What Once Was Mine

by Krystyna Allyn

  My eyes round as I watch her walk away. I guess my boss just gave me the proverbial thumbs-up.

  I am so confused. Does this mean he and Taylor aren't together?

  Like Hannah said, I have to talk this out with Taylor. It’s the only way to resolve our issues. Cole is another story altogether.

  After the last child leaves, I walk toward the exit as if I’m heading home myself. Instead, I lock the door, sequestering Taylor and myself in.

  “Nice weather we’re having.” I start the conversation off badly. Perhaps I should’ve added, “Do you want fries with that?” as a kicker.

  “It is August. What’s your point?” She organizes the papers on her desk as I cautiously approach.

  “None. I was just making conversation.”

  “Uh-huh.” She returns to ignoring me, reshuffling the same documents as before.

  “Taylor, can we talk?” I bite my lip waiting on her response and, then, she finally looks at me.

  “Gee, I wonder what it’ll be about,” she replies sarcastically, folding her arms across her chest while sitting on top of the desk.

  You would think her standoffish behavior would scare me, but it doesn't. She's pissed and rightfully so. If I’m going to continue with this job, she and I need to act like adults and work out our differences.

  “Did I tell you the reason I moved from New York?” I start our conversation from a totally different angle. “I wanted a fresh start, but there was more to it than that. You see, my brother, Jamal, committed suicide when he was a teen.” Even with Taylor’s gasps, I continue, needing to get the story out without crying.

  “It completely devastated me, barreling me into a deep depression. I spent the rest of my life living in the past because it’s the only way I knew to keep his memory alive. I lived for him, not me, and my selfish actions nearly cost me a friendship.”

  Leaning against the wall, I pause, remembering the pained expression on Carrie’s face when I spewed those hurtful words. She didn't deserve it and I’m thankful she forgave me.

  “Therapy made see the error of my ways and gave me the tools to be the woman I want to be. The night I met Cole, I wasn't looking for anything special. Mainly I wanted to feel a connection with someone to see if I was worthy of a man’s attention. It’s silly, I know, but my self-esteem wasn’t at a high point. Things quickly turned real when he came over to introduce himself.” I don’t go into any more detail because I don’t want to hurt her. Taylor has deep feelings for him and I don’t want to be the person who essentially breaks her heart, even though the blame solely lies on Cole.

  “He and I had a connection, but it wouldn’t be fair to you to continue exploring things with him. Not like he’s asked me but still. I’m not a bad person and I believe you and I can be friends. Tell me what to do to make this better between us. I hate that we’re fighting, especially over a guy. Women should stick together. Don’t you think?”

  Pressing her lips together, Taylor studies me, her expression open, as if she’s seeing me for the first time. Her perusal is uncomfortable, but I allow it. Anything to help her know I’m not a threat.

  “First,” she takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry about your brother. I can’t imagine going through something like that and not being emotionally scarred. And I’m glad you’ve been able to work through the heartache. I knew you were a wonderful person the moment we met, and to top it off, you have a great sense of humor. Second, do not, I repeat, do not base your romantic decisions in your life on my feelings. True, Cole and I have a past. I’m not going to lie, it hurts he’s more into you than me.”

  “So you’re not dating?” I blurt out, surprised at my forwardness.

  “No. And honestly, we never did. Cole and I have never been able to cross the threshold into a relationship. There’s always been one thing or another holding us back.”

  Taylor is taking this discussion rather easily.

  “I still feel awful about this. Here I am, the new girl in town making waves when I should be forging friendships.”

  Taylor slides off the desk, her feet quietly landing on the floor. She glides over to me, her expression warm.

  “Marley Bishop, you have not burned any bridges in Falls Village. If anything, everyone loves you. Lenny is like your new best friend. Hannah and Mallory think you're cool and don’t forget Ruth. She adores you. It gives you an in if you ever decide to pursue a relationship with Cole.”

  My jaw drops at her encouragement. It’s as if the last few days haven’t happened.

  “When we were at the bar the other night, I saw how he stared at you. he’s never looked at me in the same way. It was as if you two were the only people in the room and the rest of us were just background noise. At that moment, I realized what he and I had paled in comparison to the longing he had for you. Marley, you’d be a fool to let him go. And I’m sorry for taking out my anger on you. I don’t like secrets. My mom kept my father from me for many years. She had her reasons, but it still hurt. Cole not mentioning you brought that pain to the surface.”

  Taylor takes another step toward me, and with sincerity in her eyes, she grasps my hand.

  It seems she and I have more in common than I thought. But from what I’ve noticed, her mother isn’t nearly as awful as mine.

  “I bet I could one-up you on questionable parents.” I give her a humorless laugh. “My mother is still in love with my father or, as I call him, my bio dad. Long story short, she had an affair with her boss while she was separated from the man I consider my dad. My dad forgave her, but they ended up getting divorced because she couldn’t get over the sperm donor.”

  “Wow. And I thought my life was complicated.”

  We both laugh and hug it out, keeping the tears at a minimum. I feel a kinship with Taylor now, one I never expected to have.

  When I first met her, she seemed as if she had her life together. It’s a relief her life is as crazy as mine. But I’d never tell her that.

  “Marley.” The two of us separate. “Though the idea of you and Cole together stings. I’ll get over it eventually.”

  “Oh, no.” I shake my head vigorously, close to giving myself a headache. “Cole and I are finished. I'm not giving him a second chance to lie to me again. I only wanted you and me to be good, not just for work purposes, but I genuinely value your friendship.”

  “That is such a cop-out, Marley.” It’s her turn to shake her head at me. “Did you not hear what I said five minutes ago? The man looked at you as if you had painted the night sky with stars. I think you’d be a fool by not going after him or at least hearing what he has to say.”

  “Been there, done that.” I rub the bridge of my nose. “He’s been harassing me all weekend. I have a mind to call the police to get a restraining order from his crazy.”

  Secretly, I find his persistence a little endearing.

  “Well, before you get the law involved, speak to him.”

  “I promise I will.”

  Taylor and I say our goodbyes, and she offers to bring me a cup of coffee when she arrives tomorrow. I’m ecstatic we were able to talk and make things right between us. I’m on the fence about seeing Cole in person, so I take the coward’s way out and text him.

  Me: I accept your apology

  Cole: No, you don't.

  The quick response is unexpected, but it’s better to get the formalities over with. This is a small town and Cole and I dating would be a bad idea.

  Me: I swear, I do. And I hope we can become friends.

  And I mean it. Maybe if we start with friendship, we’ll work our way to more.

  Cole: Marley, I don’t want to be your friend.

  Of course he doesn’t.

  Me: It’s all I can offer you.

  Cole: Let’s put a pin in this discussion until I see you later.

  Me: There is no later, Cole.

  Five minutes elapse with no response from Cole. This worries me. He seems like the type of man who goes after what he wants and gets i
t. Hell, I was wrapped around his finger the moment he kissed me on my hand the first time. I won’t fall for his tricks again. Maybe I should change my number as well. Whatever it takes to keep him at a distance.

  The trip to my apartment is usually a fast one, but with my mind on the current issues in my life, I get turned around, ending up a block over from where I need to be. An uneasy sense of being followed overcomes me. It’s as if I’m in a horror movie and the hairs standing up on the back of my neck indicates the killer is nearby. Glancing over my left shoulder, I see nothing and I inwardly scold myself for the paranoia.

  “It’s later.” I yelp at Cole’s words, the idiot materializing out of thin air moments after I arrive in front of my door.

  “Cole,” I whisper, hating how excited I am at the sight of him. Then he places his warm fingertips on my lips, silencing my protests.

  “Before you banish me to a deserted island, hear me out.” Moving swiftly, he grabs my keys from my hand, opens my door and shoves me in.

  I have no willpower when it comes to him.

  After shutting the door, he reaches in his back pocket, producing a disk. I burst out laughing when I read what’s written in permanent marker on the front.

  Marley B’s Mega Mix Tape

  What am I going to do with this guy?

  I was seconds from grabbing her, but the brooding asshole beat me to the punch. She’s rarely been alone the past couple of weeks and I’m running out of time.

  Maybe I should kill him.

  No. It would bring too much attention to the town. I’d rather she disappears without a trace. I’ll continue to watch and, when the opportunity arises, I’ll take her.

  Or …

  There is my little contingency plan.

  Yes. Perfect. Keeping her at arm’s length was becoming frustrating when all I wanted to do was embrace her.

  Soon, I remind myself. She won’t have anyone to protect her for much longer. If things go my way, Falls Village will be a distant memory for her.

  13

  Mix Tape

  Bro tip #29

  Music is the key to a woman’s heart. Especially when you fuck up.

  Cole

  “God, you’re beautiful,” I say as her throaty laughter fills the air. My new goal in life is to make her smile and laugh every chance I get.

  “What is this?” She inspects the case, scanning the list of songs printed on the back. “I mean, I know what it is. But why did you give it to me?” Marley is still grinning while staring at the title.

  “Do you remember when we played truth or dare and I asked you the name of your favorite song?”

  She nods. “Yeah and you thought I was crazy.”

  “I still do. What respectable person admits to loving Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice?”

  She arches her delicate brow and smirks.

  “I am not ashamed to admit when I hear the beat to this song, I have no problem stopping, collaborating, and listening.”

  “I have no doubt, but you should at least have a few new crowd favorites from that era added to your repertoire.”

  “Are you trying to win me over through nineties music, Cole Alexander?” Marley gives me a once over, her hand resting on the curve of her hip.

  The playful banter between us gives me hope she’ll forgive me or relax enough and allow me to explain why I’m such an idiot.

  “Maybe. Is it working?”

  “I haven’t decided.”

  Marley removes her purse from her shoulder, setting it down on the tiny kitchen table to her left. The last time I was here, I didn’t pay attention to the size of her place. I was more focused on getting her naked. But tonight that part of our relationship will get placed on the back burner.

  “So,” she plops onto the couch. “What other classics should I expect on this playlist? A little Michael Jackson? Some Backstreet Boys? Or did you go hard-core with Nirvana?”

  “You’ll have to listen to find out. Do you want me to put it on?”

  “You assume I have a CD player. Most music is streamed these days. Or did you miss the memo?” I watch as she crosses her long, lean legs. What I wouldn't give to run my hands and tongue along her inner thigh. Inwardly, I groan, pushing the thought to the back of my mind.

  “I thought you might say that, so I created an online version just in case.” I wave my iPhone in the air. “That is more of a keepsake, but if you happen to come across an old boombox, insert the CD and press play. I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

  “That’s all well and good, Cole, but you still haven’t told me what songs are on here.”

  “Trust in the shuffle and dance with me.” I hold my thumb over the play button, prepared to press it when she agrees to my proposition.

  Marley gives me a once over, the look on her face unsure yet hopeful. From the moment we met, we’ve had chemistry and never had a lull in conversation. We say exactly what’s on each other's mind, never holding anything back. Yet, right now, even with her promising expression, the silence worries me. The longer I let her think about it, the more chance she’ll have to reconsider the full apology I have yet to give her.

  “Come on,” I whisper, extending my hand. “You know you want to.” I give her a half-smile. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, she reaches out and clasps her hand into mine, the intro to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak echoes throughout the room.

  The second we touch, the familiar sensation of belonging overcomes me. One night was all it took for her to be mine, and I’ll do everything in my power to make it so again.

  Standing, we come face to face and I contemplate kissing her. She frowns, possibly sensing where my thoughts are headed.

  “What exactly are you hoping to accomplish with this, Cole? I’m still mad at you.”

  “For now,” I tell her with certainty.

  She rolls her eyes.

  As the sensual melody of the first chorus plays, I hook my arm around her waist, needing her as close as humanly possible. With her eyes locked on mine, our hips sway to the song. We surrender to the sounds, absorbing the poetry, wholly enshrouded in the moment. Marley rests her head on my shoulder and I squeeze her tightly, loving the feel of her.

  “I don’t deserve you,” I admit, “but I don’t want anyone else to have you either.”

  “How is that fair, Cole?”

  “It’s not.” I slip my fingers under her t-shirt and caress the small of her back. “But I don’t care. You felt it the same as me and we would be fools to ignore it. Hell, it’s taking everything in me not to tear your clothes off and remind you of how good we are together.”

  “We tried that the other day. Don’t you remember? It didn’t end so well.”

  “You’re right and I’m sorry. I should’ve stayed, explained about Taylor, and made sure you understood where we stood.”

  Silence passes between us as Chris Isaak bellows the phrase about not wanting to fall in love with a girl who might break his heart and I decide I’ve had enough.

  All my life, I’ve been a screw-up, especially where women are involved. I thought marriage would make me a better man when, in fact, I became worse. Since meeting Marley, I now see what I refused to recognize before.

  Only a real man is worthy of love from a strong woman. And Marley is that person. After all, a man can only be as good as the woman who loves him back.

  Sifting my fingers through her hair, I grasp a handful, gently pulling her head back to face me again.

  “I’m a selfish and stubborn man, Marley. If you think for one second, I’m letting you go, then you’re sorely mistaken.”

  With my declaration, I kiss her, pressing my palm to the back of her head, holding her in place. To my complete and utter surprise, she allows my lips free rein to explore her mouth. She moans at the languid strokes of my tongue as it toys with hers, her hands resting on my shoulders. Initially, I’m concerned she’ll push me away, but instead, she pulls me closer, confirmation I’ve got her full attention again. All
I have to do is walk her back to her bedroom and get her naked again, but that’s not why I asked her to move with me. This dance is about so much more.

  I wanted to find a way for us to begin the healing process and sex isn’t always the answer. I’ve had six months to think about how I’d act if I ever got the chance to be with her again and the first time wasn’t the correct way.

  “Whoa,” she breathes as we break apart. “I don’t recall our kisses being this good.”

  “They weren’t,” I grin. “Kisses tend to be better when you know a person’s name.”

  Chuckling, she arches a brow.

  “Is that so?”

  Right before I answer her, the song Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot sounds through my iPhone speakers and Marley laughs until tears spill from her eyes.

  “What made you choose this song?” She’s finally able to vocalize a full sentence in between the fits of laughter.

  “You have a nice ass.” Shrugging, I palm her plump backside and squeeze.

  “Stop it.” She swats my hand away. “We need to have an actual conversation. The dancing was nice and I am ready to listen, but you and I are nowhere near settled.”

  Marley’s right, so I motion for her to sit and I follow suit.

  “Start from the beginning and leave nothing out,” she orders me. I hesitate for a millisecond and then give her full monty, beginning my tale from the moment we parted six months ago.

  Marley listens avidly as I explain my history with Taylor and my screwed-up actions as of late. She takes Taylor’s side, demanding I grovel at her feet and beg for her forgiveness. I had no idea they’d become so close in such a short time, but I expect nothing less from Marley. She’s has a big heart. I witnessed this when I first caught sight of her at the bar in Manhattan. She radiated joy while interacting with her girls. It’s what caught my eye in the first place, besides her expressive smile.

  Finally, I mention my father’s death and how it made me take stock of my life and work towards being a better person. By no means was my journey perfect and I’m still a work in progress.