by Sarah Bailey
“I want you to leave.”
“I want to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I get that, but if you just hear me out, please.”
She shook her head.
“No. I told you, I don’t want your excuses.”
“I’m not going to give you excuses.”
Her eyebrow shot up.
“Oh so you’re not going to make up a bunch of bullshit lies as to why you broke up with me, huh?”
I dug my hand in my pocket to stop myself from going over to her.
“You already know why that happened. I didn’t want to come between you and Jonah.”
“He would’ve got over it, Cole! And I chose you. I picked you, but you didn’t pick me.”
I shook my head.
“You have that all wrong. I did choose you. I put you first.”
She scoffed.
“Oh yeah and how do you figure that?”
Meredith’s attention was so intent on me, she didn’t notice her friend disappearing from the room to give us space. I was thankful for that much. The two of us needed to have this out alone.
“You lied to your brother about me, Meredith. How is that a healthy relationship when you have to lie to the person you care about, huh? It’s not one. I was coming in between you and him and that wasn’t okay, but I had no idea because you didn’t tell me either. You didn’t confide in me about what was going on, so how the fuck was I to know what damage I was causing? It was better for us to be apart before we destroyed everything around us.”
She took a step back as if my words had physically struck her. I wasn’t the only one to blame in this situation. Yes, I’d hurt her by walking away and I took full responsibility for that. It was on me. I’d apologised for it. Her lying to her brother and breaking her promise to him? That was on her.
“I’m sorry for everything that happened, but this isn’t all on me.”
“Are… are you saying it’s my fault you broke up with me?”
“No. I’m not saying that all.”
“Then what the hell are you saying?”
I couldn’t take the agony in her expression. My feet carried me over to her and my hands curled around her arms, holding her in place. Meredith stared up at me with hurt and heartbreak in her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking sorry I walked away from us. I didn’t want to be the reason you and Jonah fell out. I didn’t want to be the reason we fell apart completely because we were already imploding right before my eyes. I walked away to save us… to save you. And it killed me. You think it didn’t hurt when you told me you loved me? You think I really wanted to walk out on you after that? Because I didn’t. I really fucking didn’t, but you once told me I had to be an adult and prove to you I could be responsible. Well, that’s what I did. I took responsibility for us. For everything. I did it for you because I care about you so fucking much, little queen. I still do.”
A tear slid down her cheek. I reached up and wiped it away, hating that I’d made her cry. Hating that I’d hurt her. Hating every part of this.
“You mean everything to me, Meredith. You always have. I never stopped wanting you. Every day without you has been absolute torture. I need you. Please give me a chance.”
More tears spilt down her face.
“You really hurt me,” she whispered. “You broke my heart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I hate you for it.”
“I know and trust me, I deserve it.”
I stroked her cheek, needing her to come around. Needing her to give me a chance to show her how sorry I was. To prove to her I’d never hurt her again. Never.
“I don’t know if I can forgive you.”
“You don’t have to, just give me a chance. One chance… please.”
Chapter Twenty Eight
I didn’t know what to say to Cole. It never occurred to me that he could have valid reasons as to why he walked out on us. I couldn’t see past my own pain when it came to him. And he was right. I had lied to Jonah. Kept a secret from the person who’d always been there for me no matter what. Jonah had taken care of me throughout my heartbreak, soothing away the pain even if it hurt him to do so. He was sensitive to other people’s feelings. Being around me when I cried my heart out had only caused him more distress. But Jonah would never leave me in the dark to deal with it all on my own. He was the best big brother a girl could have.
“I don’t know if I can,” I whispered. “How do I trust you won’t walk away again when things are too hard or we lose our way? I can’t go through that again, Cole. I just can’t.”
I would not put myself in the position to get my heart broken by him again. How could I? Being in love with someone didn’t mean you let them walk all over you. Didn’t mean you allowed them to treat you like shit.
“I’m right here. I’m staying by your side even when everything gets dark. You have me. All of me. I’ve always been yours. I’m so sorry, little queen. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. You deserved better from me. So much fucking better. I want to make it up to you. Please let me prove I can be what you need now.”
My heart cracked and all my walls came crashing down. The sincerity in his voice and expression ruined me. I wanted to give him a chance. So badly. The truth was I’d missed Cole more than life itself. He’d played such an important role in my life. He was my first for everything when it came to a relationship with a man. This boy had torn my walls apart, given me hope and a new lease on life. And then he’d destroyed me in the worst possible way.
“I want to… I want to, but I’m scared.”
He leant closer, making my heart pound harder in my chest and rested his forehead against mine. His thumb kept soothingly stroking my cheek, making me melt further.
“I’m not going to make you any promises. All you need to know is you are my priority. I want to make you happy. I’d do anything for you.”
“Cole,” I whispered, reaching out to him because I couldn’t not. He was so close.
The moment my hands landed on his sides, curling around his waist, I knew I couldn’t throw him out of my house. I couldn’t tell him to go. I wanted him here.
“Please don’t leave me again.”
His hand dropped from my face and instead, he wrapped his arms around me, tugging me against him. Being close to him felt so good. That solid body pressed to mine. Cole had only grown more handsome in the past two years. I couldn’t help staring into those hazel eyes and wondering how I could forgive him. How I could let go of the past and allow him to heal the heart he’d wounded.
“I won’t.”
“This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven or that we’re back together.”
He smiled and hell if it didn’t light my entire body on fire.
“I can live with that. Now, are you going to let me kiss you or do I have to earn that again too?”
I trembled in his embrace, thoughts running rampant at the way he’d kissed me at the party last week. The way he’d fucked me up against my bedroom wall without any shame or mercy.
“I…”
Cole angled me closer, his mouth brushing against mine. I couldn’t think straight with him so close and my body reacting to his like it belonged to him.
“Yes or no?”
There was no logical reason for me not to let him kiss me. Yes, this boy had hurt me so fucking much, but it didn’t stop me wanting him.
“Yes.”
His mouth sealed over mine the moment the word left my lips. My ability to do anything but hold on whilst he kissed me got shot to pieces when he pressed my lips open and slid his tongue against mine. Cole’s kiss was hard and unyielding. He took and I gave. He’d told me when I was ready, I’d give him everything and I supposed he was right. I had done the night of the party. I’d allowed him to fuck me the way he wanted. And it had been the hottest experience of my life.
&
nbsp; His hand on my back drifted lower, curling around my behind and pressing me closer to his body. There was no space between us any longer. I could feel all the hard planes of his muscles. It was intoxicating and glorious. But there was no way in hell I would let him take me up to bed and have his way with me. Not yet. Cole needed to prove to me he wasn’t going anywhere first.
His lips left mine, pressing down my jaw and making my knees buckle. Cole’s arms around me kept me from falling down at his feet.
“You taste like home, little queen,” he breathed against my skin and I swear to god, I was lost. Utterly lost in a sea of Cole Carter who made my body blaze and melt at the same time. Who made my heart pound so hard in my chest, I thought it might explode.
And then the first thought in my head came out in a rush, “Have you tasted anyone else?”
I shouldn’t have asked that considering I’d kissed other boys, but he couldn’t blame me for that when he walked out on us. It was simply me trying to move on from him. Futile since my heart belonged to Cole. He’d inked himself onto the flesh. I couldn’t erase him no matter what I did.
“No.”
“But we’ve been apart for two years.”
He pulled back. The look in his eyes almost made me flinch.
“Doesn’t matter. There’s only one you.”
The seriousness of his tone made me feel guilty for even considering anyone else other than him. But it was guilt I shouldn’t be feeling. He left me. He ended our relationship.
“And I don’t care if you have. Nothing matters but the here and now.”
“Cole…”
“I don’t need you to tell me.”
I slid my hands up his waist, along his chest and wrapped them around his neck. Despite his words, I still wanted him to know the truth.
“I haven’t slept with anyone else.”
His hands tightened around me and a dark look crossed his features before it cleared.
“Okay… I won’t deny being happy about that.”
I shook my head and half-smiled before I stepped back, forcing him into letting me go. Even though I didn’t want to be out of Cole’s arms, he wasn’t forgiven yet.
“What now?”
He cocked his head to the side.
“What do you want to do now?”
I shrugged and dragged my toe along the lino floor.
“Rhys and I planned on going to the pub down the road, they have an open mic night every week… you can join us if you want.”
Cole’s eyes narrowed.
“Rhys?”
“Yeah, he came in with me earlier.” I noticed Cole’s hand clench into a fist. It made me aware of what he might be thinking. Reaching out, I coaxed him into unclenching it by prying his fingers back and linking them with mine. “Cole… Rhys is my best friend, there’s no reason for you to be jealous.”
“I’m not.”
The way his jaw clenched shut on his words made it very obvious that wasn’t the case. And as much as jealousy and possessiveness pissed me off, seeing Cole worked up over the thought of another guy being close to me made me aware of how much he still cared for me.
“Did I forget to mention he’s gay, demisexual and refuses to date anyone like… ever?”
Cole’s eyebrow curled upwards.
“Yes, you did.”
I reached up and patted his face.
“Don’t worry so much, hey?”
Before he had a chance to say anything more, I pulled him out of the kitchen and along the hallway to the living room. Rhys was sat watching TV, but he looked up when we entered the room.
“Cole, this is Rhys… Rhys, Cole.”
Rhys’ eyes ran up and down my ex.
“Hey,” he murmured.
“It’s okay if he comes with us to the White Hart, right?”
Rhys nodded although scepticism crossed his features. Considering the last time I’d mentioned Cole was when I’d been drunk in the aftermath of seeing him again, it didn’t surprise me. I’d talk to him about it properly later.
“Okay, well, I’m going to get ready.”
“Don’t be long.”
I rolled my eyes as I considered whether to ask Cole to wait here. Deciding against it, I pulled him out of the living room.
“I’m coming upstairs with you?” he asked as I started down the hallway.
“Yes.”
“Can I get the tea your housemate made me?”
I stopped, letting go of his hand and giving him a look.
“Alfie made you tea?”
He shrugged so I waved a hand. Cole ambled back down to the kitchen before reappearing with a mug in his hand. The two of us walked upstairs with Cole clearly checking me out the entire way up. I didn’t comment on it.
He sat on my bed when we reached my room. I walked over to my cupboards, pulling the doors open.
“So, what are you doing these days?” I asked as I rifled through my clothes for an appropriate outfit.
“I started an apprenticeship at a garage which I’ll be done with soon, just need to finish getting my qualifications.”
I smiled. Cole had told me he wanted to be a mechanic. He liked working with his hands and he was always fiddling with car parts when I was around his. At least, when his attention hadn’t been on me.
Even though I’d kept in touch with Raphi, I never asked what Cole was doing. We always stuck to topics unrelated to our families for obvious reasons.
“Well, I’m glad you’re getting to do your dream job.”
I looked over my shoulder, finding him sipping at his tea.
“Yeah, keeps me busy and out of trouble.”
“You’ve ditched your troublemaker ways, have you?”
He shrugged, cupping the mug to his chest with his big hands. I’d felt the callouses on them earlier. The thought of him bent over an engine with sweat running down his bare chest made my pulse spike. Okay, so Cole wouldn’t do his job without a shirt, but a girl could dream, couldn’t she?
“You could say that.”
“I always kind of liked that you were a bad boy.”
His lips curved up as he looked at me.
“I’ll always be bad for you, little queen.”
Those hazel eyes simmered with danger and I swallowed hard, turning back to my cupboards as my face heated. Having dirty thoughts about Cole would not do me any favours right now. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to let us get that far until I knew he wouldn’t leave. Giving him a chance was only fair, but time would tell if it was a mistake for me to have done so.
I grabbed my black skinny jeans, a white almost see-through short-sleeved blouse with little black rabbits on it and a cardigan since it was still winter and cold as fuck outside. Turning around, I found Cole still watching me.
“You know, it’s rude to stare at a girl when she’s about to change.”
The smirk gracing his lips set my blood on fire.
“You did invite me up here.”
“Cole!”
He closed his eyes, but the smirk remained. I shook my head and stripped out of my clothes.
“It’s not as if I haven’t seen everything before, you know,” he murmured, keeping his eyes shut.
“That’s not the point.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve got shy and self-conscious about yourself again.”
Cole had explored every inch of me with his fingers and his tongue when we’d been together. He’d made me feel special. His care had allowed me to see myself as someone attractive and desirable, but I didn’t think my insecurities would ever leave me. Not really.
“No… at least, not as bad as before anyway.”
I stood there in my underwear, feeling vulnerable as hell even though he still had his eyes closed. A part of me wanted him to open them and remind me of why I never had to worry about my appearance. Whenever his hazel eyes had roamed over me, I felt beautiful, wanted, needed.
“You’re still the most stunning girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. Nothing will ever change that.”
“Hmm, yeah, okay.”
He put a hand out to me. The other was still curled around the handle of the mug which was resting on his knee. I approached him with caution, wondering what on earth he planned to do. His fingers enclosed around mine when I stood before him and knocked my hand against his. He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my fingertips.
“You don’t believe me?”
He turned his face up towards me even whilst keeping his eyes closed.
“It’s hard for me to accept compliments, you know that.”
Cole flattened my palm against his face and placed a kiss in the centre of it, making my breath hitch.
“You have never been anything but beautiful to me, Meredith. Even with your pink hair.”
I couldn’t help smiling. Rhys had called me crazy when I’d come home from the hairdresser a couple of days ago. I wanted something different, especially after my encounter with Cole at the party.
“You like the pink?”
“It suits you.”
“Well, it’s staying… at least for now.”
I pulled my hand away from him and walked back over to where I’d left my clothes on a chair. After I tugged them on, I looked in the mirror, feeling good about myself.
“You can open your eyes now.”
I picked up my hairbrush and sorted my hair out. Glancing in the mirror again, I could see Cole watching me silently. I braided my hair down both sides and tied it up in a bun at the back before applying a little makeup. When I was done, I turned around and put my hands on my hips.
“Well?”
He stood up and walked over to me, his hazel eyes glinting. I raised an eyebrow. He reached up and stroked a finger down my cheek.
“You are the most perfect girl in the world to me.”
Dropping his hand, he stepped away towards the door. My heart melted into a pile of goo on the floor. Cole needed to stop saying shit like that to me. I was in real danger of throwing caution to the wind and allowing him to drown me all over again.
