Mess Me Up

by Vale, Lani Lynn

I’d had a blissful few weeks with the man. I got my driver’s license. I drove his truck. I still couldn’t drive Vanessa’s car. We spent every waking moment together that we weren’t working. I spent time with his friends—both from his MC and his old football friends.

  And…he loved me.

  He didn’t say it often, but he didn’t need to say it for me to feel it. It showed in the little things he did for me or the way he looked at me.

  I knew he loved me.

  I also knew that, given the time to come to terms with this surprise, he’d love our baby, too.

  But, it was the “coming to terms” part of that, that gave me pause.

  I knew he wouldn’t react well.

  He’d straight out told me that he didn’t want kids.

  He’d also been talking about getting a vasectomy, he’d been that resolute about never wanting any more kids.

  And…I had a feeling that that was for just as much my benefit as it was for his.

  But…sometimes God didn’t let us choose our path in life. Sometimes, God picked you up, turned you around, and shoved you so far in the opposite direction that it took you forever to see which way was up again.

  That was where I was at right then.

  My direction had changed…and I just hoped that Rome would change his direction with me.

  Taking a deep breath, I pushed through the door of Rome’s house and went in search of him.

  It took me a while.

  He’d started to remodel, and with that remodeling came big sheets of clear plastic that cut off one room from the next.

  “Rome?” I called out, not surprised when I didn’t hear an answer.

  He was here. His bike was out front.

  But, he was likely upstairs.

  I parted the plastic in the living room and stopped next to Blitz’s cage.

  Smiling, I pulled out a leafy piece of lettuce from my purse that I’d saved from lunch and dropped it into his cage. Once satisfied that our pet was fed for the day, I started to go from room to room in search of Rome, eventually making my way upstairs.

  It was much harder upstairs.

  There were cables on the floor and so much sawdust that at times it was hard to breathe because the ventilation in this old house wasn’t as good as it was in some of the newer ones.

  I could hear him now, though, working in the room beyond his bedroom. The guestroom that Tyler and Reagan used when they stayed the night or that some of the guys from his MC crashed in when they tied one on the night before.

  I paused in the doorway, peeking through the part in the plastic sheeting to watch him as he sanded the floor of the room. Sawdust clung to his chest as sweat beaded and ran down his muscles. He had on an old pair of worn out jeans that were my favorites, and I felt my heart start to pound.

  Suddenly he looked up and grinned.

  “Hey!” he called, turning the sander off. “Everything okay?”

  I’d told him that I planned to go see my woman doctor today, but I hadn’t told him why.

  Now, I was sure that he could see the terror written on my face.

  I swallowed. “I need to talk to you, Rome.”

  He stood up, and I could see fear building in him by the way he held himself.

  He was preparing himself for a blow.

  When he’d asked why I was going to the doctor, I’d told him that I was feeling funny and something was wrong.

  Now, I had a feeling that he thought I was on the verge of dying.

  “I’m not dying, Rome,” I told him. “In fact, other than one thing, I’m perfectly healthy.”

  His shoulders slumped, and I saw his abdomen clench and unclench as he breathed through the fear.

  “Then what is it?” he asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  I swiped at the traitorous tear that slipped free of my control.

  Rome took a step toward me then, and I just knew he was about to wrap me up in a hug.

  I couldn’t have him doing that.

  When he found out, he might very well freak out on me, and despite what I’d said, I was still intimidated by his size, even though I knew he’d never hurt me on purpose.

  I held up my hand, and he halted mid-step.

  “Iz, you’re freaking me out,” he said, a frown on his face that was just as ferocious as the feeling currently taking root in my chest.

  I licked my lips, then decided—to hell with it.

  I had to tell him. There was no getting around it any longer.

  This needed to happen and denying it wasn’t going to change the fact that I was pregnant with his child.

  “I went to the doctor,” I said softly, looking at my hands. “I need to explain something. Will you sit down?”

  He shook his head.

  I sighed, unsurprised that he refused.

  “When I had my baby, it was an emergency.” I paused, swallowing. I hated retelling this day. Hated it with a passion. It was hands down the worst day of my life. “My parents signed a release and told the doctor to do whatever was necessary to save me. But, in saving me, there were unavoidable complications that damaged me and left permanent scarring. I have so much internal scarring that I was told it would be physically impossible for me to ever have another child. That day is a total blur to me…and honestly, I couldn’t tell you everything that happened. I just remember that when I woke up, they told me my baby was dead, and I’d never have children again.”

  “Your parents?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “My parents, once they signed the required consent forms, left and never came back,” I explained. “It was Slate who was with me when the doctor told me.”

  “Okay,” he nodded.

  “Apparently, there was complication after complication. I hemorrhaged. Nothing went the way it was supposed to go, and they said that I was lucky to even have all of my reproductive parts after everything that happened,” I murmured. “My brother was the one to tell me that I’d never have children again…after my child had already died.”

  “How did she die? Was she stillborn?” he asked hesitantly as if just saying the words would break me.

  They wouldn’t.

  My baby had died what felt like a lifetime ago, but still also felt like just yesterday.

  The hole in my heart would always be there. I’d been very young at the time, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted her until she was no longer there for me to have.

  I nodded. “I apparently have cysts on my ovaries and uterus. I never knew about them…and to this day, they still don’t bother me. But they believe those cysts might have had something to do with the reason I wasn’t able to carry to term and that my baby was stillborn…but they’re all educated guesses. Nobody really knows why an otherwise healthy and perfect baby dies in the womb.”

  Rome’s eyes were intense.

  And the longer I waited to tell him what I needed to tell him, the harder it got.

  “If I’d known that it was possible…” I paused. “Here.”

  I handed him a photo from today, and his eyes flicked to it.

  The moment he saw it, his entire body went still.

  Everything. His breathing. His gaze. His entire demeanor. All of it went deathly still.

  “No.”

  One word.

  One syllable.

  Half of my entire world.

  “I can’t do it, Izzy,” he whispered.

  I knew he was going to say that.

  When his eyes met mine, I offered him only understanding.

  “I know,” I told him sadly. “I know.”

  I wasn’t mad.

  I wasn’t upset.

  I wasn’t anything.

  “I just wanted you to know.”

  With that, I walked out of his door and out of his life, not once looking back.

  With no other options left to me, I walked home, wondering the whole way what in the hell I was
going to do now.

  Out of all the possibilities that were left to me, the one that reared its ugly head wasn’t the one that I ever expected.

  Chapter 20

  Someone really should’ve asked me before ruining my life. I need to be prepared for how life is going to fuck me.

  -Izzy’s secret thoughts

  Izzy

  I never wanted to drive Vanessa’s car.

  It made me want to vomit.

  Not because it was in bad shape or anything, but because of what it had once represented to my brother.

  But I was left with no other option.

  I couldn’t stay.

  Rome didn’t need to see me every day and be reminded of what he’d told himself he couldn’t have.

  I loved him too much, and having lost something so precious myself, I knew exactly where he was coming from.

  I wouldn’t do it to him. I refused.

  Which was why I was leaving.

  Or attempting to leave.

  I’d just pulled my car into my driveway when something shifted on my front porch.

  Narrowing my eyes, I was surprised to find one of my nephews—Oscar’s son, Ruben—there. On his right was a girl about his age—the same girl I’d seen in the grocery store with Rodrigo and that woman a while ago, and the same girl from the pictures I found at the senator’s house.

  I got out of the car and walked toward them, a sick feeling building in my gut.

  “Ruben?” I asked.

  Ruben stood up so abruptly that the girl leaning on him nearly went flying down my porch steps.

  “You came back!” he exclaimed.

  I frowned. “Yeah…for now anyway. Why?”

  “Can I go with you?” He paused. “Can we go with you? I overheard Dad’s phone call with you this morning. We’re both eighteen as of yesterday.”

  I frowned. When had that happened?

  Had I been so caught up in my own life that I’d forgotten something so important?

  I didn’t remember them being eighteen.

  The last time I remembered, Ruben had been sixteen…

  “Ruben, you’re not eighteen.” I paused. “And your birthday is in December.”

  I sighed, knowing that I was right, and feeling relieved that I hadn’t missed his birthday. I may not get along well with his father since he chose our parents’ side over mine, but I did love his kids, and I had since they’d been born.

  It was just hard to have a relationship with them when their parents wouldn’t allow it.

  Ruben seemed to deflate.

  “If I don’t leave, he’ll kill me,” the girl whispered.

  I felt those words in my chest.

  “What’s your name?” I asked softly.

  “Diana,” she answered immediately. “He calls me Missy, though.”

  I felt like I’d been struck in the chest.

  I knew exactly who she was talking about and wished to God that I didn’t.

  Rodrigo had called me Missy as well.

  That’s not how that is done, Missy. Try again.

  Missy, is that how we act in public?

  What do you think, Missy? Should you be allowed to eat today?

  I fucking hated him.

  And I hated it more that he was treating this young woman exactly like he’d treated me.

  If she got the nickname, she was likely getting all the other bullshit that came with it.

  The demeaning words, the ridicule, the beatings.

  “Diana…”

  “He’s going to kill you, too,” she whispered. “I heard him talking on the phone. He was talking to his partner at the firm. You’re not safe here, and neither am I.”

  No matter how much I wanted to, I wouldn’t take her with me. I’d be a fugitive then, too.

  “I’ll tell you where I’m going,” I whispered. “And if you happen to get there on your own? Well, then what a coincidence.”

  Ruben and Diana both sagged in relief, but both got up to leave only moments after that.

  “Be safe.”

  Ruben’s eyes met mine. “We will.”

  ***

  Two Days Later

  I looked around the small house with a sad smile on my face.

  “This is perfect,” I said. “You really didn’t have to do this.”

  I looked over at the woman who’d worked alongside me for my parents for years.

  She had quit a couple of months before I did because her grandmother had gotten very sick, and she then decided to stay at home after her grandmother passed away because she’d met a man here who she felt was worth pursuing.

  She had another place to live now while she settled her grandmother’s estate, and because of that, she had a house available to rent—or sublet, since she’d signed a one-year lease on it.

  “Do you want to talk about whatever it is that brought you here?” Telly asked softly. “I know that you’re not here because you want to be.”

  Here was Hostel, Texas.

  And no, I certainly wasn’t here because I wanted to be.

  “I’m not ready yet,” I admitted. “And I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”

  I didn’t place my hand on my stomach, a reflex now. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to do that constantly now. A protective measure, maybe?

  I also didn’t meet Telly’s eyes.

  Instead, I changed the subject.

  “So, you and Finley Hail, huh?” I said softly. “How did that happen?”

  She shook her head, her eyes smiling.

  “I know you’re changing the subject.” She rolled her eyes. “And Finley Hail and I haven’t happened…I’m just living in his house as a live-in nanny for his young daughter. When he’s not here, anyway. When he is, I will have an apartment over the garage so I can still be available to watch her. Plus, he’s only here a short while. He’s going back to Alabama or something as soon as he straightens out his baby-mama drama.”

  She may not have actually done anything with Finley Hail yet, but she would.

  He’d been the one to drop her off with his young daughter in the front seat, and the entire time his eyes had stayed on her.

  He’d flicked his eyes to me once, and once only, and that was it.

  “Tell me.” I gestured to the front steps. “What does Finley Hail do that keeps him away from home?”

  For a woman that ‘didn’t like him like that’ she sure had a lot of good things to say about the man.

  I also didn’t miss the way her eyes lit up each and every time she spoke about him.

  But like recognized like.

  Only a love-sick fool could spot another love-sick fool.

  Chapter 21

  Be a unicorn, not a twatapotamus.

  -Coffee Cup

  Rome

  I felt like something had been ripped straight out of my chest for the second time in my life.

  What gave me meaning two days ago was no longer possible today, and I felt like I was drowning.

  It was somehow worse, knowing that the person that I needed more than air was still alive, but just gone from my life.

  It was like I had cement shoes on my feet, and I was at the bottom of the lake. I could see the surface, but I couldn’t reach it.

  I followed her.

  The moment I knew that she was safe, I went to my best friend and ordered him to take care of her.

  Now, a month later, I was still no closer to finding my answers.

  I sat on my couch, staring at the tank Blitz was lazily chewing away at a piece of lettuce in, wondering what in the hell I was going to do.

  I knew I couldn’t keep living like this.

  I also knew that I hadn’t—wouldn’t—stop loving her.

  Which led me to thinking about things and realizing that I needed some perspective.

  I picked up my gym bag and walked out the door, slamming it closed behind me without bothering to
lock it.

  The only thing that I cared about was an hour and a half away, hiding.

  Then again, wasn’t that what I was doing, too?

  My phone rang. “I’m on my way, fucker.”

  “You better not be unless you’re seriously going to do something about it,” Tyler growled.

  I frowned, surprised to even be hearing from him.

  Tyler and I had a falling out…again.

  Needless to say, he wasn’t happy to learn that Izzy had moved to his town—without me. At first, I’d gone by his house to tell him to watch over my Izzy. To keep an eye on her in case she needed anything, or in case Rodrigo decided to show his ugly mug. Tyler hadn’t understood what was happening or why I was refusing to talk about it.

  Then Izzy had started to show that she was pregnant with my baby, and Tyler had figured it out. He realized pretty quickly that I freaked out something fierce—which I had—and then he accused me of being a coward—which I was.

  Then he started calling me to tell me each and every time he saw her in town doing something or going somewhere, by freakin’ walking again, that I was a piece of shit for not manning up for my woman and the life that we had created.

  Needless to say, each time he called, I got less polite about it. And each time I called him to check on her, he refused to tell me anything more than that she was okay.

  Yes, our relationship was strained, and honestly, I didn’t blame him for his anger.

  Hell, I was angry at myself.

  But I was just so goddamned scared.

  Scared that this baby would die like her first one. Scared that it was something in my genetic makeup that had caused Matias to get sick—even though everyone told me it wasn’t my fault.

  “Rome,” Tyler growled impatiently.

  I swallowed past the lump that was now a constant fixture in my throat since she’d left me and continued to push my way outside.

  “What do you want?” I snarled, losing my temper.

  I’d been doing that a lot, lately, too.

  My mood was horrific, everybody said so.

  But that was what happened when your heart was ripped out of your chest, and your worst fears were realized.

  I hadn’t realized how much I would miss her until she was gone. I hadn’t realized just how much her presence in my life kept me sane.

  I had taken so many things about her for granted, and I hadn’t realized it until she was gone.