I paddled for a wave that wasn’t awesome-looking, but if you waited around for the perfect wave in this slop, you’d be waiting all day. Needless to say, that would get boring and frustrating, or I’d wind up cold and pissed off. Instead, I would have to take what waves came and do what I could with them. It was a smart approach, and I knew for sure that I’d won a few comps because I was able to dominate in less-than-ideal conditions. Not all of the venues had the best breaking waves. Huntington Beach, for example, could be really meh, but it was a great spot to attract a huge crowd. And that was good for the progression of the sport on a marketing level.
Luckily, I enjoyed surfing on days like this. It was a different experience, with a real sense of solitude that came with it – like jogging in the rain.
Speaking of rain, about 10 minutes and two mediocre waves later, it started to pour. And I mean raining buckets! It was pelting so hard I could barely see what was going on around me! Everything went grey and dark, and it was loud, with fat rain droplets plummeting into the water. I sat on my board waiting for the thick of the rain to pass and zoned out. I was busy entertaining myself with an existential conversation around the infinite possibilities of the Universe, when I saw a peculiar movement out of the corner of my eye. My initial reaction was ‘shark’, so I lifted my legs out of the water quickly and laid down on my board. Was this the right thing to do? I dunno. What I did know was that I wasn’t going to let my limbs become shark bait. If it was coming at me, it was gonna have to work for it.
But as the movement got nearer, I saw it was a person. The rain was too thick to decipher anything until it was right in front of me. I sat back up with a sense of relief. I mean, this was the ocean and you had to respect that anything could happen at any time. Just because I was a surfer didn’t mean I wasn’t scared of sharks. At the same time, I’d learned that there was nothing helpful in worrying about potential dangers out of my control. I could take whatever necessary precautions were available to me, but in the end, nature was nature.
The other surfer paddled towards me.
‘Hey!’ I yelled out. ‘It’s crazy out here!’ I was feeling slightly alone and isolated, so it was nice to have someone close by.
‘OMG, Zoe? Hi!’ she yelled back. But the wind was too loud to decipher the girl’s voice.
‘Huh? Who is it?’ I asked, but as she got within three feet of me, I could finally see it was Bailey. And even though I should’ve been thrilled to see a familiar face, I felt was a strong surge of rage towards the rookie who’d kicked my ass. I put it down to jealousy. I couldn’t let that show now though, could I?
‘Bailey! Holy crap! Hi!’ I said with a smile, masking my irritation. Why was I so damn irritated? She paddled up to me and we hugged.
‘It’s good to see ya, mate. Have you been out here long?’
‘Eh, probably about an hour,’ I estimated.
‘I was paddling out when it started dumping buckets, but I didn’t feel like going in.’
‘Yeah, I decided to wait it out and see what happens, but this is pretty intense,’ I replied.
We paddled around looking for something to catch, but it was just so sloppy out there. I paddled for waves that looked like they had potential but then closed-out on me way sooner than I had expected, so I kept getting caught up in the whitewater. And then I’d have to work my ass off, exhaustingly duck-diving wave after wave until I made it back out again. I did manage to carve out a few nice turns on a couple of okay waves, and even though the waves were patchy, I did what I could nonetheless.
After a while, I started to shiver and noticed that my arms were covered in goosebumps. I was getting cold and had thoughts about going in. I hated feeling cold.
‘Look!’ Bailey said as she pointed towards the horizon. I turned to look behind me, and there, not too far in the distance, was a break in the clouds.
‘Sweet!’ I said optimistically. ‘I was just about to succumb to the weather and head in, but it looks like it’s clearing up!’
The weather improved quickly, and after about five minutes, the visibility became clear again. The current was strong, and we hadn’t noticed it had pulled us about 10 or 15 feet out to sea. We paddled back to the line-up, which warmed me up slightly, though my muscles felt tired and crampy.
Back in position, we zoned back into surfing. It was still raining, but it was more like a light shower, and the sky had turned from a dark charcoal to a light grey. The sun was working hard to come out to play, and I had the feeling that the waves were about to clean up as well. And they did. Bailey and I started scrambling to catch as many waves as we could because we knew it wouldn’t be long before it became ridiculously crowded as usual. I tried to stay in the moment and not think about others showing up. Right now, with us two and just a few others in the water, there were plenty of waves for everyone. It was a like a dream. We were all just cycling through the waves, one after another. And with Bailey in the water, I couldn’t help but tap into my competitive mindset. It was good. I felt strong.
Bailey was surfing with confidence, too. She was fantastic at using as much of the wave as possible – always moving, always working, and always on point. I wanted to be happy for her, but… I still felt jealous.
The crowd moved in pretty quickly once the conditions improved. In about 45 minutes, there were 20 or so people in the line-up. I was ready to go in, and so was my shrivelled skin. Bailey seemed keen to call it a day too, so we both caught a wave together and rode it into shore. The sun was now beaming, and it would’ve been hard to believe that it was stormy chaos less than an hour earlier.
‘Nice, Zoe!’ Bailey said with a big smile as we walked up the beach and stopped where she’d dumped her bag.
‘Yeah, Bailey, that was fantastic!’ I answered, adding, ‘Hey, where do you live?’ I was working hard to be friendly. But why did it feel like work? What was bothering me?
‘Oh, I’m just over in Ballina. What about you?’
‘I’m staying just over there,’ I said, pointing towards the house.
‘No way! That’s prime, hey! How’d you score that?’
‘Oh, it’s my best friend’s place. She and her family have kinda taken me in. It’s pretty sweet, for sure. Do you want to come over?’
It came out of nowhere, I swear to God. I had zero intention of spending more time with her, let alone inviting her in. I honestly had no idea what the heck had just happened.
‘Um…’ she paused, looking at her watch. ‘Yeah sure, I’ve got about an hour, then I’ve got to pick up my lil’ sis.’ She picked up her bag and we headed towards the house, with me still wondering what on earth I was thinking.
CHAPTER
34
‘Wow Zoe, this is amazing. I can’t believe your house is right on the ocean!’
‘Yeah, it’s epic. I’m so lucky. You can hang your towel and bikini up here after you change, if you like,’ I said, pointing to the outdoor clothesline.
‘Right, thanks.’ We went inside and I ran to my room to change, scrambling around to find a clean shirt and pair of shorts in what had become a typically messy space.
When did I become so messy? I wondered as I threw on a singlet and made a mental note to clean my room before I went to bed.
‘Make yourself comfortable, Bailey,’ I said, as I came back into the kitchen. ‘Mi casa su casa.’
‘Hey cool, and you can call me Bails,’ she said, sitting down at the counter.
‘I met your sister in the water the other day, actually. Bridget, right?’ I asked.
‘Oh yeah, she mentioned. She’s a good lil’ sis. Good surfer too!’
‘She said you were in Indo for one of your sponsors?’ I quizzed Bailey, as I opened the fridge, looking for something to offer her.
‘Right on, yeah, I was filming an ad for Foxy.’
‘Wow, you’re so lucky!’ I said as I
pulled out the container with the leftover smoothie from this morning. I poured what was left into two glasses, each glass filling about halfway. As I had my back turned, I hadn’t noticed Bailey was peering down at my list that I’d left open on the kitchen bench.
‘Hey Zoe, what are you working on?’ she asked, pointing to my notebook as I handed her one of the glasses.
‘Oh crap! Um, yeah, forgot that was there.’ I grabbed the book, closing it and putting it aside, feeling a little like my privacy had been invaded.
‘Sorry, Zoe, I should have minded my own business.’ She took a sip of smoothie and seemed to like it. ‘Oh man, delish! Did you make it?’
‘Yeah, it’s got lots of yummy goodness in it.’
A couple of awkward moments went by as we drank our smoothies in silence.
‘Um, I hope I’m not being too nosy by asking again, but I’m really curious to know what you’re working on.’
I took another sip and thought quickly about what I wanted to say. I didn’t know her very well, and I’d learned to be cautious with sharing personal info with fellow competitors, because it could end up being used against you. Mental scare tactics and all that.
‘Um, well, I guess you could say I’m re-evaluating some things.’
Could she tell that I was purposefully not offering much information? I don’t know, but after another few moments more of awkward silence, she made another attempt to get the conversation ball rolling:
‘I’m just asking because I made some big changes last year, and I believe it’s totally what helped me to place so high in the rankings and re-qualify for this season, which, as a rookie, was quite a relief. So anyway, I noticed that maybe you’re doing something similar?’
‘Um, well yeah, actually...’
I paused again. How do I know I can trust her? I wanted to talk openly with someone who might actually understand what I’m going through but...
‘So, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus since the end of last season. Derek and I broke up. Wait, do you really want to hear this stuff?’
‘Yes, I really do...’
‘Okay, well…’ and unexpectedly, I let loose, ‘it’s just been strange the last couple of seasons. I haven’t felt like myself. I realized recently that I’ve lost control of how I’m living my life. I haven’t been happy and I haven’t been competing well. So one of the things I want to do is re-evaluate my sponsors. I feel like I need to figure out who I want to work with and why. And even who I don’t want to work with anymore and why not. Anyway, that’s what I was planning to do today.’
‘Oh mate, yeah, I totally get that.’
‘Really? So what did you do?’
‘Well, joining the Foxy team was what really changed the game for me, not just because they are awesome, but because I had to drop a couple of other sponsors in order to work with them in the capacity they were asking of me. So I had to thin the crowd, if you know what I mean?’
‘Yeah, actually, I was a bit jealous when your sis told me you were in Indo on a film trip. I want to do more of that kind of stuff. So you like working with them?’
‘I love working with them.’
‘What do you mean?’ I needed more info.
‘Well, prior to joining the Foxy team, I had a couple of sponsors who put a lot of demands on me, which would’ve been fine if I’d liked what they wanted me to do, but I didn’t! I realized that they were both trying to mould me into a certain image for their brand, but that image wasn’t me at all. So in the end, I felt like I had become stuck in a job that was making me miserable. It just wasn’t working for me – so I broke those contracts.’
‘What about what you were getting from them? How did you manage to move forward?’
‘Well, leaving was scary for sure, I’m not gonna deny that. I didn’t know if what I was doing was a smart decision, but my coach backed me on it, so I just went ahead and did what I needed to do for me. It felt like a big leap of faith, but I was lucky and it all worked out. Better than I could have imagined, actually.’
‘So how did you end up with Foxy?’
‘Yeah, so after I left the other sponsors, I felt free again. I was elated, at least at first. Then I went through a phase of being scared shitless that I had made a bit mistake. But I won the next competition, the Cascais Pro, and that’s when their team manager approached me and I ended up working out a contract with them.’
‘How is it different to your other sponsors?’
Bailey nodded her head as she put down her empty smoothie glass.
‘Yeah, mate, total game changer. The Foxy team feels more like family. Plus...’
She was interrupted when Sophie and Kiko walked in the door, carrying a few big bags of groceries.
‘Hey gorgeous ones!’ Sophie shouted through to us, as she chucked the bags on the hallway floor. She smiled at Bailey and I introduced them without a pause.
‘Bailey, this is Sophie and Kiko.’
‘Hey, nice to meet you both,’ she smiled at them before looking down at her watch and realizing what time it was.
‘Crap, I gotta go get my sis. Thanks for the smoothie and the chat, Zoe. Let’s do this again?’
‘Yeah, for sure.’
‘Later, B!’ S was already over-familiar with our visitor. And Bailey grabbed her stuff on her way back to the beach.
I took my book and headed to my room, eager to straighten out everything going round in my head. For one, people imagine that the career of a professional surfer is a dream life. We make money doing what we love, get free stuff, travel the world, hang out with cool people, become famous, etc. And while all of that’s true to an extent, life isn’t always rainbows and coconuts. It’s full of obligations and itineraries, jetlag, time away from friends and family, dealing with injury. And let’s not forget the pressure. An athlete is a product, an image used to generate sales for a company (or three), and that means additional expectation to perform. To win…
We all start young in this industry – and it’s a lot for a young person to handle. What separates the top-seeded athletes from everyone else has a lot to do with their ability to manage themselves through the ups and downs of it all. It takes time and experience to practice this level of awareness. Without it, it’s too easy to get lost in the chaos. I’ve seen it happen and it’s not a pretty sight.
During my time on tour, I’d witnessed a handful of both men and women practically drowning in their desperation for self-validation via external gratification. Their self-worth became dependent upon winning competitions, making money, maintaining the big sponsorships, getting recognized, relishing the fame. Everything became personal to them. When all was going well, they were on top of the world. But it got ugly when things weren’t going so well, and they’d be a complete wreck, at which point the industry chewed them up and spat them out before they had a chance to turn it around and prove otherwise.
Even though I could see it clearly in others, I realized I hadn’t seen it coming for myself, but I had to admit this had happened with me too! I’d fallen into the trap of despair and it was time to reverse the process – and fast – before I got spat out unwillingly and lost everything in the process.
This was my life, for God’s sake, and I needed to decide which of my sponsors were able to support me in a way that would strengthen my sense of Self, not weaken it.
I listed them off on a piece of paper and acknowledged how I felt as I wrote down each name. It was crazy cool! And the funny thing is I wasn’t at all surprised by which ones did and didn’t feel aligned. I speculated that some people would think that I’d lost the plot to leave good sponsorship deals, but I didn’t care, and I didn’t have room to second-guess myself based on other peoples’ supposed opinion. I mean geez, Teo had been teaching me to go with my gut instincts; if I was going to listen to anyone at this point, it was going to be my guardian angel, right?
<
br /> So here we go again, I thought to myself. First Derek, then Greg, now my sponsors. It dawned on me that our lives were filled with different kinds of relationships. Some romantic, some business, some friendship, but they all need the same thing in order to survive. A connection. And not just any connection. It had to be the kind of connection that inspired and motivated us to work together in harmony. A mutual connection.
This realization helped me understand my jealousy towards Bails as well. I was approaching the situation as if she’d taken away something from me when she beat me at Honolua. If I wanted to create a more positive connection with her, though, I had to come from a different perspective. I remembered back to the page I’d read of Thinking Body Dancing Mind. Something on that list was crossing my mind now as I thought about seeing relationships in a new light.
see competitors as partners who facilitate movement
Hmmm. It was a simple shift in my mindset, yet it gave me so much clarity and confidence.
I won’t bore you with the details of ‘breaking up’ with my sponsors. Long story short, I spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone taking care of business. There was a bit of back and forth, as I tried to explain ‘why’, and in the end it worked out. I’m not going to say it was easy, because it was frankly nerve-wracking, but I did it and I was proud of myself. I let go of two out of my four sponsors, keeping my main source of income, which was my wetsuit/clothing sponsor, and my board shaper sponsor. This left space for a couple of new ones, just in case something appealing came my way.
I was relieved. So relieved. I’d made some major decisions in the last couple of months, and somehow, after I got off the phone, I felt almost whole again. Is that strange?
‘Ladies, how about a road trip?’ S announced the moment I opened my bedroom door. She made her way to the kitchen and sliced up some lime wedges. She pulled three shot glasses from the cupboard and slammed them on the counter. Did I mention she wasn’t the type to be discreet? S wasn’t going to let anyone ignore her.
‘Well, you sure got my attention!’ I made my way to one of the bar stools and turned to see if Kiko had a spark of interest in her eyes. Kiko was lounging on the couch, and looked up from the magazine she was reading.
Surfer Girls Kick Ass Page 16
