Old Fashioned

by Rene Gutteridge

  “How do you know if I’m romantic or not?” He could definitely do better than a grocery store . . . and for Amber, he would do way better.

  “Trust me, you’re not. I’m envisioning a date to a restaurant featured on Groupon.”

  “I might have hidden romantic talents.”

  “There are a few clues resting in your basket that say otherwise. Lima beans. Not romantic.”

  Clay grabbed a box of wagon wheel pasta off the shelf. “Eh?”

  “No. Candlelight, jazz, sand between your toes—all romantic. Wagon wheel pasta—not romantic.”

  He put the box back on the shelf, careful to line it up with the rest. He started to move on, but right behind him, Amber reached over and nudged the box out of place.

  Keep walking. Breathe.

  They rounded the corner, but the truth was that he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She grabbed this and that, never checking the price, just throwing it all in a pile. They got to the gum and she grabbed every package of cinnamon gum they had.

  “I like cinnamon.” She shrugged.

  He smiled. The thing was, there didn’t seem to be much hiding behind those beautiful brown eyes. What you saw was what you got.

  She ripped open one of the bags of gum, pulled out three pieces, and stuck them in her mouth.

  “But you haven’t paid for—”

  “It’s okay, stress boy. They don’t actually arrest you until you attempt the leave the store without paying.” She held out the packet to him. “Gum?”

  He took a piece, looked at it for a moment. “Is sugarless cinnamon gum romantic?”

  “Depends on who’s chewing it.”

  Then they both heard it at the same time: “Cosie, go tee-tee!”

  Laughter erupted between them. “Amazingly, that’s not even over the loudspeaker,” Clay said.

  “Well, come on, stress boy! I don’t want to miss the show!”

  Amber turned her cart and hurried off toward the bakery. Clay followed. They found Lisa chanting, Cosie posed in defiance, and David melting in humiliation while holding a box of donuts.

  “Cosie! Tee-tee! For Uncle Eric.”

  A small crowd had gathered. Lisa, as always, seemed to be feeling the pressure. She was swiping sweaty hair off her forehead. “She does it at home. Cosie. Listen to Mommy.”

  A nearby customer hollered, “Can I just get some donuts?”

  “In a minute. That’s my niece,” said Eric, Lisa’s brother.

  “She can do it,” Lisa said to the crowd. “Come on, Cosie. Tee-tee.” Lisa backed up, her arms out. “Just give her some space.”

  Eric got the crowd going in their own chant. “Tee-tee! Tee-tee!”

  Amber nudged Clay. He laughed, the kind of laugh that made everything else in life seem okay and worthwhile. “Tee-tee!” he chanted with her.

  Cosie watched the crowd for a moment. Then, emboldened and drunk with attention, she slowly moved toward the potty. The chants intensified with every step. She looked around, urging the crowd to more excitement. She dropped her zoo animals diaper. Her little dress covering her, she sat, in complete modesty, and went into some kind of stellar zone of concentration, staring straight forward, locked on to her mission.

  Lisa shushed the chanters, her face bursting like it might be time for her own trip to the potty. The entire crowd quieted. The entire store, for that matter. Even the cash registers at the front seemed to stop.

  Then . . . “Tee-tee!” Cosie punched her hands into the air. The crowd erupted with wild applause. Lisa cried, her hand over her mouth as if Cosie had just made the Olympic team. David was eating a donut.

  Clay leaned toward Amber. “No one applauds when I go tee-tee.” She laughed. He laughed. So far this was better than any date he’d been on.

  As the crowd dispersed, they made their way, carts and all, toward Lisa, David, and Cosie.

  Lisa gave Clay a self-satisfied smile. “See? Told you. Shame-free parenting. Bodily functions are totally natural.” This from a mother who encouraged public nose picking. Thankfully Cosie didn’t take to that.

  David offered Clay a donut. “Aren’t you going to introduce us to your new friend?”

  “I’m Amber.” She had this confident way about her like she was sure she’d fit into any crowd.

  “I’m David.” They shook hands. “Donut?”

  “Sure.”

  “We just ran into each other here. That’s it,” Clay said. He was chewing his gum faster than he wanted to.

  “That’s the one,” Lisa said and David’s eyes widened.

  “Oh . . . yeah . . . hi . . .” Now David was inspecting Amber like she was a steak and he was the FDA.

  “And this is Cosie,” Lisa said, “whom you’ve met.”

  “Hi again.” Amber smiled down at her. “Good job doing your thing.”

  “So you’re the woman upstairs,” David said with a wicked gleam in his eye, directed right at Clay. This was why he never went out in public with these two.

  Amber looked at him. Lisa and David did too. “What? Don’t look at me,” Clay said, bringing the moment into full-blown awkwardness.

  “Yeah,” David said. “Don’t look at him. He never mentioned you. Then again, why should he? It’s not like we’re best friends or anything.”

  Clay focused his attention on David, defying him to keep pushing. As usual, he did.

  “Amber, Lisa and I are having a big shindig tonight. Two birthdays. One party.”

  Clay swallowed his gum accidentally. Surely David wasn’t going to go there.

  David slid his arm around Lisa, who added, “Our birthdays are on the same day.”

  Amber smiled. “Awww. That’s sweet.”

  “I know.” Lisa grinned.

  David’s own grin appeared innocent—Bernie Madoff innocent. “Clay is going to be there—aren’t you, Clay?”

  Amber clapped her hands. “I’d love to come!”

  Several hours later, Clay stood in front of his mirror at home, trying to decide what shirt to wear. The irony was that any woman could tell him instantly, but in order to get a woman, he was going to have to make a statement with a shirt he picked out on his own. Or so the culture told him.

  He wanted to pretend he didn’t care, but the fact was that in the last nine years, he hadn’t once stopped and thought about what shirt to wear. Something was shifting. And today it was David’s fault. Maybe tomorrow he would blame someone else.

  Luckily for David, his kid was cute and seemed to like Clay a lot. Plus Clay had the surprise, earth-shattering birthday gift that Lisa was depending on. He’d wrapped it in bubble wrap, secured it with wire, and put it in a sturdy box.

  Now it was in his backseat. Along with two other shirts he threw back there in case the black sweater didn’t work.

  As he drove his old truck to David and Lisa’s house, he realized how few parties he even went to anymore. As few as possible, truthfully. There was a time—eons ago, it seemed now—that he wouldn’t miss a party. He loved people. Loved a crowd. Loved a good time. Loved the challenge of making sure everyone enjoyed themselves. Loved to be the center of attention.

  That man had been murdered, thank God. Though Clay suspected, deep down inside, there was always a chance he could rise from the dead. And maybe that’s why he didn’t get out much. Maybe being around old, dusty, long-forgotten possessions kept him dead enough not to worry about it.

  The party was in full swing when Clay walked in. Lisa hurried to take the gift from his hands, rushing it out of sight into another room. He found the drink table, grabbed a soda, then planted himself in a nice doorway to lean against and hold steady.

  He saw Amber immediately. She’d already arrived and was chatting with a couple of guys and playing with children all at once. He smiled as he watched her tickle Cosie’s tummy. He’d thought about asking her if she needed a ride. But it had remained in his thoughts.

  Then, like that, she was looking at him, smiling in that self-assured way that made him
feel less and less sure about himself. He looked away right as David bumped his shoulder.

  “I saw that. Don’t deny it.” David gestured with his own drink. “That whole aloof-glance-across-the-room thing. Very nice. Subtle.”

  “Don’t you need to take Cosie to driver’s ed or space camp or something?”

  “Oooh! Good ideas. Honey?” Lisa said, carrying a tray of drinks past them.

  “On it, hon.” David smiled. It dropped off his face when she passed. “Thanks a lot, man.”

  “I do what I can.”

  They both watched Lisa walk back in with a big Tonka dump truck. She set it in the middle of the floor. Cosie and the other kids flooded around it. And right there with them was Amber, to the disappointment of the guy who had just sat down next to her.

  “Make your move, man. Looks like real estate is going fast.”

  Clay huffed. “Are you my agent?”

  “Hey! Everybody!” David suddenly yelled.

  A burst of tingling sweat broke over Clay like the shingles. Why, why did David always feel the need to—?

  “Welcome again to our humble abode,” David said, flashing smiles in all directions. “This celebration. Eight years in a row. Lisa and I. Getting older. Still living in sin.” Light applause. “To share it with all of you means so much. Has everyone met Amber? Raise your hand, Amber. She’s new.”

  Amber, blushing a bit, gave a gentle wave.

  “Also, Clay really likes her. A lot.” He lifted his bottle to whispers instead of cheers and walked off.

  Clay’s whole face itched. He didn’t have to look in the mirror to know he was bright red, equal parts embarrassment and fury. He shot David a glare across the room. David only grinned and patted his heart.

  His gaze moved to Amber, still sitting on the floor like a little kid. And as she glanced at him and smiled, she seemed to be the only cool air in the room.

  But he needed the real thing and stepped outside for a while.

  The escape was short-lived. The sun set and out came the birthday cake, glowing with enough candles to be mistaken for nuclear war. To claps and cheers, David and Lisa held hands and blew the candles out together. They served the cake, but Clay had already lost his appetite. As everyone made their way into the kitchen, he made his way to the couch and found a comfortable spot.

  Why was he such an idiot? Why did she make him feel this way? Why couldn’t he just . . . be normal? Except he believed, truly, that normal wasn’t working for anyone anymore.

  All these thoughts were racing around in his mind when Amber suddenly plopped down beside him.

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” Clay said, biting his lip with the kind of force used for gnawing through gristle.

  “You or David?”

  He looked down. Trapped again.

  She patted his leg. “I’m kidding. It’s fine. He’s ornery. That’s what you like about him.”

  Clay’s knee was blushing. “I used to be worse than that,” he said, glancing at her.

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  “Good.”

  The crowd filtered back into the living room, holding cake and watching David and Lisa open gifts. Amber sat quietly beside him, enthralled, as if she’d never been to a birthday party before. He tried not to watch her, but every time one of them opened a gift, her eyes lit as if it were a present for her. How could someone get so happy over someone else’s gift?

  “Hey,” she whispered. “Look at that.”

  Cosie was walking toward them, right into the room of grown-ups, weaving between their legs unnoticed. Wrapped in a soft pink blanket like a baby was the big yellow dump truck. She rocked it back and forth gently, whispering to it and kissing it, completely oblivious to anything else. She walked past them and into her bedroom, shutting the door.

  Amber smiled. “That’s the cutest thing I have ever seen.”

  Clay was pretty sure she was wrong because he was afraid he was looking right at the cutest thing ever. Her knee brushed his and it felt like electricity charging through him. He stayed perfectly still.

  “Clay! My man!”

  He whipped his attention back to the presents, afraid David was about to announce to everyone exactly what Clay was thinking. But instead he was pointing to the framed movie poster of Meet John Doe.

  “Classic. Well done.” David tilted his head. “Is somebody still pouting?”

  Amber pointed to Gary Cooper’s fedora. “I like his hat.”

  Clay couldn’t help staring at her now. Could this woman get any more—?

  “And for me?” Lisa said. “My present? The usual?”

  Clay nodded and Lisa clapped, then mouthed, Thank you. She turned to David. “Well, only two left. One from me to you and one from you to me.” She handed him the box. “You go first.”

  David laughed. “All right. Can’t imagine what this is.” He tore open the top of the package and pulled out the shadow box. It contained a half-smoked cigar, a signed credit card receipt, and a photo of his favorite NBA superstar frozen in a power dunk.

  Clay smiled as he watched David’s mouth drop open like he was staring at the Holy Grail. He loved this man, who so easily could have walked away from him for more reasons than he could count. David had seen Clay in the two most extreme ways possible. And he was loyal whether Clay was on the north or south pole. Sometimes Clay took him for granted, and he vowed not to do that anymore . . . unless, of course, David was going to continue to needle him. Which he would.

  Lisa was giddy. “I saw him at a restaurant last time I was in Chicago. I was too nervous to ask for his autograph in person so I sat and waited three hours for him to finish eating! And then I had to beat the busboy to the table. Not easy.”

  “You stole a half-smoked cigar and a credit card receipt?”

  Lisa let out a silent scream. “I know, right? The cigar was a bonus.”

  “If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.” David glanced at Clay. “It looks just like you told me.”

  Clay groaned as Lisa stared him down. “I didn’t tell him anything.” David loved planting this kind of nonsense. It was like a gift.

  “Clay! It was supposed to be a surprise!” Lisa looked racked with disappointment.

  David smirked at him, then turned to Lisa. “He didn’t ruin it totally.”

  “I didn’t say anything!” Clay protested, but thankfully Lisa was a sucker for presents and had already cast her attention toward the last one on the table, a tiny box with a big red bow.

  David picked it up and placed it in her hands. She ripped off the bow, opened the box, and . . .

  Gasps. The loudest from Lisa.

  Her mouth gaped open as though a moan might escape. Amber glanced at Clay, excitement in her eyes.

  “What’s this?” Lisa stammered.

  “It’s an engagement ring,” David said.

  “You want to get married?”

  “Make an honest woman of ya.”

  “I am an honest woman.”

  “It’s just an expression.”

  “I don’t like it.”

  “Is that a yes?”

  Lisa stared at the ring. “I thought we didn’t need a piece of paper to prove anything.”

  “We don’t.”

  Everyone watched as Lisa hesitated. Clay would never forget the time he’d been at an NBA game and seen a guy ask a girl to marry him on the Jumbotron. She slapped him and stormed off. David didn’t look nervous. But Lisa looked like she was still processing the fact that these weren’t earrings.

  David tossed another smirk his way. “It’s Clay’s fault. He’s rubbing off on me.”

  “I hope not,” Lisa said, still staring at the ring.

  “We’re not kids,” David said, taking Lisa’s hand. “Some things are starting to matter more to me now than they used to. It’s not about proof. I know you love me.”

  “I do. Unfortunately.”

  “And I love you. I’m not going anywhere, paper or no paper. I’d just
like the chance to see you in a wedding dress.”

  The yes was heard four blocks away.

  “You’re proud of him,” Amber said, giving Clay a small wink. Over the past thirty minutes as they sat on the couch together, he’d seemed to loosen up a bit. And by a bit, she meant only that his eyebrows had relaxed into a straight line across his forehead. Everything else was stone frozen.

  But then Clay smiled at her, and it was the first time she saw relief on the rest his face. “Yeah. He’s a good guy.”

  “Likes to give you a hard time.”

  “Used to go both ways. But it’s how he shows his love.”

  “It’s ‘man crush’ at its finest.” She grinned.

  The crowd started to disperse around them. Cranky kids had hit their breaking point.

  “So what’s this great gift you get Lisa every year?”

  “Come on. I’ll show you.”

  They walked to the kitchen, where plates and cups and saucers and serving dishes were piled a mile high. Clay went to the sink, grabbed a towel, and started the water.

  “The dishes?”

  He smiled, then started scrubbing.

  “Want some help?”

  “No, I’m fine. I actually kind of find it relaxing.”

  “And for fun on your days off, you scrub toilets?” She laughed as she took a seat on a barstool. But the guy probably didn’t need any more ribbing this evening. “You’re happy when you’re doing something productive, aren’t you?”

  “Usually.”

  David and Lisa came in, entwined in each other’s arms.

  “Keep your voices down. Cosie fell asleep in her room snuggled up against that Tonka truck. So cute!” Lisa said. “And I love the fact that she doesn’t feel the need to carry around a baby like every other little girl. I am raising her to think independently, people. Watch and learn.”

  Amber laughed as Clay glanced at her with a small smile.

  Lisa took a seat on the stool next to Amber’s and poured them both a glass of red wine. “Now that’s what I call a party.”

  Amber nodded toward the sink. “Now that’s what I call sexy.” She didn’t have to look—she knew he was blushing.

  “Show-off,” David called as he slid into a seat at the kitchen table.

  “Hey,” Lisa said, “are we gonna have a honeymoon?”