‘Oh, hey Greg,’ I said with slight hesitation, unable to spit anything else out. C’mon, I thought to myself, it’s safe to say how you feel, Zoe.
I glanced down at the pointers I’d written down just in case I blanked on the phone.
‘I’m fine, Greg, I’m fine, and I’m sorry to run off like that. I’m sorry if I scared you. I just, um, had to leave.’
‘Zoe, this isn’t like you. You know I’m here to help, right, mate?’
‘I know, I know, Greg, you’ve been amazing, but that’s sort of the problem. I need you to listen while I say what I need to say, okay?’
‘Go ahead, Zoe,’ he said in a deep, serious-sounding tone, ‘I’m listening.’
‘Okay, well, a lot has happened this last month, as you know, and I’ve finally figured out what I need to do.’
I took a breath and continued.
‘I need some time away from everything, including coaching. It’s not that I don’t think I need training, because I know I do. It’s just that I need to take control of my life again, and I don’t know how to do that when I put myself in a position of doing what other people are telling me to do. I guess you could say I’m a bit lost, and I need to find myself again. Does that make sense?’
‘Zoe, was it something that happened this morning that triggered this sudden change of heart? Was it because of your wipeout? I know it can be tough to get back into the rhythm, but it takes time. That’s part of the process.’
I felt like Greg was fishing for answers, trying to justify my decision in his mind that it was about the wipeout, when that was really just the tipping point. I needed to get this across to him. I felt stronger and more confident now that the conversation was rolling.
‘Today’s session taught me exactly that, except I’m completely out of rhythm with myself. It’s not about finding my flow again with you, or anyone else, it’s about finding my own flow. Today’s experience was just the tipping point really. I didn’t want to catch that wave but I felt like I had to, because that’s what you wanted. But it’s not what I wanted.’
‘But if you had been on point faster, Zoe, you would have made it through the close-out section and...’
‘Yeah, Greg.’ I raised my voice to cut him off. ‘Sure, if I’d made the wave I may feel differently right now, but I didn’t make the wave. And what’s more, I didn’t feel ready for that wave. Regardless of how it turned out, my point is that I didn’t want to go in the first place! And I just don’t want to keep training that way. I have to listen to me and only me from now on. Or at least for the next couple of months. I’m so sorry to do this to you and I feel terrible about it. I didn’t plan for this to happen, and I’m not trying to upset you. I know you care about me, and I know your intentions are good. But again, this has nothing to do with you. Can you understand?’
‘Well, I’d be lying if I said I thought it was a good decision. But ultimately, it’s up to you, Zoe, and I’ll support you either way. But are you sure you’re not just jumping to conclusions right now? Do you want to take some time to think things through a bit longer? Maybe check in with me tomorrow?’
He was making me own my decision, but part of me couldn’t help but wonder if his tight grasp had more to do with his needs. I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me, but I didn’t even want to go there at this point. All I wanted to do was be done with this conversation so that I could move on.
‘Thanks Greg, but no. I need to roll with it right now, and trust myself. I’m not saying it’s an easy call, but it feels right. And I need to start listening to my gut.’
Again, there was a pause, but I could hear Greg’s heavy, congested breathing on the other end until he finally spoke.
‘Well, okay then, Zoe. Best of luck to you. If you change your mind, or if you need anything, just let me know. I’m still here for you, Zoe, okay?’
‘Thanks so much Greg. And thanks for everything. I really appreciate it.’
‘Righto,’ and he hung up the phone.
I chucked my phone on the table, plopped down on the couch and stared at the wall in front of me again, feeling excited, giddy even… Until reality set in. It felt like that first moment when the drugs start to wear off.
Holy crap, what have I just done?
It was the tiniest lapse in confidence, but it was enough to feel the doubt trying desperately to work its way in.
Did I just make a rash decision without giving it proper thought?
Fear is such a creep.
What if I just made a huge mistake to think that I could compete well in the upcoming season without a proper coach?
I hate this doubt.
No! No! No! No, negative thoughts. Ego… I’m onto you.
I had to shake it off and find a way back to positive self-talk – and fast. I decided to get off my ass and go burn off the latte and muffin with some exercise. I jumped up, filled my water bottle, and grabbed S’s bike. Maybe some fresh air would reset my mind.
CHAPTER
19
I rode quickly, gaining as much momentum and speed as I could, using it to bust through my emotions. It felt like I’d entered a time warp as I cruised through the entrance of the park, because all these memories came flooding back to me, about when my dad used to take me to a similar one in Manly when we’d just moved here from Colorado.
We usually went on a Saturday because that’s when the local market took place, so we’d stock up on lots of fresh produce while also having a ride. I’d convince my dad to buy me some cookies, and inevitably beg him to let the crazy ‘magic’ lady give me a ‘reading’, but he’d never let me. She was always there, with her big frizzy grey hair and wrinkled skin, perched on her grass mat in the far corner of the market with what I later understood to be tarot cards. She sat tall, cross-legged, and always wore the most colourful knee high socks, watching the crowd and waiting patiently for someone brave enough to approach her. I loved to sneak over to the sidelines and eavesdrop when she was with someone, listening to her barely audible voice and hardly ever hearing what she was saying. From what I saw, every customer seemed to walk away smiling.
There was also a skate park at the back, where I loved to hang out, just as I had loved the one in Colorado, where my mom would take me.
I rode the path directly through the centre of the park until I arrived at the back corner, where it turned into native forest and the trails began. The trails were a no-go for bikes, because they were too narrow to safely accommodate both hikers and bikers, so when I got there I dismounted and locked my bike to the empty rack next to the main path. I’d never been on any of these trails before, so when I approached a fork in the road, I wasn’t sure which of the three paths to choose.
I pulled out my drink bottle and paused there for a minute, casually shaking a packet of flavoured electrolyte powder into my water. The sun was high and the sky was clear blue, completely devoid of clouds. My eyes stung as I watched a flock of birds glide overhead. Then I noticed a bright purple butterfly flutter past me. I watched it closely as it zigzagged towards the lefthand trail.
Ah, what the heck, I thought, giving myself permission to follow the direction of the butterfly.
I meandered along the trail for close to half an hour and had yet to see another human, which I found odd. The trees had become thick and had crowded out the sky from my view; my skin was thanking me for the relief from the hot sun. I stopped to hydrate again, and noticed ahead of me the most gorgeous ray of sunshine blasting through the trees. It was mesmerizing! I followed its ray of light downwards to see where it met the earth. There, I saw a massive Moreton Bay fig tree, its crazy metres-wide root system blocking my path, instructing me to go no further.
‘Wait a minute, I recognize this light!’ I exclaimed aloud as I bounded towards the tree and around to its other side. There, standing beneath the beautiful glimmering light, was
Teo.
‘Unbelievable!’ I yelled out gleefully. I felt a sudden surge of love flood my body, making me want to jump up and down in joy. (But I didn’t. Because that’s weird.)
‘Zoe,’ he said. ‘Look how far you’ve come! I’m so very, very proud of you!’
‘Teo!’ I ran towards him and threw my arms around him without hesitation. He wrapped his arms around me and I gladly allowed myself to be enveloped in his embrace. What followed was pretty much the most amazing feeling ever! I can’t do it justice with words, but imagine feeling every cell in your body tingle simultaneously. It was a sensation of love that made me feel complete, like nothing was missing from my life.
While nestled into his warm embrace, I felt a myriad of emotions bubbling to the surface; they tumbled out in the form of tears. I didn’t mean to cry, obviously, but I couldn’t help it. The kindness and care I felt in his presence and in his arms stripped me of my tough, protective shell. But it was okay. I was a willing participant by now when it came to anything ‘Teo’. And as long as he continued to hold me, I continued to sob away, melting into him.
After some time – whether it was a minute or an hour, I couldn’t tell – my sobs turned into a quiet whimper and Teo pulled away gently. Still holding my hands, his eyes dropped to meet mine. As he was so much taller than me, I had to look up to meet his gaze.
‘I… I’m so happy to see you, Teo! I’ve thought about you so much and now you’re here! And I can see you! And I can touch you!’
He smiled the most heart-warming smile I’d ever experienced. So heart-warming, I felt my heart was about to explode. His voice was soft and soothing, as he said, ‘I have been with you this whole time, Zoe; of that you can be sure.’
He released one of my hands, and guided me towards a wooden bench that I swear wasn’t there a minute ago.
‘Come, sit down, Zoe. Relax for a moment. You’ve just had a major emotional release and your body needs to rest.’
He was right. I was feeling a touch feeble. I sat by Teo in silence for a few minutes. It was pleasant. Peaceful. But it wasn’t long before my mind started chattering again.
‘So how come I couldn’t see you all this time that you’ve been with me, but I can see you now?’
‘Shhh, stay in the moment, sweet Zoe.’
I took a deep breath and let out a sigh, realizing how quickly I could let myself get distracted, and ruin the peace and quiet with my thoughts.
‘Of course I will answer your question, Zoe, but for now, let’s just be here and enjoy our surroundings, shall we?’
‘Oh, okay.’ I said compliantly.
I lifted my legs up and crossed them as I leaned back on the bench and settled into a comfortable position. Teo relaxed his posture too, leaning back on the bench with me. I wasn’t really sure what we were supposed to be doing; all I was able to do was fixate on his glorious face. His hair was dark as the night, a silky texture that shone as if his head had a galaxy of its own. I noticed his chiselled jawline had no hint of stubble. The pinkish tone of his skin was perfectly smooth, porcelain-like, except for the two little dimples that became more prominent when he spoke. And his...
‘Do you see that butterfly?’ he asked sweetly, diverting my attention elsewhere. I took his cue and followed his gaze over my right shoulder. I searched around with my eyes for this supposed butterfly, but all I noticed was a mossy tree stump.
‘Ummm, no?’
And then, all of a sudden, that same bright purple butterfly fluttered off the corner of the stump and flew towards us. Teo held out his hand and it gently landed in his palm.
‘Wow!’ I gasped. Its heart-shaped wings flapped gracefully, almost seductively, drawing me in with the shimmer of silver that seemed to throw sparks into the sky like a firefly. It had my utmost attention.
‘OMG, I saw this butterfly earlier, before I took this particular trail! It’s why I chose this trail! It’s so beautiful! But this can’t be the same one?’
‘Hold out your hand, Zoe.’
I held out my left hand. With a few flaps of its wings, the butterfly made its way out of Teo’s hand and into mine. I felt like it was looking straight at me, communicating something to me, though I didn’t know what.
‘What is it saying, Zoe?’
‘I, I’m not sure.’ To be honest, I hadn’t really tried to listen. I think I was too scared to put in the effort. I mean, it was pretty hard to imagine that one might actually be able to hear the voice of a butterfly.
‘Shhh, Zoe. Listen with your heart, not with your head. Feel what it is saying without thinking about it. You’ve made a big shift today, which means your heart is extremely tender and completely open right now. Please, relax and let it lead the way.’
His words were compelling, yet I still found it difficult to grasp what he meant.
‘Feel what it’s saying? Um, okay. Feel what it’s saying...’
I sat in silence, looking at the purple and blue hues of the butterfly, and noticed a beautiful silver lining that traced along the edges of its wings with perfect continuity.
‘Oh!’ I gasped enthusiastically. ‘There’s a silver lining to what I’m going through?’
‘Very good. What else?’
‘Hmm...’ I observed the slow, graceful pulses of its wings, and watched how its antennas tapped my hand ever so lightly, seeking… searching… but for what? I had no idea, but it sure seemed like each movement came full of purpose.
‘That it’s okay for me to slow down and feel things out?’
‘Wonderful, Zoe.’
And just like that, the butterfly flew out of my hand. It hovered at my face and I felt the light breeze from its delicate wings as it stared at me for just a moment before flitting away.
I tried to follow it with my eyes but it was already gone.
CHAPTER
20
‘Where’d it go?’
‘It fulfilled its purpose in that moment, and so it moved on.’
‘What was its purpose?’
‘To bring you a message.’
‘What was the message?’ I was puzzled.
‘To listen to your heart for the answers you seek,’ Teo’s voice reassured me.
‘Mmm…’ I said, nodding in agreement. ‘Okay, I think I understand now.’
But Teo must’ve gotten the impression that I was still confused, because he questioned me not two seconds later.
‘Are you sure about that, Zoe?’ he asked quietly, looking me straight in the eye.
‘No. I mean, sort of. Well, I get the part about listening to my heart, but I don’t get how the butterfly knew what to do.’
‘I asked the butterfly for you, Zoe, because I knew you would have a difficult time sitting still enough in your surroundings without getting distracted by your concerns about the future.’
‘Oh, sorry,’ I felt slightly deflated by his comment, but I couldn’t argue with it.
‘Remember when you asked me earlier why you couldn’t hear or see me?’
‘Yes!’ I said, perking up immediately, really wanting to know.
‘The butterfly was your answer to that question.’
‘Huh?’ I was quick to respond. ‘I don’t get it.’
‘What did you learn from that experience?’
‘To slow down, to listen, to feel.’
‘Yes, very good, Zoe. In order to see, or hear, or feel me, you must first call upon me, as you did, with your heart. This is the first step. But there is also a second step.’
‘Seriously? I didn’t know there were any steps!’
‘Yes, Zoe, asking for help is only the first step.’
I felt a tinge of concern in what that meant, but Teo continued to clarify without a pause.
‘Don’t worry, Zoe. There is no special way of asking. You can say something out loud, you can s
ay something in your mind, you can visualize God or an angel... anything that elevates your spirit.’
‘Like the purple butterfly?’ I interrupted.
‘Yes, of course. Anything that will help you to get out of your head and into your heart will work. Even just thinking of me, you will know I’m there. There is no wrong way to ask for help, Zoe. Words are not necessary for us to hear your call, though humans do find it helpful to use words or say a prayer. Either way, whether it’s a thought, a prayer, or a symbol… whatever feels good to you is the way to go. Simply invite me in with the simplicity of your pure intention. There is no need to complicate the matter with any kind of specific structure or form.’
‘Simplicity of pure intention…
…simplicity of pure intention…
…simplicity of pure intention...’
It was a mouthful and I was having a hard time engraving it into my mind, so I thought of a phrase that would be easy for me to remember.
‘Oh I know! Keep it simple to keep it real!’ I blurted out with an air of triumph. I was pleased to get this one, for sure.
‘Yes, perfect, Zoe. The first step is to make the call, yes?’
I nodded in agreement.
‘And after you make the call, you must listen for that call to be answered. This is the second step. Yes?’
Again, he was looking at me, making sure that I was on the same page. I nodded my head, indicating yes. So far so good, I figured, wondering how long until the next round of confusion set in. Teo continued.
‘Unfortunately, this second step is quite a challenge for most. This is often the time when people begin to lose faith. Instead, they could be strengthening their faith so as to receive miracle after miracle.’
Aaaaand the confusion was back.
‘What do you mean?’
I was scrunching my nose slightly out of frustration. It was a lot to take in, as usual. Talk about mind…blown.
‘Here’s what happened, Zoe. You took the first step and called upon me. Well done. Absolutely well done. Many do not even make this first step. And in response to your call, I was immediately by your side, extending answers to you. However, you were unable to hear, or see, or feel those answers because your thoughts distracted you from receiving them.
Surfer Girls Kick Ass Page 9
