Can't Go Back

by Marie Meyer

  Dear sweet Jesus! I moaned, guiding her body in a maddening rhythm with my hands and mouth. I was so fucking hard. No! I have to stop this. If I have her now, I won’t be able to let her go.

  Reluctantly I took my hands off her ass and put them somewhere safer…maybe. Her neck seemed relatively safe. I lightened my lips, withdrew my tongue, and placed several tiny kisses on her mouth before pulling away.

  She opened her eyes, looking a little drunk. “Something wrong?” she teased, knowing she’d nearly sent me over the edge with her little shimmy. Seeing her breathless and wanting didn’t help matters.

  My heart thumped against my rib cage. I pushed her hair behind her ears, and answered in that low, deep voice I use during concerts. I knew it drove women crazy. “Oh, trust me,” I smiled wickedly. “Nothing’s wrong.” I placed my hands on the sides of her face and kissed her lightly, one more time. “Promise me something?” I asked.

  She sat up and faced me, pulling her legs into a yoga pose that resembled a pretzel. My eyes were glued to her legs. Fantasies involving those legs twisting around my body flashed through my head.

  “Anything,” she replied, snapping me out of my arousing daydream.

  “That you’ll wake me up like that every morning.”

  She opened her legs and scooted onto my lap, straddling me. I was certain she felt my erection pressing right against her sweet spot. She rotated her hips and whispered against my lips, “I’ll do better than that.” A sinful grin spread across her face.

  Fuck me! Now! Please!

  A growl ripped from my chest. What a little vixen, teasing me like that. With my hands behind her head, I pulled her back down, and thrust my tongue back into her mouth before rolling on top of her. Then I stood up abruptly, leaving her panting on the bed. Two can play at that game, sweetheart.

  My chest heaved. I couldn’t catch my breath. Seeing her sprawled out and wanting me was too much. “I’ve got a cold shower I need to take,” I said, breathlessly. “Go get your stuff from Jennifer’s house, and get your ass back here. I don’t want you making most of that trip in the dark.” I offered my hand and she grabbed on. In one swift motion I yanked her to her feet, our chests pressed together.

  “All right,” she groaned.

  Stepping around me, she stomped to the corner of the room and retrieved her purse from the floor. I followed behind her, opening the door.

  Once we were downstairs, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her back to my chest. I traced feather-light kisses from her shoulder all the way up her neck. I blew a breath across her ear, then nipped at her lobe before I whispered, “Bye, Bean.” I felt her body shiver. “See you soon.”

  She turned in my arms, facing me. Desire lit up her face. “See you soon,” she said quietly.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  I watched Jillian get into her car, and then I shut the door. That cold shower was calling my name, but first I had to do something with all the pent-up energy coursing through my veins.

  I ran up the stairs, taking them three at a time, before bounding into my room. The air smelled different…feminine. I took a big whiff and closed my eyes, allowing Jillian’s lingering scent to fill my lungs. I let out a big sigh, content, and turned on as hell.

  With my foot I began sifting through the clothes scattered on my floor until I found my favorite pair of gym shorts. Putting them on, I got comfortable on the floor and cleared a spot where I could pound out some push-ups.

  Stretching out, I supported my weight in my hands, keeping my back straight and parallel to the ground. I began, pumping my arms up and down, fast and purposeful. I breathed in…and out. Sweat beaded on my forehead first. My biceps burned, but I kept going. I pictured Jillian lying beneath me, rewarding me with a kiss every time I came down. That was something we’d definitely have to try. “Forty…six,” I grunted, pushing back up.

  I welcomed the fatigue in my arms and chest. It felt good to expend some of the energy Jillian had fueled inside me. The exercise leveled my head.

  When I hit fifty, I mixed things up a bit. I counted out twenty push-ups on my right arm, resting my left hand at the small of my back. My muscles shook with each ascent and decent, but I kept going, switching arms when I began a new set.

  “Seventy-two. Seventy-three. Seventy-four,” I counted aloud, thinking back to yesterday, when Jillian had said she’d move in with me when she came home for the summer. This spurred me on even more. I’d asked Jillian to live with me dozens of times, before Thor and I became roommates. But she’d turned me down each time, spouting some bullshit about not wanting to get in my way. As if she could. I often wondered if we would have ended up together sooner, had she given in.

  But that didn’t matter know. We were together and there was no way in hell I’d ever let anything come between us again.

  With my last ten, I put my feet against the wall, focusing on my abs and chest wall. “Ninety-three…ninety-four…ninety-five…”

  One hundred. Dripping with sweat, I dropped my legs and stood. I bounced on the balls of my feet and stretched my arms across my chest. I was breathing heavily, but relaxed.

  Still stretching, I walked into the hall and pulled a towel from the closet, ready to hit the shower before Jillian returned.

  * * *

  I threw on a pair of black jeans and an old Beatles t-shirt and pulled my boots on before heading downstairs. I hadn’t heard from Thor all morning, either he and Harper were holed up in his room or he was at her place. Didn’t matter, though, we did our best to stay out of each other’s way when there was company over.

  Heading downstairs and into the living room, I snagged my six-string from behind the couch and started plunking out some different chords. My low E was way out of tune. I jacked around with the tuning pegs until the sound suited me, low and resonant.

  Outside, a car pulled up. Setting the guitar aside, I peeked out the window. Jillian shut the engine off and climbed out, her body hidden beneath a bulky coat and scarf.

  I pulled the front door open and watched as she made her way up my walk. When she was within my reach, I pulled her through the door, my mouth landing on hers before she could speak. I kicked the door shut and pushed my tongue into her mouth. My fingers made quick work of her zipper. With my lips still moving on hers, I yanked her scarf free and pushed her coat to the floor, snaking my arms around her.

  Now that her skin was free from the bulk of her coat, I had access to her jaw and neck. A desperate need to taste more of her compelled me across the corner of her lips, to her jaw, and onto her exquisite neck. I was hungry for her. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to greet you like that?” My tongue teased, tasting. She tilted her neck, giving me more room to play.

  “I can imagine,” she whispered. “Is Thor here?”

  “No. I haven’t seen him,” I said against her neck. I could feel her pulse quicken against my mouth. “Why?” It seemed odd that she’d be thinking about Thor while my tongue licked across her skin. I took her hands in mine, lacing our fingers together, and looked her in the eye, giving her my most wicked smile.

  She shook her head and cringed. “I don’t know…it would just be awkward if he walked in and saw us all over each other.”

  I laughed. “I’ve seen him all over plenty of girls. Payback’s a bitch.” Then I recaptured her mouth.

  She pulled away and smacked my arm. “Watch it, Daniels. I’m not just any girl.”

  “Damn straight you’re not.” I said, all joking aside. I brushed the sides of her thick, long hair behind her ears. I was burning for this girl. I crashed my lips onto hers again, making sure she could taste me on her lips until May.

  “I’ve really got to go, Griff,” she said against my mouth.

  I growled. “Damn it.” I pulled away, but only fractionally. “I hate that you have to make the trip alone. Anything could happen.” Her safety was always my first priority. I wasn’t comfortable with or used to my strong, independent College Jillian. But I had
to let her go.

  She brought her forehead to mine, her eyes warm and sparkling. “I’ll be all right,” she reassured me.

  “I know, but I still worry.” I sulked.

  “I’ll check in every hour. It’s too late for me to drive straight through, so I’ll get a room.”

  I relaxed a bit, enjoying the gentle stroke of her fingers against my rough face. “That makes me feel a little better.” I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame, trying to put off the inevitable as long as possible.

  With her head against my heart, she kissed me through my thin shirt…right where I carried her.

  I walked her to the car and kissed her deeply, one more time. She climbed in and started the car, pressing her palm to the window. I put mine on the window, too. She blew a few kisses, and I did the same. It hurt watching her leave. With each passing mile, I felt her absence more. How many fucking days until May?

  Chapter Thirty

  That’s a wrap, boys,” the director shouted. “We’ll get this over to post. It’ll be ready before you head out on tour.”

  I let my bass hang around my neck and bumped fists with Thor. Our first official music video was in the bag. We’d filmed it all over the city, despite the arctic temperatures. Today we were lucky enough to have shot indoors, the haunted Lemp Mansion being our final stop.

  I took in the burnt-orange walls and ornate chairs that lined the hallway. I didn’t go for all the hype when it came to haunted houses, but there was definitely an eerie quality to a house that had witnessed multiple suicides.

  “Strange place,” I said, shaking off the cold that emanated from the walls.

  “Yeah,” Pauly added. “When I was little, my pop brought me here when it was one of his weekends. Said it’d put hair on my chest if I made it through the night in the attic room.”

  We all looked up.

  “Must’ve been fucking terrifying, dude. You’re a damn hairy beast,” Thor said.

  “Yeah, it was.” Pauly scoffed and pounded his chest. “I was a six-year-old sporting a rug on my chest.”

  We laughed.

  “I’m hungry. Let’s get our shit packed up and get some chow,” Adam suggested.

  “Dude, you’re always hungry.” I waved him off and lifted my bass strap over my head. Bending over, I carefully laid it into the gig bag, and my phone buzzed in my pocket.

  Slipping a hand into my back pocket, I pulled it free. It was a New York call. Not a number I recognized. I slid my thumb over the lock and answered, thinking it was most likely Mine Shaft business of some sort. “Griffin Daniels.”

  “Hi, Griffin, it’s Sarah, Jillian’s roommate.”

  My heart stilled. Was she hurt? This wasn’t good. It felt like I’d just swallowed a ton of bricks. Something had to be wrong. Why else would she call?

  “Yeah?” I asked, warily.

  “Sorry for calling, but I got your number off of Jillian’s phone. Now, don’t think I’m like some sort of stalker or something, but—”

  “Sarah, is Jillian OK?” I asked, cutting her off.

  “Oh, yeah. She’s really good, actually.”

  I blew out the breath I’d been holding, and raked my hand through my hair. “Shit, you scared the fuck out of me. I thought something was wrong.”

  “No, silly,” she admonished playfully. “I was just planning Jillian’s birthday party. I know this is a long shot, but I wanted to surprise her and have you visit. You know, like you’d be her birthday present?”

  That idea wasn’t half bad. The wheels in my head were turning, trying to figure out a way I could swing a trip east. “Let me see what I can work out. I’ll get back with you.”

  “Awesome. Thanks, Griffin. Sorry I bothered you.”

  I shook my head. “No, thanks for calling. It’s a great idea.”

  “Talk to you soon. Bye.”

  “Yeah, bye.” I killed the call and immediately pulled up my calendar.

  Jillian’s birthday was in a week, the twenty-fourth. We had no gigs scheduled, just rehearsals. If I could get out of town on her birthday, leaving before the sun came up, I’d be able to make a late party that night. I knew flying was out of the question, she’d kill me (since her parents’ deaths were linked to airplanes, she never took to them), and it was way too cold for the bike. I’d have to see if I could borrow someone’s car.

  “Yo, Thor.” He was walking toward the exit, helping carry Adam’s drum kit to the truck. “You busy next weekend?”

  He thought for a second and nodded. “Yeah, Harper asked me to be her plus-one at her friend’s wedding.”

  “Shit.” I took one of the cymbal stands from his hands and followed him outside.

  “What’s up?”

  “I need to borrow a car. I’m trying to swing a trip east next weekend. It’s Jillian’s birthday.”

  Thor passed the stand off to a roadie in the back of the truck. “Sorry, man.” He clapped a hand on my back.

  I passed my stand over, too. “I’ll think of something.” No way was I missing Jillian’s birthday.

  * * *

  Thor’s car was a bust, but I had one other option. It would take some sweet-talking on my part to get her to agree, though. Once I got into town, I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot and shut my bike off. Stepping off, I removed my new helmet. Despite its bulkiness it looked badass. Jillian had great taste. I’d only had one requirement, it had to be black. When she’d deemed this one “sexy” I was sold. Nothing beat the smile that spread across her face as she held the helmet in her hands at the checkout counter. Even though I’d put down five hundred bones to appease her, no price was too high to see her smile like she did that day.

  I fit my helmet under my arm and hunkered down against the polar wind, beating a quick path to the door. Inside, the coffee-warmed air filled my nostrils. I pulled on the fingers of my thick gloves, freeing my hands so I could call my dearest sister.

  I went to a table and sat down, yanking my phone out of my riding jacket. I dialed Ren.

  “Hey, Bro, what’s up?” she answered.

  “You busy?”

  “Actually, no. I’m just leaving work.”

  I heard the Miata’s horn chirp in response to Ren’s hitting the key fob. “Wrong answer.”

  “Huh?” she said, confused.

  “You are busy. You’re meeting me at Starbucks. I’m already here, so hurry up.” I smacked my gloves on the table for emphasis.

  “And why am I meeting you at Starbucks?” she asked warily.

  “Do I need a reason to want to hang out with my big sister?” I laid the sugar on thick.

  “I’ll meet you, but I’m wise to your game, Daniels. You’re up to something.”

  I smiled. “Love you, Sis.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Be there in ten.”

  “Cool.”

  I disconnected the call and slipped the phone back in my pocket. Standing, I joined the short line. Glancing at the counter, I noticed the display of CDs. My eyes instantly fell to the grainy black-and-white cover art featuring Mine Shaft. I’d seen the physical CD at the studio, but not in a store. Adrenaline flooded my bloodstream and kicked my pulse into second gear. It was wild seeing all my hard work come to fruition, and it further justified my decision to put school on ice.

  I laughed inwardly. I couldn’t wipe the beatific smile off my face when the barista asked if she could take my order.

  Grinning like an idiot, I ordered a black coffee for myself and Ren’s favorite, a white-chocolate mocha with soy, no whip. I hoped that thanks to my Starbucks offering, along with a heavy dose of my little-brother charm, she wouldn’t be able to say no.

  “Your drinks will be ready down there.” The barista handed back my card and pointed to the opposite end of the counter.

  “Thanks.”

  I put my card away and slid my wallet back into the pocket of my riding jacket. Stepping down to the next counter, I waited for our drinks.

  The barista working the espresso machines glanced at t
he name on the cup and looked at me. “Griffin?” he said, setting my coffee on the counter.

  I scooped it up and removed the lid before sliding a sleeve over the hot cup. “Yeah, thanks.” I hate lids on my coffee cups. I enjoy the smell of coffee as much as the taste.

  “White-chocolate mocha too?” he asked, setting it down.

  “Yep.” I nodded, picking it up. I dropped Ren’s cup into a sleeve, too.

  “Have a good one, man,” the barista said as I walked back to my table.

  Lifting Ren’s cup in thanks, I said, “You too.”

  Setting the drinks on the table, I pulled off my jacket and one of the extra layers I’d put on to ward off the cold. I plopped into a chair and wrapped my hands around the cup. Lifting it to my mouth, I inhaled the steamy, rich scent of plain black coffee. None of that froufrou shit Jillian and Ren enjoyed.

  The door opened and Ren stepped inside. I lifted my hand, waving her over. Loosening the scarf around her neck, she joined me at the table.

  She draped her coat across the back of the chair and took up her drink. “White-chocolate mocha, soy, no whip?” Her eyebrow shot up questioningly.

  I winked. “I like the scrubs, Sis.” Ren was a maternity nurse at Anderson Hospital.

  She took a sip, her eyes glancing downward. “What? You don’t like Dora the Explorer?” Taking another swallow, she sighed. “Ahh, that’s good. Heaven in a cup.” Relaxing into her chair, she cradled her coffee and smirked. “So, when do you want the car?” she asked.

  I screwed up my face. “What?” How does she know?

  “Cut the shit, Griffin.” She smiled, pressing her lips to her coffee. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’re planning a trip to see Jillian. Her birthday is next week.”

  I sat back and stretched my legs out, propping one boot on top of the other. An impish grin consumed my face. “Whaddaya say?”

  She groaned. “When do you leave?”