by Kaira Rouda
“We have such a connection, it’s like an electrical current or something. Whenever he’s even in the same room, I feel him before I even see him. It’s Pavlovian,” Madison said.
“It’s called pheromones. His alpha-male pheromones. They’re probably more intense because you guys never did it,” Annie said, laughing.
“Oh my gosh, are we in high school? Stop it,” Madison said, blushing as she realized Annie could be right. “So if we’d slept together, I’d be over him, the pheromone power would be gone, is that what you’re saying? But I didn’t back then, so if I do it now, I’ll get him out of my system? You’re crazy.”
“No I’m not. That’s what you should do. Why not today?” Annie said, hoisting herself up on her elbows. “Whoa, that was a big old knee or something,” She said as she grabbed her stomach. Madison watched in awe as a lump travel across Annie’s stomach under the bright yellow fabric. Being around Annie she could almost imagine being a mom herself someday, until Annie’s belly took on a life of its own.
“I’m not sleeping with anybody if that’s what happens,” Madison said, pointing to Annie’s belly.
“Very funny. You and Josh just need to make love, find out what’s there. Until you do, well, I think every other relationship will end wrong,” Annie said. “Like right now, with Dolby. Part of the reason you haven’t talked is because Josh is back in town. Admit it.”
“You’re wrong. I haven’t seen Josh for a lifetime until now so he hasn’t influenced anything about me or my relationships. I’ve ruined them on my own, thank you very much,” Madison said, as a young couple walked by hand in hand. “I’m sure I won’t be seeing him, well until the screen test,” Madison said.
“Screen test?”
“My boss is forcing me to do a cameo on Josh’s show, extolling the virtues of the Mondrian. I’m going to suck. I haven’t been on camera since high school. They’ll be sorry,” Madison said, already envisioning the embarrassment she’d feel, and her boss Bob would feel by extension.
“When do you have to do that?” Annie said, sitting up. “This is great. Back on television where you belong. I miss it, too. We had some good times then and you were a natural.”
For the second time in less than a day someone close to Madison had told her she belonged on television, the exact opposite of her opinion of herself, her life, her purpose. She’d been firmly attached to living a quiet, anonymous life. “I belong in resort management,” Madison said, closing her eyes and rolling back onto the sand next to Annie.
“Hey, Madison,” a deep voice said. Madison opened her eyes and was staring into Josh’s smiling face, and at his gorgeous, shirtless body. He was glistening with sweat, presumably from a jog on the beach. Madison sat up, suddenly self-conscious about how she looked; the pheromones or whatever it was had her skin tingling, her body alive. “Hey Annie. It’s like a high school reunion around here. You’re pregnant.”
“You’re brilliant,” Annie said, managing to sit up and snarl at Josh at the same time. “Why’d you come back here, movie star? I thought you were happy in your ‘gorgeous Hollywood Hills home’.” Annie had used air quotes to emphasize she’d read the tabloid spread about his fabulous life.
“LA isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. A lot of crazy people,” Josh said, sitting down next to Madison, their thighs touching. Madison wanted to leave, even as her body was acutely aware of his broad shoulders, his broad white smile, his dimple, his – stop it she told herself. “And about last night Madison. I just want to – ”
“It’s fine,” Madison said, turning to look down the beach, spotting Dolby walking out of the surf, bright blue board under his arm. Was he walking towards them?
“Who is this fiancé of yours?” Annie said. “How dare you take Madison out to dinner and not mention the fact that you’re engaged.”
“Look, that’s what I’m trying to explain. Madison, please,” Josh said. She felt his hand on her shoulder and it sent an electrical current through her. She turned to face him, away from Dolby. He’d taken off his sunglasses and his blue eyes were the color of the ocean, staring into her heart. “She’s not my fiancée, never was, never will be. She’s just a girl I dated for a while, who I let move in to help pay the mortgage on my ‘gorgeous Hollywood Hills home’. She thought we were more than we were.”
“Obviously,” Madison said, breaking eye contact and looking down at the sand. Next to her, Annie stirred trying to get comfortable despite the beach ball in her stomach.
“Well, if you’re not going to say it, Madison, then I am,” Annie said. “You use women to get what you want, Josh. It’s the same thing you did with Laura back in high school and then on the spin off show, right? Are you going to tell Madison that didn’t mean anything either? I’m sort of sick of your excuses Josh and I haven’t even seen you in fifteen years, except on the small screen.”
Josh didn’t turn to look at Annie. Instead he kept his gaze locked on Madison, and she could feel it, even though she still was staring down at the sand. “I told Madison what happened, we talked it through at dinner Friday night. But I’ll tell you, too, Annie. The Laura thing was scripted. There never was anything between Laura and me until Madison stopped talking to me. That’s the truth.”
“Why didn’t you tell her that back then? Tell Madison that slimy producer made you act like a cheater,” Annie said. Madison looked up, watching as her best friend defended her.
“He tried, Annie. I wouldn’t talk to him, I never had until he walked into the lobby Friday afternoon,” Madison said, brushing her hands together to remove the tiny grains of sand clinging to her palms. She glanced down the beach and saw Dolby closing in on them. He’d seen her, too.
“Well, you two definitely need to talk then,” Annie said as she stood up shaking the sand from her sunny dress. “I’ve got to get back home, so I’ll leave you to it.”
“Hey Annie, Madison,” Dolby said as he walked up to them, casting a shadow over Madison and Josh. Madison didn’t feel the same tingling she felt with Josh. There may be feelings, but definitely not as intense. Nowhere near.
“Hey, Dolby,” Annie said. “That’s Josh and those two need to talk. Walk me to my car?”
Madison looked up at Dolby, his blond hair dripping, his tall thin body tanned and toned and perfect. His kind gray eyes were taking in the scene, including the fact she was sitting very close to Josh. She knew they had to talk, too. She’d forced him to watch Laguna Nights, and he had. He knew who she was now, who she’d been. But they hadn’t spoken since.
“It’s alright Annie. I need to talk with Dolby,” Madison said, torn between her past and the guy she’d been spending most of the present with. Madison stood up, and Dolby gave her a kiss on the cheek, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. It was a possessive move, completely unlike him. Josh had dropped his sunglasses back over his eyes, Madison noticed. Josh stood up on the sand, and the two men were eye-to-eye, their height being the only similar characteristic in their frames - Josh’s broad and muscular, Dolby’s lean and fit.
“Wait you’re the dude from that show. I just watched the episode where you cheated on Madison,” Dolby said, dropping his board in the sand, hands on his hips. “She had a total breakdown the next episode, man. That was awful. How do you do something like that to someone like her?”
“I was young and stupid, and I was caught up in the show, the fame,” Josh said. “I’ll get out of your way. See you later, Madison. Annie, I’ll walk you to your car if you’d like.”
Madison didn’t want Josh to leave, but she had to talk to Dolby, explain what was going on, even if she couldn’t quite explain it herself.
“That would be lovely. My own celebrity escort,” Annie said. Kissing Madison on the cheek, she whispered, “Call me later.” Josh nodded and walked away.
“You like that guy, even after what happened on that show?” Dolby said, his arms were crossed on his chest, his jaw clenched. “I mean, it took me a couple of days to get over it, ju
st watching what they did to you. I mean the girls, sure, they were horrible but he was the douche who made it all come together.”
Madison felt the shame from the show, from high school, from her weight gain, from living on the wrong side of the tracks. She felt the loneliness wash over her again. She tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat, the lump of hurt and despair she’d worked so hard to move past. “Dolby, I know. Remember, I was there. The show wasn’t the whole story though, I’ve learned that now,” Madison said, thinking back on what Josh had said, how they’d made him out to be the playboy for bigger ratings, to make them all more money. She felt her shoulders tensing and reminded herself to relax. It was all in the past.
“Well, so you’re getting back together with him? That guy? Man, Madison, you’re something,” Dolby said, bending to pick up his board. “Are you already a thing?”
“No, of course not. I haven’t seen him for fifteen years. He got to town Friday, we just, well had dinner, that’s all,” Madison said, reaching down for her tennis shoes lying in the sand.
“I saw the photo of you two in town. The guys at the surf shop made sure I saw it. You could’ve given me a heads up, you know, before the guys at the shop had a chance to pull it up online,” Dolby said. “’Laguna Nights are heating up again now that Holly is back in shape and better than ever! Hot!’ What a headline. And to think, me, your supposed boyfriend just found out you had a whole other life going by the name of Holly, right here in this good ole town.”
“That’s why I wanted you to see the show, to understand my past, so you wouldn’t be the only one who didn’t know about all of that,” Madison said, but his eyes were squinted, arms still crossed. He’d made up his mind, she was sure of it.
“I must be the last guy on earth not to know how screwed up you are. It’s all crazy, Madison, or whatever you want to go by now. I’ll see you around,” Dolby said, picking up his board.
Madison dropped her head into her hand. She couldn’t explain anything that had happened during the show senior year. She knew she had seemed crazy on air after Josh’s betrayal. The producer had edited episode five together in a manner that made her seem suicidal, using only shots of her crying and looking pathetic. They even asked the other kids on camera if they were worried about her, and they’d all said yes, of course. It hadn’t mattered that in remaining episodes that followed, she seemed normal, although very overweight and clearly depressed. She had been trapped by her contract and the last months of her senior year in high school. Her image as the crazy, suicidal scorned chubby girl was set. And that’s who Dolby was seeing now, for the first time. She could tell – it was in his sad, angry gray eyes.
“Dolby wait,” Madison said, starting after him on the beach, walking quickly to catch up.
“What, Madison?” he said.
“I’m not crazy,” Madison said.
“No, I am for trying to love you,” Dolby said before he ran up the stairs to the street.
As she watched him disappear at the top of the stairs, her view of his back blocked by the throng of tourists descending the stairs to the beach, Madison turned around and walked toward the ocean. At the shoreline, she started walking toward town, the cold water, mid-calf, but she didn’t mind the chill. It was punishment, for being so selfish, for letting Dolby in, and then pushing him away just when they had both grown closer. Close enough, at least, she’d confided in him about the TV show. Not close enough to make it past that. Not with Josh in town.
She certainly couldn’t explain what had happened since Friday afternoon. Not to Dolby, not to Annie or her mom. Not even to herself.
Lost in thought, Madison wandered up to the Main Beach boardwalk and sat down on the edge of the wooden walkway, waiting for the air to dry her feet enough to put on her shoes and socks. As she sat, she had a flashback to the bonfire scene, shot just a few feet from where she was. That had been season one, their junior year, when everything was light and bright, at least for the juniors like her on the show. The producers didn’t push and fuel the drama until senior year, she realized.
They’d all been so young, doing what the adults wanted was natural. The adults were the professionals, Hollywood producers. The kids – most everyone but Madison it seemed – thrived in the attention and spotlight of instant celebrity. They were having fun, and making money doing it. And as far as her mom was concerned, earning money to pay for her college expenses, well, that had been a no-brainer. Francine had told Madison she should be flattered to have been asked, thrilled to be a part of it. Her mom had signed the contract as soon as Madison had brought it home, celebrating inside their tiny apartment in the canyon with a hot dog and French fry dinner.
Madison stretched her arms above her head and tried to believe she’d been lucky to have been part of Laguna Nights. It was ground-breaking as one of the first reality shows, a now ubiquitous category on television featuring some of the worst people doing horrible things as far as Madison was concerned. In comparison, their show seemed tame and innocent. And maybe it would have been, if it wasn’t available to everyone, forever. That part of her life, Heavy Holly, a staple of each generation’s streaming video experience.
Madison shook her head. A little girl in a pink sundress and matching sandals walked toward her on the boardwalk. Madison smiled as the girl discovered the playground just off the boardwalk, grabbing her mom’s hand, yanking on it to hurry up. Sometimes, Madison remembered the good from the show. The little girls asking for autographs who would whisper, “You’re my favorite.” The moms who told her she was a good role model, a good girl. Madison was always the good girl. The poor girl. Then, the fat girl.
Her feet were dry enough to pull on her socks and shoes. The boardwalk was packed, even though most Sunday afternoons saw a mass exodus of tourists heading back inland. But it was early still, just 3 p.m. Madison crossed the swath of green grass separating the beach from Coast Highway and waited at the light behind a group of twenty or more tourists following a woman with a yellow flag. People came from all over to experience her town for a weekend, or even one day. And she got to live here. She reminded herself that she was blessed.
Madison walked two blocks down Ocean Avenue, past the sushi restaurant and the Irish pub, past Whole Foods and realized she was getting hungry again when she walked past Zinc Café. She’d stop by for takeout on her way home, she decided. Next door was the bus stop, and finally, she reached the Laguna Art Supply. Her mom loved new painting supplies, and Madison loved making her smile. Inside, the store was filled to the brim with stretched canvases, paints, markers, brushes, pens, pastels, pencils and enough other treasures- sculpting supplies and collectibles - to keep her wandering around for hours. But, she had to shop quickly and get back home. She’d called Bob this morning, asking for a meeting and it was set for five o’clock this afternoon. She picked out a soft brush and two tubes of acrylic paint – one a vibrant blue and the other a soft yellow. Her mom would be so excited. Madison paid and walked back into the bright sunshine. If she had more time, she’d walk through a couple of the art galleries that made Laguna Beach famous.
Instead, she walked back to Zinc Café to get a snack, and there stood Josh, grabbing a sandwich from the case.
“Those are my favorite, too,” Madison said, referring to the mini baguette with cheese and arugula.
“I’m not following you, I promise,” Josh said, grinning at her, the dimple flashing. He was wearing a black baseball hat and his sunglasses, and he’d pulled his shirt back on for town.
“You were here first,” Madison said, grabbing a sandwich and a bottle of water.
“How’s the boyfriend?” Josh said as they walked to the front of the store and joined the line to check out.
“Well…angry, confused, hurt,” Madison said.
Josh frowned. “Sorry if I had anything to do with it,” Josh said and turned to the cashier, “I’ve got all this. Plus an iced tea with an orange slice.”
Madison watched a
s the cashier did a double take, watching Josh intently. Madison could tell the woman wanted to ask if Josh was a celebrity, but then thought better of it, handing him his change, and his iced tea without saying a word. But it was in her eyes, like Chrissy at work, the shine of a celebrity sighting. Madison made sure to give the woman a warm smile before following Josh out the door to the outside patio. They settled into a two-top in the corner.
“Thanks for buying me lunch. And, um, sorry about what’s-her-name, if I had anything to do with it,” Madison said, biting into her sandwich to cover her smile.
“It’s crazy, this,” Josh said gesturing with his left hand.
“You mean Laguna Beach, being back here?” she said.
“No. I mean us. How much I missed you. This,” Josh said.
Madison felt her face flush as she felt his hand closing over hers on the metal table. She didn’t know what to say, what to feel - what was right, what was wrong. In less than a week, he’d be back in LA. She couldn’t allow herself to get attached again. She couldn’t.
She pulled her hand away and took a deep breath. She needed to keep a wary distance from this man who hurt her so deeply in the past, who would easily hurt her again for ratings, for money. “Josh, look, I missed you, too. But, this is nothing. We’re just holding onto the past. But that’s over, long over.”
“You’re wrong, Holls,” Josh said. “This is my future, and you’re part of it.”
Madison wished she could believe him, her heart wanted his words to be true, but she knew better. She’d watched his actions speak louder than words on camera just like everyone else had.
“I’ve got to go. I have a screen test to get out of. Thanks again and I’ll see you at the resort,” she said, standing up from the table.
Josh stood up, too, reaching for her arm and sending electricity through her system. “You have to do the show with me. We’ll make a great team. We can start there, and then see about the rest. Please.”
Everything in her heart told her to say yes, everything in her head told her to say no. Her life was fine just the way it was, the way it should be.
