Can't Go Back

by Marie Meyer

  I leaned into the next curve and came across a family of deer in the road. As I approached, I expected the lights from my bike to spur them to one side or the other, but as I got closer they showed no signs of moving.

  With less than fifteen feet separating me and them, I slowed, coming to a stop. I dropped my feet to the wet asphalt. The expression “like a deer in the headlights” finally made sense. Eight eyes stared fearfully at the grumbling machine between my legs.

  I lifted the face shield of my helmet and yelled, “Move it! Go on. Get!” They didn’t move.

  Shit.

  I stretched my head up to the sky, rain pelting the patch of skin my shield usually covered. I blinked rain out of my eyes and flipped the mask back down. Inching forward, I revved the engine, thinking it would startle them.

  Nothing.

  I was so close now, the female’s head was within my reach.

  The rain sped up and the deer slowly came out of their stupor. But then all four turned their heads away from me, in the other direction. A loud screech sounded out of nowhere and headlights came barreling toward me.

  For the deer, I wasn’t the most dangerous encounter—that was the car all five of us were about to be hit by.

  I hopped back on my bike and revved the throttle. My back tire fishtailed on the slick road and struggled to find traction. “Fuck!”

  My muffled expletive was enough to send the deer scampering out of the road, but I was stuck and the oncoming car approached fast.

  I struggled to right my bike, but the rain wouldn’t allow it. Before the speeding car slammed into me…before I had a chance to come to terms with the fact that I was about to die…time froze. I was a deer in the headlights. In my mind’s eye the car slowed down, Matrix-style.

  Then I was airborne.

  Before my eyes closed, Jillian’s smile flashed in my head, then shattered into a million pieces.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Locked inside my own head, I couldn’t escape. Memories kept me company. Music filled the lulls. And then there was Jillian.

  When the memories and music quieted, I could hear her. I listened to her beg and cry, over and over again.

  Why couldn’t I wake up? I wanted to.

  We’d just found each other. Our song wasn’t supposed to end like this.

  Wake up, Griffin.

  I’m trying.

  I love you, Griffin.

  I love you, too, Bean.

  You’ve never broken a promise to me, Griffin.

  I know.

  Don’t you dare start now.

  I’m sorry, Jillian.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Two months later…

  Smoothing my left hand up and down the fret board, I hugged my guitar close. Closing my eyes, I positioned my fingers for a simple G chord. Third fret, sixth string…second fret, fifth string…third fret, first string. It was all up there, my brain retained every ounce of music theory I’d learned over the years.

  I depressed the strings with my once-nimble fingers and strummed with my right hand. The chord bellowed, awkward and unsteady. I tried again, achieving the same result.

  Come on, Daniels. This is the easy shit. I shook out my hands and placed them back on the frets, opting for a C chord this time.

  I strummed and the chord wobbled.

  “Shit.” I tossed my guitar to the opposite end of the couch and sat back with a huff. Frustration coiled in my muscles. Why couldn’t I get these simple fucking chords? My brain knew what to do, why wouldn’t my fingers cooperate?

  For weeks I’d heard the same goddamned advice: Give it time. Brain injuries weren’t like broken bones. There was no cast to wrap around my head to make my brain transfer data to my fingers any better.

  Countless doctors and therapists had applauded my recovery, saying how lucky I was to have no serious permanent damage. None of my motor faculties had been affected, save one. I couldn’t play like I used to. But my medical team remained confident that I’d continue to improve. Their favorite line was Give it time.

  I blew out another breath and glanced at the ceiling, hearing dull thuds coming from upstairs. What was Jillian doing up there?

  Curiosity got the better of me. I pushed off the couch to join her upstairs just as my phone buzzed on the glass coffee table. Reaching down, I scooped it up. My doctor’s name flashed across the screen. What did he want? Had I forgotten an appointment?

  I swiped my finger across the screen. “Dr. Adler?”

  “Hello, Griffin. How are you today?” he asked jovially.

  Instinctively I ran my hand over the right side of my head, where a small hole had been drilled into my skull. “Feeling good. Thanks.”

  “Good. Glad to hear it. No headaches? Dizziness? Blurred vision?”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Haven’t had a headache in two weeks or so.”

  “Wonderful. I was just in the office making some follow-up calls, wanted to check in.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate that. Feel like my old self. Still working on playing, though. The dexterity in my fingers isn’t like it used to be.” I tapped my big toe against the leg of the coffee table while I lamented my shitty guitar playing.

  “Oh, give it time.”

  Of course.

  “It’s only been a couple months,” Dr. Adler continued.

  “Sure thing, Doc.”

  “Any other concerns?”

  I shook my head. “No, not really.”

  “Good. As long as you continue feeling all right, you can head back to work, to the gym, whatever you did before the accident.”

  A jolt of excitement went through me. I’d been holed up in the apartment, bored stiff. Freedom sounded incredible. “Really?”

  “Yes. But with an increase in activity, it is possible you could experience some negative side effects. If the headaches return, or you start to feel worse, call me immediately.”

  “Absolutely. Thank you, Dr. Adler.” I smiled. More pounding came from upstairs. I looked upward, excited to tell Jillian my news.

  “But Griffin—”

  I started for the kitchen on my way to the bedroom. “Yeah?”

  “No driving. Not for four more months.”

  I gritted my teeth together and scowled. Damn it. “All right.”

  “Call if you need anything.”

  “I will. Thanks, Doc.”

  “Take care, Griffin.”

  The line went dead.

  Tossing my phone on the table, I ran up the stairs, taking them three at a time. With my bed rest lifted, I knew exactly how I wanted to celebrate.

  In the bedroom Jillian stood near the dresser, admiring the pictures she’d placed there. She hadn’t noticed me coming up the stairs. Standing in the hallway, I crossed my arms and watched a smile bloom across her face. I fell more in love with her. I could write a million songs about that smile and it still wouldn’t be enough.

  I stepped into our room just as she backed up, bumping into me. She looked over her shoulder and mumbled, “Sorry.”

  Not wasting a minute, I slid my hands over her arms, pressing her against me. I enveloped her body with mine, resting my chin atop her head. “You busy?” As I brushed my fingers over her soft skin, she sighed and relaxed against my chest.

  “Not really,” she replied dreamily.

  My hands paused on her shoulders, and I took the opportunity to spin her around. I pulled her close and latched my fingers, resting them at the small of her back. She lifted her chin, fixing me with a breezy smile. “Already redecorating, huh?”

  Jillian cocked an eyebrow and looked around the room. “Well, this place could use the help of a good designer.”

  “Anyone come to mind?” I swayed her gently, unfolding my hands. I slid them down her backside.

  Looking thoughtfully at the ceiling, she played along. “Hmm, maybe,” she simpered, biting the corner of her lip. “I think she prefers clothes to bedrooms, though.”

  Oh, really, Jillibean? I was confi
dent I could change her mind. I matched her playful grin with my own. “Know what I prefer?”

  She shook her head. “Uh-uh.”

  I inclined my head, my lips right at her ear. With a breathy rasp, I whispered, “I prefer bedrooms and no clothes.”

  Her body shuddered against mine, capturing the attention of my dick. I couldn’t wait any longer.

  Since my accident, any physical activity that increased my blood pressure had been off-limits. Not that it had stopped me from trying to convince her I was well enough to have sex. No matter how many times I’d sent my hands traveling over her body, or pushed a kiss beyond a PG rating, Jillian had made me behave. She’d forced me to be the model patient, which was no easy feat.

  But I’d been pardoned. No more sleepless nights reciting baseball stats when Jillian snuggled up beside me. Nothing stood in our way now.

  “Griff…” She shook her head. “I’m not so sure…”

  I could see the trepidation in her eyes. “Jillian, I got the all clear from my doctor today. As long as I’m not in any pain, no headaches, I can resume my normal level of activity.”

  “Really?” Her eyes flashed.

  I nodded.

  “Griff, that’s great news.” She stretched up on her tiptoes and kissed me.

  Lifting my hands from her ass, I caught her face in my palms. Slowly I brushed my lips over hers, licking the seam of her mouth before I drew back. Resting my forehead against hers, I fixed her with a heady gaze. “I want you, Jillibean. I promise you, I’m fine.” My thumbs traced light circles over the flush of her cheeks. “These last eight weeks…hell, these last six months have been excruciating.” My knees almost buckled with how much I wanted her. I couldn’t wait any longer. “I need to be inside you.” My voice scratched its way out of my throat.

  Jillian sucked in a breath and stared. The worry reflected in her eyes just moments ago ignited into passion as her lips curled into a sinful smile. “And that’s right where I want you,” she breathed.

  “Fuck.” Her words were my undoing. I slammed my mouth onto hers. I wanted to devour her. To taste and touch every part of her body at once.

  I caught her lip between my teeth, sucking it into my mouth. The sweetness of her lip gloss slid over my tongue, making me crave more of her. I pushed my tongue inside, tasting deeper.

  With my arms circled around her neck, I flexed my biceps, needing her closer.

  “Make love to me,” Jillian spoke against my lips.

  I drank her words. She didn’t need to ask twice. I slid my hands down the length of her spine and gripped her tiny waist in my palms. Bending my knees, I lifted her off the ground.

  Jillian’s legs wrapped around my waist as she threw her arms around my head, her tongue moving wildly against mine. I held her tightly, supporting her weight in my arms.

  Taking a few steps toward the bed, I leaned down and placed her on the mattress. Slowing my lips, I pulled away. Jillian stared up at me. Our eyes locked for a second before I trailed over every part of her body. Sprawled in front of me, she was the best gift I’d ever been given.

  I was determined to memorize her every feature. It’d taken us so long to get to this point, I wanted to remember everything. The way her sun-yellow hair fanned out against the dark-gray sheets on the bed…the desire and heat that pooled in her cheeks and burned in her eyes…her breasts rising and falling with each wanting breath…the way her flimsy dress bunched at her hip, teasing me.

  Setting my hands at her knees, I pushed them up her thighs. Her soft, warm skin beneath my fingers drove me wild. My eyes found hers again. “I’m tired of being apart, Jillian.”

  I loved her soul-deep, and I wanted her to feel it.

  With a nod she whispered, “Me too.”

  I smiled wantonly, impatient to get her naked. “Did you make this?” Fingering the hem of her dress, I slid my hands beneath the silky fabric.

  Jillian shivered at my touch. “Mmm-hmm.”

  My dick strained against the zipper of my jeans, begging to be freed.

  Continuing my ascent of her legs, I lowered my torso to hers. Coming close to her lips, but not touching them, I breathed, “It’s my new favorite.”

  Jillian sat up and rocked her body from side to side, working the dress over her hips, across her breasts, before pulling it off completely. She tossed it over my head. “I was never fond of it,” she said, kissing my lips and flopping back onto the bed.

  Fuck me. I was out of my league with this girl. “Jillian,” I stammered. “You are so damn sexy.” I smiled, taking in her gorgeous body. As I smoothed my hands across the skin of her ivory shoulders, her warmth soaked into my fingertips. I skimmed downward, filling my palms with her breasts, knowing that would be my undoing.

  I groaned against my hardening erection. The clothes needed to go.

  Shuffling back a step, I stood and grabbed the back collar of my t-shirt, ripping it over the top of my head. Keeping my eyes on Jillian, I unbuttoned my jeans, lowered the zipper and stepped out of my pants in record time.

  As she watched me undress, her eyebrows shot up. It was the sexiest, cutest damn expression I’d ever seen. I loved her eyes on my naked body.

  I stepped toward her, my skin tingling with anticipation. I pressed my hands to the insides of her knees, opening her legs as I slowly climbed on top of her. Working my palms over her shoulders, I lifted her from the mattress. She still wore too many clothes for my liking.

  Drawing a sensual trail down her back, my thumb and forefinger flicked open the closures. Gently I lowered her back onto the bed, peeling away the pink bra that stood between me and her beautiful tits.

  I flung the bra aside and pressed my mouth to her collarbone, working my way lower. With each kiss my tongue tasted her glistening skin. I wrapped my lips around her left breast, flicking my tongue against her nipple. She arched her back, pressing herself more fully against my mouth. If she kept that up, this wouldn’t last very long.

  I pulled in a breath, my nostrils consumed by her scent. It was a potent, lusty mix of her delicate perfume and arousal. “Flowers and the ocean,” I exhaled over her skin. I couldn’t get enough of her.

  As I continued exploring her body, kissing…tasting…smelling…Jillian ran her hands through my short hair, over the muscles of my back, kneading her fingers over my skin.

  I rested my chin on her breasts and looked into her dark eyes. “I love you, Jillibean,” I rasped.

  “I love you,” she whispered back.

  I smiled. Turning my head, I pressed my ear right above her left breast, and listened. “I could listen to your heartbeat all day long.”

  Keeping my ear to her heart, I guided my right hand up her arm, extending it above her head. With our fingers laced together, I moved my left hand southward, dipping my fingers just inside the top of her panties, eager to get them off. But first I wanted to watch Jillian come apart at my touch.

  “Hmmm,” I sang. “You’re changing the beat, Jillian. Much more syncopated.” A throaty laugh escaped my mouth.

  Jillian’s right hand pressed harder into my back, begging me for more. I slipped my fingers lower at the same time I planted my lips back onto hers. She was so wet…so ready. My dick throbbed, jealous of my hand. My tongue licked across her lips and she opened to me in more ways than one. I kissed her deeply.

  Her legs spread wider at my touch. I circled over her slick folds, making her breath come harder, faster. She moved against my fingers, and I felt her pulse quicken. “I’ve written songs about you,” I said against her mouth. “But your heartbeat right now has to be the damn sexiest, most gorgeous song I’ve ever heard.”

  I slipped one finger inside her, letting her get used to having me there. She moaned, working her body in time with my hand. Then I slid in a second, moving them in a rhythm that had her panting.

  “Oh…my…Griffin…,” she cried.

  I watched her come apart. My fingers might struggle to play instruments, but they knew exactly how to play J
illian. And that was all I needed.

  Jillian opened her eyes, love blazing from her dark irises.

  Want coursed through my veins. I needed to be inside her now. I peeled her panties down her legs, taking them away as I stood.

  Jillian propped herself on her elbows, still breathless. “What’s wrong? Are you OK? Are you hurt?” she asked, panic rising in her voice.

  I laughed, holding up my index finger. “Relax, Bean.” I stepped to my nightstand and pulled open the top drawer. Tossing aside a couple of pieces of crumpled paper, I searched for my box of condoms. It’d been a while since I’d needed them.

  Pulling one free, I turned my attention back to Jillian, holding the foil wrapper between my thumb and forefinger.

  Understanding dawned on her face.

  I bit the corner of the wrapper and ripped it open. As I rolled the condom over my length, I kept my eyes on Jillian. She watched me intently, her cheeks burning with desire.

  I slid back between her legs. I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her onto the bed. Brushing the hair from her face, I asked, “Are you sure?” I wanted her more than I needed air. But if she wasn’t ready, I’d wait.

  I searched her face. Then she nodded, breathing out a breath. It was music to my ears. I leaned forward, our bodies pressed together. Kissing her softly, I aligned myself to her.

  Jillian’s arms looped around my neck and she pushed her tongue into my mouth. Fire lit beneath my skin, and I couldn’t take another second of separation.

  I pushed inside her.

  My body sang. My eyes closed, overcome by her warmth. I’d dreamed of having her in this way, but nothing compared to the real thing.

  We were together. Nothing separated us anymore.

  I moved slowly, acquainting our bodies. Knowing this was Jillian’s first time, I didn’t want to hurt her. Unhurried, I pushed and pulled. We fit together perfectly.

  I committed the feeling of her to memory. My hands roamed over her body. I kissed her mouth…her jaw…the place below her ear that drove her wild. Jillian groaned in response. I loved that I did that to her.