by Lux, Vivian
But then again, it wasn't even that. If I was just calling because I wanted to make myself look good, she would know. Tallula was smart. That's what I liked about her .
I also liked how she'd been so willing, so hot and so fucking eager to do what we did .
If we'd had more time, I'd spend all of it teaching her about that lush body of hers. All the different ways I could make her feel so good ...
Fuck, the way that orgasm took her by surprise had been jack-it fuel this whole tour .
My fingers hovered over my phone. I could just check in, remind her that I didn't want to leave. But was that even fucking fair? I had left. She was at university now, looking the way she looked. She probably had a million guys vying for her, all close at hand. Why the fuck did I think I had a right to disrupt her, calling from a thousand miles away to remind her that we couldn't be together ?
Her body under mine ...
That's why I had the right .
I scrolled to her number still saved in my phone from the wedding. Her voicemail picked up on the second ring and I had a moment of pure, blinding happiness to hear her sunny, clipped accent chirping into my ear. "Hey it's Tally and you know what to do when the beep starts so I'm not going to tell you how to live your life ."
I chuckled, because that was about as Tallula as you could get. Then I cleared my throat. "Hey Tallula," I said, before I could think to long about what to say. "It's hot as hell in Madrid and it's got me thinking of you. Hope you're wearing sunscreen ."
Then my voice caught as my heart started hammering in delayed panic. I hung up and wondered what the fuck I'd just done. Calling her like that. There was no earthly way I could pretend that it was innocent. I rolled scenarios through my mind, wondering if there was any possible way Niall might find out I'd done it .
Fuck, I was losing it. If Niall found out about us, he'd get me fired. Flat out. He'd told me as much when he and Reese were dating. "Are you after my sister, Hudson?" he'd asked me, point blank. And I'd lied to his face and told him no, and added how stupid that would be as a little icing on that lie-cake .
I'm not stupid .
I shoved my phone back in my pocket. I still needed that shower but I needed to move even more. I set out in the winding streets, enjoying the anonymity of being outside of the band. A few people gave me second glances, but without the context of the three other guys, I was relatively unknown .
I was nothing without the band, and I knew it. As if I needed to be reminded of that fact .
My phone buzzed in my pocket. Breathless, I yanked it out, ready to hear Tallula's voice one last time. Last time. It had to be the last time. I needed to fucking stop with this sorry obsession. It wasn't fair to me or her .
But I didn't recognize the number, even though it did have a UK calling code. I held it in my hand a moment, fleeting panic running through my head. I wished I'd programmed Niall's mom's number into my phone too, because then I'd know if this was her calling to ream me out for touching her daughter .
The ringing stopped and it went to voicemail. Immediately the little indicator lit up next to my mailbox .
With a feeling like my throat was closing, I held it up to my ear .
It was her. I could tell by the quick inrush of breath before she spoke, but there was something wrong with the way she was talking. It wasn't the usual avalanche of words. It was soft, measured. Like she'd rehearsed it .
"Hudson. It's Tallula. Call me back, yeah ?"
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tallula
P oppy's phone buzzed in my hand almost immediately. I felt the bottom of my stomach drop out, though that really wasn't that abnormal these days .
On the second ring, Poppy raised her eyebrows at me. "Is that him?" she mouthed .
I looked again at the screen, feeling like my hand was frozen in place. "That's him ."
The phone rang a third time. "Are you going to pick up, then?" Poppy demanded .
I swallowed and nodded. She leaned over on the bed and rubbed circles on my back, her worried energy making it feel like she was trying to start a fire between my shoulder blades .
I nodded silently. Then, licking my lips, I lifted the phone to my ear and pressed the answer button .
One the other end, I heard nothing for a moment, then a familiar sigh. "Hudson," I said, breathing out his name .
"Tallula," he replied, rolling my name in his mouth like always. I felt goosebumps prick my arm - like my skin was straining to get closer to him - just to hear his voice. He paused a moment. There was a rush of street noise and then his sigh. "Sorry, I'm on a walk. Bus just went by ."
I exhaled in relief that he was nowhere near my brother. "You're alone?" I asked, a little more sharply than I meant to .
"I am," he said. Then his voice lowered in confusion. "Hey, what number is this ?"
I glanced at Poppy. "My friend's ."
I could hear his smile. "Being all anonymous, huh? Smart girl. When I called you just now, I realized too late it was probably a stupid move ."
It felt like he was talking nonsense all of a sudden. I cleared my throat. "Um. Yeah," I said, distantly. The worry was crowding out all of the other, nicer things I could say .
And he heard it too. "Tallula?" he ventured, sounding concerned .
I blinked, hard. There was no way to say it, without just saying it. "Hudson," I said. "I'm pregnant ."
Poppy reached out and grabbed my hand as we waited for him to reply. The only noise was the screech of another passing bus. I listened, straining my ears to hear him, but he was silent. Utterly silent. "Breathe," Poppy murmured. "You're turning red ."
I let out a rush of breath. "Hudson ?"
He finally cleared his throat. "You sure?" he asked .
A stab of anger knifed between my eyes. "Yes," I hissed. "Of course I'm fucking sure ."
"And it's ..."
"If you fucking dare to insinuate that I would have had time to go out and fuck any more daddy-candidates then ..."
"I'm not!" he protested, cutting me off. I heard him take a panicked breath. "Tallula. I, wow. But I used a...shit it was old ."
"I know ."
"I told you the condom was old and you said ..."
"It was okay," I finished. "Right, and I'm not blaming you for anything here Hudson. I was a willing and active participant, you'll remember ."
He let out another breath. "Are you going to ...?"
"Keep it?" My voice rose an octave. "Is that what you're asking ?"
"Well..."
"I have no fucking clue, alright? I just thought you had a fucking right to know ."
I heard him take a steadying breath. "Thank you, yes." He cleared his throat again. "I'm sorry. This was...it's just I've been thinking about you all damn day and hoping to hear your voice, but like ..."
"Not like this," I half-laughed, half sobbed .
"Tallula, no. I'm sorry, this..." He sounded pissed, but at himself. "I didn't react well just now, okay? I'm sorry. Can I try again ?"
I wiped my nose with my finger. "No," I grumbled .
He let out a breath. "Okay then. What do you need from me ?"
"What can I get from you?" I shouted .
"What?" He sounded bewildered and it was breaking my heart and pissing me off at the same time .
"You're on tour!" I exploded. "And I'm here. It's not like ..."
He was trying to follow me, but I had no idea where I was going. "So you need money to ..."
"Fuck you, Hudson," I hissed. Poppy squeezed my hand as
the tears started falling .
"What?" he bristled. "Hey, I'm trying really hard here, okay? I want to figure this out, and do what's right and all. But you know, I was a nobody last year and your brother, he took a chance on me and now ..."
"Don't you think I fucking know you can't have a baby?" I lashed out. "Hell, I can't have a baby !"
His voice hardened. "So you're not keeping it ?"
"Um, well this wasn't exactly part of my plan either ."
"I didn't say that ."
"You don't need to say it, I know. Okay? I'm a smart girl. You're not the daddy type. And you're not the guy for me any way. You're on tour all the time, you're fucking American ..."
He swore .
"What?" I demanded .
He growled dangerously, a sound I never thought he could make. "I said cut that shit out ."
I could picture the way the muscle at his jaw was jumping. "Don't talk to me like that," I told him, fear creeping into my voice .
He let out a mirthless laugh. "Really? I thought we had something, Tallula ."
"You did?" I shouted. "Yeah? Well, now we have nothing except a fucking baby!" I stabbed the button, hanging up on him and fell against Poppy, sobbing. "God damn it all to hell," I swore, viciously clutching at her phone. I felt like if I could squeeze it to pieces, it might make that call go better .
"You're all right," Poppy murmured .
"I'm not," I sniffed. "I just fucked things right up ."
"You sounded scared," Poppy said reassuringly. "Understandably so ."
"I was a cunt," I said, breathing out and loosening my grip on her phone. I let it fall through my fingers and down onto the bed. "I forgot it wasn't him I'm pissed at ."
"He'll understand ."
I shrugged. "What's the point in making him understand though, you know? I never thought I'd see him again to begin with." I looked down at the phone on the bed and shook my head. "And now I've gone and made sure of it ."
Chapter Twenty-Five
Hudson
T he people on the sidewalk flowed like water around me. With my phone still clutched in my hand, I was as still as a rock midstream. Every part of my body felt like it had been frozen in place .
Tallula's voice still rang in my ears. "We have nothing," she'd told me. "Except a fucking baby ."
With a superhuman effort I moved my foot. Then I moved the other one. Mindlessly, I started walking, utterly numb except for the anger that sizzled across my skin .
We have nothing .
Did she really believe that or was she just angry at me? She had every right to be angry .
But she had no right to say we have nothing .
You're on tour all the time. You're American ....
I walked for so long, and traveled so far out of the way, that they had to send a car for me so I could get back in time for the show. There wasn't even enough time for me to do soundcheck. I just jumped onto the stage without looking any of my bandmates in the eye .
The reviews of that night's show were the best we'd ever had. For weeks afterward, the press was chattering about the new depth I'd brought to the same old songs. The ragged, almost panicked quality my voice had taken on. Bootlegs of the Madrid show became collectors' items .
I don't remember a single moment of it .
Except one .
A young woman, dark hair, dark eyes, nothing like Tallula except in the lush way her body curved. She was in the front row, with a man, his arm slung around her protectively, watching that other's didn't get too close. There were too many people for me to see her clearly ,...
Except for one moment. As she sang along, the crowd thinned just right so I could see the way she cradled her belly protectively. And I could see how the man with her was resting his hand right on top of it .
Possessive.
Proud.
That was all I could see then and it was all I could see when I closed my eyes for the next week. Him, her, and their baby they both loved so much. I wondered if it could hear the music around it .
That night, the legendary night in Madrid, I was singing for that baby .
We played three more nights in Madrid, then travelled back up to France for a festival in Provence. Once again, the press went wild over my new style, how I sang like my heart had been broken .
It may well have .
After Provence, it was off to a two-night stint in Rome. Friar Hudson was in full effect those nights, as I spent all of them staring sleeplessly at my phone, waiting for it to ring. Waiting for my anger to subside so I could call her myself. We have nothing still rang in my ears like a church bell tolling a funeral .
But my excuse for hiding away from the band was about to end. When the Rome shows wrapped, we were off for a whole week .
The last thing I wanted to do was spend time with Niall, knowing what I knew. But the villa in Naples had been booked months in advance. August was flying in to be with Jules and as of this morning, Celia had arrived and was hanging out backstage, seemingly enjoying just being a fan for once .
Being all together again for the first time since the wedding. It was something that sounded like a really fucking good idea back when we'd scheduled it .
Back before I found out I'd fathered Niall's niece or nephew .
But that couple in Madrid, they didn't leave my brain .
Could I be a dad? I'd never had one, not one that counted. But I'd had love, and I had the best childhood my mother could give me. I'd learned lessons about how to be a man from the men around me as well. I had people, good people, who could surround my child and step in to pick up any slack I dropped .
I couldn't throw a perfect spiral. I couldn't even do my own taxes. But I knew how to fix a car and I knew how to hug really tight. And more importantly, the kid would have the best musicians in the world to help him learn an instrument. Or hell, help her learn .
That morning in Rome, my anger finally ebbed away as I realized something .
I could be a good dad .
And if Tallula wanted me to, I could be really good to her too .
And fuck anyone who said being a rockstar daddy wouldn't work. I could make it work. I could bring the baby backstage and let it sleep in the green room just so I'd be close enough to hear any cries. I was already nearly nocturnal. I could easily let Tallula sleep the night while I stayed up with our child .
I knew it now. I could be a really fucking good dad .
It had been two solid weeks since she hung up on me. Two solid weeks since she told me we had nothing .
But she was wrong. I had everything I needed .
Except her and our baby .
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tallula
T his wasn't my bed.
I blinked and stared dully at the square of sunlight on the unfamiliar blanket. It was scratchy and woolen and had one of those satin strips along the edge. I blinked again and took in the unfamiliar posters on the wall, confused by what I was seeing. Poppy's dedication to nineties girl-bands was distinctive enough that I finally understood that I was lying in her room .
"Why...?" I started to say. But my throat was raw like I'd had nothing to drink for days .
At that, my best friend leaped up from her laptop. "Hey, you feeling any better?" she asked, moving quickly to my side. "Those pain killers knocked you right on your ass. And I couldn't well drag you to your room by myself. You were like dead weight ."
"Pain killers?" I tried to say but she was shoving a water bottle in my face .
"Drink," she urged. "I'll go get your mom ."
"Mum?" I croaked. Why was my mother in my dorm? And why was I in Poppy's bed ?
And why did my stomach hurt
so bloody much ?
I swallowed the water, feeling the coolness hit my insides, which suddenly lurched .
And then I remembered everything and moaned .
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to block out the sadness, but it wouldn't stop coming at me. Over and over in waves, the despair kept coming. For a moment, I just laid there, spread-eagled, feeling the emptiness twist in my stomach .
At the sound of the door opening, my eyes fluttered back open. Poppy was there again. As she had been since I'd woken up yesterday morning and first felt the cramping .
Behind her, Fiona grimaced over her shoulder, dark purple bags under her clear blue eyes. I closed my eyes again, remembering how she had appeared out of nowhere to mop up the blood in my bed and on my carpet, following behind with a rag as I'd stumbled to the bathroom. She was the one who'd silently handed me the prescription strength ibuprofen that she'd hoarded after surgery on her wisdom teeth. And from the looks of her, she'd been up all night with Poppy, watching over me .
It was real. It had really happened, but I didn't really start to cry about it until I saw my mother there, waiting behind Fiona with an expression on her face that I never wanted to see again .
"Mom?" I scrambled, trying to sit up and winced. And then the tears broke free. "Mummy!" I sobbed, just like a little girl .
My mother looked pained as she came over to the bed and stroked my hair. I closed my eyes under her touch, trying to quiet my sobs and failing. A single tear tracked down her soft yet stoic face, and I wasn't sure if she was upset at seeing me hurting, or upset about why I was hurting. This had to be one hell of a way to find out your daughter had started having sex .
"Lie down, darling," my mother soothed, sliding closer to run her fingers through my hair. "I'm so sorry, baby girl ."
At the word baby, I fell apart again .
"I didn't even want it," I sobbed into her shoulder. "It was a mistake. I should be happy about this, right ?"
