Their Troublesome Crush

by Xan West

  It had been so long since he had a crush like this, had been on a first date like this. It wasn’t like it happened very often. He’d forgotten how flustered he got, how overwhelming it was, how much he wanted and was grumpy about wanting. It didn’t sit comfortably on him, got him all tangled when he finally sorted through the confusion, and this had been way more confusion than anyone else had caused, except Gideon. Was it going to be like that again? Fuck, he had no idea what it was going to be like, did he, because this was brand spanking new.

  Ernest grabbed his favorite fidget toy from the bowl on the table next to him and began to rock, not even trying to be slow with the fidget, staring at the screen intently. Peter Lorre was going to appear soon, and he didn’t want to miss it.

  The rocking helped, so did the fidget, and the movie. He decided to eat a fruit slice. The burst of lemon in his mouth was awesome, and he grinned. Damn, he loved this movie.

  “Who is that?” Nora murmured. Oh, right. This was the first time she was seeing this.

  “That’s Effie.”

  “I like her.”

  Ernest grinned. “Gideon always talks about how she has the best chemistry with Sam.”

  “Does he, now?”

  “Yup. Though Gutman and Wilmer are also a favorite ship of his.”

  “What if…we asked people to dress up as the characters?”

  Ernest paused the movie.

  “That’s brilliant! Everyone is a spectacle, so nobody will stare at him too long. Plus, we can say that’s the present he wants, so we don’t have to do a present opening thing that puts the spotlight on him.”

  Ernest had confirmed with Gideon that Nora knew about his depression, so they had begun openly strategizing about ways to make a party work, as Gideon often had depression flares around his birthday. It was no easy task, trying to create a birthday celebration that didn’t put too much pressure on Gideon, and especially didn’t set up an expectation of performing joy or being the center of attention. Nora and Ernest had made it a daytime party, and rather short, around tea time, and gone for snacks instead of a meal, so there would be less chatting, and people would leave to go have dinner.

  “Yes, I love it. This might be the right movie, Ernest. Who do you think Gideon would dress up as?”

  “Sam Spade, of course. He already was him for Halloween a few years ago.”

  “So his surly mood would fit in perfectly. Nobody would ever expect Bogart to act cheerful.”

  Ernest grinned. “Who would you be?”

  “Effie, of course. I have a dress that would work. It is kind of short notice to ask for costumes, though.”

  “Honestly, anything that helps people self-select out is a good thing,” Ernest said.

  “Ok, so then let’s start with a smallish guest list, and hope that the late notice makes it even smaller. Once we are done watching the movie, so we are sure this is the way to go, we can make the invite, and send it tonight.”

  “Perfect.”

  “Ernest?”

  “Yes, Nora?”

  “You okay over there?”

  “I’m…finding my sea legs. New waters, after all. It will probably take a bit. That’s part of being demiro, for me.”

  “Okay. I’m inclined to match pace with you on the romance aspect, then. For now, I am thinking of the kink and the romance on two separate tracks, in my head. They can each have their own pace. What do you think? Does that sound like a way to make a good beginning, with this?”

  Ernest took a slow breath. He hadn’t known how much he needed to hear that until she’d said it.

  “Yes, that sounds really good, Nora. That’s how I think of it too. And matching pace…that takes the pressure off. I…I’m grateful for that.”

  “Taking the pressure off sounds really good to me, too, Ernest. There’s no one right way with romance, any more than there is with kink. We are creating this for ourselves.”

  “Like Harold?”

  “Harold?”

  “You know, with the purple crayon?”

  Nora smiled. “I don’t know, actually.”

  “Oh. I do this a lot, reference things. It’s how my brain works. Harold and the Purple Crayon is one of my favorite picture books.”

  “Okay. Maybe you can read it to me, later.”

  Ernest grinned. “Absolutely.” Then he restarted the movie.

  Sunday, May 8, 2011

  It was Gideon’s birthday (observed) and Ernest was trying not to spill his excitement all over Gideon, who was in a rather grumpy mood. They’d gone to Gideon’s blood family on Friday (his actual thirty-sixth birthday), which had included way too much fucking misgendering and general awfulness from Gideon’s father. Gideon was, as usual, still dealing with a depression flare a couple days later, the day they were planning to celebrate his birthday with his queer chosen family. He’d used his D/s safeword yesterday morning when the flare was in full force, and the safeword was still in effect. Ernest wasn’t surprised; he was glad Gideon didn’t feel like he had to be in Daddy mode when he was dealing with depression. It was better for them both to take a break.

  Gideon had set the date of the chosen family celebration after his birthday again. It had puzzled Ernest the first time he’d done that. Why set it when he was likely to feel awful? Why not have it beforehand so he could actually enjoy it? Gideon had explained that chosen family was the only thing that really helped balance the awfulness of his blood family, and if he had a fun celebration beforehand, his blood family celebration would hit him even harder. It made Ernest’s heart ache, but he got it. (And was quietly relieved that he was estranged from his blood family and didn’t have to deal with these kinds of balancing acts.)

  The party would help Gideon feel less alone, and remind him there were people in his life who did value him and see him for who he was. Nora would get here soon. It had been a couple weeks since he’d seen her, because spring break had ended and she had been swamped at work. They’d texted every day and talked on the phone a couple times, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her. They’d slowly been doing kink negotiation, but hadn’t set a date to play yet. He’d thought Gideon might really appreciate having the apartment to himself after the party, so they’d made tentative plans to go out to eat afterwards. Another romantic date.

  Ernest was waiting until the last minute to get dressed up as the gunsel, Wilmer Cook. He had things to see to, and one of them was moving Gideon’s favorite chair from their bedroom into the corner of the living room, so Gideon could sit in it during the party and didn’t need to navigate people next to him. Shiloh helped him move the chair. Ze had brought over lunch, and was being so helpful. Ze was dressed as Kasper Gutman, of course, and could totally give Sydney Greenstreet a run for his money. Ze had the voice down, too. It was awesome.

  Shiloh was cleaning the bathroom, and would be greeting and letting people in. Judith was grabbing lunch with Blaze, who she was bringing to the party, as promised. They’d be bringing back beverages, so he didn’t need to think about those. Nora was bringing the cupcakes. He needed to start putting out the snacks that weren’t perishable. He’d gotten a bunch of mini candy things that were individually wrapped, including the Junior Mints that Gideon favored, so he put those in several bowls scattered around the room. He poured nuts and pretzels into bowls, put out the macaroons leftover from Pesach, and put some mini corn dogs in the oven. Then he buzzed Nora in.

  After they’d watched The Maltese Falcon, she had declared that Effie was her favorite character in the movie, and she was definitely going to be dressing as her. Wow, did she deliver on that. Nora was Effie to a T, and it was spectacular, even if he missed her real hair under that blonde wig. She just floored him in this costume, all tailored and no-nonsense. He led her into the kitchen, just in time to take the corn dogs out. They smelled amazing.

  “I am looking forward to having some of those,” she said, grinning at him. “Where’s Bogey?”

  “He’s napping, gotta wake him in forty-five
minutes.”

  “Hmm. Napping, eh?”

  “Yeah. He’s having a hard day. Well, yesterday too. He told you, right?”

  “Yes, he texted, said no D/s, and to distract people from him during the party.”

  “Yup, that’s the plan.”

  Now that she’d put down the cupcakes, she opened her arms. He might have clung just a bit, appreciating how solid she felt, how certain. He’d been having trouble holding it together all day. It was good to be in her arms, have her squeeze him tight.

  “Honestly, Nora, I’m having a hard time staying calm, focusing. It’s hard to do this today without D/s anchoring me, y’know? I don’t usually have this much trouble.”

  “Maybe we can figure out something else to anchor you, help you be calm. What’s helped before?”

  “Um. My weighted blanket. Being squeezed tight. Digging my boots into the ground. Squeezing a stone. Bondage.”

  “So, basically, compression? Pressure on your body, you pressing into things or holding them tight, that kind of thing?”

  Ernest blinked. She got it. “Yeah, it’s a sensory thing.”

  “Well, it’s hard to be at the party and be under your weighted blanket at the same time, I think. Though you certainly could do it before the party. Is there something that could work for during the party?”

  “Hmm. I could stim, and maybe have my weighted stuffie out here, but it wouldn’t help while I was moving around and doing stuff. The only thing that’s helped for that has been bondage.”

  “I remember you telling me about wearing a chest harness in a loud crowded place and it helping.”

  Ernest ducked his head. “Yeah.”

  “Ernest, are you asking me to put a chest harness on you?”

  “Um. Well. I hadn’t intended to ask. I hadn’t even considered doing that today.”

  “Ah, okay. From other bottoms, I’d think they were hinting.”

  “Oh. No, I don’t hint, generally, because I’m terrible at it.”

  She smiled at him. “So, is that something you want, Ernest? Not like a scene, just to help you be calm.”

  “Um. I’m not sure. I want to think about it, if that’s okay?”

  “Of course that’s okay. I will think on it as well. Now, tell me what you need me to do.”

  “Oh, if you could chop veggies and arrange them on this platter, that would help.”

  “I can definitely do that.”

  “I’m going to go take a shower then, if that’s okay. Shiloh is here, and in charge of letting people in, greeting them, taking their coats and stuff, so you don’t need to worry about that. And we have over an hour before anyone’s due. After I take my shower, I’ll wake Gideon to take his. He’s sleeping in Judith’s room, where it’s nice and dark.”

  “Sounds good. Take your time. Maybe the pressure of the water will help.”

  That was actually a good point. Ernest decided to take a longish shower, and not worry about the hot water so much. Gideon would take a while to get out of bed once he woke, anyway. By the time he made it to the shower, there should be more hot water. The water beating on his back felt really good, and he started singing “When You’re Home,” probably because he’d been listening to the soundtrack while he was getting the food ready. Singing felt really good, so he went through his usual getting ready medley, which included “Take Back Your Mink” and “Razzle-Dazzle,” and wrapped up with “I Am Changing.”

  By the time he’d gotten out of the shower he felt much more himself. He pulled on his robe, grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge, and went in to wake Gideon.

  “I come bearing caffeine and sugar,” he said, after nudging him awake. “How about you sit up and have some before your shower.”

  Gideon groaned. “Do I have to?”

  “No,” Ernest said. “We can have your birthday party while you sleep, if that’s what you need. But I do think that you might be sad you missed it. Nora’s here, and she’s dressed as Effie, you know.”

  “Effie, eh? I do like Effie. Her and Sam have a certain something. It’s kinda like D/s.”

  “Effie is her favorite character in the movie.”

  “I didn’t know. Well, I don’t want to miss seeing that, I guess. Can I be grumpy about it?”

  “It’s your party, you can grump all you want to.”

  Gideon groaned, but he did sit up and take the soda. “No need to babysit me, go get ready yourself.”

  “I’m on it.”

  Ernest did need to comb his hair quickly before it dried. So he did that first, thinking about the bondage question. He’d been dreaming about Nora tying him up. Sure, it might help today, but it wouldn’t be a proper scene. He wasn’t sure he wanted the first time she tied him up to be like that. He wasn’t even sure he was ready for her to tie him up yet. He was enjoying the anticipation part. He kinda wanted to savor that a bit longer. Well then, that was clear. He did think, though, that he would like to sit next to her and hold hands during the movie. That would be very nice. They could go at their own pace, on the romance track, and on the kink track.

  Ernest got dressed, and made sure that Gideon actually got into the shower. Nora had followed his list, and done the prep that was left, so they sat next to each other on the couch, and he told her what he’d been thinking. Turned out she had a similar train of thought, though she did want to make a bondage date with him for the end of the month. Since that seemed like plenty of anticipation, he got out his phone and they blocked off the time, a whole afternoon and evening at her place, with plenty of time for aftercare before he headed home.

  People started trickling in, and the apartment began to fill with chatter and laughter. Gideon took his place in the corner, and people came to him one by one, like he was the monarch who needed greeting. Ernest’s chair plan was working! Nobody stayed too long because the only thing close by was an ottoman near his feet that wasn’t particularly comfortable to sit on.

  Mostly, they gathered by the food, the majority of which was strategically placed in another part of the room. Ernest bustled about, making sure things were just so, taking brief moments with each set of folks soon after they arrived. He introduced Nora to VJ, who wasn’t wearing a costume, and to Irene, who was dressed dramatically as Iva Archer and was sitting at VJ’s feet. Then he just sat watching Irene do her thing where she drew someone new out and learned tons about them without revealing basically anything about herself, while simultaneously deflecting attention from VJ, who rarely wanted it. She was a really good girl, Ernest thought. He was glad he got to watch her serve; he learned so much from her.

  By the time they were ready to start the movie, Ernest had declared the party a success in his mind. Everyone was so focused on teasing Judith and Blaze, and admiring each other’s costumes, that they hadn’t been focused on Gideon much at all. Then Judith spotted him and Nora holding hands during the movie and started nudging people to look how cute they were, and he knew he was going to get a huge round of teasing himself when the movie wrapped up. Gideon wasn’t a fan of talking during movies, so people were mostly whispering, and it was so nice to just be there, surrounded by family, with Nora right next to him, his hand in hers. Gideon looked a bit less grumpy, at least around the mouth, and he was glad. Plus, he had taken two cupcakes, and asked Ernest to set aside a lemon one and a double chocolate for later. So they had definitely chosen the right birthday dessert.

  Thinking about that reminded him of Nora’s promise. So, after pretty much everyone was making their way out, except for the folks that had volunteered to clean, he took her into his room, with the double chocolate cupcake he had saved for her.

  “Remember what you promised?” he asked.

  “Oh, right, the cupcake. You do realize now that I was trying to flirt with you, right?”

  “Yes, now I realize it. I was clueless then.”

  “Okay, I will eat this for you now. But I need you to rustle up some dinner for me afterwards, okay?”

  “Shall we go to the din
er on the corner?”

  “Yes, that’s perfect.” She peeled back the liner and took a bite, closing her eyes. He loved it when she closed her eyes and he could just gaze at her face without worrying about being overwhelmed by eye contact. And her face—it was like she was trancing out on the cupcake. She was making that humming pleased noise, but deeper in her throat, and it was delicious to hear. Plus, she was doing that wriggle that said she really liked it. Yay! She offered him the other half of the cupcake, and he ate it, closing his eyes, leaning back against the wall, savoring the marzipan chocolate taste of it, the richness of the buttercream. Fuck, it was good.

  His eyes were closed, so he didn’t know she had moved closer until she took his hands in hers, and her hair brushed against his cheek. Then she was clasping his hands tight, and her mouth was on his, brushing lightly, pressing into him, then biting his lower lip, firmly. It was sweet, and dominant, and he was so intensely aware of her hands holding his, keeping him exactly where she wanted him. Talk about building anticipation. Damn.

  She pulled back, letting go of one of his hands, and leading him out of the room by the other, completely forgetting that he had promised to show her his boy scout uniform. It could wait, he decided. They had plenty of time.

  Epilogue - Sunday, May 29, 2011

  Today was the day. Ernest was going to play with Nora for the first time. He had all this energy bounding around inside him. It had been like that since he woke up that morning, full of nerves, full of excitement, in what Gideon affectionately called his Tigger mode. He kept reminding himself this was a good thing. That Nora liked his bounciness. She had said so, after all. Several times. And Gideon had confirmed it, when he’d asked for reassurance this morning. So he hadn’t tried to quiet down, like his mother had pushed him to do all throughout his childhood. He would trust that Nora didn’t want that from him. And if it turned out that she did, he’d say “Sondheim” and everything would stop. He could even go home after that, if he wanted to.