Before I Break

by Alec John Belle

  Can someone hate themselves without really knowing why?

  DECEMBER 15TH

  I really feel like I came up with the best idea for the play ever. Of course, it’s only in its rough stage, but I really feel like this will work.

  It’s a story about a young boy, who has a dark and dangerous path, and he comes to a new school, only to fall deeper into depression. It’s dark, unique, and I think it’ll have the audience in tears. I am so ready for this.

  DECEMBER 17TH

  “No.” That was the response I got when I proposed the idea to Mrs. Burley.

  “Why not?” I asked. “It’s dark, mysterious, and will have an emotional impact on the crowd. If you just give me the opportunity to develop it a little more—”

  “I’m sorry, we just can’t do a play that promotes depression and self-harm,” she replied. “If you want to write something else, that would be great.”

  My jaw nearly hit the floor, and I said, “You know what? Fuck it.” I stormed out of her office as she called after me.

  “Avery, wait!”

  “No,” I replied and slammed the door behind me. She really has lost her mind. I finally come up with a good idea and she wants to deny me the right to make it a play? Well, I was done with theatre now. Who needs a class full of fake people anyway?

  As I stormed down the hall, the assistant principle found me and said, “Avery, please come with me.”

  So much anger was building inside of me. “Why? So I can be yelled at some more? Told my ideas suck? No thanks.”

  She looked pretty pissed. “You don’t need to talk like that to me.”

  And that was when I broke. “Yeah, well, everyone at this school doesn’t need to be an asshole, but for some reason that’s all everyone tries to do.” I didn’t know where the anger was coming from—it was like it was coming deep within me and I couldn’t even control myself anymore.

  She then suspended me for three days, so here I am writing in this journal. I am so literally disgusted with everyone and everything right now that I don’t even want to go back to that school.

  And Devon just messaged me.

  “Avery,” it says, “I am sorry that we can’t be friends anymore, but I know that you like me and it’s just too uncomfortable on my part. Just forget that we ever started talking. I wish you well.”

  He wishes me well?! Ha, that only thing he seems to be doing is completely cutting me off. I am so angry right now and I’m craving a cut, even if it’s just a little one. Maybe I just need to do some and then go to sleep. This has been a really sucky day.

  DECEMBER 21ST

  Well, here’s some interesting news. Because my suspension runs through Christmas Break, I’ll actually not be going back to school until January. It wasn’t like a really wanted to, because there wasn’t really anything for me there.

  I should be excited for Christmas, but the sad thing is, I’m not. I just want to feel normal, to be normal, but that didn’t seem like it was ever going to happen. Maybe when Christmas comes I’ll finally be able to be happy.

  Maybe…just maybe.

  DECEMBER 24TH

  No. That is all I have to say right now, because you know what, I don’t really think I’ll be writing in this journal ever again. I don’t know how much time I have left, so I need to write as quickly as possible.

  This morning, which is Christmas Eve, I woke up to find that Arianna had messaged me again. I am going to write the message out for you to read.

  “Hey Avery,” she said, “I thought I told you to BACK OFF. I guess you just don’t get the hint but Devon doesn’t like you. Actually, NO ONE likes you or wants to see your face ever again. You’re pathetic. I hate you and everyone else hates you too, so do us all a favor for Christmas and kill yourself.”

  I told Devon about the message she sent me and even took a screenshot of it and sent it to him and do you want to know what he said?

  “It’s not my problem anymore. Maybe she’s right.”

  MAYBE SHE’S RIGHT? That’s what he’s going to say after she told me to kill myself? I can’t help but feel like they’re right, so I went and took a whole bottle of Tylenol. It’s not doing anything right now but I’m waiting. At least I can be out of this life for good where I can’t bother anyone.

  But why am I so sad? I wish I knew. Every day of my life I seem to be falling into a darker pit than I can get myself out of. Nothing can save me now because, hell, I don’t want to be saved. Screw Christmas. Screw everyone and everything. In a little while I’ll be gone and no one will have to deal with my drama anymore. If I don’t want to deal with it, I’m sure no one else wants to either.

  My stomach is beginning to hurt. I think it might be from the Tylenol but I’m not sure because I’ve never felt pain like this before.

  Wait. I’m throwing up, damn it.

  Why do I feel so cold? And so hot? Is it possible to feel both at the same time? Apparently it is.

  Ugh…this pain…I really can’t even keep writing, but I have to. I need the world to know why…but why am I doing it? Why am I killing myself? I’m crying and I can’t stop.

  Now I’m screaming for help. My mom’s in here trying to get me to stop writing.

  I can’t.

  They need to know what’s happened to me.

  Mom’s calling 911, but I don’t have much time. Do I really want to die? I’m not really sure anymore because it’s not as easy as I thought it would be? It hurts. I’m in so much pain. I’m dying but maybe I don’t want to anymore.

  I don’t want to die.

  I just need more—

  DECEMBER 27TH

  Well…I don’t really know what to say right now. Just a few days ago I wrote in this journal and I didn’t even get to finish my entry…maybe it was best I couldn’t write during that time because I was dying.

  And just FYI, dying is not fun.

  So where am I now? I’m in the hospital, and mom just brought me this journal today. The hospital isn’t as fun as you’d expect, but I’ve made a few friends. The people here understand me. They understand how I feel and my illness.

  Today they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. They said that my depression is chronic, which means there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me sad all the time. It’s not a really good feeling, but at least I now know what the problem is.

  My mom has also taken away all of my technology because she believes communication with the outside world won’t do me any good. We’ve also discussed homeschooling because there is nothing good coming from me going to public school.

  So what does that mean now? Well, I don’t really think I need this anymore. Yes, writing was a good way to express my emotions, but I have family who will support me—I even have Hannah and Klara—and together we’ll get through this. This journal was good comfort but I need people to talk to.

  Hopefully things will get better for me. This is goodbye.

  MAY 21ST

  As we pack for the move, I found this hiding in my drawer, and I can’t help but wonder why I quit writing in it. I know I wanted people to talk to and not just a piece of paper, but this book has helped me release all of my feelings before and I think I can do it again.

  Why are we moving? I told mom that I wanted to give public school another chance, but we agreed that my old school was just going to lead to my demise.

  I began writing poetry more, in a different journal, to help myself through some of the difficulties of depression and it really seemed to help. Now that I’m better, I think I can actually go back to school and be a normal person.

  It’s been a rough couple of months, but you know what? I’ve found the light and while I may struggle with depression for the rest of my life, I will survive. I am strong and I know I’m a great person and that one day, someone amazing will meet me and they’ll know just how wonderful I am. If someone doesn’t see that, who cares? I’ve learned that that’s their probl
em, not mine.

  So where does that leave me?

  It leaves me happy. For the first time in my life, I feel genuinely happy, and while I may have some ups and down, I know I have a future. I have a life and it’s a pretty damn good one if you asked me. And also, I’ve been working on my first novel which I want to get published eventually! Those are the types of things I have to look forward to.

  I have a future.

  I have a life.

  And whatever comes my way, I feel like I can take on the world.

  1. How did you come up with the concept for Before I Break?

  I came up with the idea one day when I was sitting in class and there was a straight guy that I kind of had a crush on. Then randomly I thought, “What would happen if he and I became friends?” Then next thing I knew, this whole idea for a book just came flooding into my mind and then Before I Break was born.

  2. Why did you choose a hate crime as Avery's fate?

  As soon as I started writing the book, I knew I had a message to tell. One of the things I wanted to do was make sure the book could be directed toward gay and straight people, because I wanted to show that gay guys and straight guys can be friends if they get over their differences. My best friend and I have been friends since second grade and it has never been weird for either of us. We kind of both just knew that we were friends and that was it. I feel like Cyril is your typical gay-hater, without having any real foundation and then when he began the journey to uncover whether being gay is okay, something tragic needed to happen to change his mind and make him realize gay people are human to. It allows two topics to be talked about in one: Accepting people for who they are and hate crimes.

  3. You wrote Avery's short story after you wrote the book. Do you ever plan on writing anymore short stories, for example, like how Melissa and Eve got together, or Jake's backstory, or about Austin and Cyril's friend outside of the hospital?

  Until you mentioned it, the only short story I had planned was “The Winter of Harms,” but I think it’s always a possibility. The book was originally supposed to be this one book with no short stories, but I love these characters so much that I wouldn’t mind diving into their heads for a little while.

  4. Are any of the events in this book based on actual events in your life?

  Avery is a lot like me in some ways, and a lot unlike me in others. Unfortunately, I’ve never met a guy like Cyril after he changes his opinion on gay people, but I know they’re out there.

  5. What actors and actresses would you like to see play the characters if it were ever a movie?

  Personally, I would love to see Luke Bilyk play Jake, because for some reason that’s almost exactly how I pictured him. For Cyril, I would probably say Brant Daughtery from Pretty Little Liars (despite him being somewhere near his 30s) mostly because of the way he looks. And for Melissa, someone like Paula Brancati (again with a Degrassi character) because I think she would be great at playing the role, based on looks and personality. I don’t know, that’s just what I think. I don’t really know who I would like to have play Avery.

  6. What was the hardest part of writing this book? What was the most enjoyable?

  The hardest part for me was trying to write a book from a straight guy’s perspective. I had to constantly tell myself, “What would someone like him do?” I really had to think about what a religious guy would probably think of homosexuality.

  The most enjoyable part was being able to see the change in my characters. Watching them all grow, especially Cyril, was my favorite part. By the end I think almost every character had changed in some way and saw life in a different perspective, whether good or bad.

  7. In his eulogy, Cyril said he loved Avery, but he really didn't. Why wouldn't you have him say, "I loved him like a brother," or something along those lines?

  That was to do with the change in Cyril. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him by the end because his friend had died—he just didn’t feel the need to explain himself to people because he knew how he felt and it’s no one else’s job to understand.

  8. What is your favorite TV show?

  Pretty Little Liars without a doubt. And anything else on ABC Family. It’s a really good channel.

  9. What is your favorite book?

  Is that a trick question?

  10. Do you ever plan on writing a sequel?

  It's always a possibility.

  11. What is up next on your writing list?

  It’s a paranormal series titled The Forbidden Darkness Chronicles. It’ll feature Monster Hunters, Nephilim, and all sorts of dark creatures. It will also blend in teenage issues just like with this book. It will have 8 books.

  This book is extremely important to me. I believe that the things discussed in this book play a huge role and impact in our society today. Every day, people are bullied and hurt because of their sexuality, and often time straight men women are questioning their own sexuality, but are too afraid to say anything because of fear of rejection.

  It’s time that we step out of the darkness and discuss what the real issues are. Homophobia is not a fear of gay people, it is a fear from within and it’s time that we approach this topic. What happened to Cyril and Avery should not be allowed to happen in our society anymore, and instead of teaching “Adam and Eve,” it’s time that we teach what love is really about. I am gay and a supporter of marriage equality.

  Will you take the stand against homophobia today?

  Alec Belle is an online high school student that resides in the state of Massachusetts. His hobbies include reading, writing, and trying to find out who “A” is on Pretty Little Liars. He writes about tough topics that many are too afraid to talk about like suicide, homosexuality, self harm, and other teenage issues, and he often blends these ideas with the paranormal. BEFORE I BREAK is his first novel.

  You can find him on all social media including Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and Blogger.