by Susan Lewis
‘You should be ashamed of yourself, stealing another woman’s husband,’ was one of the things she’d shouted down the phone to Olivia at one o’clock in the morning. Or, ‘He has another child, you know. A son, and if he can leave him just like that, what makes you think he’s going to stay around for your child after the novelty’s worn off?’
Far worse than that though, in fact so bad that it made her cringe with shame even to think of it now, was the night she’d said, ‘I’d watch out for your daughter if I were you, or something bad might happen to her.’
That was when Jerry had contacted her father, and in all honesty Rosalind didn’t blame him. She must have frightened the life out of them. It had even left her feeling unnerved when she’d woken the next morning – with an unspeakable hangover – and remembered what she’d done. She’d toyed with the idea of calling again to apologise, but then Jerry had rung to let her know that he’d asked her father to intervene, which had sent her flying off the handle, and the call had ended with him threatening to inform the police if she ever did anything like it again.
The police! Her own husband was threatening to set the law on her and in spite of how furious she’d been at the time, she had to admit she bloody well deserved it. She’d made herself stop drinking after that, because the last thing she wanted was the ignominy of some kind of restraining order being slapped on her. Or for Jerry’s mistress to think she was some dangerous madwoman who’d stalk her daughter and kidnap her, or feed her poisoned sweets, or strike her down in some other grim and newsworthy way. Now she was going to bed at nine o’clock most nights, and watching the TV in her room. More often than not she cried herself to sleep, which was absurd, she kept telling herself, when she wouldn’t take him back now even if he wanted to come.
‘Hi,’ she said forcing a cheeriness as Dee came in the door. ‘This is a nice surprise. What happened to the antiques fair?’
Dee was scuffing her feet dry on the mat even though it wasn’t raining outside. ‘Oh, that,’ she said airily. ‘She got someone else to help. Is there enough for me? Sorry, I probably should have rung to let you know I was coming.’
‘Of course there’s enough for you. I’ve found a new recipe for boeuf bourguignon which is usually one of Lawrence’s favourites. Let’s hope it still is after today. Help yourself to a drink. There’s plenty in the fridge. Hi Dad, are you OK?’ she said, hugging him warmly, maybe too warmly, but was there anyone else she loved more? Apart from Lawrence. ‘We’ve already heard back from the planners about the Long Ashton project,’ she told him. ‘It’s not bad news, but not great either. You can take a look after lunch if you like.’ Was he starting to get fed up with the company now he had a new wife? He wasn’t paying it as much attention as he once had. If anything, it seemed to get on his nerves.
‘Are you all right?’ she asked again as he closed the door. ‘Headache all gone?’
‘Headache?’ he echoed.
‘When we spoke yesterday …’
‘Ah, yes. No, it’s fine. All gone.’
Rosalind turned to her aunt. Something wasn’t right, she could sense it. They didn’t seem themselves, and though she had no idea what was happening, her instincts were already telling her that it wasn’t good. ‘What is it?’ she said tremulously. ‘Why are you both looking so … serious?’
‘Your father has some news,’ Dee told her, folding her coat over the back of a chair. ‘I think we should probably sit down.’
Becoming more alarmed by the second, Rosalind said, ‘Shall we have some wine? Am I going to need it?’
David went to the fridge, and after filling three glasses he brought them to the table where Rosalind and Dee were already seated. ‘Where’s Lawrence?’ he asked.
‘In the TV room with Lucy. He’s got a new DVD he wants to show you.’
David nodded, and when his eyes went down Rosalind suddenly felt like running out of the room as though to escape whatever was coming. ‘Is it Jerry?’ she said, all kinds of horrible images starting to flash through her head. ‘Has something happened to him?’
‘No, it’s not Jerry,’ Dee answered.
Rosalind turned to her father. ‘Dad?’ she cried. ‘For heaven’s sake, what’s going on?’
Closing the notebook he’d been looking at, David said, ‘You might … Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve … Well that I haven’t been quite on top of things lately.’
Her heart was starting to pound. ‘Not really,’ she lied.
His eyes came up to hers. ‘I think you have,’ he said softly, ‘and it turns out that the reason for this is that I am suffering … Well, I have been diagnosed with a form of early onset dementia.’
Rosalind’s heart shuddered to a stop. She looked at Dee, then back to her father. ‘That’s not true,’ she protested. ‘Of course you’re not suffering with dementia. You’re too young for one thing, and …’
‘It’s early onset,’ Dee said gently.
Seeing the pain in her father’s eyes, Rosalind shot to her feet. ‘I’m not listening to this nonsense,’ she told him. ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, so I don’t know why you’re saying there is. It’s cruel, Dad. I love you, and the last thing I’d want …’
‘Darling, I’d never tell you this if it weren’t true.’
‘I don’t think you know what dementia is,’ she cried. ‘I mean, look at the way you’re sitting there now, speaking to me quite normally. People with dementia can’t do that. You’re not someone who’s losing his mind.’
Keeping his voice calm, he said, ‘I’m afraid I am, and whether we like it or not, sweetheart, somehow we’re going to have to come to terms with it.’
Not knowing what else to do, Rosalind glared at Dee.
‘It’s terrible news,’ Dee said quietly. ‘I feel quite devastated.’
‘Is no one listening to me?’ Rosalind demanded furiously. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you, Dad. If there were I would know, and I’m telling you there isn’t.’
‘Darling, please come and sit down …’
‘No! If you’re going to carry on …’ She stopped suddenly, as understanding dawned. ‘Oh my God, I know what’s going on here,’ she declared shakily. ‘I know exactly what’s happening. Lisa Martin is behind this, isn’t she?’
‘Oh, Rosalind,’ Dee murmured.
‘It’s you who’s talking nonsense now,’ David told her.
‘Why are you believing what she’s telling you?’ Rosalind demanded angrily. ‘God, I knew she was evil, but to do something like this …’
‘Lisa isn’t evil,’ David interrupted, ‘and nor are you incapable of accepting the truth. I know you don’t want to, but … It’s …’ He looked at Dee as she said, ‘He’s had all the tests, darling, and the doctors wouldn’t lie.’
Rosalind stared at her aunt helplessly. In her heart she knew, she knew, but she couldn’t let it be true.
‘Come here,’ David said, holding out his arms.
Rosalind shook her head. Her eyes were flooding with tears and as a sob erupted from her turmoil, David got to his feet and went to hold her.
‘It’ll be all right,’ he soothed, his own voice thick with emotion. ‘We’ll work things out, and nothing’s going to change very much for a while. I’m on medication now that should help to slow things down.’
Looking up at him, she put her hands each side of his face and gazed fiercely into his eyes. ‘I’m not going to let this happen to you,’ she told him earnestly. ‘I don’t care what they’re saying, they’ve got it wrong.’
‘Darling …’
‘Stop!’ she spluttered.
‘Poor love,’ Dee whispered, as Rosalind clung to her father again. ‘She’s been through so much lately.’
Bringing her back to the table, David sat her down next to him and took her hands in his. ‘There are still several practical things to sort out,’ he said, ‘but I want you to know …’
Rosalind shot to her feet again. ‘Shall we have some l
unch now?’ she said briskly. ‘I expect Lawrence is hungry, and he’ll be cross that I haven’t told him you’re here.’
David glanced at Dee, who shook her head sadly.
‘I’ll go and get him,’ David sighed. ‘We can talk about this another time.’
Lisa was in the hall, waiting for David to come home. He was much later than she’d expected. Usually when he went to Rosalind’s on a Saturday he was back by four at the latest. It was now almost five, and she’d received no call yet to let her know he was on his way. Was he lost, or was he still at Rosalind’s, helping her come to terms with this new turn in their lives?
Pacing, pacing. She must make herself stop.
Finally seeing the gates start to open and his car coming through, she heaved an enormous sigh of relief and rushed off to her study, not wanting him to know that she’d been fretting about his return. On the other hand, he’d had a difficult task ahead when he’d left earlier, and he was late coming back, so he’d probably expect her to be at least a little bit concerned. So abandoning her desk again, she went back to the hall just as he was coming to a stop outside the front door.
‘Hi, how did it go?’ she asked, as he got out of the car.
He shook his head, and seeing how ashen he was, told her that it hadn’t gone any better than he’d feared.
‘I should put the car away,’ he said, starting to turn back.
‘It’s OK, I’ll do it. Go in and sit down. You look exhausted.’
Not even attempting to argue, he kissed her briefly as he passed, and after taking off his coat he went to slump down on a sofa.
‘I expect it was very difficult for her,’ she said, when she came back.
He frowned as though his head was aching. ‘Right now she’s not accepting it at all,’ he replied. ‘I wanted to talk to her about the … what’s it called? The legal thing?’
‘The Lasting Power of Attorney.’
‘That’s right, and about my will, but she doesn’t want to listen.’
‘It’s too soon,’ Lisa told him, repeating what she’d said before he left.
‘But we don’t know how long it’s going to be before these things start to matter.’
‘No, but it won’t be this week, or even this month, so there’s no need to rush. Just give her some time, she’ll have to accept it sooner or later and when she does … Well, she’ll find her own way of coping.’
He sighed wearily and let his head drop forward. ‘I keep thinking about Lawrence,’ he said bleakly. ‘We watched his new DVD this afternoon, twice, and I couldn’t help wondering if our brains might end up communicating on some other kind of level at some point. That’s a daft way to think, isn’t it? But his stands a chance of improving as he gets older, whereas mine …’ He looked up at her, then he held out a hand for her to come and sit with him. ‘Are we doing anything tonight?’ he asked.
‘It’s Amy and Theo’s leaving party,’ she reminded him, ‘but we don’t have to go.’
His eyebrows rose in amazement. ‘I think we do,’ he corrected, ‘and it’ll probably do us good to get out, instead of sitting around here tormenting ourselves with what a bugger of a hand we’ve been dealt. What time do we have to be there?’
‘Not until nine. I’ve booked a taxi so we can both have a drink.’
‘Good idea.’ He settled in more comfortably. ‘Did Miles call back?’ he asked.
She’d told him already this morning, but it was OK, she could say it again. ‘Yes, we’re seeing him in London on Thursday, after we’ve dropped Amy and Theo at the airport.’
‘Good. Where are they going?’
‘Australia.’
He made no comment about that, only yawned and pulled her in closer. This tenderness was a complete reversal to the way he’d been earlier, when he’d shouted at her to start packing up her things to move back to London. She wondered now if he even remembered it.
‘Roxy’s bringing all her stuff over tomorrow,’ she reminded him. ‘Amy and Theo are taking her to Oxford on Tuesday.’
‘Lovely,’ he murmured. ‘She’s going to have the time of her life.’ Then, ‘Do you remember how we met at Bristol Uni?’
‘Of course,’ she smiled. ‘Actually, it was at the Colston Hall, but I’d seen you around lots of times before that. I don’t think you’d noticed me until then, but you were so dashing and full of yourself and all the girls were dying to get off with you.’
‘But there was only one I wanted,’ he said, ‘and lucky me, I got her in the end.’
‘You did,’ she agreed, knowing it was true then, but seeming not to know anything now. How possible was it to love a man whose brain was ceasing to function? What kind of person was she even to be asking herself the question?
‘Am I in dreamland,’ he muttered a while later, ‘to be hoping that you and Rosalind might find a way to get along? You’re going to need one another when things start to go downhill.’
‘You know that’s not my decision,’ she answered.
‘No, I suppose it isn’t,’ he sighed. Then, ‘She hasn’t taken it well. She really hasn’t.’
Since the only good thing about that was that he’d remembered it, all she said was, ‘I don’t think it’s going to be very easy for Miles, either.’
‘Mm, maybe not. When did you say we’re seeing him?’
‘Thursday. It’s in the diary.’
Stifling another yawn, he closed his eyes and resettled his head on hers. ‘There’s something else I want to discuss with you,’ he said, ‘but I’m damned if I can remember what it is.’
Several more minutes ticked by, then going to fetch his notebook he came back into the room and showed her an entry he’d made the day before. ‘We need to talk about this,’ he said.
As she read what he’d written Lisa felt her mind reel. ‘No,’ she whispered, looking up at him. ‘You can’t be serious.’
The severity of his expression told her that he was, but as he sat down to start discussing it, she got to her feet and left the room. It was never wise, she was thinking as she stifled a sob, to assume things couldn’t get any worse, because as far as she was concerned they just had.
Chapter Nineteen
‘CAN YOU IMAGINE how terrible I feel just for being here?’ Lisa wept as she dabbed her eyes with a ragged tissue. ‘I know I shouldn’t have come, but I had to speak to someone and with Amy so close to leaving … You were the only person I could think of.’
‘Well, I suppose I should feel flattered,’ Tony responded drily, as he took the sodden tissue and replaced it with a fresh one. ‘And that wasn’t the kind of answer you were looking for.’ His expression was solemn as he continued to absorb all that she’d told him, while in the car park around them people came and went from the motorway services. ‘Poor guy,’ he murmured, ‘he must be totally devastated.’
‘It’s a nightmare,’ she said, her voice sounding nasal and quivery as she blew her nose again. She still wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing in turning to Tony, except he didn’t know David, so it was less like breaking a confidence than if she’d gone to her mother, or one of her friends. She didn’t want their pity or constant phone calls asking how David was, or if she was managing to cope, it would only make everything seem worse. Tony wasn’t like that. As wayward and unpredictable as he could be at times, he’d always been good in a crisis and ready with lashings of moral support where it was needed.
‘I keep reliving the day the doctor told us,’ she said hoarsely, ‘the way I wanted to scream and make her take it all back; then I wanted to run …’ As her words were swallowed by a gulf of shame her head fell forward. ‘I keep telling myself I can handle it,’ she said, ‘that being with him is all that matters, but what happens when it isn’t him any more? He’s already changed, and apparently every time he has one of the mini-strokes, which we might not even know he’s had, it’s going to get worse. Then he’ll improve for a while until it happens again … How am I going to handle that? How is he? He keeps tr
ying to hide how afraid he is, but I can see it all the time, and when he started to talk last night about going to Switzerland “to put a dignified end to it all” …’ She covered her face with her hands. ‘I didn’t know what to say, because obviously I understand why he’d want to do that, but how can I allow myself to go along with it?’
Tony was still looking shell-shocked himself, but nevertheless he tried to be objective as he said, ‘Well, I can see it would be hard, but maybe you should be thinking about how you’d feel if you were in his shoes.’
‘I’m sure I’d want to do the same,’ she admitted, ‘but lately … Well, I have to be honest, I’ve started to question how I feel about him anyway, and if … Oh God, that sounds so awful, doesn’t it? What kind of person am I that I could even think about leaving him when he’s facing what he is?’
Tony frowned. ‘Are you thinking about it?’ he asked doubtfully.
She shook her head. ‘No, I don’t suppose so. I mean, no, I’m not. I want to be there for him, to do everything I can to help him, but when I read about what it entails … It takes a very special sort of person to be a carer, Tony, and I just know I don’t have it in me. I wish I did. I swear to God, if I could bestow those qualities upon myself right now I would, but the very thought of having to deal with incontinence and …’
‘Stop, stop,’ he said gently. ‘You’re going so fast that you’ve just gone straight to jail without passing go and …’
‘That’s just it! I’m already starting to feel trapped, so how much worse is it going to get? Will I be able to stand it?’ More tears were dropping on to her cheeks now, and as he passed her another tissue she said, ‘I promise I’ll stop in a minute. I just … I suppose I’ve kept it all bottled up, feeling so ashamed of what’s going on in my head, and trying not to think about it when actually I’m never thinking about anything else.’
