Eternal Detention

by Jamie Thomson

  Neglected. Forgotten.

  It rested on a massive marble plinth. Latin words carved on to the plinth declaimed his greatness to all. Unfortunately, hardly anyone could read Latin any more, so who knew what it said? And hardly anyone ever came to the gardens – or Swinefield, as the locals called them – for they were no longer kept up as gardens and the town’s one-way system made it difficult to get to, and there was nowhere to park.

  Nevertheless, despite the weather and its remoteness, two slight figures approached the statue, wrapped up in coats and scarves – Sooz and Christopher. They loitered nearby, looking around.

  ‘Where is he?’ said Sooz.

  ‘Dunno, but he definitely texted you?’ asked Chris.

  ‘Yeah. He said to be here at six,’ said Sooz, checking the time on her mobile phone.

  ‘Well, he’s usually pretty punctual,’ said Chris.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Sooz.

  ‘By the way, have I shown you this yet?’ said Christopher, and he pulled out a metal flask from his pocket. It was all black, with a skull and crossbones on the front. Underneath the skull the words ‘The Dark Lord’ were inscribed.

  ‘Hah, that’s cool!’ said Sooz, as she took the flask to examine it.

  ‘I got it online – they write what you want on it,’ said Chris.

  ‘Brill,’ said Sooz, handing it back. ‘Present for Dirk, right?’

  ‘Yeah, thought I’d…put something in it,’ said Chris, hesitantly.

  Sooz said, ‘Well, make sure whatever it is that it’s black – you know, like blackcurrant or black tea or cola or something.’

  ‘Oh yeah, it’ll be black all right!’ said Chris.

  ‘When are you going to give it to him, dude?’ said Sooz.

  ‘Dunno yet, later. A surprise for when we get Hasdruban out of the way or something, so don’t mention it!’ said Chris.

  ‘Right…oh, look here he comes,’ said Sooz. ‘Put it away!’ Chris hurriedly stashed the flask in a pocket.

  ‘Hi, guys,’ said Dirk, as he drew near through the misty cold. ‘What did you want, Sooz?’ He too was dressed in a coat and scarf. Black, of course.

  Sooz frowned. ‘What did I want? You texted me, all mysterious and that – and why here?’

  Dirk seemed surprised. ‘But I didn’t…I mean, it was you – you texted me!’

  ‘No, no, you said meet us here, and that I should tell Chris….’

  Dirk’s eyes widened as realisation dawned – the magazine on Hasdruban’s desk. Of course!

  ‘It’s a trap!’ he shouted.

  Suddenly, one side of Sir Ratum Swinefield’s plinth split open with a shattering crack and out of the dark, hollow interior leaped a black figure! A figure dressed in long, ragged black lace, with a strange, cobwebbed black headdress, a ripped-up black veil, and arm length tattered black velvet gloves. Her fingers ended in long, iron talons dripping with venom.

  ‘The Black Hag!’ screamed Dirk. Everyone took an involuntary step back, faces white with shock and fear.

  She was small – about the same size as Dirk, but her long taloned nails and strange headgear made her look bigger. She fixed her pale all-white eyes upon Dirk.

  ‘All shall mourn!’ she said in a voice like dry sand pouring into a bowl, followed by, ‘Dieeee!’ as she sprang forward like a pouncing spider, swiping her claws at Dirk.

  Dirk had to drop backwards on to the ground to avoid the envenomed talons.

  The Black Hag stepped forward, straddling Dirk’s supine body. He raised his arms up protectively – though they were no protection at all, as she had only to scratch him to kill him.

  Chris and Sooz snapped out of their shock. They darted in, trying to knock the Lady Grieve away from Dirk.

  The Black Hag swayed from side to side, slashing at them.

  ‘Nooo!’ said Dirk. ‘Don’t let her touch you, not even the slightest scratch! Get back, get back!’

  Sooz and Chris dodged aside.

  ‘Don’t worry, my pretties, your turn will come,’ hissed the Black Hag as she turned her attention to the small boy beneath her, who was trying desperately to scramble away, heels slipping on the wet grass.

  ‘Run, you two, run!’ said Dirk to Sooz and Chris.

  The Black Hag put a dirty bare foot on Dirk’s chest, pinning him in place. ‘My, aren’t we the hero – Hasdruban was right, you aren’t the Dark One I knew of old,’ she said, raising her taloned hands into the air. ‘Not that I care either way.’

  Sooz and Christopher hesitated, half in fear, half in guilt, not wanting to leave Dirk on his own, but knowing that one touch from those claws and they were dead.A tear sprang to Sooz’s eye. When the chips were down, when they were in real danger, Dirk was sacrificing himself for them. Or that’s what she and Christopher thought. But they didn’t know what Dirk knew – that he had a single dose of antidote in his pocket. That was all he’d had time to make.

  ‘I mean it, flee, you fools, flee,’ said Dirk, as he reached into his pocket. All he had to do was take the pain, pretend to be dead and then quaff the antidote…assuming she didn’t rip his throat open with those iron talons just to be sure, or the poison didn’t kill him in an instant. Her claws came down. Dirk closed his eyes. Was this it?

  ‘No!’ cried Sooz, and she leapt forward.

  Suddenly the Black Hag froze, her white, pallid eyes staring at something nearby.

  ‘YOU!’ she hissed hoarsely, and she stepped forward over Dirk, as if she’d just forgotten he was there. Dirk twisted on the ground to see what had distracted her, Sooz crashing down beside him, Chris a few moments behind.

  Ahead out of the wispy fog came a figure, pale and wan, dressed in billowing white robes – the White Witch!

  Dirk’s heart sank. ‘How can we fight both of them?’ he said.

  ‘Wait,’ said Sooz. ‘Look!’

  The Black Hag and the White Witch began to circle each other, the Black Hag holding her arms wide, talons spread like poisoned branches of death, the White Witch holding only a flimsy dagger.

  ‘My Eternal Enemy,’ rasped the Black Hag. The White Witch nodded at her.

  ‘Of course,’ said Dirk, getting to his feet. ‘They are sworn enemies, deadly foes, each the mirror of the Light and the Dark – a thousand years of bitter enmity!’

  The Black Hag began to smile, revealing crooked black teeth. ‘But this time, you have no magic, no potions, no holy fires,’ she said in a voice like a dusty tomb. ‘There is only the Malefic Taint.’

  She darted forward, scything at the White Witch, who hopped backwards.

  Dirk frowned. This wasn’t looking good for the White Witch. She was taller and stronger than the Black Hag, but actual hand to hand combat wasn’t her thing, whereas the Black Hag was in her element and none of the White Witch’s magic would work here on Earth. And the Hag was fast. Anyway, what was the White Witch doing here? Why did she come? The Black Hag was doing Hasdruban’s bidding, after all.

  ‘We’d better get out of here,’ said Chris. ‘Now!’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Sooz, ‘this isn’t our fight!’

  ‘Wait,’ said Dirk, ‘something doesn’t add up.’

  The White Witch lunged with her dagger. Lady Grieve hopped back and hacked down at her arm with the talons. The Witch jerked her hand back just in time.

  ‘What shall we do?’ said Chris.

  ‘I dunno,’ said Dirk, ‘Maybe intervene, tip the odds…’

  ‘Yeah, but on whose side?’ said Sooz.

  Dirk shrugged. ‘That is the question!’ he said.

  The Black Hag gave a hoarse wail, leaped forward and swiped at the Witch, who gave ground rapidly. Dirk frowned. The White Witch was backing away – towards Dirk and Chris and Sooz. Was she trying to lead the Black Hag to them? Why turn up at all then? Or…what was going on?

  The Black Hag darted forward, and swiped low at the Witch’s legs – she dodged to the side – but a talon scratched her, ever so lightly, on the calf. Even that slight scratch left an inflame
d mark. The White Witch grimaced in pain.

  The Black Hag hissed in triumph. Most ordinary folk would already be paralysed and dying but the White Witch was resistant to the Black Hag’s poison. Still, it was having an effect. Several hits from the Black Hag would probably do the trick.

  ‘Oh, how sweetly shall I mourn your death!’ said the Lady Grieve.

  The White Witch’s face was screwed up in pain, but she still managed a defiant smile.

  Then Dirk noticed something – it looked like a roll of wallpaper or a newspaper, but made of leather or something similar. The White Witch had let it fall nearby. Dirk snatched it up.

  ‘Aha!’ he said. ‘It’s a rolled-up Hole.’

  ‘What?’ said Chris and Sooz together.

  ‘A Magic Hole. Simply lay it on the ground like so…’ said Dirk as he rolled it out in front of him. It settled on to the grass. And became a hole. A black hole of nothingness in the ground.

  Sooz and Chris stared at it in astonishment.

  ‘Whatever you do, do not step on it! It is a way between worlds – I’ll bet Hasdruban and the Witch have a bunch of these saved up and are travelling back and forth! It explains a lot, actually.’

  ‘But how do you know where you’re going to end up?’ said Sooz.

  ‘Good question,’ said Dirk, but he was suddenly interrupted by a strange wailing, like some kind of animal braying in pain. The three of them stared in astonishment, for the White Witch had made that noise. She never made a sound, normally. But this time she’d been scratched badly on the shoulder.

  ‘Should we use the Hole?’ said Chris.

  ‘No, no, I think the White Witch dropped it on purpose,’ said Dirk.

  Just then the Black Hag began to cackle, like a faerie tale witch, a high-pitched, horrible, hideous cackling. In fact, she was cackling so much she had to stop and catch her breath. The White Witch turned to look at Dirk. She saw that he’d unfurled the Hole, and she gave him a wan smile.

  ‘But why?’ said Sooz, as the White Witch began to back away to the Hole.

  ‘I think she’s going to try and get the Black Hag to step through it,’ said Dirk.

  ‘Really? She’s going to save you?’ said Chris.

  ‘Yup. She’s finally seen the light. Or should I say the dark?’

  Sooz frowned. ‘Are you sure? I mean, really sure?’

  ‘Nope, not entirely. But I think we’re about to find out!’

  The White Witch was only inches from the Hole. Suddenly, she jumped forward, and wrapped her arms around the Black Hag, who gasped in surprise.

  ‘You fool,’ rasped the Hag, ‘I have you now!’

  The White Witch picked her up, and turned, just as the Black Hag raked her talons down her back, leaving long bloody scratches. The White Witch moaned in agony, but now she had the Hag over the Hole.

  The Hag looked down. ‘No!’ she said, as the White Witch let go. The Black Hag fell into the blackness.

  ‘The Caverns of Grief!’ shrieked the Black Hag at the last moment, and then suddenly she was gone.

  ‘Of course – that’s how you get to where you want to go!’ said Dirk, ‘You have to shout out your destination.’

  Dirk turned to the White Witch. ‘Pretty cool Magic Hole. But expensive, really expensive – Hasdruban must have pulled out all the stops to get me, eh?’

  The White Witch nodded.And sank to her knees. Her skin, usually pale and almost translucent, was blotchy and pink. Black lines began to trace their way across her face. She was dying.

  The Magic Hole began to shimmer and ripple, and then suddenly it winked out of existence with a black flash.

  ‘But why?’ said Dirk. ‘Why sacrifice yourself for me?’

  She pointed at Chris and Sooz, as if to say, ‘Typical, it’s not just you.’ Then she sank back on to the grass, breathing hoarsely. She reached into a pocket and handed Dirk a black card, covered in white writing.

  Can the Dark Lord be forgiven? Can he be redeemed? Perhaps. But his friends are innocent and a boy can be redeemed. Nor could I stand by whilst a boy – a strange boy, yes, but a boy nevertheless – is murdered foully by the Black Hag. Hasdruban has been blinded by his lust for justice, he has become that which he seeks to destroy. So I have made my choice and I die, but I am still of the light, I am still a White Witch, I am uncorrupted, I am pure, I have done my duty.

  ‘Wow,’ said Dirk, ‘that’s one hell of a speech for you, Dumpsy Deary!’ The White Witch smiled wanly up at Dirk, her skin beginning to go black with poison. He handed the note to Sooz, who read it, and handed it on to Chris.

  Sooz looked down at the Witch. ‘We can’t let her die,’ she said.

  Dirk nodded, and he reached for the small bottle in his pocket. Dirk leaned over the Witch. She looked up at him with her pale, grey eyes, the light in them slowly fading. Dirk poured the contents into her mouth.

  ‘Antidote, Miss Deary,’ he said, ‘to the Malefic Taint – you’re going to live!’

  The White Witch’s eyes widened in surprise.

  ‘Nobody kills the Dark Lord’s nanny, nobody!’ said Dirk loudly.

  The White Witch lay on her back, gasping for air. Dirk had administered the medicine, but was it going to work? Sure, the White Witch was resistant to the Malefic Taint but she’d taken a massive dose of venom, and Dirk hadn’t been able to test the antidote properly.

  Sooz reached forward, and held the Witch’s hand. Slowly, ever so slowly, the Witch’s breathing began to steady. The black lines began to fade and her skin slowly returned to normal.

  After a while, the White Witch sat up, looking up at Dirk. She smiled at him. An unexpected turn of events, thought Dirk to himself.

  ‘Well, what now then?’ he said. The Witch drew out her black paper and her white pen and began scribbling furiously.

  I shall return home and get well. Never will I serve Hasdruban again. I have two Magic Holes left; one I will use, the other I gift to you. Use it wisely. Remember this: the tears of the Lady Grieve, when consumed, fill the drinker’s heart with Empathy. Those who hate will understand the minds of their enemies and see them in a new light. Perhaps if you can get a tear and trick Hasdruban into drinking it, he will see you for what you truly are and finally, after all these years, the Light and the Dark, the Black and the White, can have Peace.

  Dirk read her note, and passed it on to Sooz. The Witch stood up.

  ‘That’d be great!’ said Sooz. ‘Peace between the Darklands and the Commonwealth, between Goblins and humans. It’s everything I was working for when I was the Dark Queen.’

  The White Witch put a hand to Sooz’s face, as if to say, ‘I know, I understand now.’

  Sooz smiled back at her. ‘We have to do it, Dirk, we have to try!’ she said.

  ‘All very well, but to get a tear…we’d have to travel to the Caverns of Grief, defeat the Black Hag in her den, on her own territory!’ said Dirk.

  The White Witch nodded and scribbled another note.

  Nobody said it was going to be easy.

  Dirk read it, and passed the note to Sooz. She laughed and passed it on to Chris. Chris didn’t bother to read it – he just threw it on to the floor, annoyed that he was the last in line as usual.

  No one noticed.

  The White Witch handed Dirk a rolled-up Hole, and unfurled the other. She turned to Dirk, and held out a hand. Dirk shook it. The Witch nodded at Sooz and Christopher, pulled out what looked like an iPhone and then stepped on to the Hole, pressing a button on the phone as she did so.

  A mechanical voice spoke from the phone. ‘The Lair of the White Witch,’ it said. She sank into the Hole and was gone.

  November 29th, 2013 Rip-out-their-hearts 29th

  What a night! Still, I have some time before bed to work up another newsletter. Amazingly, I’ve had some real letters from some of my readers!

  Issue three of the Dark Times available now!

  ‘Why is the Dark Lord always the bad guy? It’s just not fair.’

  Dirk
Lloyd

  TODAY’S HORRORSCOPE

  Scorpio Deathsting – You are one day older. This will continue, until eventually you will get even older, and older and then die, probably of old age.

  Cancer Nastynip – Today, a race of super powerful mutant ants will rise up and carry you off and feed you to their Queen. Possibly. Come to think of it, maybe not.

  Pisces Stinkyfish – Stuff will happen to you. Some of it will be good, some of it will be bad. Maybe even really good. Or really bad. Amazing, eh?

  Virgo Good-for-sacrifices – Today you will read something called the Dark Times. It’s true, isn’t it? See, how good am I?

  Taurus Bullocks – Today you will be abducted by aliens. You will wake up on their ship to find out all the aliens are dead, leaving you in charge of the space ship, trapped on the wrong side of the galaxy with only a damaged computer as a companion. How will you get home? Watch out for stowaways…

  LETTERS WITH THE AUNT OF AGONY

  Dear Aunt of Agony,

  Grotty Grout put me in detention because my dog ate my homework and he didn’t

  believe me! What can I do?

  Rebecca Hern

  Dear Rebecca,

  Your options are:

  1: Give your dog a massive dose of laxative, get the homework and hand it in.

  2: Offer to put your dog in detention instead of you.

  3: Put Grotty Grout in a huge cauldron, cook him up and feed him to your dog.

  4: Suck it up and do the detention.

  Yours Sneeringly,

  The Aunt of Agony

  PS I don’t believe you either.

  Dear Aunt of Agony,

  Recently I was bitten by a strange glowing spider and now I seem to have developed spider-like abilities. I have grown several new eyes, and can spit super hard silk webbing, climb up walls and ceilings, jump huge distances and so on.