Tainted Bodies

by Sarah Robinson

  “Kate, I do love you and you are my best friend. I guess I just don’t really like labels. Right now, we have this freedom where we choose to be with each other. No words or title or anything forces us to stay together, we are together because we love each other and at this moment that’s what we want.”

  Kate took another bite of her meal, thinking about what he had said with each chew. She felt unsure now, because what he had said sounded beautiful but it also sounded rehearsed.

  “Well, I can understand that, it makes sense. But I don’t really think a label is a means of trapping a person. It’s a sign of commitment and a future. It tells each other and the world that two people are bonded to each other and love one another and hopefully stay that way throughout their lives.” Kate said, hoping that romanticizing the title of “boyfriend/girlfriend” might make him change his mind.

  Derrick sighed and looked down at his plate.

  “What exactly are you asking me, Kate? Are you asking to be exclusive? Or boyfriend and girlfriend? Are you asking for me to commit to a future together? You seem to be tip-toeing around something, but I don’t know exactly what you want to come from this conversation.” Derrick questioned her, his voice slightly agitated.

  “Partly, yes. I haven’t been with anyone else while we have been seeing each other, but we have never discussed if that was allowed or not. I don’t know if you still are seeing other women, or just me.” Kate blurted out, urgency and frustration in her voice. This conversation was starting to turn negative as she had feared and she was hoping to try and steer it back into safer waters.

  “Is that what this is about? What does it matter what I do when I’m not with you? Does it make our time together any less special? We have a great time together and we love each other, nothing changes that.” Derrick said, definitely visibly agitated this time as he tossed his napkin onto his plate.

  “What? Of course it does! Are you telling me that you are sleeping with other women?” Kate asked incredulously, angry that he was insinuating that he could be seeing other women besides her.

  “No, I’m not saying that. I haven’t slept with anyone recently but you, I’m just saying that it wouldn’t matter either way.”

  “Recently? What does ‘recently’ mean when we have been together almost six months? And you think it wouldn’t matter? I’m asking you if we have a future together, I’m asking you if the last few months are building towards that future or just a colossal waste of time!” Kate spit out angrily, dropping down her fork with a loud clang against her plate.

  “Kate, calm down. Is this really that important to you?” Derrick asked, taking a deep breath and looking around the restaurant, slightly embarrassed at the volume they had reached. He was also caught off guard at Kate’s hostility just then. He didn’t want to ruin what they have and he could tell that this conversation could cause just that if he didn’t tiptoe very carefully.

  “Yes, it is very important to me. Our time together has been important to me. My future is important to me. My partner in life, who I thought might be you, is important to me.” Kate says, starting angrily and then fading into a quiet grumble.

  “Okay, okay. Well, let’s talk about it. Let’s figure out a solution. What would you like me to do?” Derrick posed the question, trying to figure out how to resolve this and calm her down.

  Kate took a deep breath and then was quiet for a moment, thinking about what she wanted and how to choose her words carefully. She realized that she had lost control for a moment and gotten too emotional. She didn’t want to screw this up or push away the man she loved just because she couldn’t control her tongue.

  “I want a commitment. I want a future. That’s it.” Kate said, softly. She took another sip of her wine as she looked at him, waiting for his answer. Then quickly decided that wasn’t enough and so she gulped down the remainder of the wine in her glass.

  “Kate, let’s take a walk. I’ll get the check.” Derrick signaled the waiter and handed him some cash as the two got up and headed out of the restaurant.

  ~~~~

  Derrick and Kate exited the restaurant and walked quietly, side-by-side but not touching, heading down a side road towards the beach. Once they reached the beach after a few blocks, they headed in the direction of their inn. Kate stayed quiet, waiting for him to begin the conversation. She had already said everything she was feeling and now she was lost as to where they went from here. Derrick finally cleared his throat and began,

  “Kate, do you want to know the truth?” Derrick asked her, quietly. Kate nodded that she did want to know as she looked sideways at him while they continued walking. They both paused to remove their shoes so that they could feel the sand squeezing between their toes as they traversed the beach together.

  “The truth is that the few rare times that I did that, you know, uh, made a…commitment, or a promise, it didn’t end well for me. They either got too protective and paranoid over me or they did the exact opposite and cheated on me. My high school sweetheart, turned college sweetheart, cheated on me with a married man and I caught her red handed. It was undoubtedly the worst day of my life and I never saw it coming, not even for a second. I don’t really want to put myself into that position again.” Derrick honestly told her, feeling a bit embarrassed to be so vulnerable in front of her.

  Kate stayed quiet, there was nothing she could say to that. She understood why it made him scared, but she wanted him to push past that fear for her.

  “Derrick, I am so sorry, she sounds awful. She never should have done that to you, you don’t deserve that.” Kate told him in earnest, looking up deep into his eyes in an attempt to truly convey to him how sorry she was. She never wanted to think about someone hurting him and this was clearly a very painful memory for him. She let a few moments of silence go by and then continued.

  “I am not her, Derrick. I would never hurt you.” Kate whispered quietly, looking down at her feet and squeezing his hand a little tighter.

  They walked in silence for awhile longer, then Derrick slowed and stopped. He turned to Kate and pulled her towards him, pressing her tightly against his chest. He leaned down and kissed her, her hands folded in between them and his arms wrapped around her. They got lost for a moment between their lips, then Derrick pulled back just slightly, enough to look in her eyes.

  “I want to make you happy, Kate. If that’s what you need, then okay. We can try it. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Exclusive. The whole nine yards. I’ll wear a ball and chain for you if you want!” Derrick joked. Kate smiled and rolled her eyes, then pulled him down to her for another kiss.

  “I won’t hurt you, Derrick. I promise.” Kate whispered to him again in their embrace. Derrick smiled gently at her as they kissed again, but there was a nervousness in his eyes. He knew that he had just exposed himself much more than he was ever comfortable doing. He just hoped that he had made the right choice, that Kate was the right choice.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The rest of their weekend, Kate was floating on air. They went to the vineyard and got tipsy on the most delicious wines. They bought several bottles, for themselves, for Annie, and for other friends. They ate lunch on a blanket in between rows of grapes, enjoying fruits and cheeses that they fed to each other. They were mostly alone in walking around the vineyard except for a few other tourists and of course the vineyard workers, which gave them plenty of opportunity to take advantage of the soft green grass and the privacy provided by the vines.

  All wonderful weekends still only last forty-eight hours and so Sunday evening finally rolled around and the couple begrudgingly packed their luggage into the car and drove the two hours back to Washington, DC. Kate fell asleep for most of the drive but woke up when they were closing in on the end of the trip.

  “You completely missed our exit!” Kate pointed to the road they should have taken, but flew past instead on their way home from Delaware. Derrick looked to where she was pointing and mentally chastised himself.

  “I meant to
do that,” Derrick grinned at her with a mischievous look in his eyes, “we are taking the scenic route.”

  “Oh really? What are we going to see?” Kate questioned him.

  “Uh…more of the I-95? You know you were always curious. Well, now is the chance to see another few miles of it.” Derrick grinned at her as Kate threw up her hands in exasperation.

  “Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ll take the next exit and make a u-turn.” Derrick told her, laughing at her dramatic reactions. Kate leaned back in her seat and yawned.

  “I think we should go straight to bed when we get back to my place, it’s been a long weekend and it’s almost midnight. I have work in the morning, too. Are you staying over tonight?” Kate asked him, reaching over and gently rubbing the back of his neck.

  “What, you think I’m tired of listening to you snore all weekend? Never.” Derrick teased her.

  “I do not snore!” Kate exclaimed.

  “Oh okay, you just breathe loudly in a snoring manner. My mistake.” Derrick patted her knee in mock understanding. Kate crossed her arms and pouted back at him.

  “I do not snore. Seriously, I don’t.” Kate insisted haughtily.

  “Well as much as I would love to sleep at your place tonight and listen to your quiet, feminine breathing,” Derrick chuckled, “I have a very early meeting tomorrow so it is probably better that I go home. I can meet you for lunch tomorrow at our coffee place? Then we can find some lunch place around there?”

  “Sure, sounds good. I’ve been wanting to try that new sushi place about a block from there. It’s a date.” Kate grinned at Derrick.

  The two finally made it back to Kate’s apartment and Derrick helped her unload her luggage and carry it up to her apartment, leaving it in the middle of her living room as they embraced in the doorway and kissed goodnight.

  “I had a really great time with you this weekend, girlfriend.” Derrick said, smiling down at her. Her eyes lit up at his words as she kissed him goodbye.

  “Me too, boyfriend.” Kate told him, feeling like her heart was dancing inside her chest. They embraced for a few more seconds before pulling apart.

  “I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow,” Derrick said heading out the door, but pausing for a moment to turn around and give her one last kiss. Kate smiled and said goodnight as she

  closed the door between them and walked further into her apartment.

  ~~~~

  Kate had just walked into her kitchen to get a glass of water when she heard a knock at the door. She grinned, glad that Derrick had come back for another kiss or maybe to stay the night. She put her unfilled glass of water back on it’s shelf from where she had just been grabbing it. She felt like she was floating on a cloud high above the ground as she rushed back to the door and swung it open to see Derrick,

  “Back for something?” Kate started but then stopped dead in her tracks as she quickly realized that this wasn’t Derrick.

  By the time she realized that the man standing in her door was dressed in a full black outfit with a ski mask and definitely was not Derrick, it was already too late. The stranger slammed his hand into her chest, shoving her back into her apartment harshly, knocking the wind out of her as she fell backwards onto the floor trying to catch her breath. She kept trying to breathe in, but it felt like air wasn’t able to enter her lungs.

  He slammed the door shut behind him and locked it as Kate tried to crawl away, too scrambled to stand up. Her mind was screaming, but she still had no air in her lungs and couldn’t make a sound. All she could hear was the shuffling of her knees on the wood floor and the heavy breathing of the stranger behind her.

  He quickly caught up to her and grabbed a handful of her hair as he pulled her towards the bedroom, dragging her across the floor by her hair as she struggled to get away. She clutched onto anything she could to stop him from dragging her into the bedroom, like the door post and a table leg, but nothing helped. Her mind was racing with a million thoughts but couldn’t seem to focus on one. She was completely bewildered and frightened and couldn’t wrap her mind around what was happening.

  The pain was so intense on her head from him pulling her by her hair. She finally found her breath and she began to scream, but the moment she did his hand was across her mouth, silencing her. She tried to bite his hand, scratch him, kick, punch, anything…but he was too strong for her. His hand across her mouth and nose was almost suffocating her and so she frantically tried to pull his hand off her face so that she could breathe.

  Finally, after what seemed like a fraction of a second and a century all at the same time, they were in the bedroom. The stranger lifted and flung her onto the bed and slapped her hard across the face as she tried to sit up and get away. She fell back, dazed at the attack. The room was tilting and her vision was blurry.

  He was already on top of her now, pinning her to the bed. She began crying and begging him not to hurt her. He said nothing as he began ripping her shirt to expose her breasts. She could smell his sweat and excitement as he leaned over her and could hear the sound of his ragged breathing. She tried desperately to get away and managed to get her hand free enough to hit him on the side of his head. He fell slightly to the side for a second, surprised, but then his face filled with rage. Kate’s eyes widened in fear at the sound of his clenched jaw and sight of his flaming eyes as he jumped back on top of her.

  In a fury, he began to beat Kate with his fists anywhere and everywhere. She tried to cover her face as she screamed while he rained punches down on her head, her neck, her chest, and her stomach. After a few minutes, he stopped hitting her and pulled off his belt, binding her hands above her head to the headboard with it.

  After he felt like he was back in control of her, the stranger continued to rip off the rest of her clothing and roughly shoved his hand between her legs. When she tried to keep them closed, he pried her knees apart and kneeled in between so she was defenseless. Kate continued crying, begging the stranger to stop as he shoved his fingers inside of her and began biting her breasts roughly.

  Soon, Kate could see that he was excited and had an erection from what he was doing to her. She couldn’t seem to even feel herself anymore. She wasn’t in her body as she watched the scene unfolding on her bed. She walked away from her tattered body and stood in the corner hugging herself while she watched the stranger push himself into her, grunting and moaning. She closed her eyes and just listened to herself quietly begging him to stop, hoping that when she did open her eyes it would be over.

  He continued for what seemed like an eternity as Kate sat in the corner of her room, watching with hollow eyes, as this man forced himself into her again and again and she lay there helplessly, no longer saying anything. She watched herself look at the ceiling like nothing was there anymore, because nothing was in her anymore. She was across the room watching. This wasn’t her. This couldn’t be her.

  When the man finished, he tucked himself back into his pants while Kate lay still frozen on the bed, unable to move from fear and pain. He pulled something out of his jacket pocket that Kate couldn’t identify at first but then she realized it was an old fashioned instant camera, the kind that printed a photograph as soon as you took it.

  He put the camera up to his face and peered through the lens at her. She was still laying frozen in bed, partially unclothed and fully bruised and bloody. He smiled at the sight.

  “Say thank you.” He spoke for the first time during their entire interaction in a spiteful and sarcastic tone, mocking her as if she should appreciate everything that he just put her through.

  She couldn’t move, let alone register what was happening. She heard the click of the camera and saw the flash but still couldn’t move.

  “Oh, this one is definitely for me.” He murmured to himself, looking at the resulting photograph. He then pushed the photograph into his back pants pocket. Picking up the camera again, he took a second picture and then pulled the print out as it popped out of the camera. He glanced at it after shaking
it for a moment and nodded, happy with his work.

  He then threw the photograph at her and it landed somewhere on the bed near her. She still didn’t move, didn’t even flinch, because the pain was so overwhelming that she had almost gone numb. All she could think about was hoping that she wasn’t going to die. Even from across the room, she could feel the wounds and blood rushing from her and knew that the lightheaded feeling was not a good sign.

  Kate left her corner and followed the stranger, glancing at herself still laying immobile on the bed. She watched him leave out the fire escape in the living room and stared out the window until she couldn’t see his shadow anymore, making sure that he was gone for good. She closed the window and locked it behind him, pressing a hand against the cold glass to steady herself for a moment.

  In her dissociative state, Kate felt herself walk back into her bedroom and kneel next to her bed, gently brushing her hand against her own face in an act of self-soothing, but her face cringed at the touch. She began to cry and was still unable to move. Kate got in bed next to herself and gently pulled her ravaged and bruised body into her arms, gently caressing her hair. She just laid there, hugging herself, because there just wasn’t anything else she could do.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Annie let herself into her sister’s apartment with the spare key she had and quickly put her purse down on the floor as she locked it behind her. She had rushed down to Washington, DC so fast that she hadn’t had time to bring any luggage with her from New York. She double checked the lock, feeling frightened at the eerie silence in the room. The apartment was still dark and Annie didn’t want to turn on any lights, afraid of what she would see. She stepped further into the apartment, trembling with nerves.