Feeling the tears relentlessly drip off my chin and hit my thighs was enough, the desperation and total lack of desire to continue what I now knew was a hollow existence, beat me. As if fate was giving me the go ahead, I saw the Mack truck in the distance, blurring in the sun’s haze.
Sniffing back my emotions, gritting my teeth and taking a deep breath I shut my eyes. By doing this, by being the person to make the decision of what my future held wouldn’t make the world stop and it didn’t feel scary, it felt liberating. I opened the windows and could feel the air swirling around me, whipping my hair in to the frenzy I no longer felt now I’d made my decision. Finally, gripping the steering wheel with determination I began to push down on the accelerator pedal to increase the speed of the car. Convinced I was nearly upon the truck, I vowed to push myself on, smiling and shouting with a sick pleasure that I was going to be in charge of my fate, not my family. After a minute or two I heard a car horn beeping wildly, the panic formed and swelled inside me instantaneously causing me to swerve in an attempt to avoid the collision. My body and instinct had failed me and opted to fight the end result rather than comply with what had been the best outcome for everyone.
My eyes flew open as I left the highway and the car began to bounce along creating a dust cloud behind me, with the windows still open, the dust began to swirl and thicken in the cabin area. One of the rear tires popped and the sounds caused me to scream as I fought to keep the car stable, praying that wrestling with the brake pedal would calm the unstable fishtailing action. When I finally came to a standstill I was shaking like a leaf, I had failed and at that precise moment I was neither disappointed nor relieved that my impulsive plan hadn’t succeeded. I was raised a Catholic girl who wasn’t sure whether to believe, but just recently I’d began to wonder whether there was something bigger than all of us, some life design we were destined to live out to maintain the earth’s balance.
Today wasn’t my day to die.
The end outcome now meant I’d have to take a different path rather than force a plan that wasn’t intended. I had to believe that my sacrifice would come when it was perfectly timed and its purpose was required for greater good.
Through my watery, grit filled eyes, I could see a motel in the distance, I was mentally drained and didn’t give a rat’s ass whether the car had a blown out tire, I was going to drive my jalopy there and regroup. I checked in and stripped off my clothes quickly, the sweat and smell of fear was noticeable and I was covered in dust and sand, I needed a shower. The room was basic but clean and the only plans I had right now were to stand under the shower until the warm water ran out. I’d gone so long in my cabin without a real TV, that the old set chained to the wall in the room felt almost space age. The constant noise and flashing lights made me feel anxious so I switched it off in disgust and then forced myself to make a trip to a pizza joint across the road for some take out.
Tomorrow I’d repair the tire, or try and put on the spare, it didn’t matter which and start again. Find another non-descript town, in a back water community and rebuild myself, hoping that my continued silence meant something to my family, enough for them to forget the hunt.
With a full belly, I climbed under the covers, thinking about the goodness I felt from being touched by Jake.
A while later I woke, it was dark and someone was moving the covers, hysteria was surfacing and I was getting ready to fight, “Easy, easy, it’s just me.” Even in my exhausted haze, I recognized his voice.
“Please leave,” I whispered deflated.
“I can’t.”
“Jake, please, today was hard enough. It’ll be even harder tomorrow.”
Jake ignored that completely and climbed into bed beside me, my proclivity to run became operational and I headed for the other side of the bed. “Please… Cara, just give me a minute.” I heard the hesitation in his voice and it was then that I knew, he’d finally found out who I was.
“Jake, it’s safer if I’m alone.”
“It’s not Jake. It’s Ross.”
“You don’t need to tell me anything,” I protested.
“I know that, but trust has to be earned. This is me, earning it.” Jake, or Russ, or whoever the hell he was, held his arms open, inviting me to climb back in the bed. I couldn’t remember the last time someone wanted to embrace me, offer me safety and kindness. Fear is a real thing, it’s ugly and breathes deep inside you. No one wants to feel it. Everyone will do everything they can to avoid it or make it go away and that’s the reason I chose to climb back in the bed. When he wrapped his arms around me, I caved completely and started to sob, no one had ever chased me for something good. In my world, you were always where you were supposed to be or you were dead, the chase was just a prelude to the inevitable.
“Hey now come on, calm down, you’re OK and you’re safe,” he soothed, running his hand through my hair, resting his lips through the top of my head whilst he spoke.
“I’m not and neither are you whilst you’re with me.”
“I can handle myself Cara.”
“You wouldn’t have to handle yourself if I wasn’t around. I’ll bring the devil to your door eventually.”
“Technically you didn’t, my dad did and trust me, we’re capable of handlin’ ourselves,” he repeated.
“Tell me something, anything,” I asked him, realizing that his gravelly voice made me feel calmer.
“My name is Ross Wilkes, I work for the government. I’m an undercover agent for the ATF.” I stilled the minute he finished and shoved my foot into the bed, ready to haul ass. “Stop, stop, STOP!” he bellowed, “I’m one of the good guys.”
“There are no good guys. Not in my experience, the lines are always blurry.”
“That’s not fair, I’ve done nothin’ but help you since we met. I didn’t tell you because of the undercover bit and most people don’t know, I had to make sure both me and my old man were protected. We had no idea who you were.”
I made to move again and he clamped his arms around me, it was like being constricted by a python. “Well I think you now know, so forget you’ve seen me and met me, hell, even fucked me and we’ll go our separate ways.” My words seemed to anger him, but I was simply past caring, I couldn’t trust a government Fed, my father had more of them on his payroll than he did normal criminals.
“Firstly, think about all I’ve done. I could have hauled your ass to an office ages ago. Think about how I’ve tried to help you. Secondly, I know one thing for sure, I won’t forget about fuckin’ you anytime soon.” The atmosphere in the room seemed to crackle with his admission, it seemed like it wasn’t just me that was affected by what we did earlier today.
Slowly I began to take in words computing them and thinking, or rather remembering. I called up my memory banks and payroll files and confirmed I’d never seen that name listed. It was one of these crazy times my gift actually came in useful.
“How’s it working out for you so far, the thinkin’?” he asked, it seems like I’d zoned out for a while and Ross was trying to see where I was at.
“I have a hard time trusting people, it’s not a trait I was taught growing up and on the very rare occasion I felt brave enough, those people either let me down or disappeared from my life.”
“Figures, listen I don’t know what the solution is to your problem because I’m still kinda in the dark, but you can trust I will do all I can to keep you safe.”
I considered the probability that he was insincere and calculated his words using a type of mathematical formula, because it was the only way I knew how. His reasons for not revealing his true identity were sound, he had helped me and even given me a weapon. I dug as deep as possible and didn’t get the feeling I was being sucker punched. “What do you want to know?”
“Anythin’ you wanna share baby.”
“Who helped you identify me and how?”
“An old pal, completely trustworthy. Out of the services but has as much clearance and access to information as the fu
ckin’ president. Do not worry about that. I sent him some hair from your brush and some fingerprints.” Ross shrugged it off, like it was no big deal, but he was good at this undercover stuff, with him focusing on my training I penned him as ex army or commando.
“Am I a case? Are you working me?”
“No, I’m on vacation. You can thank my old man and his need to save a pretty girl for gettin’ me involved,” he laughed.
“I love your dad, he’s been my only friend since I left. Where is he?”
“Vegas. Annual reunion with some buddies. He’s on his way back, he’s sharp as anything, so he’s good to have around to keep an eye on things.”
“OK,” I felt a bit of warmth spread through my body, these strangers were taking me on, joining my fight and I could feel it. Their reassurance gave me a glimmer of hope.
Ross’s demeanor changed, he became serious, “I want to hear your real name Cara,” he whispered.
“I can’t do it. I can’t say it. If I say it, it’s real, she’s real and still exists. That name, that girl scares me.”
“I’m right here baby, you’re safe. I’ve got you.” And he had. Even though he was fully clothed, under my sheets and the room was still dark, I felt safer than I had in years and I was feeling brave enough to do it.
“A… Antonia.”I stuttered, “Antonia Acerbi.”
“It’s a fuckin’ beautiful name.”
“I feel so many emotions when I hear it. Scared, privileged, entitled and right now, it’s like she’s a stranger, someone I knew who’s died.”
“It’s OK, I understand more than anyone about havin’ an identity crisis. I spend more time as someone else, someone made up and created that half the time I don’t know who the fuck I am.”
“Really?”
“Abso-fuckin’-lutely,” he threw back.
“I daren’t find myself, who I want to be, until the scary life isn’t a threat anymore. It would kill me to lose something I’ve been working so hard, something I’ve risked everything for.”
Ross, I could see him clearer now, was quiet for a while. Losing the identity of Jake removed some of the unknown and made him real and tangible. “I understand that too, I’ll make you a deal, we’ll help each other find who we’re meant to be.”
“It scares the shit out of me that I like the sound of that,” I admitted.
“Me too baby, me too. Get some sleep and we’ll talk some more in the mornin’.”
I snuggled down deep, thinking for the first time I was looking forward to going to sleep at night. I mean, finally, real proper sleep, no half way state where I had to listen to the world around me. No fear coursing through my body. I even dared to hope, that tonight would be the first night I’d sleep without recurring nightmares because of this guardian angel. He’d swooped into my world and just like earlier, I began to see it as some kind of divine intervention and a sign that this was all part of Gods bigger plan for me.
Chapter Sixteen
*****
Ross
Would I sound like a total fuckin’ pussy if I sat here and said I felt relieved?
My whole body was jittery without her, I’d only spent weeks with her, but I was beginning to feel like she was mine. I’d always gone for the stronger woman, but there’s something about Cara, or Antonia, that was special because she was both, very strong and completely vulnerable. Her desire to be this badass girl who could take care of herself was the very thing making her more vulnerable. A little training and education had made her feel brave enough to run. Now I had to help her feel safe enough to stay put and possibly let the fight find her. Running long term is impossible, the longer you win at it the more relaxed you become, that’s when you trip up and get caught.
I knew in my gut I’d move heaven and earth to see her through this and it was a feeling that had snuck up on me.
Our current situation was so high school it was laughable. We were in a cheap motel bed, one of us was fully dressed whilst the other was a bag of nerves. The only things we were missing was a bottle of liquor stolen from our parents, some candles and cheesy romance tunes. Despite all of this, it would take a bomb to get me to move. I cradled that girl in my arms and it didn’t take long for her to burrow down and get comfortable. Her head was in the crook of my arm balanced against my chest and I could smell the soap she’d used on her scalp and hair. As she settled more into her dream state she hitched a leg up over my thigh and forced me to separate my legs.
Fuck me, it feels… right.
My job and constant assignments, state hopping across the country, hadn’t given me any reason to settle down. It was either too dangerous or I was never in one place for long enough. A quick fuck or a no strings attached regular hook up was the best I could hope for. It wasn’t fair to set up home with someone and never be there, never be able to contact them or even tell them where I was. Having your significant other contact you with messages through a handler wasn’t exactly a turn on. There was only one girl I felt like I could have given it up for, Neely and the more wrapped up in my case she became, the more I realized she was in love with someone else.
Never a good feeling.
I knew I felt something for the girl I was cuddling, but at the moment I wasn’t sure just how deep that feeling was returned. Her shyness was unbelievably cute, it wasn’t ideal that she was a part of dad’s life in Rockton, especially if she didn’t want me, but above all else, I didn’t want to take advantage. I was concerned that she’d be getting involved through some feelings of debt or repayment. The last thing I wanted was to feel like she was fucking me because of some twisted need to thank me for what I’d done.
It was all very confusing, if for no other reason because I didn’t know what to call her. She shifted positions and ended up sleeping on her side with her hands tucked under her cheek, in prayer position. The innocent way she brought her knees to her chest did things to me, she’d been battling this shit alone and it gutted me to think she had no one to turn to.
I had no real idea why she was on the run, or what had happened with her family, either way, my instinct was to cocoon her and spoon her body. It felt right to give her subconscious the protection she’d been missing. As I did this she wriggled her ass against my cock. Not ideal at all, but I remember forcing myself to think of boring and ugly things in an effort to ward off my desire, as I drifted off to sleep. This girl is exhausted and needed her sleep, not to feel like she was tempting the beast.
The next morning the sun was streaming through a gap in the window drapes, the magnified sunbeam I could feel on my arms was like a blow torch and the heat was blistering hot. I didn’t want to wake her and she’d slept a good two hours past our normal run time. I shifted slightly to get my arm out of the furnace and heard her briefly moan in her sleep, “Cute as fuck,” I mumbled stupidly and that seemed to rouse her from her slumber.
Antonia sat up so abruptly, I thought I was going to need CPR, “Shit, what’s wrong?” I asked and she looked around the room puzzled, before slipping into some kind of trance facing the wall.
“Hey Antonia, what’s up?”
“Don’t call me that! I’m Cara,” she snapped.
“OK, OK. Now tell me what’s wrong?”
“Uh, nothing, sorry… first thing in the morning fear habit,” she told me oddly, “but I can’t believe how well I’ve slept.”
“Yeah, you just sorta collapsed, you must have needed it.”
“I think it was because I felt safe enough to shut down.” Cara made these odd little references all the time, sooner or later I’d put it all together, but right now she was a complex puzzle of mystery and intrigue.
After we’d both visited the bathroom, I hopped back into the shower, I needed it after sleeping in my clothes. I knew it was the right thing to do last night for Cara, if only because I was dressed to defend her and make her feel safe. I heard her shout that she was going out for coffee and donuts whilst I was lathering up and decided to hurry my ass up. I wante
d to observe her from the motel room window, I wasn’t completely convinced that she wasn’t going to take off again. I was also questioning whether I’d chase her down again. I’d opened up to her, she needed to have faith in me and trust that it was right to stay and fight through whatever was going on together.
I moved to the bed as I saw her coming across the parking lot and welcomed the smell of fresh coffee as she handed me the take away cup. “What happens now?” she asked nervously.
I honestly thought I’d have to be a bit gentle and start the conversation off but it would appear she was still too anxious to take a few minutes and just breathe. “We go home to dad’s, train some more and see if we can switch it up. Turn the hunter into the hunted.”
I watched Cara still at my suggestion, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, anonymity has served me well so far.”
“It has, but so will the unexpected. The ones who set the traps and think they have the power rarely expect the mouse to be keepin’ tabs on them.”
“How will you do that?”
“I’ve got some trusted sources who owe me.”
“No!” she snaps, flying off the bed, “It’s too dangerous, we can’t trust anyone. I’ll have to run again. I’ll be forced to, I can’t stay somewhere I don’t feel safe.”
I could see she was physically backing away and mentally withdrawing, time to put her at ease. “OK, to clarify, I meant really trusted resources, as in me, my dad and my pal J.” Even with these words she wasn’t calming down, her fear was taking over and I needed to understand where it was coming from so I could work her through it. “Cara, baby, sit down. Let’s work through this. Talk to me, tell me somethin’, anythin’.”
“Like what?” she forced out through her deep breathing.
“Doesn’t matter what just talk until you feel like you’re in control again.”
I watched as she put the coffee down and began to pick at imaginary bits of lint on her shorts. “I think he hated me because I reminded him of my mom and I got her gift, only better.”
Survivor (The Soul Mates Series Book 1) Page 8
