Wolfsong

by T. J. Klune

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

  He said, “My turn. Ox. Ox. Am I still your friend? Because I don’t know if I can stand not being your friend. And your brother. Please say that I’m still your brother. Because I need you to be. I need it so bad. I don’t know what to do if you’re not. Ox, just please say I’m—”

  And I put my head down on the desk and cried.

  THEY FOUND us sometime later, Gordo crouched down at my side, rubbing his forehead against my shoulder, both of us sniffling and wiping our faces.

  “Jesus Christ,” Tanner muttered.

  “It smells like feelings in here,” Rico said. “Is that what I would say if I was a werewolf?”

  “Are you guys crying all over each other?” Chris demanded. “I thought we could still be angry at him! Ox, you traitor!”

  I laughed wetly. At the rate I was going, I’d never be a man like my daddy said a man should be. I didn’t think that was such a bad thing anymore.

  Gordo muttered something darkly, still pressed against me, hand gripping mine. I didn’t know that I was ready to let him go just yet.

  “We can still be mad at him,” Tanner said. “Even if Ox caved already.”

  “Three days, alfa,” Rico said with a glare. “You lasted three days.”

  “I’m still going to be mad,” Chris said.

  “Twenty-five years we’ve been friends,” Tanner said.

  “And you kept this shit from us,” Rico said. “Brujo.”

  “You told us things were just weird sometimes,” Chris said.

  “That your tattoos didn’t move,” Tanner said. “That we were just crazy.”

  “Or that when you broke up with Mark, that’s all it was,” Rico said. “Just a breakup.”

  “And that your father was in jail for murder,” Chris said. “Not that he had murdered people with magic.”

  “In hindsight, it kind of makes sense.” Tanner frowned.

  “Now that we’re saying all this out loud, I feel kind of stupid.” Rico scowled.

  “Like, why did we even believe him when he disappeared on full moons sometimes?” Chris sighed.

  “But we’re still mad at you,” Tanner said.

  “Because you’re an asshole,” Rico said.

  “The biggest asshole,” Chris said.

  They crossed their arms over their chests and glared at Gordo.

  “I missed you guys,” Gordo said hoarsely. “More than you could possibly know.”

  “Goddammit,” Tanner said.

  “Mierda,” Rico said.

  “We need to hug now,” Chris said.

  And they piled on top of us.

  I WALKED home that night.

  The stars shone overhead.

  I reached the dirt road that led to the house at the end of the lane.

  Joe was there.

  I hadn’t seen him since the first day.

  He was dressed normally now. A pair of jeans. A soft sweater.

  He’d shaved the beard off. I saw the boy in him that he’d once been.

  Barely, but still there.

  Just… more, now.

  He wasn’t the seventeen-year-old boy he’d been.

  Bigger. Stronger. A man. An Alpha.

  He didn’t say anything as I approached.

  We were the same height now. I was sure of it.

  I wondered how big his wolf was now. If he shifted and looked like his father.

  I had so many questions.

  But I couldn’t.

  I said, “Not yet,” knowing full well that it would burn.

  He flinched but didn’t speak.

  I walked by him without stopping.

  TWO DAYS later, Carter and Kelly kidnapped me.

  Technically.

  I came out of the diner after I’d finished up a sandwich for lunch. Before I could even take a step to cross the street back to the garage, a familiar SUV squealed to a stop in front of me. I barely had a chance to react before the passenger door was thrown open and two wolves glared at me.

  “Get in,” Carter said.

  “Or what?” I said.

  “Or we’ll make you,” Kelly said.

  “Really. You want to try that again?”

  “Sure,” Carter said. “Get in now.”

  “Before we drag your ass along,” Kelly said.

  I contemplated walking away.

  “Fucking werewolves,” I muttered.

  I got in the SUV.

  They looked surprised when they turned back to stare at me.

  “Well?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.

  “I didn’t think that would actually work,” Carter said.

  “Seriously,” Kelly said with a frown. “I thought there’d be a lot more posturing.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know what that is.”

  “He means he thought we’d actually have to drag your ass,” Carter said.

  “Oh. So. You were going to kidnap me—”

  “Not kidnap. You can’t kidnap someone your size, what the fuck—”

  “—kidnap me, and what? Sit here and stare?” I shook my head. “Jesus, how the hell did you guys survive this long on your own?”

  They glared at me.

  I glared right back and felt something settle in my chest. Like a crack filled.

  I gave them an out. “Right. So. I have work to do. If we could get this started? So it’ll be finished.”

  “You’re not going back to work,” Kelly said. “Not today.”

  “Gordo’s already there,” Carter said, turning back around and pulling away from the curb. “Decided now would be a good time to get back to the shop. Lucky us, because now we have all the time in the world.”

  “Did he?” I asked, unsure whether to be amused or irritated. A little of both seemed right. “Seemed he forgot to mention that to me.” Probably for good reason too. While we were on the mend, I don’t know if I’d have agreed to this had I known ahead of time. And I think everyone knew that. I was a stubborn ass when I needed to be.

  “Well, the shop is called Gordo’s,” Carter said. “I’m sure he didn’t think he had to.”

  “He’ll probably need to relearn a few things,” I said. “Three years is a long time to be away.”

  They both winced at that.

  “He’s been doing it for years,” Carter muttered.

  “It’s not like he would have forgotten,” Kelly mumbled. “It wasn’t that lo—”

  “Don’t,” I said, my voice deeper than it normally was. “Don’t you dare say it wasn’t that long. You have no idea what it was like here. So don’t you say that.”

  The rest of the trip was silent.

  I WAS surprised when the SUV stopped and I found we were out by the old covered bridge. It was in the middle of the day on a weekday, so we were alone. Carter got out first, slamming the door behind him. We watched as he paced in front of the SUV, glaring at the bridge. He was growling, something I could hear even though the windows weren’t rolled down.

  “We can smell them,” Kelly said. The Omegas.

  “There was a lot of blood.”

  Kelly watched his brother. “Mark told us. Not everything. Some parts. Said the rest needed to come from you. Joe wasn’t too happy about that.”

  I snorted. “I don’t expect he was.”

  “It was hard for him. For all of us.”

  “Just as hard for us who were left behind.”

  “We didn’t want to leave.”

  “You did.”

  “Joe… no. That’s not fair. We all made the same choice. He didn’t make us.” Kelly sighed. “I can smell your blood too. Here. And my mother’s.”

  “It happens when you’re fighting against fang and claw.”

  “Do you understand?”

  “What?” I asked, watching Carter as he stalked the area where we’d fought, stopping every now and then to glare at the dirt.

  “Why we made the choices we made.”

  I could lie, but he would know. Th
ey both would, because I knew Carter was listening in.

  “No,” I said, “I don’t. You kept shit from me. After. You acted like I wasn’t a part of this. A part of you. You made decisions without me.”

  “You’d just lost your mother—”

  “So you all decided the best thing was for me to lose the rest of you too?” I asked. “Because that’s what happened. I lost my mother. And my Alpha. And then my brothers and my… Joe. That’s what I lost. Because you all decided to—”

  “We just wanted to keep you safe,” Kelly said, frustration bleeding through. “I know you don’t like it, but I sure as hell hope you can understand at least that.”

  I laughed. “Understand? Sure. Why not. Do you understand why I’m so angry I can barely think straight? Do you understand why just the sight of you makes me happy and sick all at the same time? That I don’t know whether or not to hug you or kick your fucking ass?”

  He bowed his head.

  “Of course you don’t. Because you chose the path of least resistance. All you could think about, all he could think about, was revenge. Not the consequences of staying here. Of dealing with the grief of losing pack. Of losing your goddamned Alpha. And since the new Alpha made this decision that you all went right along with, we were forced to make good with all we had left. So yes. There is blood here. My blood. And your mother’s. And Mark’s. And every single other person in my pack. Because they bled here. For me. For you. And for him.”

  Carter had stopped, hands fisted at his sides, shoulders tensed. Listening.

  “We tried,” Kelly said in a broken voice. “We wanted—just. There wasn’t a day that went by, Ox. Okay? That we didn’t think of you. That we didn’t wish we were home with you. And Mom. And Mark. I know you lost your mother, Ox. And we lost our father, but when—we. When we left, it was the hardest thing we ever had to do. You think we didn’t grieve? We did. We grieved for our father. For our Alpha. But it was nothing compared to the grief of leaving you all behind.”

  “You should have come home.”

  “We should have.”

  “You shouldn’t have cut us off.”

  Kelly reached up and wiped his eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “I know. But I also know why we did. Gordo… he. Uh. He fought against that. Said it was stupid. That you… you wouldn’t understand. But it was different. For us. For the wolves. Because we were all tethered to you then, Ox, okay? And it hurt. It hurt. And we couldn’t do what we needed to do by being tied to you. By seeing your words on his phone. By—”

  “Was it worth it?”

  He looked out the window at his brother. “Some days, I think it was. Some days I don’t. Most days, I don’t know what to think. Because I don’t know how we fit. You can feel it, can’t you?”

  He opened the door and got out.

  I watched them both through the window.

  Kelly went and stood next to his brother, shoulder to shoulder.

  Carter looked tense. They both did.

  I thought maybe they could be mistaken for twins now, not just for how they looked, but for the same haunted expressions on their faces. The way they wore their guilt.

  It had hurt when they left.

  When my mother died. When Thomas died.

  But we grieved. For them. For all of them.

  And it still hurt. But maybe not as sharply as it had before.

  They hadn’t gotten that.

  Because they’d been surrounded by it. By Richard Collins, and all that they’d done.

  They’d made their choices, yes.

  Whether by family or obligation.

  And they’d never had a chance to stop. To rest. To mourn everything they’d lost.

  It hurt my heart.

  I followed them out.

  They looked up at me as I walked slowly toward them.

  “I don’t know how to forgive you,” I admitted. “To forgive Joe.”

  “You forgave Gordo,” Carter said, sounding bitter. “That seemed easy enough.”

  “I didn’t forgive him for shit. Just because I talked to him doesn’t mean anything. Trust me, he’s in no different position than any of you.”

  “I would do it again,” Carter said.

  Kelly made a strangled noise.

  “Would you?” I asked.

  “If it all happened again, if we had to do every single thing again, I would.” He was defiant. Angry. Scared.

  “Why?”

  “Because we had to go.”

  “You could have taken me too.”

  Carter looked frustrated. “You don’t understand.”

  “I think we’ve established that.”

  “Dad knew.”

  Kelly said, “Carter.”

  Carter ignored him. He kept his gaze on me.

  I glanced between them. Then, “Knew what?”

  “He didn’t say it. Not in so many words. Not straight out.”

  Kelly said, “Carter, maybe he should hear this from—”

  Carter said, “He told us to protect you. That you were special. That you were different. That if something ever happened to him, we needed to make sure you were safe. Just like we would keep Mom safe. Because you were important. But it was different with you.”

  I felt gut-punched. My heart was breaking all over again.

  “And something did happen to him. He died. And Joe became our Alpha. And all he could think about was stopping this once and for all. All we could think about was keeping you safe. Because if Osmond knew what you were, then Richard did too. And if Richard knew, then you weren’t safe.”

  “So you left,” I said.

  “Maybe not the best choice,” he said. “But it was the only choice.”

  “It sure as hell wasn’t,” I snapped at him. “You could have—”

  “We left to end this. To draw attention away from you and find him ourselves,” Carter said. “We left to keep you safe, and by warding you in, we hoped we could keep the others out. We did our best, Ox. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t know. But I would do it again if it meant keeping you safe. Because I don’t think any of us were surprised to come back and see what you’d become. I think Dad knew before all of us that this is who you would be. You made a pack, Ox, out of humans. No one could have done that but you. I’m sorry we left. I’m sorry you felt like we’d abandoned you. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you any of this. But you are my brother. You are Kelly’s brother. We would do anything for you.”

  “You can’t leave again,” I said, voice rough. “Not again. You can’t. You would do anything for me? Good. Fine. Don’t leave.”

  Carter and Kelly exchanged a look before shrugging almost in unison.

  “Sure,” Carter said.

  “Fine,” Kelly said.

  I stared at them. “That’s it?”

  They tackled me even before I knew what was happening.

  WE LAY tangled on the ground, Kelly with his head on my stomach, rising with every breath I took. Carter clung to my arm and hand, palm to palm, fingers gripped tight.

  The anger was melting away.

  I struggled to hold on to it, because I thought it was too easy to let it go.

  That there should be more to it than this.

  But it was green in its relief.

  I hadn’t forgiven them. Gordo. The two wolves curled against me. But I would. Not today. And probably not tomorrow.

  But eventually.

  Joe, though. I didn’t know about him. Everything was wrapped up in him. It didn’t seem fair that I could find forgiveness in the others, but not in him.

  Kelly sighed and buried his face against my chest, rubbing his nose back and forth.

  “Okay,” Carter said. “I gotta ask, just because someone has to.”

  That didn’t sound good.

  “Jessie,” Carter said.

  “Oh,” I said. “What about her?”

  “You banging her?” Carter asked.

  “Banging,” I repeated.

  “You smell like her,”
Kelly said.

  “I smell like your mother too, I’m sure.”

  They both scowled at me.

  “Holy shit, that’s not what I meant. Jesus, don’t tell her I said that. And no, fuck, I’m not banging Jessie. There hasn’t been anything between us in a very long time. She had a date the other night. With a history teacher.”

  “So you didn’t bang her while we were gone?”

  “Stop saying banging!”

  “Seriously, Carter,” Kelly said. “That’s gross.” Then, “Are you banging Robbie?”

  “Oh my god,” I muttered.

  “That’s not a no.”

  “No.”

  “He’s protective of you,” Carter said.

  “I’m his Alpha.”

  “Seemed a little more than that,” Kelly said.

  “I hate you both.”

  “Still not a no.”

  “It’s not—look. It’s—”

  “He has a crush on you!” Carter said, sounding rather gleeful at the prospect.

  “It’s not a crush—”

  “Dude,” Kelly said. “You didn’t build a pack. You built a harem.”

  “Kelly!” Carter yelped. “Mom is in his harem!”

  Kelly paled. “Oh my god. And Mark.”

  “Working your way through the whole family, eh, Ox?” Carter said. “You kissed me first and it couldn’t quench your insatiable thirst for Bennett.”

  “At least you’re both still idiots,” I muttered.

  They laughed at me.

  It was a nice sound, even if it hurt to hear after so long.

  “Joe’s not a fan,” Carter said easily.

  “Of?”

  “Jessie being in your pack. But mostly Robbie. That was quite the statement he made when we got back, his hand on you. Like he was keeping you calm.”

  “He was.”

  “Well shit,” Kelly said. “That’s not going to go over well.”

  “What isn’t?” I asked.