Always With Love

by Giovanna Fletcher

  I decide to have a shower, wanting to be actively doing something whenever Billy inevitably notices I haven’t reappeared and comes to find me. I know I can have a good cry in the glass cubicle without being seen or heard – and if I can only keep those tears at bay for so long, I’d rather spill them alone.

  13

  ‘I think you should rethink,’ I blurt when I come out of the shower and see Billy sitting on a sofa looking longingly out of the window, with two ham and cheese sandwiches on a plate next to him. Once again, I find myself not hungry.

  Billy looks up at me with a confused expression.

  ‘Ralph and Richard. The film. You haven’t even read the script yet,’ I say with a shrug, trying to sound more determined about this than I feel. ‘Read it before making a decision. You don’t want to wake up one day and regret not being part of the “greatest film ever made”.’

  ‘Ralph’s words?’ he asks, giving a sad smile.

  ‘He clearly believes in it. Just read it before refusing.’

  ‘Where has this come from?’

  ‘Nowhere. I’ve just been thinking, that’s all,’ I lie, not wanting him to know that I overheard his chat with his mum and have just spent the last twenty minutes having a mammoth cry over it.

  ‘No one’s said anything?’

  ‘To me? I’ve not seen anyone …’ Well, it’s not a lie.

  Billy looks at me and sucks in his cheeks before blowing them out again. ‘It doesn’t mean anything if I read it.’

  ‘Exactly,’ I shrug, as though it’s no big deal.

  He nods thoughtfully, clearly tempted by the idea of giving the script a once over. A sigh follows, and I know he’s warming to the idea.

  ‘I don’t want you thinking –’

  ‘I won’t be thinking anything,’ I interrupt, not wanting him to feel he has to apologize for something I’m talking him into doing. ‘Might as well see if you like it before we all get into a flap.’

  ‘Wise words,’ Billy says, leaping from the chair and giving me a kiss, before heading out of the door with a spring in his step, presumably eager to retrieve the script from wherever Dee has put it.

  I grip the sofa to steady myself and take a deep breath. Even though I know I’m doing the right thing I can’t stop the fear from forming and trying to take over.

  Two hours later, when I’m on the sofa trying to read Thomas Hardy’s Jude the Obscure (and failing to block out thoughts of Billy and the movie, as he silently reads next to me), Billy turns over the last page of the script and exhales loudly.

  ‘Bloody hell …’ he whispers, looking at the blank back page.

  ‘Good?’ I ask casually over the top of my book, though my heart is pounding.

  ‘Unbelievable,’ he says, his face moving into a thoughtful frown as he lifts the bound manuscript and cradles it in his arms, looking extremely protective over the thing he wanted nothing to do with just hours before.

  ‘Thoughts?’ I ask, longing to know more about whether or not he’s going to take this role – and whether we’re going to be forced into being apart.

  He shakes his head, unable to look at me.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I say, nudging his leg with my own. I need him to know that, whatever happens, I’m still going to be supportive. After all, reading the script was my idea.

  ‘Shit …’ Billy mutters, looking desperately torn as he shakes his head and burrows his face into his hand.

  ‘Billy …’

  ‘I shouldn’t have read it,’ he mumbles.

  ‘Yes, you should’ve.’

  ‘I should’ve burnt it or –’

  ‘You did the right thing, and I think you’ll do the right thing again now you’ve read it.’

  ‘But it’s filming here,’ he says, unable to hide the panic and desperation in his voice. He seems paler than ever as he stews over what I’ve been thinking about since he turned over the first page of the script for The Pious.

  Of course, I suspected it was going to be every inch as fantastic as they said. Their passion felt like more than just cocky industry talk, even to an outsider like me. That’s why I knew he had to read it, because I didn’t want Julie to be right and for Billy to forever resent the time he took off to spend with me.

  ‘Billy, we’ll cope,’ I say. Resting my hand on his thigh, I give it a little squeeze of reassurance.

  ‘It won’t be easy,’ he says, looking up at me with his dark Bambi-like eyes.

  ‘Nothing worth having ever is,’ I shrug.

  ‘You sure you’d be OK with it, though? I won’t be leaving you in the lurch at the shop?’

  ‘You were only really there as eye candy. It’ll probably be a lot quieter without you anyway,’ I joke, making him smile.

  ‘And you won’t be able to just stay here with me?’ he asks sadly, knowing the answer before he finishes asking the question.

  ‘If Molly was around she’d be packing my suitcases and kicking me out the door straight away,’ I laugh. ‘But things are different now. I have to be there. It’s my business,’ I say, smiling pensively. I realize Julie was at least right about one thing – I’m pinned down and unable to just mindlessly follow him around. Not that I’d find much happiness in that scenario, anyway.

  ‘I know …’ he nods, reaching over to tuck some of my hair behind my ear, his warm hand resting on the back of my neck. ‘Let’s not panic until we know more.’

  ‘Always good to know what there is to worry about first,’ I nod.

  ‘Exactly,’ he agrees, still looking torn, his own words clearly not making the decision any easier for him. ‘You would tell me though, if you really didn’t want me to do it?’

  ‘Billy!’ I sigh, taking his hand and cupping it in my own. ‘I made you read the bloody thing, didn’t I?’

  ‘I just want you to be happy.’

  ‘And I want us to be happy. It’s no good just having one happy person in a relationship. That’s not how they work,’ I say, hearing the truth in my own words.

  ‘Fair point.’

  ‘So, what happens next?’ I want to move the conversation forward before I have a chance to backtrack on everything I’ve said. Or cry again.

  ‘I guess I call Ralph or Richard. See if they still want me,’ Billy half laughs, shaking his head.

  ‘And then you’ll have to tell your mum. I’m sure the news will cheer her up,’ I smile, remembering I’m not meant to be aware of anything that’s happened since she stormed off at lunch.

  ‘Thank you, Sophie,’ he says, putting the script down and throwing both arms around me. ‘I promise I’ll do anything I can to make this as easy as possible for both of us. I meant what I said last night. You’re my forever.’

  ‘And you’re mine,’ I smile, although there’s a cynicism in me that’s grown over the years, that’s taught me that forever usually comes with a limited timespan. Look at Molly, Colin and my mum. They all thought they’d found their forever loves. In reality, forever only lasts for as long as it’s allowed to, until something else steps in and stops it from existing. Although that’s a dangerous train of thought to dwell on – it’s much better to embrace the now and live within whatever moment I’m in. ‘So what’s it about?’ I ask, tilting my head towards the script.

  Billy blows air through his lips in response and leans back into the sofa.

  ‘Sounds great,’ I laugh.

  ‘There’s just so much to it. It’s like The Matrix meets Avatar, meets … I actually don’t know how to finish that sentence. But, I guess it’s about having a purpose beyond our expectations.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘You have to read it.’

  ‘I will,’ I promise, hoping I’ll be able to get my head around the concept. ‘So what first? Your mum or Ralph?’

  ‘Ralph!’ Billy says, reaching for Ralph’s business card that was paper-clipped to the front of the script. ‘Mum can stew a little longer.’

  ‘I’ll leave you to it,’ I say, grabbing my phone and walkin
g out the door.

  Not wanting to be in the house where I might bump into people, I head for the decked area next to the swimming pool, the section with the comfier chairs. It’s dark, but lit with the soft glow from subtly placed (and expensive-looking) lamps. I unlock my phone, scroll through my contacts and call my own mum.

  ‘Hello?’ she croaks, sounding apprehensive and distant.

  My first instinct is to worry that something’s happened, that something has set her off balance, but then I remember the time back in England. ‘Mum, I’m so sorry,’ I whisper.

  ‘Sophie, it’s you,’ she breathes, allowing me to hear the smile that’s formed on her lips from hearing my voice.

  ‘I forgot about the time …’ I mutter sheepishly.

  ‘Don’t you worry, I couldn’t sleep anyway.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘No, and I missed actually speaking to you at midnight,’ she continues. ‘It didn’t feel right not talking to you again.’

  As we were seeing in the New Year seven hours after the UK, I managed to speak to them just before their midnight. I’ll be honest, I was surprised they were all awake still but they seemed to be on a total sugar high.

  ‘How was your night?’ she asks.

  ‘Great. Really lovely, actually.’

  ‘And today?’

  ‘Good,’ I fib, realizing my mum doesn’t need to know about Julie’s meltdown (the fewer people who know about that the better) and that she really doesn’t need to hear that she doesn’t think I’m a good fit for her son. ‘What about you guys?’

  ‘Colin talked us all into getting fish and chips and we’ve had yet another day walking about in the cold and relaxing on the sofa in front of the fire.’

  ‘Sounds heavenly,’ I smile, a huge part of me wishing I was there doing the same. ‘Crap, I’ve not woken Colin too, have I?’

  ‘No,’ Mum laughs. ‘He took them back to theirs tonight.’

  ‘Oh thank goodness,’ I sigh, feeling less guilty.

  ‘I’m going to meet him at the shop tomorrow. I think the kids are going to come in too as they’re still off school.’

  ‘Lovely,’ I say, trying to ignore the pang of longing that hits me, from wanting both to be with my family, and to be back in my safe haven of the shop.

  ‘Although we have started talking about a few important things …’ Mum continues hesitantly.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like where we’ll live,’ she says, pausing for a reaction.

  ‘Oh?’ is all I can manage.

  ‘We’ve not made any set plans or anything like that, but we know that we don’t want to be living apart once we’re married. It would be nice to be under one roof.’

  ‘Well, I guess that’s a fairly normal thing to happen for a man and wife.’

  ‘Yes. Daunting though, isn’t it? Very … final.’

  ‘You don’t need to sell the house, Mum. And there’s really no rush to do anything either,’ I say, not wanting to think too heavily about the possibility of having to say goodbye to my pink bedroom and my childhood home.

  ‘Oh, I know. Just have to give myself some time to get my head around it,’ she says slowly.

  ‘Yes, and remember why you want to do it. We’re moving forward, Mum. And that’s always a good thing,’ I say, reassuring myself as well as her.

  ‘No point just living with the ghosts from the past, got to let some humans in too,’ she chuckles, a sound I’m happy to hear. ‘How’s it been there, anyway? Is it beautiful?’

  ‘LA is stunning and hot,’ I say, looking out at the stunning view, with the lights of the city laid out in front of me.

  ‘I’m so jealous. It’s miserable here.’

  ‘No snow yet?’

  ‘Just rain,’ she grumbles. ‘Wish we’d hijacked your holiday.’

  ‘You should’ve done,’ I say, finding myself thinking about how differently I’d feel if I had my supportive patchwork of a family by my side.

  ‘Is Billy loving it?’

  ‘Yes,’ I nod. ‘It’s so funny seeing him here. It’s a different world to Rosefont, that’s for sure.’

  ‘Bad different?’

  ‘No,’ I say, thinking about the fun I’ve managed to have here already. ‘It’s just not a quaint little village tucked away in the countryside. It’s huge for a start and we have to drive everywhere because it’s all so spread out … Then there’s the press.’

  ‘They’re not hounding you, are they? Because I keep seeing lots of pictures everywhere. Looks like they’re permanently on your case.’

  ‘It’s not that bad. Just not what I’m used to … but the place, the food, the people – that’s all great,’ I add quickly.

  ‘So you’d be happy to go back there? You’ve not been scared off?’

  ‘Of course,’ I find myself saying, failing to tell her that it’s likely I’ll be back out here sooner rather than later thanks to Billy’s new opportunity.

  I must have fallen asleep at some point, as I’m woken up by Billy placing a blanket over my body and squishing in next to me on the chair, his arm wrapping around me as his face nuzzles into my neck.

  ‘How’d it go?’ I murmur, slowly waking up.

  ‘Brilliantly. I spoke to Ralph – he was chuffed.’

  ‘Ha! There’s a surprise,’ I smile.

  ‘I didn’t realize, but they’re keen to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible.’

  ‘Really?’ I ask, his words waking me up more.

  ‘Now they’ve got me on board they’re hoping everything else will slot into place.’

  ‘So when do they think they’ll start filming?’

  ‘March, but they’ve asked if I’d be here for some screen tests with other actors they’ve already seen, and then come back for training in February …’

  ‘Training?’

  ‘There’s lots of stunts. It’s quite physical.’

  ‘Sounds full on,’ I say, trying to sound as positive as possible. ‘When are they doing the screen tests?’

  ‘There’s the annoying bit,’ Billy sighs. ‘They were hoping to contact a few agents and get people in before we head back, but I’m not sure that’s going to be possible, so I might have to stay out here for another couple of weeks.’

  ‘So I’d have to fly home without you?’ I practically squeak.

  ‘Soph, I’m so sorry …’

  ‘No, no – that’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it. I thought these things usually take a bit more time to arrange,’ I say, though inside I feel as though something’s breaking. I hadn’t realized I’d talked him into doing something that would have such an instant effect on our lives – I thought I’d at least have a month or so to prepare.

  ‘I’m sure they could reschedule a bit –’

  ‘I think they’ve been chasing after you quite enough,’ I say, not wanting to make things any more difficult for him or them. ‘We’ll cope.’

  ‘Well, we still have at least a week here before you have to go home, anyway. I promise I’m not letting you out of my sight the whole time you’re here,’ he says softly, kissing me on the cheek.

  ‘There’s a lovely thought,’ I reply.

  Suddenly I feel a pressure on me, immediately making me want to change the subject and do something else. Although I think it’s more the conversation and reality of what’s to come spurring me into action, I sit up in the seat, wrapping the blanket tighter around me.

  ‘I spoke to Mum,’ I say, still rearranging myself.

  ‘Is she OK?’ Billy asks, looking at me with a concerned expression on his face.

  ‘Fine – she’s talking about selling the house so that she and Colin can live together.’

  ‘Blimey. Are you OK with that?’

  ‘I’m an adult. I need to be,’ I shrug, realizing I’m deflecting the discussion of one issue by talking about another. ‘It’s just bricks and mortar.’

  ‘You and I know your attachment to the place goes a bit deeper than the décor,’ he
says, sitting up and taking my hands in his.

  ‘Very true,’ I sigh, comforted by the fact Billy understands that my childhood home is one of the last remaining ties to Dad, especially my bedroom, which I have fond memories of us painting together. ‘To be honest, it’s probably time I stopped living with my mum anyway. It just means there’ll be a lot of changes happening this year.’

  ‘Change isn’t a bad thing,’ he offers.

  ‘I know, I just like the security of knowing exactly how things will be. I’m not good in limbo,’ I confide.

  ‘Maybe don’t think of it as limbo, though. Maybe it should be more about possibility, and that, this year, anything could happen?’ Billy says, his fingertips tracing along my cheek.

  ‘Anything could happen …’ I think, mulling over the words. ‘It’s a nice, but terrifying, idea.’

  Billy laughs. ‘Well, I promise that wherever you’re limbo-ing, I’ll always be right behind you, ready to catch you if it gets too much.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I say, turning my head and kissing him as I try to ignore the feeling of doubt niggling away in my chest.

  I adore hearing him declare his love so freely, though I’m also aware of how the last few hours have caused a huge shift to occur in the lives ahead of us. I felt so whole and content before coming here, but now I look into the future and see uncertainty threatening its way into view.

  It’s a scary sight. One I wish I could ignore.

  14

  Julie is like a completely different person when I see her the next morning at breakfast. Whereas yesterday she looked angry, haggard and desperate, today she seems joyous, flawless and serene.

  ‘Sophie,’ she calls, getting up from the kitchen counter as soon as we walk into the room. Seeing as the family cook hardly any of their own meals, they sure spend a lot of time in here. Even with staff it seems to have remained the hub of the house.

  Julie wraps her arms around me and gives me the tightest hug I’ve ever had.