Always With Love

by Giovanna Fletcher

  ‘Well, yes, and I’m the same in my own way. Minus all the kid chat.’

  ‘Fancy that, two women at completely different stages in their lives, feeling the same void if left without a purpose for too long,’ she muses, mostly to herself. ‘I wonder how many other women feel that way?’

  ‘And men …’

  ‘True. Best not be sexist,’ she mutters. ‘We’re all just looking for a purpose. Something to help us get up in the morning.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ I nod.

  ‘Sophie, I honestly can’t thank you enough for letting me work in here. I hope you know how much I love it. Sure beats sitting at home and watching the hours tick by until I need to pick up the boys. Plus, and I know this’ll sound totally crackers, but I feel like I’m starting to find myself again. When I’m here I’m not Shane’s wife or the mum of twins. Not all the time anyway. I’m Rachel. People talk to me. I’m not some bystander in the life of others.’

  ‘I only gave you a job.’

  ‘Is that all it is?’ she questions, just as the door opens and in walks the first customer of the day. Ending our conversation.

  18

  Later on, once Rachel’s gone to pick up her boys and the afternoon customers have left, Mum pops in.

  ‘Everything all right?’ I ask, halfway through wiping down the tables. I did think once about discarding the mismatched PVC floral tablecloths and leaving the wooden tables bare, but it’s amazing how different it made the place look. It felt more like a pub almost, so the tablecloths reappeared and I’ve made a promise not to ditch them ever again.

  ‘Of course,’ she replies, sighing as she pulls out a chair and sits down. ‘Just thought I’d wait for you so we can walk home together for a change.’

  ‘Lovely,’ I smile, realizing it’s something we rarely do, even though we only work at opposite ends of the high street. ‘Would you like a drink while you wait?’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Mum says, standing up and walking behind the counter. She pours herself a boiling mug of water before adding a camomile teabag. ‘So Colin and I talked a bit more at lunch.’

  ‘About moving?’ I ask, feeling my chest tighten. The conversation hasn’t been brought up again since I got back last month. A part of me was (naively) hoping the topic had been parked and forgotten about.

  ‘No. About the wedding, actually,’ she replies, walking back to her seat.

  ‘Oooh!’ I say, relief allowing me to giggle as I remember the emotional night Colin proposed in this very room.

  ‘Now, you’re probably going to hate the idea, so please say no if you don’t want to,’ she says, looking pained and excited all at once. ‘But, I’d really like you to give me away.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I thought you were going to ask me to be a bridesmaid,’ I admit, although even the thought of that made me feel a little queasy.

  ‘Are you disappointed?’

  ‘No …’ I say, shaking my head and trying to work out exactly how the question has made me feel. ‘I just hadn’t thought about you being given away.’

  ‘It’s more of a traditional thing,’ Mum says into her mug as she dunks her teabag in and out of the water.

  ‘It’s quite a symbolic moment, Mum.’

  ‘Well, yes. But there’s no one I’d rather have by my side …’ she says, looking up at me with an imploring expression on her face.

  ‘I see.’

  ‘It would mean the world to me, actually, to have you walking me from one life into the next. As though you’re making that transition with me. That would mean so much,’ she says wistfully. ‘I’m not leaving you. I’ll always be yours, Soph.’

  ‘Oh Mum,’ I say, a sob escaping from nowhere. ‘I know you’re not going anywhere, and I can’t tell you how honoured I’d be to lead you into Colin’s arms,’ I add, knowing my words are true and not just to appease her worried heart.

  ‘Thank you,’ Mum says, her own eyes brimming with tears as she stands and walks over to me, pulling me into an embrace. ‘I love you.’

  ‘And I love you, Mum,’ I sniff, enjoying our physical closeness.

  We stay in that hug for a while and I breathe in the familiarity of her. I try my best to savour the moment, to make the most of it.

  Mum kisses me on the forehead and backs off with a sigh, grabbing a chair and taking a seat.

  ‘Have you talked any more about a date?’ I ask, catching my breath as I wipe down the last table.

  ‘Yes. We’re thinking May or June this year,’ she reveals with a shy smile as she sorts through the sugar sachets on the table and rearranges them back into colour order. ‘I know it’s soon, but it’s only going to be a small thing. You, me, Billy, and then Colin, Aaron and Charlotte.’

  ‘That’s it? You’re sure?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ she nods, looking up at me. ‘All we care about is having you lot with us. You’re our beacons of hope. Our family.’

  ‘Our patchwork family,’ I smile, thinking of something Billy once said to me, and of the wonderful patchwork quilt he got me for Christmas last year.

  ‘Yes,’ she smiles. ‘And afterwards, if it’s OK with you, we’d love to come here for a little celebration.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Why not,’ Mum asks. ‘It’s the perfect place – understated, full of love, and it already holds special memories for us all.’

  ‘It’ll be lovely,’ I say, finding Mum’s smile infectious.

  ‘Glad you think so.’

  ‘What are you going to wear?’

  ‘Nothing traditional. I’m not going to be dressed in a big white meringue, but I thought it would be nice to go shopping with you and Charlotte at some point. Find something special that I won’t feel silly in,’ she says, putting the sugar pot back in its place and sipping on her tea. ‘I think it’s important to include Charlotte.’

  ‘I agree. She’ll love it,’ I smile, thinking how excited she’ll be to have a girls’ day out.

  ‘I do hope so,’ Mum says thoughtfully. ‘I hope I’m not going to be a failure to them both. A wicked step-mum who they both hate and despise.’

  ‘Mum! They adore you,’ I laugh, shocked to hear this is a genuine concern of hers.

  ‘Oh, I know they like me, but I’m not their real mum. It’s such a tricky situation.’

  ‘Well, I for one think you and Colin handle the whole thing in such a beautiful way,’ I say, leaning in front of her so that she can see that I mean what I’m saying. Mum breaks eye contact with me and sighs into her cup.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I just wish I’d done the same with you.’

  ‘We coped, Mum,’ I say, grabbing her hand.

  ‘Eventually,’ she adds, looking up at me with a sad smile.

  ‘We still coped. Those kids are lucky to have you, Mum,’ I say passionately. ‘And I’m so thrilled to be welcoming them and Colin officially into our family. We work. All of us together living in the present and moving forward. We work. It’s something you don’t need to question.’

  ‘You’re right,’ she says with a deep breath, seeming a tad happier now she’s voiced the thought.

  ‘Now, let’s stop nattering and get finished here. Otherwise we might never get home and I’m starving!’ I laugh, giving her a kiss on the cheek before heading behind the counter, grabbing my coat and switching off the coffee machine. I loop my arm through hers and we head for the door.

  Monday 22nd February 2016

  Dearest Billy,

  Is that too formal? I feel like I’m really channelling my inner Jane Austen when writing to you and it always makes me giggle. I hope you know I’m putting on an accent in my head when I write these. I’m like a 1950s radio announcer, speaking in heightened RP. Terribly posh, you know, with all the Ts and Ds present.

  I want to start by saying that Rachel is great. Sadly this might mean that you’ve lost your job, but there is still a Saturday position available, so all hope is not lost (just the majority of it
). My only worry is that she’ll say it’s all too much and quit, but it doesn’t seem the case at the moment. If anything, she says it’s given her a newfound energy. I love that the shop is still providing people with such life-affirming realizations. Molly would certainly approve.

  In other news, Mum’s asked me to give her away. I know … WOW! I was slightly shell-shocked at first, but now I’m thrilled to be taking on such an integral role and to be there for Mum right up until the pinnacle moment.

  They’re planning on a wedding in May or June, which is perfect as you’ll be back by then. If everything runs to schedule at least! Also, they’re going to have a little party afterwards in the shop – just us lot. I might ask Rachel if she wants to help set up and then serve though. I’m sure she won’t mind and it’ll mean we can all just enjoy the day.

  As for me coming to see you, gosh, it’s a tricky one. I want to make sure Rachel feels comfortable with everything in the shop first. She’s got her own chores perfected, but it’ll take some practice for her to do my load as well. Although the good news is that she can definitely bake! Hopefully I won’t feel too bad at the thought of leaving her once she’s had a bit more time here. Saying that, I know Colin would help out too. It’s not like I’d be suddenly asking the poor woman to run the place alone …

  Sorry, went off on a tangent.

  I hope you’re having a wonderful time there and that the sun is shining.

  Send my love to your family. Oh, and tell Lauren I read one of her books and really enjoyed it. It might not be what I’d normally go for, but it certainly took me off into another world.

  Missing you so much.

  Love you,

  Sophie xxx

  Tuesday 1st March 2016

  My dearest Sophie,

  Now I also have a silly voice in my head when I write! Actually, the thought made me laugh so much that I’ve started reading them out loud as I write them, too. Although rather than someone prim and proper like Jane Austen I feel like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. You probably won’t have ever seen that show (which is a little perplexing as it’s definitely targeted more at you than me), but it’s about four single women in NYC, one of which has a weekly column for a newspaper and can often be seen sat at her desk typing away while her highly provocative and enlightening words are voiced out loud. Gripping stuff … Anyway, I’ve started to feel like her.

  Can’t believe we’ve struggled to have a decent phone call since your chat with your mum. I hate being in a different time zone. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for my long days on set and them being a mishmash of days and nights. The hours are ridiculous. Seriously, Ralph is certainly getting his money’s worth on this shoot. I don’t stop.

  Anyway, I just want to put in writing (for the record) that I think you giving your mum away will be such a beautiful moment for the two of you. I’d say me and my mum are fairly close (when she’s not doing my nut in and trying to force me into things I don’t want to do), but you and your mum have experienced so much more together. The respect and love between you both is something I truly admire. It’s so special.

  I’m chuffed to be ring bearer too! I was worried with Aaron there as best man (I still find that heart-melting stuff) and Charlotte there as The Boss of All Bridesmaids Ever (she told me that’s her official title), that I’d be the only one without a role. Colin was such a blundering mess when he asked. I won’t lie, it got me all choked up. Bless him.

  So glad things with Rachel are working out. Not surprised she’s taking to everything really easily – she’s been running around after twin boys for years. Compared to that, being in the shop with you must seem like a doddle. I can’t believe I’ve lost my job to her though. Damn her and her efficiency.

  Things are ridiculous here. Since the announcement about the casting, the press have been really on at me. It’s not nice at all. I’m just thankful to be heading to the studio every day, otherwise I think I’d quickly go mad. All the cast and crew are lovely, though. And Ralph is on a whole other level of genius compared to any other director I’ve ever worked with. He’s so deep and profound – sometimes I just find myself nodding as though I know what he’s on about but really I haven’t a clue. I don’t want to look like a total airhead. I’m getting away with it so far but I’m bound to trip up at some point.

  We had a surprise visitor turn up last night – that little brother of mine. He’s only here for a couple of days, but it’s already been so good to see him and hear his news. New York is certainly keeping him busy.

  Everyone sends their love. Lauren says she’s halfway through Jane Eyre and is ‘surprisingly’ loving it.

  Missing you silly amounts.

  Please book a flight soon.

  Always with love,

  Your Billy Buskin xxx

  Monday 7th March 2016

  Dearest Billy,

  Sex and the City doesn’t sound like the sort of thing I’d watch with Mum by my side, so maybe I’ll have to give that one a miss. Ha!

  Amazing that Jay has been there with you … I bet you’re loving having some male company in the house besides your dad.

  I’m really missing you this week. I know that’s silly, but it’s suddenly hit me. I think I was in a bit of denial before, or caught up with the hilarity and excitement that I’m now someone’s actual boss. OFFICIALLY!

  It’s lovely having someone in the shop with me, although it does suck that they’re not you. I think I was absorbed in the novelty the first week, but the last two weeks I’ve been hit with the reality that you’re not here and that I don’t know when I’m going to be able to see you next. It really sucks … and you’re right, not being able to talk on the phone whenever we like really isn’t helping.

  Sorry if I seem a bit of a grump, I guess that’s why it’s taken me a while to write. I’m fine, honestly – just missing having you by my side to talk nonsense to all day long and to cuddle up to at night. But I’m going to the cinema tonight with Charlotte and Aaron to watch some Disney movie while Mum and Colin have a ‘date night’. So I’m sure that’ll cheer me up – those two never fail to put a smile on my face.

  I probably shouldn’t send this. All our letters have been light and bubbly so far and I don’t want you worrying about me. But then I hate keeping things from you too. I’d want to know if you were down. Blah!

  Love you always and forever!

  Sophie xxx

  I look at the writing on the page that I’ve just scribbled down. What is it about writing that allows feelings to find their way out of your head in a way that would be near impossible on the phone or ‘face to face’ on Skype? It just feels more permanent to lie in the written form, and it’s tougher to put on a brave face even if you’re more hidden than ever.

  I think about not posting the letter, as I wrote, but somehow I find myself slipping it into the red postbox on my way to work the next morning anyway. I tell myself that I’ll just have to warn Billy that a sadder letter is on its way to him, and not to take too much notice of it. We both have to face the reality of the situation we’re in and get on with it.

  19

  Tuesday 8th March 2016

  Dearest Sophie,

  I haven’t received the grumpy letter you phoned to warn me about yet, but I hate to think of you so far away and down about the situation. Please know I’m not finding this easy either. I imagine it’s simple to think I’m over here ‘living the life’ on a film set, but you know how boring these things actually are. I’m keeping my head down other than being there. My life is literally here at home, there on set, in the rehearsal room, or in my trailer. I’m enjoying the work though. I don’t want you worrying about me either.

  Now, I know you might tell me off for this, but you miss me (sounds like your letter is going to declare it quite plainly) so I’m hoping it won’t make you too angry … I’ve phoned and spoken to Rachel, Colin and your mum. They’ve cleared a week for you to come and visit … SURPRISE! The flights are all book
ed. Once you get this I’ll email all the booking confirmation over so you know all the details. I’ll be honest, I was going to organize it for you to be here for two whole weeks, but figured you’d worry it was too long away from the shop – you are a businesswoman nowadays and I respect that you have your own life to lead and can’t just drop everything as and when. I hope me helping plan it has lessened your guilt or worry though. So sorry it’s you having to travel to me and not the other way round. Soon I’ll be back in Rosefont – albeit jobless. ;-)

  Hopefully you’re wearing a great big smile now or dropping a few tears of joy.

  I love you.

  Always with love,

  Your Billy Buskin xxx

  Yes, his words make me smile and cry, but mostly they make me laugh. I can’t help but giggle at the thought of finally seeing him as I cover my face with the letter he’s sent me. Four weeks is such a long time to be separated from someone when you’re used to seeing them every day.

  I should have just booked the flights. I didn’t realize just knowing I would be seeing Billy would bring me so much happiness. I should have known there was a simple solution and that Rachel and my wonderful family would selflessly help out. Besides, Rachel has been here a month now and has proved she’s more than capable of coping without me.

  I grab my phone, unlock it and tap on Billy’s name. There’s a short delay before the all-too-familiar international dialling tone starts. He doesn’t pick up. Hardly surprising as it’s after midnight over there and we’ve already spoken this morning. I opt to text him instead.

  I just opened your letter – I can’t tell you how excited I am. I want to know more. Wake up! Love you. Thank you!

  ‘Something’s certainly made you smile today,’ smirks Rachel as she walks through the shop door a few minutes later. ‘I can only imagine what.’