anything relevant in our current situation?” Zelda snapped, glaring at her familiar.
“Umm… no,” he admitted. “But Nancy Lee just so happens to have the sappy antidote to slug venom.”
“What the heck are the chances of that?” I asked, shocked and freaking relieved.
“Pretty damn good,” Fabio mused. “Slug Shifters are tree killers. It makes sense that the trees would create some kind of magical defense.”
Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight Page 13
