The Amazing Magnificent Stupendous Incredible Outstanding Unbeatable Exceptional (and Humble) Rubberband Boy

by Jonathan Neuman

  “I have never been so happy to see the detention hall,” he said, but just as he was about to turn the doorknob, John tackled him from behind.

  Dave angrily pushed him off.

  “Hey, what did you do that for?!”

  John quickly put his finger to his mouth to tell Dave to be quiet, and then he slowly lifted his head to peer through the door’s window, and swallowed.

  “Dave, I don’t think you should relax just yet.”

  Dave followed John’s lead, lifting his head and looking through the door. Inside was a row of kids. Each kid’s skin was colorless just like Happy Jack’s, and their eyes were all staring blankly into space. Mr. Lich was standing before one of the boys and he placed his hand on top of the boy’s head. Mr. Lich closed his eyes and John and Dave watched as the boy’s skin was drained of all color. As the boy lost color, Mr. Lich gained color. Dave’s face turned ashen, and he slumped to the floor and started shaking again.

  Realization finally sank in. John gulped and whispered in a hushed voice, “No, Dave, I don’t think Happy Jack ate Mr. Lich’s brains, I think Mr. Lich ate Happy Jack’s brains. And now he’s doing it to our friends. He’s turning them into zombies!”

  Somewhere down the hall, Happy Jack groaned a low, deep zombie groan.

  John was still peering inside the room watching the scene, partly in horror and partly in fascination, when he felt a tug on his left sleeve. He looked down to see Dave on the floor with his mask off, looking off to the side and mindlessly tugging on John’s shirt. Dave’s face was greenish and covered in perspiration.

  “John,” he started to say, breathing heavily. “We’ve got to run away. We’ve got to go get help.”

  John sat down next to Dave, pulled off his mask, and looked Dave in the eyes. John had a very concerned look on his face that Dave had never seen before. John knew what had to be done, and he knew that Dave wouldn’t like it. Superhero or not, the only chance their friends had was for John and Dave to do something heroic. Years of annoying teachers and getting them to quit – years of finely tuning his life’s passion – it was finally culminating in the ultimate test. This is what John was here for. This is what he had unwittingly prepared for these past four years.

  “Dave …” John stopped and sighed deeply. He took a breath and tried again. “Those kids in there … they’re … they’re our friends …” John paused. “Or most of them anyway.”

  John shook his head and got serious again. “You and I … we knew. We knew right away that there was something odd about Baldini and his little teacher’s pet. Remember the laugh? He’s evil, Dave. Pure evil.”

  John put his finger on his chin and looked up in pensive thought. “Well, come to think of it, most of our teachers are evil, but this one is really evil. And if we don’t go in there now … if we leave and go for help … who knows what those two monsters will do. I know you’re scared, but we can do this. Me and you. I need you buddy.”

  John gave Dave a sheepish grin. “Plus, when’s the last time you got to punish a teacher with detention?”

  Dave didn’t smile and he didn’t look up. Instead, focusing on his sneakers, he said quietly, “I’m sorry John, I … I just can’t. I’m not like you. I’m not strong enough.”

  John opened his mouth to reply, but held his tongue. John smiled and nodded understandingly. He put a hand on Dave’s shoulder.

  “Okay. Let’s get you out of here. You go for help and I’ll try to hold off Baldini until help arrives.”

  Dave looked up at John, tears welling up in his eyes.

  “You mean it? You’re not mad?”

  John laughed.

  “No, of course not. Come on, let’s get you up.”

  A look of relief spread across Dave’s face. He stood up and enthusiastically turned around, only to bury his face into something big and mushy. Dave reached around and squeezed the back side of whatever it was that he had bumped into. It felt squishy and lumpy. He unpeeled his face and looked at the floor. He noticed boots. As he slowly looked up, he noticed a plaid shirt and suspenders. Dave began to quiver as he reached the face.

  “ZOMBIE HAPPY JACK!” he yelled. John grabbed Dave’s collar and yanked him back just as Happy Jack lunged his arms forward in a clumsy attempt to grab Dave. John had already put his mask back on and quickly shoved Dave’s mask back over his face as well. The commotion captured the attention of Baldini, who called out “What’s going on out there?!”

  Baldini’s looming shadow edged closer to the door. The boys started to run away from Happy Jack, but didn’t get too far. On each side of the classroom, Happy Jack had created an impenetrable wall of zombie slime that blocked their path. Each wall went from the floor up to ceiling, completely preventing anything from passing. John skidded short and pulled Dave back toward the classroom.

  “Sorry buddy, I know you don’t want to, but it looks like Happy Jack made the decision for us.”

  John fired off a number of rubber bands at Happy Jack and then flung open the door to the detention room. He jumped inside in a firing position, rubber band around his fingers. Dave followed, and slammed the door behind him. The door crashed into an advancing Happy Jack, sending the sad excuse for a zombie sprawling backward into the hall. John had the rubber band aimed directly at Baldini’s face.

  “Halt you no-good, nefarious … umm … nasty … no wait … uh … no-good … already used that one … umm … nerdy … uh … well you get the idea!” John announced in his most heroic voice possible.

  There was no response from any of the zombified kids. Baldini’s tiny student stared at John with a wry look on his face. Baldini just threw his head back and laughed.

  “And what are you supposed to be?” he asked.

  John beamed but then frowned. He made a mental note to himself that nobody could see his facial expressions because the paper plate completely covered his face, and the holes were too small to show anything. John resolved to figure out a solution before the next adventure. Then John made a second note to himself that he made too many mental notes and that he should make less in the future.

  “It is I, Rubberband Boy! And my trusty sidekick, Clip Kid!”

  Dave weakly held up one hand and meekly said “Hi.” Baldini laughed even harder.

  “Rubberband Boy and Clip Kid? What, no Staple Lad?” Baldini and his tiny student were both rolling with laughter.

  John snapped his fingers in regret, and whispered “Darn. Staple Lad. Why didn’t I think of that?”

  “I told you they were stupid names,” Dave muttered to John.

  John turned to Baldini and replied “Oh yeah? Well I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”

  Baldini smirked. “Ah, such utter stupidity could only come from the free-thinking mind of a juvenile child. How I utterly despise such inanity. Wouldn’t you agree Lich?”

  “Lich?” John and Dave asked in unison. “They have the same name?”

  The little kid shook his head up and down in agreement. Baldini continued.

  “And I know just how to take care of such childishness, don’t I, Lich?”

  Again, Lich nodded yes.

  John had made up his mind. Yup. There was definitely something weird about that kid.

  “Clip Kid, I’ve come to my conclusion. There is definitely something weird about that kid.”

  Dave turned to John to give him an incredulous stare for pointing out the obvious, but realized that John couldn’t see his expression anyway because the paper plate was covering his face. Dave made a mental note to mention it to John so that John could fix it before the next adventure. Then he made a second note to himself that he didn’t make enough mental notes and that he should make more in the future.

  Baldini turned toward the window and opened his mouth, revealing his disgusting brown teeth. Then something odd started to happen. John took a step back and braced himself. The moonlight outside suddenly flooded in through the window, enveloping Baldini. As the
light landed on his shiny skull, Baldini’s teeth became more yellow, until they were so yellow that they were glowing. It was almost as if Baldini was sucking in and absorbing the moonlight, like some sort of lunar powered battery.

  Baldini looked at John and smiled evilly. John fired off some rubber bands in Baldini’s direction, but a shield of moonlight energy suddenly rose up in front of Baldini, deflecting them. John and Dave gasped and took a step back. Baldini then tilted his head at a funny angle, causing the moonlight to reflect off of his shiny head and envelop John in its unnatural glow. Lich was sitting on the table in the front of the classroom, his teeth hanging out over his lower lip, drooling with glee.

  As the light enveloped him, John felt weak, and he could no longer control his arms or legs. His brain told him to fire off some rubber bands, but his hands would not respond. John collapsed onto the floor as the light continued to seep into his body. Although he could barely focus, John suddenly heard a worried kid crying out about the light. “Dave …” he called out weakly.

  But it wasn’t Dave talking. It was Lich.

  “Master, hrrr hrrr hrrr. The light! It’s disappearing!”

  Lich was pointing out the window toward the moon, which was suddenly disappearing behind the Earth’s shadow. Baldini’s face wrinkled in deep concentration.

  “It is of no matter,” he said. “The moon served its purpose. I am almost there. I can absorb what little more I need from the light bulbs; it will just take a little more effort. Be prepared to take control of him.”

  John felt all of his willpower slowly slipping away. He made a last ditch attempt to fire off a rubber band, but it just fell weakly from his fingers. His eyes closed and his head gently eased onto the floor. This is it, he thought to himself. He had failed. He was going to become a zombie. The one time that his friends needed him most, and he was powerless to do anything. He smiled a bitter smile. Finally, a teacher had bested him.

  John found himself surprisingly content. He felt very comfortable. It was like he was lying in a bathtub filled with whipped cream and strawberries and he was eating his way out. Everything was peaceful and quiet. There was no noise. John felt extreme euphoria, and decided that he didn’t want to go back. This is where he was happy.

  In the real world, Baldini and Lich were cackling with delight as a frightened Dave hovered over John.

  “Yes, he’s slipping! I almost have him—”

  Suddenly, John felt the sensation change. It wasn’t painful, but it was definitely different. It felt like his entire body was starting to droop, as if it had abruptly lost all tightness. John wasn’t moving, but it seemed like his arms, legs, stomach, and face were all slowly moving closer to the ground. It was as if his body was melting into a puddle; as if he were some kind of oozing blob. John struggled to pick up his arms, but the more he lifted them, the lower they drooped.

  John looked down to see what was happening, but he couldn’t see it; he could only feel it. Then, all of a sudden, the silence disappeared. Suddenly there was shouting all around him. John tried to listen, but he couldn’t make out any of the words. Somebody was shaking him back and forth, trying to talk to him, but his ears couldn’t hear. He opened his eyes again, but he still couldn’t see.

  Shapes started to take tenuous form. Then realization sunk in. It wasn’t that his eyes weren’t working, it was that there was no light. John’s head shot up, but immediately fell backward like a slinky. John focused all of his concentration on trying to sort out the various voices.

  Apparently, it was Dave shaking him.

  “John! John! Are you ok?! The lights! They went out! The plan worked! John, can you hear me?!”

  John struggled to sit upright without toppling back over. It was difficult to talk, but he forced the words out.

  “Stop screaming,” he said. “I’m okay. And don’t call me John,” he whispered. “It’s Rubberband Boy. Now help me up.”

  Dave supported John and helped him get to his feet. Somewhere in the background, Baldini was yelling about the lights and screaming at Lich to find the boys.

  “What happened?! I was so close?! What happened to the light?!” he bellowed.

  Dave was dragging John across the room. Dave found it hard to hold onto John. It was almost as if John was not quite so solid anymore. Plus, it felt as if John’s shoulders were much higher than Dave remembered, which was odd since the two of them were the same height.

  Suddenly, the lights turned on. Darn, John thought to himself. Somebody had realized about the master switch faster than he had anticipated. John heard Dave gasp. John looked down and asked “What’s wrong?” and then gasped himself as he realized that Dave was suddenly four feet shorter than him. The sudden shock caused John to instantaneously contract and shrink back down to normal height. Dave’s mouth was wide open.

  “How did you do that?!”

  John looked shocked and surprised.

  “I … I don’t know.”

  Across the room, an irate Baldini yelled out, “Attack!”

  Both boys turned in that direction. Lich was waving his hands like he was conducting an orchestra. As Lich raised his right arm, the zombified kids raised their right arms. The zombified kids were all holding something. John looked closer at their hands. They were holding fistfuls of zombie mucus. Lich threw his arm forward, and the zombified kids followed suit as they began hurling blobs of mucus at John and Dave. It looked similar to Happy Jack’s slime, but it was bright green instead of orange. John shoved Dave out of the way and quickly fired some rubber bands at the mucus projectiles, but the globs melted the rubber bands and continued hurtling toward him.

  “Uh oh, that can’t be good.”

  John was unsure of what to do, but his body suddenly took on a mind of its own. As the caustic mucus whizzed toward him, his body elongated and stretched like a rubber band, bobbing and weaving as it avoided the projectiles.

  John and Dave turned to each other, eyes wide and with big grins on their faces.

  “Awesome!” they said together.

  Another blob came at John. He dodged right and yelled out, “Missed me missed me, now you’ve got to kiss me!”

  Another blob. John snaked back left, and waved his index finger back and forth.

  “Uh uh. First you have to brush your yucky zombie teeth before I let you kiss me goodnight.”

  John’s body was now contorted and he looked like a giant version of the letter “S”. His head swooped left and under an incoming blob, and then stretched back across the middle. His legs extended and propelled him upward like an archway as a glob went through his legs, and then he contracted back down as another one came whizzing over his left shoulder. His neck de-solidified and oozed backward, upside-down, his head popping back up under his legs, as another glob just barely missed his lips.

  “Hey! Boundaries! On the cheek! On the cheek!”

  Dave was looking on in enjoyment, not really sure what he was supposed to be doing. It was okay, though, because everybody was ignoring him anyway. He sat down in one of the chairs and kicked up his legs on the desk. He reached inside the desk and found a comic book, which he started reading. On the other side of the room, Baldini was yelling at the zombies to “squash the insect like a bug.” Lich was furiously waving his arms in every direction. Lich was so careless that he accidentally hit into Baldini, who growled, “Idiot!” and pushed him away.

  John turned to Dave.

  “Hey, Clip Kid, isn’t an insect the same thing as a bug? So if you squashed an insect, wouldn’t that automatically be like squashing a bug?”

  “Maybe that’s why he teaches Social Studies and not English or Science,” Dave retorted as he turned the page.

  Baldini howled in fury at the slight. He pushed aside one of the zombie kids and shouted, “Give me that!” as he grabbed a ball of mucus. He hurled the huge glob straight at John, who was in too awkward of a position to avoid it. Dave gasped in horror and put his hands to his mouth, but as the glob reached him, John�
�s body involuntarily parted and split down the middle, forming a large circular hole where his torso used to be. The glob sailed right through and splattered harmlessly against the wall.

  “Three points!” John exclaimed as he threw both arms up.

  He turned to Dave and said, “That’s a football reference.”

  Dave folded his arms over his chest.

  “I know what a field goal is,” he said crossly.

  “Just making sure.”

  John’s stomach came back together and then he unraveled and contracted back to normal. He procured a multitude of rubber bands from his pouch and fired them at the zombie kids. As they left his hands, the rubber bands absorbed rubber from John’s fingers and they expanded to tremendous lengths. As they made contact with the zombie children, the elongated rubber bands flipped over and wrapped around, ensnaring the children with double and triple loops, similar to what John had done with the security camera earlier. The rubber bands constricted as they coiled around, knocking the zombie kids off balance and onto the floor, immobilizing them.

  “Whoa!” exclaimed Dave, who had fallen backward off the chair and had been hiding behind a desk. John momentarily turned and grinned. Then he remembered that Dave couldn’t see him, but figured that Dave was smiling back.

  “That’s awesome!” Dave said.

  “Yeah, but imagine the job that the janitor is going to have cleaning this place up. He’ll definitely be earning that million dollars tonight.”

  John fired some rubber bands at Baldini and Lich, but right before the bands reached their intended targets, Baldini’s pesky energy shield popped up again, deflecting the rubber bands harmlessly away. There were only a few zombies still standing, and Lich, refusing to give up, continued to make them throw their mucus globs at John. John curled up into a ball and bounced off the floor to the wall, off the wall to the desks, off the desks to the other side of the room, back off the wall, back off another desk, and then off the ceiling as he avoided each incoming glob of zombie sludge and volleyed back some rubber bands in return. Every time the zombies tried to advance, John would fire an elongated rubber band, knocking them back into the wall. Soon all of the zombie kids were incapacitated and tied up on the floor.