by Susan Lewis
She continued to smile as she listened to him recounting the ‘earrings at the zoo’ story, which was clearly one of his favourites. The way he was telling it made it sound as though he’d forgotten all about it until today, with his surprises and chuckles and fake horror, reminding her of how he used to tell her stories when she was small.
When he’d finished she was ready with a special memory of her own, as much to keep him there as to place Jerry into their pictures of the past. ‘Do you remember the first time I brought him home to meet you?’ she said, a bubble of unsteady laughter rising up through her pain. ‘You and Mum had been out for lunch and were completely legless when you came back to find us waiting for you. You’d only forgotten about us! What kind of parents were you? Then you started hiccuping like a horse and Mum couldn’t stop laughing … I was so embarrassed and furious, then I realised Jerry was laughing too …’ Her eyes closed as she started to cringe. ‘Oh God, I’d made him wear his new uniform to try and impress you,’ she groaned. ‘He looked so ridiculous sitting there with his cap on, which I wouldn’t let him take off because I thought it made him look so dashing and important.’
‘It did,’ David assured her, ‘but it has to be said, ridiculous too, which was part of the reason your shamelessly inebriated mother couldn’t stop laughing.’
‘Poor Jerry,’ Rosalind intoned wistfully. ‘It’s a wonder he ever came back after that. I was so ghastly and uptight, and you two were so out of control.’
‘You tried to send us to bed, which made us laugh even harder, and as for Jerry, I don’t think he ever really left after that, because apart from when he was in the air he always seemed to be with us.’
She sighed shakily. ‘Yes, he practically moved into our house, didn’t he?’ she said. ‘We were so mad about each other then and you were great parents, making him feel so welcome, and even letting us share a room.’
She waited for him to remind her that it had been her mother’s decision to allow that, because he’d never approved of his little girl sharing a bed with a ‘big hairy bloke, even if you were nineteen by then’, but he didn’t say anything, and as the awfulness of where she and Jerry were now descended over her like an avalanche she could feel herself becoming smothered again. ‘What am I going to do, Dad?’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want to lose him, but he said it’s already too late.’
Pulling her in closer, he said, ‘Would you like me to have a chat with him? I’m sure we can get this sorted …’
‘No, I mean yes, I would, but you can’t, because he’s always saying I’m too dependent on you as it is. But I have to try to get him to come home so we can talk, face to face. I’m sure that’ll make a difference, except if he’s gone back to her …’ Her words were swallowed by a wave of pure wretchedness. ‘He can’t go back to her, Dad,’ she sobbed. ‘He just can’t …’
‘Sssh, ssh,’ he soothed, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. ‘Would you like me to have a chat with him? I’m sure …’
‘No, I just said, he thinks I depend on you too much already. I need to try and sort this out for myself, but what am I going to do if he really has gone back to her? I won’t be able to bear it. I know I won’t.’
‘Did he actually say that’s what he’s done? Do you know for certain that’s where he is?’
‘He didn’t answer when I asked, but he didn’t deny it either.’ Her eyes closed as the image of a beautiful, mischievous blonde of twenty-five or less, with no grief issues, or difficult children, or any baggage at all to make her appear less than attractive, came up to taunt her. ‘He was flying to Cape Town last week,’ she choked, unable to stop another deluge of tears. ‘He’s obviously decided to stay there. Oh God, Dad, I’m such a mess. I shouldn’t be letting him get away with this, I know I shouldn’t. I ought to be telling him that I’ll never take him back, no matter what, but I couldn’t bear it …’
‘Sssh, ssh,’ he whispered again as she fought for breath.
‘Do you think I ought to go over there? I should, shouldn’t I? But what if he refuses to see me? It would be so awful to be there on my own, in a place I don’t know and with no one to talk to.’ She turned to look at him, her eyes bright with hope and tears. ‘You could come with me,’ she suggested tentatively. ‘He wouldn’t have to know you were there … We could check into a hotel and you could wait while I go …’ Already the energy was draining from her words. ‘You wouldn’t be able to get away, would you? She wouldn’t let you. Anyway, he’d find out somehow and then … No, forget it, it was a stupid idea. I just can’t think what else to do.’
Stroking her hair as she rested her head on his shoulder again, he said, ‘Would you like me to have a word with him? I could …’
‘Dad, please don’t keep saying that. I’ve already told you why it won’t work. I’ve got to figure this out for myself.’
They sat quietly then, listening to the rain beating the windows and the sound of Lawrence’s PlayStation bleeping and roaring in the TV room next door. Thinking of him in there alone, all shut up in his own little world, untouched, misunderstood and abandoned by his father, brought more tears flooding from her heart. ‘How can he do it to Lawrence?’ she sobbed. ‘I know he’s difficult and not the kind of son he wanted, but he’s still a human being …’
‘Jerry loves Lawrence very much,’ David assured her, ‘but it’s not always easy to show it, as you know very well.’
‘If Mum were here she’d know what to do. Oh God, Dad, what’s happening to my life? First Mum goes, then Jerry, and I’m losing you too …’
‘You are not losing me,’ he told her firmly.
‘Do you swear it? You won’t let her come between us? Lawrence needs you …’
‘Shush now. I’ll always be here for you. Nothing will ever change that, even when I’m married you’ll still be …’ He swallowed and put a hand to his head. ‘Lisa has no intention of trying to come between us,’ he said faintly. ‘She understands how important you and Lawrence are to me.’
‘Will she let you spend the day with me next Wednesday? I don’t want to be on my own for the anniversary, Dad. Please say you’ll come?’
He didn’t know what to say.
‘Oh, please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten …’
‘Of course not, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking …’
‘We can do something special, the three of us? Lawrence will like that. Maybe we could go and find him a dog? He keeps saying he wants Lucy, but if we got him one of his own …’
‘That sounds like a good idea.’ He made a surreptitious glance at his watch. ‘Actually, I should probably pop in there and see him before I go …’
‘You’re not leaving yet,’ she protested.
‘I’ll have to go soon … No, not if you don’t want me to. I should call Lisa though, to let her know I’m still here.’
‘Why don’t you stay for dinner? I haven’t seen you for ages and in the circumstances …’
‘Darling …’
‘I made an Indian meal for Jerry yesterday …’
‘I’d love to stay, but Lisa and I have only just got back and …’
‘It’s OK. I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that she has to come first now, I just need some time to get used to it. She knows you’ve promised to help me with the business this summer?’
When he didn’t answer she turned to look at him. ‘Dad! You promised …’
‘Of course I can help you,’ he assured her. ‘It had just slipped my mind …’
‘Please don’t back out. There’s such a lot going on and I need your advice, especially now all this has happened with Jerry. My head’s going to be all over the place and the accountant’s …’
‘It’s all right,’ he interrupted. ‘I’m going to help. I was just …’ He broke off as Lawrence suddenly burst into the room.
‘David,’ he cried. ‘Where is Lucy?’
‘She’s at home,’ he told him.
‘I want Lucy.’
‘Well,
first of all, that’s no way to ask, and second you know very well that she’s not yours. But guess what, we’re going to get you a dog of your own.’ He threw out his arms as though he’d just performed a conjuring trick.
‘I want Lucy,’ Lawrence insisted, stamping a foot.
With a sigh, David got up, saying, ‘Come on, let’s go and search the Internet to see if we can find some retriever puppies.’
Loving the way her father rarely seemed fazed by Lawrence, Rosalind said, ‘Shall I bring you another drink? We might as well finish off the bottle now.’
Seeming not to have heard, David walked Lawrence into the study to sit down at the computer, while Rosalind, feeling suitably guilty about what she was intending to do, went ahead anyway and poured her father another very large glass of wine. If he drank it all he’d be over the limit, so unable to drive home. And she wouldn’t be able to take him herself, because she’d already had too much.
Lisa was in the pool, swimming languorously back and forth with a mellow jazz tune drifting from the surrounding speakers, when her iPhone started to ring. Speeding up to reach the edge, she got there before it went through to messages.
‘Hi darling,’ she said, seeing it was David. ‘How’s it going?’
‘I’m afraid she’s pretty cut up,’ he replied, ‘and Lawrence isn’t helping much by being a pain about Lucy. We’re going to try and get him a dog of his own next week, hopefully that’ll keep him quiet. What are you up to?’
With a smile she said, ‘Right now, I’m sitting on the edge of our wonderful swimming pool staring out at the rain and thinking how much more wonderful it would be if you were here too.’
His voice was jagged with awkwardness as he said, ‘Believe me, there’s nothing I’d like better, but I think I’ll have to stay here tonight. Rosalind’s not coping too well and she’s had quite a lot to drink. To be honest, I’ve probably overdone it too.’
‘Oh, David,’ she groaned, trying not to sound angry, but not quite succeeding. ‘I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but this is our first night back …’
‘I know, I know. It’ll just be tonight. I’ll be home in time for breakfast.’
‘Will you?’ she said tartly. ‘Or will she have come up with another way to keep you there by then?’
‘I promise I’ll be back by nine at the latest. Why don’t you invite Amy and Theo over tonight?’
‘First of all, don’t patronise me. And secondly, because it’s too short notice. Actually, they’ve invited us for dinner next Saturday. Apparently they have some news.’
‘Oh? Any ideas?’
‘Not really.’ In fact that wasn’t true, because she half suspected Amy was going to announce she was pregnant, and if she was, thrilled as Lisa would be for her, she knew she’d feel deeply envious too. ‘You know,’ she said shortly, ‘I’m trying very hard not to be fed up about you staying there tonight.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he sighed. ‘I’ll make it up to you when I get home, but I really wouldn’t feel good about leaving her now.’
Sighing too, she said, ‘So what’s the news on Jerry? Has he gone back to this other woman?’
‘Um, uh,’ he mumbled.
Guessing Rosalind must have come into the room, she felt a spark of sympathy for Jerry as she considered how long he’d been trying to deal with his wife’s dependency on her father. ‘Well, I suppose I’d better get used to the fact that I’ve lost you for tonight, and go and prepare my lonely supper,’ she said, not liking how sour she sounded, but hell, why shouldn’t she? ‘Will you call again to say good night?’
Silence.
‘David?’
Still no reply.
She glanced at the phone to check the connection. ‘Are you there?’ she asked. ‘Can you hear me? I can’t hear you.’
Though he said nothing she could hear noises in the background, and she was sure one of them was him breathing. ‘Have there been any calls?’ he asked suddenly.
She frowned with annoyance. ‘No, we’re supposed to be away,’ she reminded him snippily.
‘Ah, yes.’ There was another drawn-out silence before he said, ‘Lisa, I’m sorry. I’m very … I’m very sorry,’ and before she could say any more he left her with a dead line and no clear way at all of trying to get a grip on what had just happened.
At his end David was standing in the study next to Lawrence, unable to focus or even think through the clouds of confusion that were forming at the backs of his eyes. A part of him wanted to cry, but self-pity was something he despised, while helplessness was something he didn’t understand. Whatever he was feeling he couldn’t allow it to go on. He’d have to call Karen Knoyle tomorrow, before things got any worse. He must tell her the whole truth this time, because he knew he’d omitted parts before, though now he was no longer sure what they were. Other things had happened since, while he and Lisa were away, during meetings he’d had before the wedding, phone calls he hadn’t returned or didn’t remember receiving. He’d seen too much frustration and bewilderment in other people’s eyes, or heard it sharpening their tones, to be able to go on ignoring it. He had to face up to whatever was happening, for Lisa’s sake, if not for his own. He’d feel so unworthy and ashamed if he’d landed her with a husband who wasn’t as fit and healthy as she deserved. She was his wife now. They’d had a wedding. He remembered almost everything about it, including the fact that he’d been unable to deliver all of his lines. He’d loved her, or at least the memory of her, since she was in her teens. He mustn’t let her down. Not now. They had so much to live for, mostly each other, so he must find the courage to face the demons that were prowling around inside him and might, if he didn’t confront them soon, end up driving him out of his mind.
Dr Karen Knoyle’s plump, oval face was showing little expression as she listened to David talking her through the reasons why he was in her surgery for the second time in as many months. Though much of what he was saying was becoming elliptical and occasionally tangential as he went through it, she didn’t feel inclined to interrupt. She was interested to hear the way he expressed himself and, perhaps more importantly, to find out how far he would go with an explanation before backing away from its conclusion.
As he moved on to describing his bouts of anxiety and forgetfulness, which, he confessed, sometimes led to outbursts of frustration and anger, or self-enforced silence, what she was finding the most intriguing was the way he kept referring to the notes he’d apparently made for himself.
When he finally came to a stop she waited to see if there was anything more he’d like to add, and when there didn’t seem to be she said, ‘The last time you were here …’
‘This isn’t to do with Catrina,’ he interrupted.
Hiding her surprise, she regarded him steadily, then backing up a little, she said, ‘What exactly do you remember of the last time you were here?’
He took a while to reply. ‘I guess we were quite regular visitors,’ he said, ‘so it’s hard to be specific.’
Her eyes stayed on his as she tried to gauge whether he really had forgotten the last occasion he’d come here and the tests they’d run afterwards, and decided that for the moment anyway, he apparently had. ‘Tell me, how do you feel physically?’ she asked. ‘Any headaches, nausea, dizziness?’
He shook his head.
‘And in yourself? Would you say you’re in good spirits? Or could you be feeling a little down?’
The irony she knew well made a fleeting appearance. ‘I’ve just got married,’ he reminded her.
She smiled too, finding herself relieved to know that he remembered that. ‘That still doesn’t answer my question,’ she reminded him.
The light in his eyes dimmed as he seemed to sink from good humour into a place of discomfort. ‘Well, I suppose I have been feeling a bit down lately,’ he admitted, ‘but if you’re asking if I’m happy with Lisa, then the answer …’ He trailed off, as though not sure what to say next. ‘Since you asked,’ he said finally, ‘I’m finding it
a little difficult to be up in my spirits when I know … Well, when I know I’m not … When I think there’s …’ His eyes came directly to hers. ‘How would you feel if you thought there was something wrong with you?’ he asked.
She held his gaze while waiting for him to say more. When he didn’t, she hedged for a moment, saying, ‘Have you discussed any of this with Lisa?’
There was only the briefest hesitation before he replied, ‘No. I want to try and get things sorted out without worrying her.’
She nodded, understanding his reasoning. ‘Usually,’ she said, sitting back in her chair, ‘when someone visits a doctor they have their own theories on what’s wrong with them, so I’m interested to know what yours might be.’
He started to answer, but whatever he’d been about to say ended up staying with him.
‘I’m going to venture a guess,’ she said, ‘that you’re scaring yourself witless with all the biggies like brain tumours and CJD, maybe mini strokes, schizophrenia …’
His eyes stayed on hers.
‘… but what if I told you we could be looking at something like a kidney infection, or a thyroid-gland deficiency …’
He was already shaking his head. ‘I think we both know what it is,’ he said quietly.
Certain now of what was really in his mind, which unfortunately was what was in hers too, she said, ‘Actually, we don’t know anything yet, but here’s what we’re going to do …’
Chapter Sixteen
HOW COULD A month go by so quickly, yet still manage to feel like an eternity, Lisa was asking herself as she and David drove over to Amy’s. Instead of a prolonged honeymoon period spent settling into their new home and enjoying a relaxing summer, it had turned into the strangest and most stressful time she could ever remember. It was as though David was actively trying to avoid her, as he spent more and more time out of the house, either on constituency business, or supporting Rosalind with the company and through the break-up of her marriage. Jerry wasn’t coming back, it seemed, though according to what little she could get out of David, it didn’t appear that anyone was entirely sure yet whether Jerry was with his girlfriend in South Africa, or even where he was living. David said he called now and again, but he never went into any detail about what had been said, or how Rosalind was feeling.
