Then again, I have created a kind of ‘home away from home’ at the regular events on the WSL circuit now that I’ve been to each place multiple times. Let’s see… There’s the Bonjour Café in France, which makes the best café au lait, the lovely Hotel Cascais in Portugal, and I always look forward to the friendly local community at the Namotu Island Resort in Fiji. I know, I know, I’m pretty damn lucky.
Anyway, who do I want to catch up with while I’m here? I pondered. I hadn’t made much of an effort in previous couple years because Derek was always with me, so we’d mostly stay in and read or watch Netflix. My introverted side loved it!
Ha, I’m so slack! But not this time, I decided. Nope, this time I’m going to make an effort to be… what do they call it? Oh yeah… ‘social’.
I grabbed my phone from the floor, sprawled onto the bed and began scrolling through my list of contacts, looking for names of friends in the area. Unfortunately, it quickly became apparent that, aside from Sophie, I didn’t have many mates around. Duh, I was only here because S had moved here from Manly! But then again, I didn’t have many friends in Manly these days either. I mean, I hadn’t even been in Australia for heaps of time before I’d started touring. In case anyone needed proof, my American accent still lingered.
I switched to Instagram for a more entertaining distraction. Looking through my feed @surfergirlskickass, I thought about the fact that I desperately needed to post some photos. I had completely ignored Insta this past month, and knew it was poor form to abandon my amazing followers who were waiting to hear from me, not to mention my sponsorship considerations. But my heart just hadn’t been in it.
How was I supposed to post beautiful, happy photos when I wasn’t feeling remotely beautifully happy? And I certainly couldn’t post pics of the way I really felt, because that’s not what people wanted to see from me, right? I know I could’ve faked it just as easily, but I didn’t want to. It didn’t seem like the right thing to do.
Oh well, I’ll get to that soon enough, I thought to myself optimistically. I let my phone drop onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. Nothing doing. Just staring, letting my mind wander. It was relaxing. Eventually, my eyelids grew heavy and sleep took over.
I have no idea how long I passed out for, but I know I still would’ve been, if not for the flash of light that startled me awake. I opened my eyes, expecting it to be the afternoon sun. And while there was a blindingly bright light that shone from the window and onto my bed, everything else around me was dark. What the…? I reached over and turned on the lamp next to my bed, which only blinded me even more.
‘Ah, dammit!’ I said out loud, covering my eyes with my hands as I sat up and leaned back against the wall. I waited until the odd, burning sensation in my eyeballs subsided before opening them again. But this time, standing in front of the magical shining light was – yep, you guessed it – Teo.
Okay, now things were making sense!
‘Aces to you for a grand entrance, Teo,’ I whispered loudly.
I squinted, struggling to get a clear view of him while I spoke, but the light made it difficult to make out many details. What I could see was that he was wearing a collared, button-down shirt, white I think, and dark pants. I recognized the face I saw on the plane, mainly from the chiselled structure of his jawline and from the way strands of hair brushed along his chin, but that was about it.
‘Can you come closer?’ I whispered. ‘I can barely see you.’
‘You will begin to see me more clearly throughout the days. Have patience, sweet child. As your trust and faith increases, your fear will slowly melt away, and I will come closer.’
I listened to what he said, interpreted it, and responded, ‘So what you’re saying is that this is all I can handle?’
He laughed gently while nodding his head in agreement as I felt the word ‘self-talk’ enter my mind. I couldn’t see his eyes clearly, but I knew that he was looking straight at me, and that this word had to have come from him.
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had any encounters with angels, but I tell ya, it was impossible to argue with this one. I was consumed by the love emanating from his presence.
‘You know, this is all very surreal, Teo, and normally I’d be totally freaked out about a stranger showing up in my room unannounced, but I feel so warm and safe with you here. You are… so… beautiful.’
‘That’s because I’m a reflection of your potential, Zoe. You are also a beautiful being full of light. You are also able to emanate a sense of warmth and love that extends far beyond your sight.’
‘Wow, that seems impossible,’ I replied.
‘It is possible. This feeling you have when you’re in my presence is your natural state. You must be patient with yourself as you uncover the blocks that prevent you from embodying the truth within you.’
I always needed a moment to let his words sink in. They were so profound and often difficult to accept. I mean, who talked like this?
‘Teo, anyone who knows me well knows that patience is a concept I don’t care to practice. I mean, when I know what I want, I want it now. And anyway, I thought we already covered this.’
‘Yes, exactly,’ he said.
A long silence was shared between us and I felt comfort in that moment, even though I knew I was being a major brat. What can I say? I was rebelling against the very thing I wanted to experience for myself.
He broke the silence a few minutes later saying, ‘Today is about positive self-talk.’
I wisely decided I would be better off to just listen, so I kept my mouth shut, nodding my head in agreement instead. Teo smiled and continued.
‘Self-talk, in a general sense, is what you say to yourself from moment to moment as you go about your day. For example, you are eliminated early on in a competition. What do you normally say to yourself?’
I suspected he wanted me to respond.
‘Oh, um, well, I’ve been pretty hard on myself. I get angry and tell myself I suck, and then, uh, I probably take my frustration out on Derek.’
‘Yes, and then what happens?’
‘And then I avoid talking to everyone else and feel bad about myself. And jealous, and moody, and competitive in a bad way.’
I honestly couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I wasn’t one to admit these things out loud. Not even to myself. Maybe Teo was like my own personal truth serum.
‘Yes, Zoe. This is a decision you make based on how you choose to see your ‘self’. On the other hand, you could choose to see yourself in a different, more positive light. What else could you choose?’
It felt hard to think of something positive. I was so used to reacting negatively that it had become my go-to response. Nothing was coming to me, so I looked up and let out a big sigh, as I realized how far into the darkness I had gone...
‘Good, Zoe, you are beginning to see the thoughts you have been choosing to think, and how they have been affecting you. Now, let your mind come back to the light, and choose again.’
‘But how do I find something positive out of a negative experience?’ I was stumped.
‘Zoe, try to embrace the experience as a gift, by always seeing that there is something to gain from it. For example, think about what happens when someone gets lost on a road trip. They could become upset, focusing on the wrong turn and lost time, and its inconvenience. But they could choose another perspective. They could see it as a fabulous detour to a new place, a new adventure. And maybe this person ends up running into an old friend, someone with whom they’ve been wanting to reconnect. There are countless possibilities. In other words, you get to choose how you want to feel, based on how you interpret any given situation.’
‘So you’re saying I need to change my mind about how I see things?’
‘Yes. The difficulty for humans with this particular lesson is that most people are controlled
by their emotions. For example, you are happy when things go your way in competition; you are unhappy when they don’t. Unfortunately, this kind of mindset makes the experience of joy possible only within the framework of a seemingly positive experience. As a result, one goes through life feeling insecure, craving success yet averting failure all at the same time. It’s a fear-based way to live. But Zoe, viewing an experience as negative or positive is all in the eye of the beholder. It’s a choice you make, nothing more and nothing less.’
I was starting to understand what he was saying, albeit still a little fuzzy. That’s probably why he added:
‘Zoe, the easiest way to practice positive self-talk is to have faith and patience that everything is working out in your favour.’
‘Hmmm, the patience thing strikes again!’ I said sarcastically.
‘Think of it this way, when you feel anxious that something is not happening as quickly as you desire, you begin to think that nothing is happening at all, and so you become frustrated.’
‘And that’s when I lose faith?’ I said, starting to understand on a deeper level what he was getting at.
‘Yes. When you begin to lose faith, you have a tendency to become even more frustrated, doubtful, and hard on yourself. You might say something like, what’s wrong with me? Or, what did I do wrong?’
‘Let me get this straight. What you’re saying is impatience leads to negative self-talk and loss of faith?’
‘Yes. Ultimately, it means you’re turning your back on the Universe because you’re turning your back on your Self.’
‘So if I focused more on having patience and maintaining my faith no matter what’s going on around me, then it would be easier to practice positive self-talk?’
Phew, that was a lot to take in, but I think I got there.
‘Well done, Zoe, yes. Remember, faith is about maintaining a sense of peace regardless of your external experiences. It comes from trusting that there is a higher power working diligently on your behalf, to give you exactly what you need. We’ll get to more of that later, but for now, focus on saying nice things to yourself even when your first reaction is to do the opposite. Watch yourself closely, Zoe. Be diligent with your thoughts.’
CHAPTER
15
Mentally speaking, a lot had happened since returning home, and I was feeling overwhelmed by the gazillion thoughts cluttering up my mind.
Teo’s visits had helped me realize that I was being way too hard on myself. And because of it, I’d become a rather negative person. I don’t know if it was obvious to others, but I suspected it was, at least to those who were paying attention. Plus, my break-up was still an open wound. I missed Derek terribly, and being in this house kept reminding me of him, which made it hard to shake the gloom.
But now that I was taking to heart what Teo had said, I realized he was right. I was my own worst enemy. It was the wake-up call I needed to kick-start a shift in both my behaviour and my outlook on life. I didn’t want to be a drag; I wanted to be a positive influence in the industry. This new intention lifted my spirits, and there was no-one better to share it with than the ever-optimistic Sophie. So when I told her of it, she, of course, was all for joining in on the ride. Together, we decided that in order to get down to the business of positivity, it would require a full week of fun. And since she was the one who managed the lifeguard schedule, it was no problem for her to adjust her shifts accordingly.
During our dedicated fun week, S caught me up on her boyfriend/girlfriend escapades. She had no sexual preference, and her stories about guys and girls were super hilarious. Her happy outlook on life was inspiring. She was always stoked, and I swear this has been the case since the day we first met. We took lots of walks on the beach. Sometimes her bro joined us, sometimes her mum, sometimes her dad, and sometimes all of them together. We cruised the shops and cafes in Byron just up the road. I started to read An Autobiography Of A Yogi, handed to me by S’s mum after a sporadic heart-to-heart one morning. And I chatted with Dad on the phone, watched the Twilight Saga (which I secretly fell in love with), and ate more than my fair share of gelato. I ate more than my fair share of everything, in fact, including a memorable Christmas Day barbecue overlooking the beach on the back deck at the Smarts.
And of course, we surfed heaps, having a blast and goofing off just like we used to back in the day. No pressure, no drama, just plain ol’ fun. Okay, okay, I’ll admit I still had to continually re-remind myself to relax! The old me was annoyingly incessant in its attempt to creep in and stress me out. This, I learned, was the fast track to negativity.
Luckily, Teo’s encouragement to practice patience had helped me slow down and smell the flowers, so to speak. Which, for me, meant trying to relax without putting any pressure on myself. Besides, I’d been back in touch with Greg, my old coach, and I knew he was bound to kick my ass into high gear once we started working together again. Why rush it? I figured.
‘For now,’ I declared, ‘I give myself permission to fully enjoy the simple things in life.’
It gave me some relief. But to be completely transparent here, I still felt a shit ton of resentment when I thought about Derek. Meh. I was trying not to let it get to me, which had to count for something, right? I was doing my ‘Teo homework’ by focusing on positive self-talk, which I’ll have you know was a lot harder than it sounded. Especially since I came to realize my addiction to negativity. The difficulty I was experiencing in breaking this pattern had forced me to see, yet again, just how far into the darkness I had gone. I’m tellin’ ya, it took a lot of effort to be nice to myself.
But it was working. I think. I felt… lighter? Yeah, I think that was it. Lighter.
CHAPTER
16
This break had started out as a simple sabbatical – time away from life as ‘Zoe the professional surfer’ – but when I woke up on the day that marked two weeks after my arrival, I felt a sense of urgency that couldn’t be ignored. Just like that, I had the unstoppable drive to start pre-season training. My determination to kick ass was as fierce as ever, but so was the pressure to perform. And once again, I felt the weight of the world drop heavily onto my shoulders.
Dammit, I thought, annoyed as I walked up the beach with my backpack full of surf gear to meet up with Greg.
Greg lived in Lennox these days, his house half a mile south of where I was. Greg and Peter, S’s dad, were business partners and mates from way back when, so it was no coincidence that he’d moved from Sydney’s Northern Beaches around the same time as Sophie’s parents. We decided to meet at The Point.
Truth be told, I felt hesitant to hire Greg as my coach again, considering the fact he was now my ex-boyfriend’s uncle, but when I saw his smiling face from a few feet away, I was instantly reassured of his solid, non-judgmental character.
‘Hey hey, Zoe. Welcome home, love. How’s it feel to be back?’
‘Hey Greg, it’s good to see you!’ I said, gently putting my board down and giving him a hug.
I noticed that he was quite a bit bigger than the last time I’d seen him, and as we hugged, his newfound ‘softness’ was slightly disconcerting, as was the shallowness of his breath, which I could hear when I had my ear against his chest as he squeezed me. In all the years I’d known him, he’d been a fit man. Yes, he was a bigger, stockier guy – but always fit. I wondered if something was up, but really, how would I know? And what could I say?
I decided to avoid the possibility of an awkward conversation, and over-compensated with enthusiasm instead.
‘It’s so great to be back, Greg! I do miss Dad, but staying with Soph has been a lifesaver! God, I just love the Smarts! Such a great family.’
‘Good to hear, darl.’
He gave me one more big squeeze before letting me go, and I almost lost my balance as he did. He’s still strong, which is good, I thought to myself. But I couldn’t shake the funn
y feeling that all was not okay with him.
‘Shall we discuss our game plan?’ He got right down to business, as he usually did. Not much of a small talker, this guy, which as you may have realized by now was fine by me.
‘We’ve got just under three months until Snapper, so what do you reckon?’
Snapper Rocks was where the first competition of the season was held every year. It was just over 100km north of Lennox, in a popular surf region of the Gold Coast.
‘I reckon I want to win...’ And then paused ever so briefly before adding; ‘…everything.’
‘Of course you do, Zoe. And if you don’t mind me saying, from your final ranking and what I know about you and Derek, it looks like you had a tough season.’
I heard myself sigh as my head dropped and my shoulders slouched, indicating a most obvious sense of defeat. But he was spot on, and I had to give him an honest response.
‘Yeah, it’s been a tough year. I guess you know about Derek and I parting ways.’
I was staring at the ground for the most part, only lifting my head slightly to see if I could catch a glimpse of his reaction, in case there was one. He said nothing. Maybe he wanted more of an explanation? Probably. But that was as far as I got, and with each passing moment of quiet, I grew more and more uncomfortable. I had to break the silence.
‘What about you, Greg? What’s been going on with you lately?’
The focus was on him now and I was hoping he’d fill me in with the truth.
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