by Lux, Vivian
This was what I'd wanted, but right now I just wanted it over .
We'd been playing these songs so much I could do this in my sleep. Lunge here, growl there. Jump up on the amp while Ewan played a solo. Wave my hands in the air, and watch the crowd imitate me right at this moment. Clap along, then one-two-three, jump-kick back down to the floor to hit the high note on 'Best Mistake .'
Muscle memory. Rote performance. I felt shitty not giving them my all, but then again, I felt shittier every time I glanced in Niall's direction .
He knew... something. Here onstage was not the time to talk about what he thought was wrong, but he'd let me know in so many significant glances. I kept my gaze fixed on the crowd. Usually I checked in with the band obsessively, nodding, signaling. Checking to see if they needed a chance to change out instruments. If everyone was feeling as energetic as me or if they felt the show was flagging. It was my job as frontman, but it was kind of difficult to do it when I couldn't look our bassist in the eye .
The show ended. Mercifully. The crowd roared like they had no idea I didn't leave my soul out there on stage .
I'd left it near a pond in Briscombe, UK. And the only thing to do now was hurry away to hide alone. Before someone discovered it was missing .
But before I could hurry to my bunk to feign sleep, I was stopped by a single, "Oy !"
I froze. There was no way to scurry away from Niall now. "Yeah, man?" I asked, turning and looking him full in the eye .
I was taller than him by maybe a half an inch, and I outweighed his slim, range-y frame by a good thirty pounds, but what Niall lacked in muscle he made up for in sheer intensity. I tried to hold eye contact as long as I could, but I felt like he was trying to laser his way right through to my soul. "Where you off to, mate?" he asked, his voice carefully casual .
I pressed my lips together and reflexively clenched my fists. "Heading back to the bus. I'm pretty tired ."
He cocked his head. "You've been avoiding me ."
"How the fuck do you figure that ?"
"Every night you race off instead of hanging out ."
"I see you guys literally twenty-four hours a day," I pointed out .
It was bullshit and we both knew it. He knew he'd called me out and folded his arms in front of his chest for a second. I ducked my head and waited for him to lay it out. The accusation. Telling me he knew. Niall hated secrets, and I was hiding a pretty fucking big one .
But then he suddenly grinned. "You're a bloody monk and it's freaking me out. Come have a beer with us, mate. Fuck your voice, you sound fine ."
I let out a rushed exhale and then pulled myself together. "You sure?" I hedged, seizing on the excuse he'd handed me. "I felt like I sounded pretty strained out there ..."
"You sounded fucking fine and you know I'd tell you if you were shit. One beer, asshole. You're the fucking worst rockstar I've ever met ."
Unable to argue with that, I turned and meekly followed him to the VIP lounge .
"Friar Grant, how nice of you to join us," Jules said as Ewan silently tossed me a beer .
I caught it on a reflex and settled down on the comfortable black leather chair. Woody, our sound guy, was back with the rest of the roadies, who were already engaged in a rowdy game of Texas Hold-em that sounded like it was degenerating quickly. Niall settled down onto the couch next to his new wife, who looked a little worse for the wear. "You can't do that," she chided Niall in an exasperated huff .
"Do what?" I wondered .
Ewan widened his eyes. "You didn't see Niall chuck his bass into the crowd like he's Pete fucking Townsend ?"
I hadn't. I'd had my head so far up my ass this show, I hadn't even fucking noticed. Reese was socking Niall in the arm. "I had to go wading after it before the fans tore it apart ."
"No you didn't," Niall argued. "It was supposed to be a gift ."
"I'm not letting you chuck an eight thousand dollar bass guitar into a crowd ."
"I can buy a new one ."
"Sure you can," she snapped. "And it'll take five weeks for them to ship it to us over here, and meanwhile you'll be down an instrument." She shook her head. "Nope, not happening . "
Niall sighed. "I'm sorry," he said, chastened. "But you were pretty bloody brilliant in the pit like that, Mrs. Penrose." He grabbed her around the waist. "Seeing you elbow blokes in the face to rescue my instrument got me all hot and bothered ."
I had seriously missed all this? I needed to get my head back on straight. "I pity whatever poor fan you had to wrestle with to get it back," I added, trying to participate in the banter for a moment .
"Oh you didn't see? Reese just glared at him until the poor sod handed it over," Ewan crowed, giving her an appreciative nod over the top of his beer bottle. "Bloody brilliant ."
I laughed and clapped my hands. "Your wife takes no shit, how'd she end up with you?" I teased Niall .
He chuckled. "I know my place. You met my mom... my sister... I know to do what I'm told ."
Reese laughed and then reminded him that he hadn't done what he'd been told since he chucked the fucking bass again, but I was stuck on the casual mention of his sister. I took a deep breath and clenched my beer bottle a little tighter as Niall went on explaining that he was doomed from the start. "Tally always said it took me three tries to get anything through my head," he was telling Reese. "Didn't she warn you ?"
"That you're an idiot? Yeah she might have mentioned it once or twelve times ."
I laughed a little too loudly. "Tallula's got your number," I told Niall .
He looked up at me. I looked at him over the top of my beer bottle, then took a swig, then gave him what I hoped was an innocent grin .
He grinned back. "She always has. She's a smart one." He tickled Reese. "She liked this one right away, so I knew she was the right one for me ."
"I'm so glad I met with your sister's approval," Reese said archly, sticking out her tongue .
I felt like I was going to incinerate. I needed to get the topic off Tallula before I said something stupid .
"Hey, is Tally back at uni? I haven't heard any updates," Ewan wondered .
I leaped up .
Everyone turned and stared at me .
"Voice," I fake-croaked. "Need to go ."
"Sure mate," Ewan said warily. "Do what you gotta do ."
"Have fun saying Vespers, Brother Hudson." Jules folded his hands in prayer .
I flipped him my middle finger, which made me feel a little better about making them laugh as I fled from the VIP room. I already couldn't stop thinking about Tallula, did they have to keep talking about her too? Tantalizing me with the one woman I couldn't have ?
The only woman I wanted ?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tallula
I yawned again.
Poppy rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, am I boring you ?"
I quickly blinked. The chairs in the student union were the opposite of comfortable, but I was near to napping all the same. I sat back up again and tried to focus on the story Poppy had been telling me. Something about her British Lit professor's ear-hair. Sure it wasn't exactly riveting stuff. But that wasn't why I was yawning. "Sorry," I muttered .
Poppy shook her head disapprovingly. "You need to stop staying up so late. I need you fully-functional if I'm going to survive this seminar." She started gathering her things in a manner that could only be described as 'passive aggressive bag-packing ."
I yawned again and then tried to make myself heard over the sound of her zipping all of her various bags. Poppy never had less than three hanging off her s
houlder at one time. She was destined for a life spent visiting the osteopath. "I went to bed so early!" I protested, completely bewildered .
It was true. Instead of my usual midnight bedtime, I had fallen, fully-clothed, into my sunken dorm bed while the sun was still up. I had a history assignment I'd completely fucked over in favor of fourteen hours of sleep, but I still felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I grabbed my bags and followed after her .
Poppy paused when she heard me rushing to catch up with her and turned on me suddenly. "Have you had your iron levels checked?" she wanted to know, suddenly transitioning into mother-hen mode .
I stopped and snorted. "You watched me devour that burger last night," I reminded her. Gray clouds scudded across the sky above her head. It had been shit weather ever since Hudson left .
Poppy winced at the memory of the burger. "Ugh, yeah." She wrinkled her nose. "It was like watching a BBC nature documentary. Crocs and wildebeests and such ."
"Hey fuck off," I complained. "I was hungry. I'm hungry now. Maybe that's why I'm yawning ."
She eyed me. "We literally just left the dining hall ."
"I know," I moaned. "I don't think I had enough to eat though ."
"Weren't you just complaining to me yesterday that your pants aren't fitting?" she asked, with her patented Poppy-bluntness .
"I know," I moaned again. "I'm gaining weight like crazy. And I'm bloated beyond all sense. Look at this." I lifted my shirt to reveal the squashy gut spilling over my jeans. "It's revolting. But I don't even care, I'm like starving to death ."
She rummaged around in one of her bags until she produced a foil packet. "You want some of my crisps?" she asked .
I lunged for her. "Yes please ."
Poppy watched me with her nose semi-wrinkled as I lifted the bag of crisps to my mouth and shook the crumbs right into it. Then an old-oil smell hit my nostrils and I let it fall. "Ugh, are these off ?"
She leaned over and dutifully sniffed at the bag. "They smell okay to me ."
My stomach churned. "They smell rancid ."
"Tally?" Poppy said, in a careful, wary voice that I had learned to heed. "Darling, did you go and get yourself knocked up when you fucked that rockstar ?"
I rocked back on my heel, completely non-plussed. "What? No, he used a condom. I'm not stupid ."
"Right, well..." She let her words hang in the air. "How about we check then? Just in case, right ?"
I tried to keep my laughter from escaping but it came out as a snort instead. "I'm just hungry, Poppy ."
"Right," she nodded. "And you're sleepy ."
I wavered a little .
"And smelling phantom smells ."
"It's not phantom!" I cried. "I'm telling you, these crisps are rancid ."
"Right." She exhaled in a rush. "Okay. Well I'm going to the chemist's like right now and getting you a test. And you're going to piss on it in front of me so I can stop freaking out about this now. Sound good ?"
"Poppy..."
"Tally, I'm serious. Let's go ."
Shaking my head, I followed my friend to the on-campus chemist's, certain that this was a waste of time and money. But Poppy was a bulldog when it came to her friends, always mother-henning the lot of us. It was better to just humor her and let her have her way .
"Right," she said again, once she'd paid. She handed me the box. "Let's go have a piss, shall we ?"
I laughed, but hollowly. I didn't like the look of concern in her eyes. It made me think there might actually be a reason to worry. But there couldn't be. He'd worn a condom. And for fuck's sake, who gets pregnant the very first time they have sex? That's like getting struck by lightning, right ?
The nearest loo was in the library and was far too public for my liking, but I knew the only way to get Poppy off my case was to do what she said. "Well then," I said, setting down my bag on the tile floor. "All right Mother Superior, what do I do ?"
She was reading the directions like they contained the secrets of the Holy Grail. "Says you have to pee right there," she pointed. "On that strip ."
I looked at the test with distaste. "Ew ."
"You can always wash your hands, darling ."
"I don't really have to pee though ."
"You're not avoiding this," she thundered. "Get in there, girl ."
Laughing and rolling my eyes, I headed into the stall. "You're worrying about nothing," I called. "And go away, I don't want you hearing my pee fall ."
Poppy made a scoffing sound, but I heard the door close when she left the room .
I was alone with the test. I stared at it with narrowed eyes .
And then I yawned again, catching a whiff of something much like dill as I inhaled. Dill. In a public washroom .
Tired.
Phantom smells .
My stomach growled .
Hungry.
I looked at the test again
And for the first time I was afraid of what it might say .
Chapter Twenty-Three
Hudson
"W here are you now?" my mother hollered into the phone .
I laughed and held it away from my ear. "You don't need to shout, Ma. I can hear you clear across the Atlantic ."
"Sorry, sorry," she grumbled. "I hate the way the lines hiss. Makes me feel like I'm talking to you while you wander through a den of snakes ."
"I'm not in a den of snakes, Ma. I'm in Madrid ."
"Spain?"
"No, Texas ."
"What?"
"Ma, I'm kidding. Yes, I'm in Spain ."
"Oh, I've always wanted to go there ."
I felt a tug at my heart at her wistful tone. "Well you can. Want me to fly you out ?"
"Oh, Hud, you're such a sweet boy. But I can't..." Her voice got suddenly all soft and girlish. "I met someone, you see ."
Immediately there was a flare of something fierce and protective in my chest. I wanted to bellow at her to be careful and also to put the asshole on the phone so I could read him the riot act. But I tamped it down. "You did?" was all I said .
"I know. It was kind of sudden, but I've known him forever. You remember Judy Bradburn up the street? Sometimes she'd watch you and Nikki ?"
I had a vague memory of a short gray haircut and a fierce, Jay Leno-like jaw. "She was the one with the beagle, right ?"
"No, that was Yvonne, she had the five kids and was always losing one of them ."
"Oh yeah, right. Judy was the one with the soap operas on all day ."
"Right," my mom sighed. "Well she's watching soap operas with Saint Peter, now. She passed last year ."
"Jesus Ma! You didn't tell me !"
"You'd just started with the band. What was I going to do, make you come home for your old babysitter's funeral ?"
"Huh," was all I felt I could say .
"Well, you probably never saw him because they got divorced before you started going there, but her ex-husband Trip is a very nice man. We met at the funeral and ..."
"You started dating at Miss Judy's funeral ?"
She made a scandalized noise. "Honestly Hudson, you make it sound like we were making out over the coffin. No. All we did was catch up a little and exchange numbers. He took me out for a few drinks and we hit it off really well. He's had dinner with me and Nikki a few times now ..."
"You're really dating again," I interru
pted .
"I know, it's ridiculous," she sighed. "You don't have to say it . "
"Nah ma," I protested. "I'm proud of you. It's about fucking time ."
"Hudson," she laughed. "Language ."
"Sorry," I said automatically. "But I hope he knows how lucky he is ."
I could hear her wide smile. "Oh, he tells me every day, sweetheart. He's a really loving guy ."
I was grinning for her. I could see myself in the reflection of the sliding glass door. "I'm looking forward to re-meeting him next time I'm home," I told her .
"Whenever that might be," she sighed. "How about you, sweetheart? Dare I even ask if you're dating on the road or is that information your old mom would rather not know ."
I chuckled. "You don't have to worry, Ma. I'm being a good boy ."
"I know, you're always a good boy, but aren't you feeling a little lonely?" she pressed. "You like having someone to take care of, Hud. I know that ."
I grimaced at my reflection but kept my tone light so she wouldn't realize the nerve she'd struck. "And it looks like Trip Bradburn has taken my job of taking care of you," I mock-grumbled to make her laugh .
"Oh, stop it," she said, acting put out for my benefit. "You leave your mother alone. I'm having fun ."
"And I want you to keep having fun, Ma." I took a deep breath. "I gotta shower now, you take care ."
"I love you, Hudson. Thanks for calling ."
"Love you too, Ma. Be good, now ."
Her laughter rang out more freely than I'd heard her laugh in a while. I ended the call and shoved my phone into my jeans pocket, feeling a strange melancholy settling over my shoulders in spite of the bright, Madrid sunshine streaming in through the windows of my hotel room. My mother dating. It was a long time coming and I wanted to be happy for her. But I kept feeling this odd sense of loss. Like I was losing out .
Tallula. I hadn't called her since we left for tour, and now that I thought about it, that kind of made me a scumbag .
