by Sarah Bailey
I looked over at Rory, trying desperately to hold it together. My heart burnt. My whole body ached. This was worse than last time. Much, much worse. This time I didn’t understand his reasons for leaving me.
“I can’t tell you that. I’m sorry, but I promised my son.”
Rory reached into his pocket again and pulled out a little packet of tissues. He offered it to me. It’s then I realised tears were falling down my cheeks. Each one echoed the agony I felt inside.
“But… but how could he leave me behind?”
Rory tugged a tissue out and moved closer to me. He took the letter out of my hand, placing it down beside him. Then he took my face in his hand and wiped my cheeks. Cole had once explained to me why his dad didn’t like human contact with those he didn’t know, so this came as a surprise to me.
“He didn’t want to,” Rory said in a quiet voice. “He never wanted it to be this way.”
“But he loves me, how could he do this?”
I wanted to understand. I needed an explanation. Cole wouldn’t tell me he loved me one day and leave me the next. That wasn’t the Cole I knew. He had to have a reason.
“He’s doing it because he loves you. All I can say is he wants to keep you safe and for you to live the life you deserve.”
“I can’t live without him. I don’t want to.”
My words came out on a sob and tears blurred my vision. Yes, I’d lived without Cole for two years before this, but he made me happy. He made me feel alive. I loved him. Just as he said I was his one, he was my one too. I didn’t know how to be happy without him even if he’d asked me to be. How could I when my heart had been ripped out of my chest and the pieces lay on the floor in a bloody mess.
I was enfolded in a pair of arms. A hand stroked my hair as I buried my face in his shoulder. I felt ridiculous getting comfort from Cole’s dad, but he was right there offering it to me. It made me wonder why he’d come as opposed to Ash. Perhaps it was because Cole trusted his dad not to tell me why he’d gone. And that made it all so much worse.
“I know this is hard and it hurts,” Rory murmured. “I want you to know we care about you, Meredith. And if you ever need anything, we’re here for you. All of us.”
I sobbed into his shoulder harder. Cole’s family were far too nice. I didn’t want to lose them along with Cole. The thought of it made everything hurt worse.
“You promise?”
“I promise. Ash told me to let you know you’re welcome at our house whenever you need. We might not be able to tell you what happened and where Cole is, but you are part of our family. That’s never going to change.”
It was too much. All of it. I could hardly breathe as the world around me crumbled. And there was only one person in this world I wanted.
“I… I… I need,” I hiccupped. “I need Jonah.”
“Your brother?”
I nodded against Rory’s shoulder. Either Cole must have told him who Jonah was or he knew about Jonah and Raphi.
“My phone… pocket.”
Somehow, I managed to dig my hand into my pocket and pull it out. Rory made me unlock the phone with my fingerprint and then he called my brother for me. I didn’t listen to their conversation as my ears were ringing and my head felt stuffy. When Rory was done, he assured me Jonah was on his way.
“Can I get you anything? A cup of tea, maybe?”
I nodded. Rory stood up and pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa before tucking it around me. He left the tissues by my hand and walked out to find the kitchen, leaving me lost in my own thoughts. My own misery. I stared down at my lap, tears still flowing down my face.
I was lost without Cole. Utterly lost. And alone.
How the hell did you cope when the love of your life left you for a second time?
How was it possible to feel this much pain inside?
It ate at me. Destroying me.
It was nothing like before. I had no hope. No nothing. Cole had told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that hadn’t changed. He’d left anyway. Did that mean he would come back for me eventually? And how would I feel if he did?
I had no idea. All these questions only made my heart ache more.
By the time Rory came back in, he had Rhys following along behind him. The moment my best friend saw me, he was by my side and taking me in his arms.
“I’m so sorry, Mer,” he whispered. “Cole’s dad told me what happened. It’s okay, I’m right here.”
I really appreciated his presence even though I wanted just my brother. Jonah had a way of repairing everything. It would be hard on him given his sensitivity to emotions, but he never complained when it came to me. My brother had been the only constant in my life after our father died. Even though he’d come between Cole and me before, he did it because he loved me, not because he wanted to hurt me in any way, shape or form.
I didn’t say a word to Rhys, just cried on him because there wasn’t anything else I could say. I felt broken. And by the time Jonah got there, I was a mess even though I’d drunk the tea Rory had made for me.
Jonah took one look at me before he was by my side and had his arm wrapped around my shoulder, kissing the top of my head.
“I know,” he murmured. “I know.”
He didn’t need me to explain. My brother would help me. He would keep me from drowning completely even though the water threatened to take me under and keep me there.
I didn’t hear Rory or Rhys leave. Not when Jonah was there, murmuring soothing words into my hair and being my shield.
“It hurts right now, Mer. It hurts and it will for a long time, but I’ll be right here. Always. I love you. I’ll make sure you get through this.”
And my brother was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind that day. The only person who gave me a reprieve from the desolation which had set in the moment I discovered the love of my life had left me in the dark.
I love you, Cole Carter.
And I hate you at the same time.
I hate that you’ve left me alone all over again.
I don’t want you to come back this time.
Don’t come back because I won’t be waiting for you.
Part IV
rectify
verb, rec·ti·fied, rec·ti·fy·ing.
to make, put, or set right; remedy; correct.
Chapter Forty Four
Five years later
You know when you should be out celebrating and being happy for your best friend? Well, I wasn’t doing that. And it made me feel like absolute shit. As if I didn’t feel bad enough already sitting here in a cubicle in the ladies’ toilets crying my eyes out.
You are such a mess, you know that, right?
Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled for Rhys. This was his special day. His wedding. He deserved it after everything he’d been through. After all the heartache and pain, he’d found his way back to the love of his life. His best friend from his childhood, Aaron. The person Rhys was meant to be with. They made a beautiful couple. I didn’t think two people could love each other more than they did each other. It was fucking magical to see.
My tears had nothing to do with Rhys. Well, in some ways it did. It was seeing him get married which set me off. And all the alcohol I’d consumed at the reception so far. They’d been a toxic combination, leading me down a path I didn’t want to follow. At the end of that path lay only more fucking pain. I was done feeling pain. Done experiencing this never-ending agony deep inside my soul. Done trying to deny I couldn’t get over it. Done with it all.
I sniffled, trying not to make too much noise. My chest hurt, constricting with each breath I took. It was stupid. I was stupid. A stupid girl who couldn’t forget. One who still harboured someone she shouldn’t in her heart. I never meant to. I’d intended to let go. But that boy had dug his claws in, latching onto the parts of me needed to keep me alive.
My heart was required to beat.
/> My lungs were required to fill with air.
My brain was required to keep me functioning right.
He stole my ability to let anyone into my heart.
He stole the breath from my lungs.
And he ruined me for anyone else.
Five years should have been enough to make me forget about him. Except it wasn’t. I didn’t know how long would be enough. At this rate, I could go the rest of my life nursing the shattered pieces of myself and never finding a way to fix them.
It’s not as if I thought about him all the time. I’d got on with my life, finished university and started working in the West End and on film and TV sets. It was my absolute dream come true. It’s just some days I got hit with the reminder this was the life I’d wanted to share with the love of my life. The person who’d promised me everything.
So yes, he was the reason I was crying my eyes out on my best friend’s wedding day. He was the reason my heart had remained closed off to everyone and anyone all this time. He was the fucking reason I was a big baby who couldn’t get her act together and move on.
I was meant to have a day like this. A wedding day with him. He was meant to give me this and yet, all he’d done was left me with nothing. Fucking nothing but a broken heart.
I mentally slapped myself. Crying in a toilet was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic and only went to show how un-over him I was. How no matter what I did, I could never escape that boy. Though I suppose he’d be a man now. A fully grown man of twenty-three. I tried not to think of what he looked like now. It would only make it worse for me.
Pull yourself the fuck together. You can’t sit in here all night. You are not going to cry over him any longer, you hear me? No more of this self-pity and wallowing.
I pulled at the toilet paper, ripping off some sheets and dabbing my face with it. Standing up, I chucked them in the bin and unlocked the door. I peered around, finding the room unoccupied. Breathing a sigh of relief, I trotted out on my heels and spent a few minutes in front of the mirror sorting my face out. There was nothing I could do about my bloodshot eyes, but at least I didn’t look like a sodden mess any longer.
You are going to walk out, put on a brave face and be there for your best friend, you hear me? Do not allow yourself to fall apart.
I straightened my spine, walked out of the toilets and into the function room they’d hired out in a fancy hotel. The dancing had started up in my absence. Rhys and Aaron had invited more people to the reception than the wedding itself, so the room was pretty full. I leant up against the wall, watching as my best friend and his new husband held each other. They wore matching blue suits and smiles only for each other. I’d never seen Rhys look so happy in all the years I’d known him.
“Those two are like the poster children for a fairy tale love story.”
I looked to my right, finding my brother had joined me. He was watching my best friend and his new husband with a smile.
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew what they’d been through together.”
“Suppose everyone has their dark histories.”
Whilst Rhys had never explained the exact circumstances surrounding his breakup with Aaron when they were teenagers, I knew how painful it’d been for the both of them.
“Hmm, yes, I could say that about some other people I know.”
He glanced at me and shook his head.
“Hush you.”
I smiled and nudged his shoulder with mine. Jonah deserved every piece of happiness that had come his way recently. I swear to god my brother had been put through the fucking wringer or at least his heart had. But, as he said to me a couple of weeks ago, the heart wants what it wants. And his heart led him to the person I had always known he’d end up with, even if their journey had been perilous.
“What? You not seeing him after this?”
Jonah nudged the floor with his foot.
“I am.”
“Well then, you know I’m happy for you.”
He reached out and took my hand, tugging me away from the wall. I gave him a look.
“Jonah…”
“Come on, Mer, it’s a wedding, you’re going to dance with me.”
I begrudgingly allowed my brother to pull me out on the dancefloor. He’d been my plus one today since I wasn’t seeing anyone. And even if I had been, there’s no way in hell I’d have brought them to Rhys’ wedding. Only someone truly special would get this privilege.
I rested my head on Jonah’s shoulder as he took my hand and wrapped an arm around me.
“Are you okay?” he murmured.
“No.”
There was no point me lying to him. We didn’t keep anything from each other these days, not after everything that had happened between us. You could say mutual heartbreak brought my brother and me closer together. That, and Jonah’s ability to read my emotions so well. The man never ceased to pester me until I told him what was up with me.
“Is it…?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry, Mer.”
I didn’t have to explain myself to him, nor Rhys when it came to me and men. Well, one man. I couldn’t bring myself to think his name, let alone say it out loud.
“I feel like a shit friend right now, wallowing in my own misery when it’s Rhys’ day.”
“You know, I’m relatively sure Rhys is too busy making gooey eyes at Aaron to notice, and even if he has, he knows as well as I do why this is hard for you.”
Jonah was right. Rhys knew me like the back of his hand. I glanced over at him and Aaron. They looked so happy and at peace together. He likely had no idea I’d disappeared for a cry and it would stay that way. I wouldn’t ruin his big day for anything.
“Besides, you were there for the important bit, supporting him at the ceremony. Best woman duties and all.”
I sighed, burying my face back in his shoulder. What would I do without Jonah? He was my rock.
“I love you, J, you know that, right? I’m so grateful you’re here.”
“Love you too.”
Jonah spun us away so we didn’t bump into another couple.
“It is wrong for me to miss him after all this time?”
He kissed my hair, leaving me feeling vulnerable. I kept my face pressed against him. I didn’t want to see his expression, or anyone else’s for that matter.
“You still love him.”
It wasn’t a question, but a statement. I nodded anyway.
“It’s not wrong, Mer. It’s just how you feel. You never got any closure. I imagine a part of you will always wonder if you and him would have made it if he hadn’t left.”
As usual, Jonah saw everything with such clarity. I used to hate how bloody wise he was when I was younger, but not now. Besides, he knew how to talk to people. He’d been working as a counselling psychologist for the past three years after he’d done his postgraduate studies to become a Chartered Psychologist. I didn’t know how he coped, given how sensitive to emotions he was, but Jonah liked to help people. He always had. That was his superpower. At least, to me it was.
“Can you be my brother instead of psychologist Jonah?”
He chuckled.
“As your brother, I would still tell you the same thing. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel. Have I ever told you to just get over it?”
“No.”
“Then stop beating yourself up.”
“Ugh, you’re annoying when you’re right.”
He squeezed my hand as the song ended and a more upbeat one started. I pulled back and stared up at him.
“Don’t you want to go see your man?”
“He’s not my man yet.”
I rolled my eyes.
“It’s only a matter of time.”
He shrugged, letting go of me as we made our way off the dance floor.
“We’ll see.”
“You could just ask.”
He shook his head, his eyes growing dar
ker at the prospect of putting himself out there like that.
“You tell me to stop dating emotionally unavailable men, so I’m going to tell you to stop letting your fear of rejection get in the way.”
“Can you blame me?”
I didn’t answer him straight away. Jonah had every reason under the sun to be scared.
“No, but if you don’t nail that man down and make sure he stays yours, you’re an idiot.”
“Thanks so much for the vote of confidence in me.”
I nudged his arm.
“J, I adore you, but you suck at this shit so take my advice. Tell him either he commits to you or you’re done for good.”
We stopped near the door of the function room. Jonah looked back over the guests for a moment, then levelled his gaze on me.
“Fine, but if this goes to shit, I’m placing the blame at your door.”
I shrugged.
“I’ll take it.”
He hugged me before giving my hand a squeeze and ambling out the door.
“I won’t expect you back tonight,” I called after him.
I could see him shaking his head as he made his way towards the front door of the hotel. I smiled to myself. Jonah always knew how to make me feel better.
I turned back to the room, determined not to allow that boy I should learn to forget any further time to ruin my night. Besides, my best friend had promised me a dance. It was high time I dragged him away from his new husband for five minutes and ask if his wedding day had been everything he hoped and so much more.
Chapter Forty Five
I unlocked the front door of my building, having caught a taxi home. It was midnight. Usually, I was the life and soul of the party, but after Rhys and Aaron disappeared, I wanted to be alone. Trudging up the stairs, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wanted to strip down, take off my makeup and crawl into bed. All of those plans went out the window the moment I reached the first-floor landing and found a figure sitting outside my front door with their head bowed to their chest.
I stood at the top of the stairs wondering who it was, how the fuck they got in here and why the hell they were sitting outside the door of the flat I shared with Jonah. Then I hit the light switch and everything came into focus.
