Always With Love

by Giovanna Fletcher

  ‘No one’s perfect,’ I shrug, not wanting to argue about something completely off topic when there’s already so much to talk about and sort through.

  ‘She loves you.’

  ‘Come on,’ I say, rolling my eyes.

  ‘Seriously … they all do,’ he says, placing an arm around me and pulling me into his chest.

  I tentatively place my hands on his hips and take a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of his strong arms around me, but also scared of what’s to come. Now that he’s here, in my new home, I understand how much I’d hate to lose him.

  Eventually Billy pulls away from me and walks back into the kitchen.

  ‘Let’s sit down,’ he says, pulling out a couple of chairs, sitting and resting his arms on the table.

  ‘You must be shattered,’ I say, remembering he only flew in this morning.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘We can talk about this tomorrow if you’d rather?’ I suggest, my voice cracking as I say it, knowing it’s not what I want.

  ‘I’ve travelled five thousand miles to see the love of my life,’ he says, his lips pursing together. ‘I want to make sure I’m not about to lose her …’

  ‘I thought I was about to lose you,’ I confess, feeling my face crumple.

  ‘Sounds like we’ve both been a bit scared, then.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I nod, nibbling on my bottom lip.

  His hand cups one of my cheeks while his lips find the other.

  He places his forehead against mine, and there we rest with our eyes closed for a few moments. Silently in thought.

  ‘OK,’ he whispers eventually, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath. ‘Now it’s my turn to do the talking … I know I made a bold statement last year about leaving acting behind and opting for a simpler, more fulfilling life with you. Though please notice I said nothing about chasing normality,’ he says intently, looking me in the eye to make sure I know his mum’s choice of words is not his own.

  I give a modest nod.

  ‘I know I’ve backtracked on what I said and can see that it might have made you feel like my priorities have changed or that I’m suddenly not as into you as I was …’ he says, placing a hand on my knee. ‘But that couldn’t be further from the truth, baby. It makes me sad to think you think that. If anything I’m doing all of this for you, for us, for our future.

  ‘I’ve fallen back in love with acting – that’s true. But performing is for me what the shop is for you. I wouldn’t want you to have to choose between me and your life here, and I know you wouldn’t ask me to do the same with you and acting. I know we’ve had a couple of wobbly patches while I’ve been out in LA, but we’re both learning how to cope and adapt,’ he states, his thumb gliding along the fabric of my dress on top of my kneecaps. ‘It’s not easy, we knew it wouldn’t be. We do have to compromise, but I don’t want that compromise meaning either of us is left unhappy. It’s about finding a balance and realizing that having something else in our lives doesn’t have to mean we love each other any less.’

  ‘I know that …’ I frown, wishing it were as simple as it sounds.

  ‘You’ll always be my top priority when it matters.’

  ‘But how can you distinguish when it matters and when it doesn’t?’ I ask calmly.

  ‘Well, I hope I’ll be intuitive on that, but I’m bound to get it wrong occasionally. I know I did this time round.’

  ‘You’re not the only one,’ I groan, thinking back to Peter.

  ‘And if that happens again we have to be honest in the moment. Call each other out on it,’ he says, gripping hold of my hand. ‘Rhonda is on our side. Three months on, three months off, that’s what we’ve got planned. And if that doesn’t pan out then we’ll scrap that idea and come up with a new strategy. Nothing is set in stone and making sure we’re both happy is more important than anything else,’ Billy says firmly, a frown forming along his brow as he says it. ‘Don’t forget, Rhonda wasn’t involved when I signed this deal. It’ll be different next time.’

  ‘With Rhonda cracking the whip?’ I joke.

  ‘Exactly, she’ll make sure it’s not as demanding or strenuous.’ Billy smiles, taking a deep breath as his eyes well up, emotion getting the better of him. ‘You spoke earlier about how I changed your life. Well, before you came along I’d lost my way with acting. I know people will think it’s the BAFTA that gave me focus and drive again, but I think they’ll find I went off the rails after that too. You taking over this place reignited my passion and love for the craft. Watching you in the shop, in a place where you visibly shine and thrive, working so reverently and relentlessly to make your vision work. Watching you made me realize I simply needed a fresh injection of energy, like the kind I’ve seen you pour so lovingly into this business,’ he smiles, stroking my hand. ‘Can’t you see you inspire people, Sophie May? You should. Because it’s not just me you’ve had an effect on. Take a look at that crazy little sister of mine. Lauren’s about to start chasing her own set of dreams in Paris and seeing as she’s talked nonstop about you and everything you’ve achieved since the first day she met you, there’s no denying you’ve been a positive role model to her.’

  It’s lovely to hear him talk this way and to hear he understands how much the shop has given me, but I’m startled by him saying it’s my focus that’s inspired him and Lauren. That I really wasn’t expecting. I can’t believe I warrant such huge praise. When I think of the difficulty I’ve had trying to depict what I want from life and how long it’s taken me to find a place I feel secure and stable, it’s hard to imagine others have looked on and been compelled to act.

  ‘I just want you to see that my world is a brighter place with you in it,’ he declares, his hands sliding on to my bare arms. ‘You make me work harder. You stop me from slinking off into a dangerous place. Do you know how nice it was being in LA and not being led by the night scene or column inches? Ironic I know, seeing what happened on the only night I did go out. But I need you to understand that I feel great because of the motivation you encouraged me to have … I want you to see I’m still the same guy you fell in love with, but mostly I need you to accept that you are the only girl who has made me question myself, doubt myself and then build myself into a better person.’

  ‘But what about all the time we’re going to be apart?’ I whisper. No matter how much we love each other, living separately is going to be a normal occurrence for us.

  ‘I get it. You need a sense of permanence, of future security. Right?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah …’ I mutter, shocked he’s able to see it in such simple terms.

  ‘I’m not angry that you’ve decided to fortify a life here,’ Billy shrugs, shaking his head as he looks around the room. ‘I actually love what you’ve done. I love that you’ve created somewhere that makes you content, because that’s how I want you to feel. I want to share it with you as much as I can …’

  ‘Same.’

  ‘This can be our base. Our home. We might just have to be a little flexible with it.’

  ‘How?’ I ask. I’m not trying to sound difficult but I want us to find a solution where we can both have what we want and stay together.

  ‘I’ll be here as much as I can be and we’ll juggle around the times I have work,’ he sighs, his eyes pleading at me not to give up. ‘My jobs are not always going to be in LA. Those working periods aren’t always going to be thousands of miles away or even in film. I can do another stint in the West End and still come back here every night. It can work,’ he insists.

  ‘You make it sound so easy.’

  ‘I know it’s not and I’m not saying we have to live this way forever, but for now let’s make it work so that we can build the future we want together. Because none of this means anything without you by my side … You’re the one I want to share it all with, whether we’re together in the same room or thousands of miles apart. Love makes the world a better place and I want the life I lead to be one that’s driven always with love. With you.’
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  ‘That’s how I feel,’ I say, feeling tears spring to my eyes and hearing my heart sing at his words.

  ‘I know I offer unpredictability when all you want is stability. I appreciate how difficult that must be for you, but I also promise to love you for as long as you will allow me to. We’re not going to have a conventional life together, but I hope with all my heart that we have a happy one.’

  ‘I hope so too,’ I laugh with a sob.

  And then, slowly, Billy slides from his chair and on to the floor in front of me.

  With one knee bent in front of him, his fingers gently stroke the bottom of my chin, bringing my eyes up to his. ‘Sophie May, I’ve thought so much about how this moment would play out and doing it like this didn’t enter my mind once,’ he laughs, shaking his head as his beautiful brown eyes fill with tears, prompting my own to do the same. ‘But now I see that I don’t need an over-the-top setting to tell you that I love you with all my heart. That you are my one. My only.’ He pauses. ‘I’m not perfect, but I’m all yours. Will you marry me? Will you let me be your husband?’

  I’m rendered speechless. Never in a million years did I expect that question to fall from his lips. Not tonight.

  But as I sob, something clicks into place inside me. A house is only bricks and mortar, just as we discussed all those months ago, standing in his LA mansion. Yet what turns those man-made materials into a home is the people it houses, the people we surround ourselves with and those we let into our hearts.

  As Billy kneels on my kitchen floor offering his own heart to me, I realize my own desire for a piece of rubble isn’t what I’ve actually been craving. Instead, I’ve needed to know that I’m unequivocally and unquestionably loved, and that whoever I choose to give my own fragile heart to can be trusted to house it and keep it safe alongside their own.

  I’m left in no doubt that Billy will do his utmost to do just that.

  And slowly, I nod my head and accept.

  Acknowledgements

  This book wouldn’t have happened without a lot of great people encouraging me and giving me a little love when needed/necessary.

  Huge thanks to:

  My wonderful agent, Hannah Ferguson, who’s still continuing to reply to my emails even though she’s welcomed gorgeous Nell into her life and should be on maternity leave. HELLO, NELL!

  The fabulous teams at The Marsh Agency and Hardman & Swainson – thanks for spreading the book love far and wide.

  My waddle of Penguins – namely Maxine Hitchcock, Kimberley Atkins, Ellie Hughes, Claire Bush, Nick Lowndes and Fiona Brown. But also everyone in the multiple departments who continue to make me proud to be part of the colony.

  You, the reader. Without you devouring my work and showing your support there really wouldn’t be any books! I hope I never disappoint you.

  My friends who I love and adore. It’s taken me three decades to realize how important it is to have positive people in my life and to banish the negative plonkers. You all rock!

  My super family who grow bigger by the year – Mum, Dad, Giorgie (and bump, AKA Little McClane), Chickpea, Mario, Debbie B, Debbie F, Bob and Carrie! You’re all brilliant humans. I’ll forever be thankful for the love you show me.

  Tom, Buzz and Buddy – my forever loves. No matter how busy life gets, finding time for you guys will always be my priority. I love you to the moon and back …

  Keep in touch with the latest news from Giovanna online!

  www.giovannasworld.com

  @MrsGiFletcher

  facebook.com/MrsGiFletcher

  Instagram.com/MrsGiFletcher

  youtube.com/giovannasworld

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  PENGUIN BOOKS

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  First published 2016

  Copyright © Giovanna Fletcher, 2016

  Cover illustration © Sarah Gibb

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  ISBN: 978-1-405-91925-8