Can't Go Back

by Marie Meyer

  He clipped my shoulder with a fake punch and smiled, picking up a water bottle of his own. “Go get your girl.”

  Tossing my empty bottle into the recycling bin, I blew out a large breath and headed back toward the stage.

  Walking out there alone felt strange. I was exposed and vulnerable. The crowd watched me mount the lonesome stool like a pack of wolves eager to devour me. Just as during the sound check, a single spotlight was my only shield from the mass of people waiting for me to entertain them.

  I squinted, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jillian, but I couldn’t see anything. “We’re going to slow it down a bit,” I breathed into the mic.

  “I love you, Griffin!”

  The words came from the dark recesses of the hall, somewhere on my left. I knew instantly it hadn’t been Jillian. But I’d learned how to seduce a crowd—especially a crowd of females. Fans who loved you bought more albums.

  In my practiced bedroom voice, I answered my enamored fan, “Well, I love you, too.”

  The rasp in my voice elicited whistles and catcalls. Of the hundreds showing me their appreciation, I only cared about one.

  I adjusted my stool and pulled my guitar over my shoulder. “This song is our brand-new single, debuting tonight. It’s called ‘About Time.’” I strummed a few chords, making minor adjustments to the tuning knobs until the strings fell into the right key. The crowd bellowed in anticipation. I loved teasing them.

  I took a deep breath, strummed the chords, and looked up, pressing my lips to the mic.

  Once upon a time I pushed you away

  Looked into your heart and begged you to stay

  I sang of words I couldn’t speak

  You tried to taste them, but I was too weak

  I closed my eyes, picturing Jillian as I bared my soul to the hundreds of people in the room. She’d always been my inspiration…my muse.

  And it’s about time I bury the lie

  Speak the words and let them fly

  Grab hold and pull you close

  It’s always been you I needed the most

  Pulled in every direction, but never near you

  I thought this would be easy, it’s time I got a clue.

  My words run dry, my song unsung

  My actions a lie, and I know they stung

  The words on my lips…this song was hers. And I prayed she heard it.

  I’ll fight like hell, and make up for the past

  A kiss to break the lie, I want to make this last

  Taste the words on my lips

  It’s about time I let the truth slip.

  And it’s about time I bury the lie

  Speak the words and let them fly

  Grab hold and pull you close

  It’s always been you I needed the most

  It’s always been you I needed the most

  I stroked the last chord until it melted into the back row of the hall and disappeared. The crowd remained still and quiet. No one dared make a sound. Do they hate it? Why aren’t they moving?

  In the dead center of the hall, a taxi whistle pierced the awkward silence. I knew it was her. I could feel her.

  Then half a beat passed before the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Torrents of screams and whistles flooded the stage. I stood from the stool and bowed. I pointed straight out into the mass of people, knowing Jillian was dead ahead. The connection we had was stronger than ever.

  She’d heard me.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Happy New Year, St. Louis!” I shouted before running offstage with the rest of the guys. The crowd went insane. Backstage I handed my bass over to Dan, part of our road crew and a good friend.

  “You guys fucking rocked,” he said, filling my hand with a bottle of water.

  I uncapped that bad boy and drank heavily before accepting his compliment. “Thanks, man.” I still hadn’t caught my breath.

  I ran the towel over my face and neck, drying off. I was a mess, covered in sweat. I needed a damn shower, but that would have to wait. The urge to find Jillian trumped everything else.

  My eyes scoured the assembly backstage, desperate to find her. And when I did, my mouth would be on hers before she had a chance to say a word.

  “Griffin!”

  I heard my name. I searched harder, trying to pinpoint her location.

  “Griffin.” The voice called again, but this time it was different…closer.

  Turning around, I saw Erin pushing through the crowd.

  I smiled. “Hey, Peach.”

  She opened her arms and stepped closer, wrapping me in a hug. “You ever going to stop calling me that?” she asked, her Southern drawl melting over the words like syrup.

  I pulled away, resting my hands on her shoulders. “Never.”

  She shook her head, a dubious smile at her lips. “You were fabulous.”

  I ran the towel over my head a few times, uncomfortable with all the kudos. “Thanks. I’m glad you made it tonight, friend.” I tapped her lightly on the shoulder with my fist.

  “No way in hell I would have missed this. Not too often I get to use the line, ‘I’m with the band.’ But don’t be getting a big head now, thinking I’m going to turn into some groupie and follow you around the country.”

  “You’ll always have an in with me.” I winked at her, and then did another quick scan of the room. Where the hell is Jillian? I looked back to Erin. “You haven’t seen Jillian, have you?”

  She looked around, too. “No, I haven’t.”

  “I’m sorry, but I need to find her.” I hugged her one last time and kissed her cheek. “Thanks for being here, Erin. I appreciate it.”

  “My pleasure.”

  Leaving Erin standing just off the stage, I darted down the stairs, my anxiety growing with each passing second. Thoughts of Ren flooded my mind…the night she’d been slipped a roofie at a frat party.

  What if someone fucked with Jillian’s drink? Shit. Bile rose in my throat. I rounded the corner, coming up to the side door that led to the back alley. I punched the wall, my worry and anger taking over. I’d known it was bad idea to let her watch the concert from out there.

  Ripping my phone out of my back pocket, I tapped her name on my contacts list. “Jillian, pick up the phone,” I growled over the ringing.

  No answer.

  “God damn it!” I tapped her name again.

  “Hi, it’s Jillian. Leave a message.”

  “Fuck!” I screamed. “Jillian. Where are you?” I said to her voice mail. “Call me as soon as you get this message.” I ended the call and switched tactics, opening the message app.

  Jillian! Where are you? I’m losing my shit here. Are you ok? Call or text back ASAP!

  I sent another one, not even giving her time to respond. 9-1-1! Jillian call or text now!

  I ran back toward the stage, maybe she was with one of the guys.

  “Thor,” I shouted, coming back into the crowded room. Thor was across the room. Since I towered over most people, I waved both hands above my head to get his attention. “Yo, Thor!”

  He looked up and pushed through the crowd, coming in my direction. “What’s up, man?”

  “Have you seen Jillian?”

  He thought about it for a second and shook his head, his face screwing up. “Can’t say that I have.”

  “I can’t find her and she’s not answering her phone.” I raked a hand through my hair, scanning the crowd again. She wasn’t here.

  * * *

  Once Thor had convinced me to settle down and get my head on straight, I put a call in to Jennifer. It was a long shot, but maybe her sister knew where she was.

  After I had called four times with no answer, my patience wore thin. The only thing that kept me from sending my phone across the room was the off chance that Jillian might need to get ahold of me.

  “Hello?” Jennifer answered.

  Relief shot through me. “Jennifer, it’s Griffin. Is Jillian there?”

  “I’m sure you’re aware of
the hour?”

  I gritted my teeth to keep from spewing the names I wanted to call her. “Well aware. Have you seen Jillian?”

  “Wasn’t she supposed to be out with you tonight?” she asked smugly. Her haughtiness boiled my blood.

  “She was, but we got separated at the concert. She won’t answer her phone. Did she come home?” I raised my voice, fed up with her games.

  “Hmmm…” She paused for a beat. “Seems to me Jillian’s resolving to keep better company this year.”

  “Jennifer,” I barked. “Don’t fuck with me.” She gasped, surprised by my tone and word choice. “Where is your sister?”

  “I heard her come in a few minutes ago.”

  And then the line went dead.

  “Well?” Thor asked. He leaned casually against the wall to my left, arms folded across his chest.

  “She’s home,” I breathed. My reply was more of a reassurance to me than an answer for him.

  “Is she OK?”

  I shook my head, the fight in me gone. “It’s over, dude.” I rubbed my face and blew out a breath as I stood. “I guess it is true what they say…” I looked him in the eye. “You can’t go back.” I stepped past him to walk away.

  “Go back to what, man?”

  I kept walking.

  “Hey.” Thor grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to turn around. “What do you want to go back to? Being her friend? What do you want?” he asked again.

  I wanted her. She pumped through my veins like a bass line…she was a part of me, the beat that kept my blood flowing. Our lives were so intricately woven, I didn’t know where I ended and she began.

  “You love her?”

  I nodded.

  “Then you’re goddamn right, you can’t go back.”

  “I fucked up, Thor. It really is too late. And now we can’t even go back to being friends. I’ve ruined that, too. I laid it all out there tonight”—I gestured to the stage—“and she ran the fuck away.”

  “I’ve never known Griffin Daniels to back away from anything.” He swung his arm around my shoulder. “Let’s get the hell out of here. I’m beat. Text Jillian good night, because tomorrow you’re going to show that girl she’s more than a goddamned friend.”

  Following Thor’s advice, I sent Jillian a text. Hey Bean, what happened tonight? You scared the shit out of me when you didn’t come backstage. For once, your sister was marginally helpful. She told me you made it home. Whatever’s wrong right now, it will be better in the morning. I fucking promise. It’s a new year, Bean. Time to shake things up.

  * * *

  I pushed her door open and tiptoed over to the bed. She lay on her stomach, her blond-and-red-streaked hair fanned out, hiding her face. The natural yellow of her hair blended with the dull red she’d added, created a sunset on her pillow. Her warmth and vibrancy always conjured images of the sun. She was my sun…the center of my universe.

  She looked peaceful.

  I bent down and lightly pressed my lips to her ear. “Bean…,” I whispered.

  She lifted her arm, swiping it over her ear.

  A laugh caught in my throat. “Jillibean,” I sang. “Time to wakey-wakey.”

  “Ugh…” Pulling the blanket over her head, she rolled away from me. “No,” she growled.

  I was getting really tired of her running (or rolling, as the case may be) away from me. Shoving her over a bit, I climbed into bed beside her. I purposefully dropped my arm around her waist, and squeezed her close to my body. I’d like to see her get away now.

  “You awake?” I asked.

  She jerked her head a few times. I’d take that as a yes.

  “You gonna talk to me?”

  This time it was a definite shake. A no.

  “OK, then.” I kicked off my boots, pulled the comforter from under her perfect little ass, and threw it over my legs. “Might as well make myself comfortable, then.” I snuggled down into her blanket. The light, sweet scent of her perfume clung to the blanket, and I pulled it tighter around me, clinging to her for dear life.

  She let me hold her. I didn’t speak, fearing she’d get spooked again. I let the quiet seal us together.

  Minutes of the New Year ticked by, but it didn’t matter, Jillian was in my arms. I listened to her breaths…in…out…in…out…My fingers trailed up her arm, testing the waters. Would she let me touch her like this? Did she want me to touch her like this?

  I smoothed my fingers over her tangled hair. “Red, huh? I like it.” My fingers plucked a dark-red strip from the bunch. “I bet there was no shortage of guys trying to get with you last night.”

  With her back pressed along the length of my body, she still opted for gestures instead of words. She shook her head no.

  “Please, Bean. Talk to me. I’ve tried reaching you all day. You probably have fifty text messages from me by now.”

  Working her body around, she finally faced me. The space between our noses probably measured just over two inches. My eyes touched every part of her face. Even with tearstains and runny makeup, she looked like an angel.

  The need too great, I moved my hand up her arm, touching her shoulder lightly as I worked my way to the sensitive skin of her neck. I couldn’t stop, the growing pink flush in her cheeks begged to be touched.

  My thumb circled over the warmest part of her cheek. Even my bass-callused fingers felt the heat rising from her skin. I craved that warmth, imagining how the rest of her incendiary body would have felt crushed against mine.

  She wormed her hand through the blanket, bringing it up between us, and stilled my thumb with her dainty fingers.

  I held her stare.

  Her dark-chocolate eyes were rimmed with red, remnants of mascara blackened tears that had streamed down her cheeks. Passion and want bled from my eyes. When I looked at her, I wanted her to feel it…like the most intricately played music…music you can feel in your bones.

  She moved her hand from mine, then to my chin…over my cheeks. The stubble on my face prickled beneath her scorching touch. Heaven.

  She moved closer.

  Then her lips touched mine and she froze.

  No going back. No retreating. I grabbed her shoulders, spun her around, and pinned her tiny body beneath mine, devouring her with the kiss I should have given her months ago.

  Our bodies lined up perfectly, and the feel of her beneath me took my breath away…literally. My body took stock of every curve she owned. My hands yearned to roam the landscape of her body. I wanted to memorize every inch of her. Starting with the crown of her head, my fingers slipped through her hair, down her neck…her shoulders…her sides. I needed to be closer, to feel her skin on mine.

  Resting my fingers at the bottom of her tank top, I gave it a little flick and slipped beneath the hem. She responded to my touch, arching her back, begging to be held. I planted tiny kisses up and down the side of her neck. I tasted her skin on my lips and tongue—salty and sweet, while my ears soaked up the breathy moans that fell from her mouth.

  Our friendship burst into flames of passion. She was my undoing.

  Her teeth grazed my lower lip, pulling it into her mouth, and I nearly lost it. A groan rumbled in my chest. I deepened the kiss, opening my mouth wider. My tongue met hers, twisting and tasting, making up for lost time.

  This was new territory. I’d never touched Jillian like this, but it felt right…so right. Each touch, every kiss, our bodies knew how to please each other.

  The tips of my fingers skimmed along her waist, trailing up her rib cage as I kissed the delicate skin below her ear. She fit perfectly into my hands and I wanted nothing more than to keep her there forever. My fingers played over her soft, warm, splendid skin, coaxing a sensual melody of groans from her lips. Recapturing her mouth with mine, I tasted her song. Jillian returned my kiss with unrestrained passion. Everything in this moment was perfect. I’d promise her the world, give her forever, and never look back…if she’d let me.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Jillian res
ted her head on my arm, and I seized the opportunity to touch her, smoothing away the loose strands of hair that covered her lightly freckled cheeks. “It’s about fucking time,” I whispered in her ear. “I could kiss you forever.”

  “Promise?” She smiled, her eyes shining like polished onyx.

  “Forever.” I folded my arm, drawing her to my side, determined to show her exactly what forever would be like.

  I was on fire. Jillian’s touch was like a sparkler on the Fourth of July, my skin bathed in sparks…heat…light. My lungs burned, yet I refused to pull away.

  When our bodies demanded air, I growled my displeasure, collapsing beside her. She sidled up next to me, and I pulled her close, staring into her eyes. God, I love her.

  “What’s this?” she asked, brushing her fingers from the outer corner of my eye to my temple.

  I played with a few strands of her red hair, running them through my fingers. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re sad about something. I can see it right here.” With a light pressure, she ran the pad of her thumb over the thin skin.

  I closed my eyes, drunk from her touch. “You know me so well,” I whispered.

  Her hands moved to my forehead, and I opened my eyes to see another question on her face. “What’s the matter?”

  “Did you hear my song last night?” I asked.

  “Yes.” She nodded.

  “I wrote that for you.” I looked her in the eyes, unblinking. “And you ran away.”

  “Griff,” she said, running her fingers over my cheek and through my hair. I never wanted her to stop.

  “No, Jillian, wait. I need to say this.” I sat up on the bed and crossed my legs. Jillian did the same, mirroring my body. “I’ve waited a lifetime to say so much to you that I don’t know where to start. Last year, when you kissed me, it scared the hell out of me. I freaked and pushed you away, because I didn’t know what else to do.”

  So many long-forgotten thoughts and emotions surfaced at once. They tripped and stumbled over one another, each vying for its chance to spew from my mouth. My brain and heart weren’t in sync, and I felt like a bumbling idiot. “When we were kids, you were my best friend. Because I was older, I felt like your protector. I loved that.” I reached across and grabbed her hands. If I was going to bare my soul, I needed to be anchored to her. “Do you remember when we got caught drawing fake tattoos on each other’s arms?”