We Were Lost (A Southern Heroes Novel Book 5)

by Michelle Heard

  Placing a hand over my eyes, I swallow hard on the ball of grief which is making it hard to breathe. It feels like it’s trying to squeeze the life out of me.

  Someone sits down next to me, and it takes a moment for me to look up.

  Wyatt smiles at me, but he doesn’t say anything. His eyes are filled with understanding and after what he’s been through the past couple of months, I know he’s the one person who knows what I’m going through.

  “Grief…” he begins, his voice low, “it’s the one emotion strong enough to drive you insane.”

  I nod, totally agreeing because it feels like I’m about to lose my mind.

  “I can’t deal with it,” I admit. “I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t have the strength.”

  Wyatt nods and takes a deep breath. “For me it was time.”

  I give him a confused look, not following.

  “I had to realize I was stuck in the past. Nineteen minutes past eight, that’s where I was stuck.”

  “The time the accident happened?” I ask.

  “Yeah. Once I realized that I could accept Hank was a hallucination.” Wyatt’s eyes meet mine, and there’s so much emotion on them, it makes it look like a storm is about to break. “You have to separate what happened to Laurie from what happened to Chloe. Laurie’s gone, but Chloe’s still here.”

  I frown as I admit, “I know that. It’s the grief that’s back in full force as if I just lost Laurie again.” My voice is thick, and tears threaten to overwhelm me. My heart squeezes to the point where it feels no bigger than a pea.

  I hear footsteps and glancing over my shoulder, I watch as Aiden walks closer. He sits down on the other side of me, and a small smile tugs at my lips.

  “Here we are again,” he whispers, his voice heavy with emotions.

  “Yeah,” Wyatt agrees.

  I just nod, because hell, it’s hard enough to breathe as it is.

  “Chloe’s doing okay,” he answers my unspoken question.

  Chloe. Shit, she must hate me by now. When she needs me most, I’m not strong enough.

  “I’ve taken care of the paperwork,” Aiden continues, avoiding the real problem. After a couple of minutes, he sighs, “Birdie.”

  “Yeah, Birdie,” I repeat. We’ll have to face her at some point after killing her father.

  Chloe

  I didn’t go to Emma and Aiden’s after being discharged but instead, find myself lying in one of the beds at the shelter.

  “I made you some coffee,” Stella says as she walks over to me where I’m sitting out back just staring at the stars.

  “Thanks.” I put on a brave face for her as I take the mug.

  She sits down next to me on the bench, and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

  She’s said the words more times than I can count, and every time she’s sincere.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I repeat myself.

  She glances to me with eyes swimming in guilt. “I feel awful that you got shot, but –” she swallows hard as she tries to organize her thoughts, “at the same time I’m so grateful because you came for me.”

  I smile at her even though it’s a struggle. “I promised I’d help you.”

  “I can’t believe it’s over. I have no idea what to do now,” she admits.

  “Take it one day at a time.” That’s what I’m doing because I’ll drive myself crazy if I try to think about tomorrow, wondering if I’ll see Zac.

  I’ve messaged him a couple of times asking if he’s okay, but after they all went unread, I stopped.

  Tomorrow will be three days after the incident, and I’ve decided I’ll go over to his house so we can talk. Even if things are over between us, I still want to be there for him as a friend.

  I can’t begin to image what he must be going through, and it breaks my heart that the man I’ve fallen in love with is suffering alone.

  CHAPTER 23

  Chloe

  That fateful night keeps playing in my mind on repeat.

  From when Aiden said the medics were on their way until I was taken away in the ambulance. It’s like I’m staring down a long dark tunnel, watching the love of my life slip away as a distraught look numbed Zac.

  I tried getting his attention by saying his name a couple of times, but he was so far gone, he didn’t hear a word I was saying.

  Seeing his grief with my own eyes was brutal, and knowing I’m the reason he’s in so much pain… it tears me apart with guilt.

  Believing things will only get worse if I avoid it, I walk to Zac’s house. I waited until eight at night, hoping I’ll have a better chance that he’ll be home.

  With a sweaty and trembling hand, I open the front door and walk into the deafening silence which fills the house.

  When I don’t see him downstairs, I go up to his room, but finding it empty, my shoulders sag with disappointment. With heavy feet, I walk to my room so I can get some of my things, and when I open the door, my eyes widen with surprise.

  Zac’s sitting on the edge of my bed, his head resting in the palms of his hands.

  Unsure whether I’m doing the right thing, I move closer. “Hey.”

  His hands drop to his thighs as he looks up. “Hey.”

  “Are you okay?” I ask, even though I know he’s far from alright.

  Slowly, he gets up and walks toward me. He takes hold of my left hand and lifts it, looking at the bandage around my arm.

  “I should ask you that.” His voice is a low rumble reminding me of a brooding storm.

  “I’m fine. It’s only a couple of stitches,” I make light of my injury.

  “A couple of inches to the right and…” his voice falters as heartache makes his eyes impossibly dark.

  A couple of inches to the right and I’d be dead – like Laurie. That’s what he’s trying to say.

  “But it didn’t happen,” I say softly. “It’s just my arm. Nothing serious.”

  His eyes come up to mine, and the distraught look once again rips its way through my heart.

  “It happened.” Zac’s voice is trembling with grief, and unable to stop myself, I reach out to him, wrapping him up in my arms. “It feels like it just happened again.”

  My heart breaks for him, and I wish I could take his pain away and make it my own.

  Loss has an overwhelming finality to it, and it makes me feel weak for not being able to stop Zac from suffering through it again.

  Zac

  A shudder ripples through my body making Chloe tighten her hold on me.

  Feeling sluggish, I lift my arms and grab hold of her shirt.

  “It’s okay if you wanna cry,” Chloe whispers, and it feels like something inside of me snaps. I bury my face in the crook of her neck as she says, “You don’t have to hide your pain from me. Let me help you through it.”

  Silent tears begin to spill over my cheeks, and I tighten my grip on her. It’s as if I needed Chloe’s understanding to ease the tight grip on my heart.

  When she pulls back, I don’t even try to hide the fact that I’m crying. Chloe brings her hands to my face, and cupping my cheeks, she brushes the tears away with her thumbs.

  “It’s okay, Zac. I understand.” Lifting herself, she places a gentle kiss to the corner of my mouth.

  While my heart is lost in a black hole of heartache, Chloe manages to reach inside me with her compassionate warmth.

  “It doesn’t bother you?” I ask, finally voicing the real reason for my worries.

  “Not at all,” she answers truthfully. “You’ll always love Laurie, and I want to know you can talk to me about her anytime. People come into our lives, taking pieces of us with them when they leave, and Laurie is the one person I don’t mind sharing you with.”

  “I just need some time.”

  Chloe smiles gently at me. “Take all the time you need.”

  “Will you come back?” I ask, hating the silence which has filled the house since the incident.

  “When you’re ready for me to come bac
k. I don’t mind staying at the shelter.”

  “No, I meant will you come back today. I think it will be easier for me if you were here.”

  She nods, and her eyes look deep into mine with so much strength, it makes the burden I’m carrying feel lighter.

  CHAPTER 24

  Zac

  Lying next to Chloe, I watch her sleep. When she turns over onto her other side, I frown, not liking that I can’t see her face anymore. Carefully, I push my arm under her and turn her back toward me. A smile tugs at my mouth when she lets out a soft groan, before snuggling into me.

  I’ve taken a few days off from work, not ready to face reality yet, and the time I’ve spent with Chloe has been healing.

  I bring my hand to Chloe’s face and lightly brush my finger over the swell of her cheek. She’s been so patient with me and given me more support than I deserve, which only makes me care for her more.

  A part of my heart will always be broken – the part Laurie took with her. But the other half is filled with Chloe, and I’ve learned she’s strong enough to make it beat as if it were whole.

  I wake up to an empty bed and stretch out before I get up to go search for Chloe.

  I find her in the kitchen, a slight frown on her forehead as she stirs a mixture of eggs into a pan.

  “You’re cookin’?” I ask as I walk closer.

  “I’m trying,” she answers with a hopeless little laugh. “This is the third time.”

  I stare down at the mushy mess in the pan. “What are you tryin’ to make?”

  “An omelet?” She sounds so unsure it makes me chuckle.

  “Want some help, cause right now it looks like scrambled eggs.”

  She pulls a cute face then hands me the spatula. “I’ll burn the toast so long,” she teases.

  Slipping back into a regular routine makes me feel better, and by the time we’re doing the dishes, I find myself smiling again.

  Chloe

  Stella’s been helping out at the shelter while she finds her feet again. She doesn’t look so timid anymore, and there are even times I catch her smiling. I know it will still take a while for her to fully recover if she ever does, but right now she’s moving in the right direction, and it’s all that matters.

  “Chloe,” Stella calls out and then she rushes into the room with a huge bouquet of roses. “Look what came for you,” she almost sings with a happy smile brightening her face.

  “For me?” I ask. “Are you sure?” She sets it down on the table, then points to the card. I take it from where it’s pinned, and opening it, a huge smile stretches over my face.

  ‘Ek wil jou maklikste hallo wees en jou moeilikste totsiens.’

  Aww… shit, I’m going to cry. It’s so damn special that he’s trying so hard for me.

  “What does it say?” Stella asks, looking like she’s ready to burst from her skin.

  “I want to be your easiest hello and your hardest goodbye,” I translate the message for her.

  “Aww… that’s so romantic,” she sighs.

  “Yeah,” I agree. Leaning forward I smell the roses, and I wait for Stella to leave the office before I grab my phone to text Zac.

  ‘Thank you.’ Wanting to add something special of my own, I add, ‘As ek iets reg gedoen het in my lewe, was dit toe ek my hart vir jou gegee het.’

  I hope Zac can translate it. Otherwise, I’ll just tell him later it means if I did something right in my life, it was giving him my heart.

  Zac

  “Are you sure you’re ready?” Aiden asks me again as we walk out to his truck.

  “The question is are you sure?” I ask him because it looks like he’s going to be sick from all the tension.

  “Rather sooner than later. Waitin’ will only make it worse.”

  “Yeah.” Climbing in the car, I know it’s unavoidable. We need to face Birdie, and Aiden is right, rather now.

  When we pull up to the bed and breakfast Birdie owns, my heart feels heavy with dread.

  We’re quiet as we get out and walk to the front door. I can’t help but think the last time we were here was for Cole and Birdie’s wedding which Doug officiated.

  The front door is open, but I knock on it anyway as we walk inside.

  Cole comes from the direction of the living room, and when he sees us, he stops dead in his tracks.

  Aiden stares at his cousin, and I can see he’s finding it hard to start the conversation.

  It looks like they’re having a silent conversation with their eyes, and then Aiden shakes his head, and distraughtly admits, “I fucked up.”

  Movement catches my eye, and I see Birdie coming up behind Cole. When Aiden notices it, he begins to breathe faster, and my heart all but stops when he sinks to his knees when she comes to stand in front of him.

  “I’m sorry, Birdie.” His voice is hoarse, and it brings tears to my eyes. I try to breathe through the emotions filling the room.

  Aiden takes a couple of shaky breaths, then forces himself to look up at Birdie. “I didn’t mean to kill him. I’m so sorry. I wish I could turn back time. I’d…” his voice disappears as a tear trail down his face.

  Birdie sobs and she covers her mouth as she begins to cry. She exhales past her grief and then lowers herself until she’s kneeling in front of Aiden.

  She begins to nod, unable to speak yet. Her breaths come faster, and tears overwhelm her. She crawls a little forward and rests her head against Aiden’s chest, and the sight has me taking deep breaths.

  Cole catches my eye and gestures with his head to the living room.

  Leaving Aiden and Birdie, I follow Cole to the deck out back.

  “How’s she doing?” I ask.

  Cole shoves his hands in his pockets and shakes his head. “As well as can be expected.”

  “When’s the funeral?”

  Cole lets out an empty chuckle, “Why? It’s not like you’d come.”

  That’s one thing about Cole, he’s always direct.

  “I didn’t want him to die.”

  “I know.” Cole lets out a heavy breath. “I know.”

  “If I’m welcome, I’d like to pay my respects. I didn’t agree with the way he chose to live his life, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that he did a lot of good.”

  “Yeah. I’ll never understand why he got involved with the drug trade, but I’m going to choose to remember him as the man who saved the woman I love.”

  “He was an amazing father,” I agree because that’s one thing Doug Liles did right – saving Birdie from her deranged father and loving her unconditionally.

  Aiden and Birdie join us, and unable to stop myself, I place my hand on Birdie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Birdie.”

  She looks at Aiden before her eyes rest on me. “I just have one request.”

  “Anythin’,” Aiden answers for us.

  “My father paid for his sin, let him rest in peace. I want to remember the good memories. Let me keep them.”

  Aiden nods, and it’s up to me to answer, “Of course. We won’t mention it again.”

  We don’t stay long and driving back to the precinct, I say, “It’s going to take a while before things are back to normal.”

  “Yeah,” Aiden agrees. “I’m gonna drop you off then head home. I need to hold my daughter.”

  “Sure.”

  Chloe

  After everything Aiden and Zac have been through, Emma and I decide it’s time for fun. There’s a fair going on, and I’ve never been to one.

  We all bundle into Zac’s SUV, and to lighten the mood, I begin to sing along to a song, knowing I can’t hold a tune to save my life.

  Emma begins to laugh, then says, “As false as ever.”

  When we get to the fair, we stop at a booth to get tickets, and then I drag them all to a ride that’s called The Frisbee.

  “Mommy’s so glad you’re here,” Emma coos to Laurie. “I don’t have to get on that death trap.”

  “Chicken,” I tease her. Looking at Aiden and Z
ac’s faces, and seeing the doubt, I grab their hands and pull them toward the gate. “No getting out of this one.”

  “But,” Zac begins to protest.

  “No buts,” I silence him then wiggle my eyebrows. “It’s gonna be fun.”

  “I’m already feelin’ sick,” Aiden grumbles.

  I manage to get them onto the ride and grin at them as the big wheel begins to move.

  “Fuck,” Aiden growls, holding on for dear life.

  “Is it too late to get off?” Zac asks, then I begin to laugh as the ride starts to spin.

  I scream at the top of my lungs, letting go of every worry, every bad memory, and just freeing myself.

  When Aiden and Zac also shout, I scream again, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt.

  CHAPTER 25

  Chloe

  I’m so grateful to be back on the day shift. I get home before Zac and quickly take a shower to wash the day away. Pulling on a floral peasant dress, I walk barefoot to the kitchen.

  I’ve been practicing cooking, and tonight I’m adamant about making something edible.

  I gather everything I’ll need to make a salad on the kitchen table and get that done first.

  “At least it’s not something I can burn,” I mumble to myself.

  When I’m done, I put the bowl of vegetables in the fridge, then turn to face the defrosted chicken breasts. I cut them into small pieces, and after warming some oil in a frying pan, I toss it all in. Oil splatters making me jump back with a shriek, and then Zac’s laughter fills the air.

  “Shit, it’s gonna burn,” I shriek, darting forward.

  Zac comes to stand behind me and wrapping his arms around me, he sets the heat lower on the stove. Taking hold of my hands, he helps me hold the pan while stirring the meat until it’s crispy brown instead of black.