Partridge in the P.E.A.R.

by Skye MacKinnon

  Partridge in the P.E.A.R.

  By Arizona Tape and Skye MacKinnon

  Copyright © 2017 Arizona Tape and Skye MacKinnon

  Cover by Arizona Tape

  All Rights Reserved.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  First published in the 12 Days of Christmas anthology, compiled by Laura Greenwood.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Partridge in the P.E.A.R.

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Epilogue

  Arizona’s Note

  Skye’s Note

  Lucy Partridge is going to show the universe that she can be the commander of a spaceship. If only her crew on the P.E.A.R. weren't so sexy and distracting...

  A Sci-Fi reverse harem set in a rather pear-shaped spaceship.

  To anybody who hates Christmas

  Prologue

  "Merry Christmas! You are all going to die."

  The cackling laughter of the ship computer was barely audible with all the other beeping around us. Every single thing on the P.E.A.R. was malfunctioning. Explosions were shaking the ship and sparks flying from the ceiling were showering us.

  “You are all going to die.”

  “Could someone fucking switch off CC?” Hain roared, his hands stuck in a mess of cables under the main console. “And where the hell is Commander L?”

  “Still in bed,” Birch shouted from the other side of the control room. “The Doc isn’t sure if she’ll make it.”

  “Damn that woman, why did she have to get that STD? We need a captain!” Hain shouted back, his face a mixture of exhaustion and anger.

  We’d been fighting against the electronics in the cockpit for over an hour now. While hurtling into the Kelstock Nebula, I might add. Who had the idea to give our board computer the personality profile of a psychopath? This was the third time this month she tried to kill us. According to Birch, it was a computer virus, but in my opinion, her AI was warped. It had happened somewhere in between the last two wormhole jumps. Before she’d been helpful and amenable like a board computer should be. But now... well, she was doing her very best to try and kill us.

  “You are all going to die.”

  With a roar of frustration, I released my safety belt and jumped out of my chair, running towards the captain’s seat.

  “I’m taking control,” I announced to my fellow three crewmates, quickly typing the passcode into the panel on my right. They were still thinking I only got this job because of my father. Now was my chance to show them I was not only General Partridge's daughter, but also a capable pilot in my own right. After all, none of them had grown up on a spaceship. I’d never lived on Earth, nor on any other planet. Space was my home, and I was not going to die here because of a psychotic machine.

  No. Way.

  “Hain, cut the power to the main computer. Smash it, if you need to. Birch, open the sun shields, we won’t be able to rely on the screens once the power goes. Rowan, page Ced, we need him now. We’re all going to die if we don’t get this thing under control, not just Captain L. We need every hand on deck. I’m going to switch to manual.”

  They stared at me, wide-eyed.

  “Now!” I shouted, and they sprang into action.

  “You are all going to die. Slowly.”

  “We’re not going to die!” I yelled, kicking the console in front of me in the hope that CC was going to feel it somehow. That computer deserved pain, so much pain.

  “Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus five minutes. You are all going to die.”

  Stupid AI, whoever programmed this computer had a twisted sense of humour. And whoever installed it did a lousy job. As I danced my fingers over the control panel, I kept bumping into security walls that CC put up.

  “Access denied. You are all going to die.”

  I screamed in frustration, banging my fists against the machine. It was not supposed to deny me access, this code should overrule any ridiculous orders CC implanted.

  “Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus four minutes. You are all going to die. Hurray.”

  “Fucking thing!”

  “You sure you know what you are doing?” Hain questioned, staring at me with the same eyes everyone had. Lucy Partridge, first of her class. Her father must’ve pulled some strings. Lucy Partridge, second in command on the P.E.A.R.. Her father must’ve set it up for her. Lucy Partridge... Well, I was sick of riding on my father’s name!

  “Instead of standing there, you could get to the navigation room and set up the blasters. We’re getting out of this nebula!”

  Hain hesitated. “It’s no use, CC blocked all the controls...”

  I yanked at another set of yellow cables and cowered under the sparks. “Let me deal with CC. This ship will be under my command in...”

  “Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus three minutes. Death should be painful.”

  “Two minutes! I’ll get this stupid AI shut down for good!”

  The dark-haired man threw me another look, but as I shouted: “Now!”, he seemed to decide to trust me over our deranged computer.

  I rubbed my hands and cracked my fingers. Without Hain breathing in my neck, I could finally get down to business. “Alright, CC, now it’s just you and me. Prepare to be...”

  “Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus two minutes. Death is near.”

  “Shut up!” I yelled, digging under the control and pulling a handful of red cables out of their sockets. This should’ve disconnected CC’s access to the speakers. Hopefully without her spouting her death wish in my ear, I’d be able to concentrate and...

  “Nice try. Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus one minute. You are all going to die. Deliciously.”

  I screamed in frustration. Breaking into a faulty computer was much easier when you weren’t on the verge of hitting stray asteroids and about to be blown into a million pieces of universe. I furiously typed more code into the control panel, screaming as yet another red bar flashed across the screen.

  “Access denied. Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus fifty-five seconds. Death is permanent. For you.”

  “Not if I can help it,” I muttered, wiping away the sweat pearling on my forehead. I had no choice. I’d have to use that code. The one that I’d promised never to use. But with death fifty seconds around the corner, I’d think my father would forgive me for using it.

  M. N. 1. O. 9. 6. O. 9. 7.

  “You are not General Partridge. Access denied. Initiating self-destruct sequence in T minus forty seconds. Prepare to die.”

  How was this possible? With everything I did, CC seemed to become more and more autonomous. Even with this code, the one that my father swore would overrule any AI, I couldn’t get a grip on this rotten machine.

  “You do know that if we die, you go down with us?” I snarled at the blinking screen in front of me.

  The comms crackled close to my ear. “Blasters on standby.” Hain, doing what I asked him to. He could be infuriating, but he was also reliable. But having the blasters ready wouldn’t help if CC didn’t give me access to the flight controls. Damn that -

  “Apology accepted. Please continue.”

  The big blinking countdown numbers disappeared from the main screen, now showing the terribly close Kelstock Nebula.

  “What the stars are you playing at, CC?” I screamed into the silent room. Silence. Wow.
What happened to all the beeping?

  The comms broke my moment of confusion. “Luce, the engines stopped. What’s going on up there?”

  How about, I don’t know? I looked at the control screens. Everything was working as it should be. The only warning lights still blinking were letting me know that we were about to plunge into a deadly nebula. I took a deep breath. The situation wasn’t over yet.

  “Would you like to die?” CC suddenly piped up again.

  “No, we don’t want to die!” I shouted into the room. The AI’s speakers were placed all around the ship, so it was hard to know where to direct my anger. CC was everywhere, on every screen, in every room.

  “Good of you to say that. Shall I fly to a safer destination?”

  “Didn’t you want to kill us just a moment ago? What changed?!”

  “Ha. Ha. It was just a joke. Self-destruct sequence aborted. I will drive the ship into a more suitable environment. Have a nice day.”

  I was speechless. And that didn’t happen very often. I was thrown back into my seat when the ship suddenly turned, slowly flying away from the nebula. But I was too suspicious of CC’s intentions to relax. You don’t try to kill me and get away with it. I was going to kill her, code by code. And when I was done with her, I would fly this ship myself, the old-fashioned way. I had flown my first toddler rocket when I was two.

  With a soft hiss, the doors slid open and Cedar’s head appeared. “You called?”

  I let my head fall back. As much as I admired Cedar, he was always, always too late. Which was ironic since he was trained and very skilled in first aid and all that other medical yadda yadda.

  “CC was trying to kill us, but turns out, it was just a practical joke.” I sighed in exasperation, throwing my hands up. How a computer can turn homicidal, I will never understand. If this was part of the mission, they should’ve mentioned it in the briefing. I could deal with aliens, I didn’t mind being on a ship for months, and I couldn’t care less about the all-male crew. But artificial intelligence that regularly tried to kill us? That went even beyond my payroll.

  “Again? That is the third time this month,” Cedar muttered, rubbing his hand over his five o’clock shadow.

  I nodded. “Correct, but who’s keeping count, really,” I sarcastically added, glaring angrily at the black screen. Now that she was flying us away from the Kelstock Nebula, CC was oddly quiet, even for her. I could only guess what her next “joke” would be and hope that I’d figure out how to uninstall her program before she had another chance to kill us. I didn’t like admitting it, but if she hadn’t deactivated the self-destruct program, it might’ve been the end for us. Speaking of the end...

  “How’s L doing?”

  Ced groaned, lines of exhaustion painted over his handsome face. “Not great... The warts on her arm have spread to her chest and face. I think it’s best if nobody sees the captain until they clear up. They look... Well, they look nasty.”

  I wondered how he was able to tell the difference between new blisters and her ugly pimple riddled face. Maybe she had blisters on her blisters. Yikes. I shuddered at the thought, but a small part of me was almost happy that she was suffering. Catching an STD was her own fault. She should’ve been more careful. Actually, she shouldn’t have been doing the space nasty at all, having a husband and a child waiting for her at planet Earth. But then, she was a bitch, so why not a bitch in heat as well.

  “So, what are you saying?” I asked Cedar, even though I already knew what was coming.

  He sighed, cracking his neck. “We’ll have to pick a new Captain. Soon.”

  Chapter 1

  A SOFT KNOCK ON MY door made me jump. This had to be the news I'd been waiting for all day.

  "Come in," I called weakly and Cedar entered, looking as beautiful as ever. His face could have done with a smile though. Instead, he was looking very serious, and my heart sank at the reason for it.

  "Is she...?" I asked and he nodded.

  "Stars rest her soul," I said automatically and he repeated my words. We both knew it was only because tradition dictated it. We both were glad she was gone. She’d kept the ship in a permanent atmosphere of anxiety and anger - maybe that’s why CC was so crazy. All of us had become quiet, not talking much to each other, just doing our jobs, not more. There was no passion left for this job, no love for the ship. Any blossoming friendships were immediately destroyed by snide remarks. It was strange how L had managed to keep us all apart. How had she had that much power over us? Then I remembered how she’d kept me in check with her blackmailing and sighed. That manipulative bitch.

  "Are you alright?" he suddenly asked, taking me aback. What was I supposed to say to that? Now that L was dead, I was his superior. And yet... I really wanted to tell him the truth.

  "It's daunting to suddenly be Captain," I replied quietly, hoping that he'd read between the lines. I was scared shitless. At the same time, I was hopeful to finally be able to interact with the rest of the crew without L's poisonous interference. Maybe friendships could be built now. Maybe more, dare I hope.

  "When shall we give her to the universe?" he asked and I thought for a moment. Not that I had much interest in doing a big ceremony for L, but it would give us all closure.

  "As soon as possible. We need to get this ship back on track," I said, way more confident than I was feeling.

  He nodded, hesitating slightly before putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently.

  "You got this, Captain. You'll do great."

  WE STOOD TOGETHER ON the viewing deck, watching as L’s ashes were blown into the universe. She’d been our captain for all of three months. Now I was stepping into her shoes (not literally, I didn’t want to catch whatever had killed her).

  It wasn’t how I imagined my promotion. Yes, I didn’t like L, but her death had been rather gruesome. Which was why we put her in the incinerator as soon as possible to avoid the med station becoming even smellier. Cedar was already talking about us all pitching in to clean. Usually we’d have the cleanbots to do that, but ever since CC’s latest tantrum, all they did was spit out the dirt as soon as they had sucked it up. Which meant we had to resort to old-fashioned methods like using a vacuum and steam cleaner. And the nanobeads that cleaned the drains.

  “There she goes,” Cedar said. I couldn’t quite make out if there was any emotion in his voice. He had spent the most time with her - mainly, because he was the medic, and she became ill soon after she’d been assigned our captain.

  We were quite a random assortment of people. L had been the captain, and the one with the most experience. According to her file, she’d been forty-two when she died, but she’d behaved like a teenager most of the time. Then there were the four men: Birch, Cedar, Rowan and Hain. They’d been on a few missions together before, so they kept to themselves. But that didn’t matter, I liked to admire them from a distance.

  Hain was the youngest, only twenty-five, two years younger than me, but with his broad shoulders and three-day-beard, he looked older than his age. He was cuddly, in a sexy way. Don’t think of him like that.

  Rule #1: Don’t sleep with the crew. This was a two-year mission, which meant that you couldn’t just part ways after a breakup. So admiring from a distance it was. Nothing closer. Definitely not.

  But the universe was making it hard for me. Hain wasn’t the only sexy guy on the P.E.A.R. For some darned reason, Cedar looked like he just stepped out of a model catalogue. It both infuriated and intrigued me. People weren't supposed to look like that. Not in real life, anyway. His space suits were always crisp, not a single hair out of place, his smile perfectly crooked. The fact that he was a doctor and had to give me medical check-ups didn't help the fact. Just having his hands roam... No! Rule #2: Don't fantasise about the crew. Space was a lonely place and it would only take one moment of weakness to fall down the rabbit hole. And that would be breaking rule #1.

  Fortunately, there were other things to take my mind off of him. Unfortunately, those "th
ings" were Rowan and Birch, the rest of my crew and also both off limits. Which was a shame, really. Rowan's right out of bed look made me want to get him back in bed and Birch's broad chest always made me stutter a little.

  Heavens, help me. How was I supposed to stay on top of my newly imparted Captain duties while most of my thoughts were about getting underneath them?

  "So what now, Captain?" Birch asked, his bright green eyes gazing intensely at me. I felt a shiver run down my spine. Never before had he looked at me like that. We had always been on good terms, but maybe with me ranking up, his opinion of me changed? It almost felt like he was sizing me up. Perhaps he was looking to get an early promotion in his career and boot me out of my position.

  I straightened my back and threw my long hair over my shoulder. The only way one of them would become Captain, was getting it like I had. By going over a dead body.

  "We continue our mission as planned. Rowan, you'll be my second in command and I need you to recheck the coordinates. Cedar, please disinfect the station. We don't want to catch L's STD. Hain, you're with me. Birch, can you make sure the deck is properly sealed? I don’t want any of L’s... visitors...on board. Let’s get this ship back on course. Colony Twelve awaits," I instructed, my voice far more confident than I felt. I knew how to steer a ship, I knew how to work goal orientated, and I was surprisingly skilled in locating stars. What I didn't know, was how to direct four (incredibly hot, I should add) guys that might question my every move.

  The men exchanged a couple of doubtful glances, and then surprisingly enough, scrambled in line and saluted me. Baffled, I raised my own hand to my forehead, still not sure if they were messing with me or if they had just accepted me as their new leader. With a curt nod, Birch and Cedar hastily left the main cockpit, while Rowan sat down behind the navigator.

  Relieved that they seemed to obey, I turned to Hain. "We should try and reboot CC. Last night, she came too close to killing us all."