The Amazing Magnificent Stupendous Incredible Outstanding Unbeatable Exceptional (and Humble) Rubberband Boy

by Jonathan Neuman

  Principal Freeman came to window and John tried very hard to maintain his composure and balance as Principal Freeman’s mouth dropped open. It took all of John’s resolve to keep from laughing. John watched as Principal Freeman turned and dashed out of his office. John waited until he was positive that Principal Freeman was far enough away from the office, and then rapidly climbed across a large branch to the real fire escape stairs. He jumped down onto the stairs and ran to the real fire escape door leading to the second floor of the school. Luckily, John had left the door slightly open the last time that he had used the exit.

  The door closed behind John just as Principal Freeman rushed out into the garden one floor below. John quickly made his way to the principal’s office and felt underneath Principal Freeman’s desk. His hand brushed across a secret compartment on the underside of the desk, and John grabbed the cabinet key that was hidden inside. He unlocked the cabinet and frantically sifted through the large drawers until he found what he was looking for: a large alarm clock that Principal Freeman used for his daily nap.

  Unbeknownst to the rest of the school, every day Principal Freeman would take a nap at 1:30 on a fold-up mat that he kept in his closet. Principal Freeman was very careful about his naptime ritual. He still slept with dolls, and he kept his favorite doll, Kisses, with him for his afternoon naps. Principal Freeman had been doing this ever since he was a little tattletale in Junior Kindergarten. Principal Freeman needed the alarm clock because as a child, if he slept for more than twenty minutes, he would wake up cranky. John made a mental note that at some later date, he wanted to sneak into Principal Freeman’s house and replace all of the pictures of Kisses with the copies of the grand prize photo that he had given to Caroline.

  John heard angry muttering and the twisting of the nozzle on the school’s high-pressure garden hose. He grabbed the alarm clock, locked the cabinet, and put the key back into the secret compartment. He took one look out the window and smiled as he watched Principal Freeman futilely struggle to wash away the red “PRINCIPAL FREEMAN’S FACE LOOKS LIKE A BABOON’S BUTT” that was now painted into his garden’s perfectly-mowed grass.

  First Principal Freeman tried focusing the water on one point, and when that didn’t work, he began running back and forth, trying to wash away all of the paint at once. The water suddenly stopped coming out of the hose, and Principal Freeman looked at the nozzle, wondering why. He realized that he was stepping on the hose and that the water pressure was building up behind it. Principal Freeman stepped off the hose, and a gush of water came shooting out of the nozzle and into his face, knocking him back and sending him careening ten feet through the air, where he landed in his prized petunias and rolled over a few times before coming to a stop. John loved every minute of it.

  John would have looked for his lollypops, but he knew that time was of the essence. John left the office and was about to make his way to the old staircase, when Principal Freeman’s water fiasco suddenly gave John a new idea. John checked his watch and decided that he was making good time and could afford to make a slight detour before meeting up with Dave.

  John ran to his locker to see if he had any balloons, but much to his dismay, he did not. He decided to improvise, and ran to the bathroom. Inside, he grabbed a handful of course paper towels. As the school refused to provide tissues, the kids often had to use the towels to blow their noses. The rough texture of the paper towel always ended up aggravating the students’ noses, but the school didn’t care. John had been the victim of an aggravated nose more than once. He decided that it was a good time to teach Principal Freeman a lesson and take some more revenge.

  John folded the paper towels into squares, and made little holes in the center of each one. He then put the paper towel squares under the sinks and turned on the faucets. The squares ballooned into makeshift water balloons, and the rough texture kept the squares from falling apart. John ran back to Principal Freeman’s office and climbed up the bookshelves along the wall. John carefully placed eight water squares on top of Principal Freeman’s ceiling fan, and then climbed back down and placed one more on Principal Freeman’s chair. John took one last look out the window at a still-struggling Principal Freeman, smiled, and then ran to the old staircase.

  Dave was already there, waiting nervously, holding an old boot, a hairball, and some popsicle sticks in one hand, and holding his nose closed with the other. Next to his feet, there was a large puddle of smelly old water dripping from the boot. Dave saw John and breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Sorry,” John said. “I had to make one unexpected stop before coming here.”

  “Good. I was starting to think that something had happened. Now what?”

  John inspected everything in Dave’s hands to make sure that Dave had not forgotten anything. John was pleasantly surprised to see that he had not. Then John noticed that the popsicle sticks were orange.

  “You got the orange popsicle sticks.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “So I told you I like raspberry.”

  “Who cares, it’s just an old stick. What difference does it make!?”

  “I thought you said you liked raspberry too.”

  “I do like raspberry, but when I got the sticks I wasn’t thinking about what flavor the ices used to be.”

  “Exactly, you weren’t thinking.”

  “You said get sticks! I got sticks!”

  “And you said you liked raspberry!”

  “I do like raspberry!”

  “Then why didn’t you get the raspberry sticks?!”

  Dave threw up his hands.

  “Fine, I’m sorry. Do you want me to go back and get the raspberry sticks?”

  John looked at his watch.

  “No, there’s no time. We have to get the final materials for my plan. But before I show you what I’m about to show you, you have to swear to me that you will never ever breathe a word of what you’re about to see to anyone.”

  “Not even to you?”

  “Of course you can talk about it with me. It’s my secret.”

  “Yeah, but you said to anyone.”

  “But I’m not anyone.”

  “Then are you no one?”

  “I’m going to smack you.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Do you swear?”

  “Yeah, I swear.”

  “Okay, good. What I’m about to show you has never been seen by human eyes—”

  “Not even your eyes?”

  “What?”

  “You just said it has never been seen by human eyes, so how do you know about it?”

  John smacked Dave.

  “Ow. Sorry.”

  John cleared his throat.

  “Now, where was I? Oh yes. What I am about to show you has never been seen by human eyes.”

  John led Dave up the stairs, under the “DO NOT CROSS” tape on the second floor, and up to the third floor. John was blocking Dave’s view. John paused for dramatic effect, and then with a wave of his arm he said, “I give you, the Rubber Cave!” and stepped aside.

  Dave gasped.

  Somewhere, two floors down, through the halls, out the emergency fire escape door that wasn’t really an emergency fire escape door, and across the garden, an exasperated Principal Freeman gave up and groaned.

  Dave’s excitement quickly faded.

  “Umm, John … what exactly am I looking at?” he asked.

  John was as giddy as could be.

  “Dave, I present to you the Rubber Cave – the ultimate superhero secret hideout!”

  Dave coughed lightly, shuffled his feet, and stared uncomfortably at the ground.

  “John, it’s just a tiny alcove leading to the roof.”

  The old staircase had been off-limits since long before Dave had ever stepped foot in Ohrno Elementary. This was Dave’s first time ever being up here. Frankly, he was expecting more. Apparently, the entire off-limits area consisted of a small staircase leading to a tiny ten foot by ten foot alcove filled with broken old
chairs, desks, and other damaged school equipment. There was also a door exiting to the roof. The roof was probably off-limits as well. Dave had occasionally seen the janitor on the roof from time to time, but other than that, he could not think of anybody else who had ever been up there.

  John was beaming.

  “But that’s what makes it so perfect! It’s so unassuming. For example, imagine if you came up here and there was a giant screen, lots of computers, fancy equipment, a giant penny, and a mechanical dinosaur. Not only would you touch everything, but you would know in a second that it was some sort of ultimate base. But if there was nothing here but filthy broken chairs and desks, then you’d leave without checking around. Trust me, Dave, there have been many other kids who have come up here, but because it’s just a tiny alcove, nobody has ever discovered my secret.”

  Now Dave was interested.

  “What secret?”

  John’s smile got even wider. He walked over to the upper left corner, moved away some ancient air conditioning screens covered with at least twenty years worth of dust, and pulled out a large cardboard box. Written on the side was a warning:

  “John, I think you spelled mean wrong.”

  Ignoring him, John delicately opened up the box, and with loving care, pulled out a paper plate, a towel, and a fanny pack. For the second time, Dave’s interest quickly dulled.

  “Okay, I have to ask. Why are you holding a paper plate, your mother’s yellow bath towel with the pink poke dots, and your grandmother’s belly pouch?”

  John shook his head.

  “Dave, Dave, Dave … these are not mere household items. What you’re looking at is the world’s first true ultimate superhero costume!”

  “A superhero costume?” Dave said sarcastically. “How is that a costume?”

  John turned his back to Dave and proceeded to snap the fanny pack around his waist, affix the plate over his face, and tie the towel in front of his neck, which he then heroically swung around his back like a cape. The plate had two cut-out eye holes, a mouth hole, and two small holes on the side with a rubber band going through them, which allowed John to hold the mask in place over his face. John dramatically whirled around.

  “Introducing, the wonderful, amazing, stupendous … Rubberband Boy!”

  Dave started to giggle. “Rubberband Boy? If anything it’s more like Mother’s Towel Boy. What’s your power? Do you dry people off after they get wet?”

  John, ignoring him, put his hands on his waist and stuck out his chest.

  “Yes, Rubberband Boy, the triumpher of evil, the vanquisher of misdeeds, the—”

  “I don’t think triumpher is a word,” Dave said, interrupting him.

  John lowered his head and looked momentarily deflated but quickly bounced back up.

  “No, no it is not. But nonetheless, it is I, and I am it. Introducing, Rubberband Boy, the triumpher of evil, trademark pending!”

  Dave examined the costume and scratched his head.

  “Umm … so what makes you Rubberband Boy?” Dave asked cynically.

  In immediate response, John unzipped the fanny pack, pulled out a handful of rubber bands, and unleashed a whizzing barrage at Dave’s head. Dave shrieked like a girl and ducked into the pile of broken desks for cover. John once again put his hands on his waist, puffed out his chest even more than before, and followed with a haughty laugh.

  “Ho ho ho, none dare stand in the way of the mighty Rubberband Boy!”

  Dave popped out his head, only to be smacked in the face with a rubber band. He ducked back inside, and again when he popped out, was immediately greeted with a rubber band to the forehead. Dave waited a little while longer.

  “Can I come out yet?”

  “Do you apologize for doubting the power of Rubberband Boy?”

  “Yes.”

  “Say it.”

  “Say what?”

  “Say you’re sorry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “And …?”

  “And what?”

  “And you’re a namby-pamby wimp who likes to cook and wear dresses.”

  “I’m not saying that!” Dave cried out as he lifted his head from the desks. John snagged him with three more stinging rubber bands. Dave ducked back inside.

  “And I’m a namby-pamby wimp who likes to cook and wear dresses.”

  John didn’t say anything. Dave waited a little bit and then slowly peeked at John. There were no rubber bands. Dave slowly crawled out from behind the broken desks. He rubbed his stinging face, which was now covered with various red spots. Apparently John was an excellent marksman.

  “What did you do that for?” Dave asked, glaring at John.

  John lifted the paper plate above his face and glared back.

  “What did you make fun of my costume for?”

  Dave’s face suddenly lit up.

  “Ohhhhhhhhhh, was this what you were doing in that notebook of yours last year that you tried to keep secret from me? Were you coming up with all of this?” Dave asked with a smirk.

  John smirked right back.

  “You want to talk about secret notebooks? How about that pink one that I see you scribbling in all the time, hmm? Care to tell me about a new soufflé, or how to make salmon croquettes?”

  “I don’t know how to make salmon croquettes; I only have recipes for—” Dave stopped mid-sentence as John looked at him amusingly. “Never mind that. Is all forgiven?”

  “Yes, my young friend. All is forgiven.”

  “So, umm, how many rubber bands do you have in there?” Dave asked as he tried to get a better look inside the fanny pack.

  John simpered and began to count.

  “1 … 2 … 3 … 4 …”

  “Cut that out. Give me an estimate.”

  John folded his arms.

  “A hero never reveals his secrets.”

  “Right, a hero. So let me get this straight. You’re Rubberband Boy?”

  “Yup.”

  “And this is the Rubber Cave?”

  “That’s right.”

  “And you’ve had this stuff here for how long?”

  “Since last summer.”

  “And why, might I ask?”

  John smiled.

  “Because, my simple friend, last year Principal Freeman installed hidden cameras throughout the school, and I, being the hero that I am, can’t afford to have my brilliant escapades caught on camera.”

  John coughed and said very quietly, “Especially not after Principal Freeman threatened to send me to boarding school.”

  Dave cupped his hand around his ear.

  “What was that last part?”

  John once again laughed his fake superhero laugh.

  “Ha ha ha, nothing my fellow comrade. Now, let us depart on our quest for glory and immortality in the annals of Ohrno Elementary.”

  John began to rush past Dave, but Dave quickly clamped a hand down on John’s shoulder.

  “Wait a minute! What about me?”

  “What about you?”

  “Well, I can’t get caught on camera. My parents would ground me until I was sixty!”

  John raised an eyebrow and looked at Dave.

  “Why sixty?”

  “I don’t know, why not sixty?”

  “Well why not eighteen or twenty-one?”

  “I don’t know. I just picked a number.”

  “That’s a weird number to pick.”

  “Fine, I picked a weird number! Are you happy now?”

  “Yes, as a matter of fact I am.”

  Dave rubbed his forehead in pain.

  “John, I’m starting to understand why Principal Freeman doesn’t like you. Anyway, what am I going to do about the cameras?”

  John thought for a minute, and then went over to his box. He pulled out a second paper plate, and quickly poked some holes through it.

  “There,” he said, handing it to Dave. “You can have my backup mask.”

  John turned and started to go. Again, Dave stoppe
d him.

  “Not so fast. What’s my name?”

  John looked at him with a funny expression.

  “Your name is Dave.”

  Dave looked exacerbated.

  “No, I mean what’s my superhero name?”

  “Why should you get a superhero name? You’re not a superhero.”

  “Neither are you.”

  “Of course I’m a superhero. I’m the famed Rubberband Boy!”

  “Famed? Nobody has ever heard of you until a second ago, and even now, the only person who has ever heard of you is me!”

  John pretended to be sad. His started to make whimpering puppy dog sounds. Dave snorted.

  “Oh, don’t give me the old fake puppy dog sounds. That may work on your mother, but it’s not going to work on me.”

  John bobbled his head defiantly and put his hands on his hips.

  “It doesn’t work on my mother either. Fine, baby. You could be …”

  John looked around the room.

  “… Dirty Air Conditioning Boy!” he said with a pleased look on his face.

  Dave folded his arms and stared angrily at John. John removed the amused look.

  “Fine, fine. Not Dirty Air Conditioning Boy.”

  John looked down and saw an old box of paper clips lying among the broken chairs. He looked up at the paper clip holding Dave’s broken glasses together.

  “How about, Clip Kid?”

  “Clip Kid?”

  John picked up the box of clips and handed it to Dave.

  “Yeah, Rubberband Boy and Clip Kid. It has a nice ring to it.”

  Dave looked down at the box.

  “Why can’t I be Clip Man?”

  John let out a third laugh.

  “Because a Boy hero can’t have a Man for his sidekick. It just doesn’t sound right. The sidekick must always be secondary to the main hero!”

  “Well then why can’t I be Clip Boy?”

  “Boy? You want to be Clip Boy? There can’t be two Boys. It’s unnatural. A hero and his sidekick must always be of two different nouns. If I’m Rubberband Boy, you can’t also be a Boy.”